Embarrassed by the way I treated my ex, but is it too late to apologize?

September 23, 2015

So I think I finally (kind of) figured out what the real reason behind the breakup with my ex was. I won't go into too many details in order to keep this concise, but most of the breakup is indeed my fault and I'm feeling awful about it.

UPDATE:If you're reading this on mobile feel free to skim because it looks so long, it's a bit better on the computer haha :/

As a little background my ex and I were together 5 months long distance (only 3 hours but we couldn't see eachother too often) and we're both 17. I have never loved someone the way I love him, and it's sad that I can still say that 4 months after he broke up with me. Long story short I struggle with anxiety and depression, and last year was hands down the worst school year I've ever dealt with, and I met my ex right while I was at my worst. I always had a low mood and was feeling sick because of my anxiety. I ended up in the hospital for 2 days because of how bad it was. Because of that, I was getting out of school at 12 every day because I got my schedule modified due to my inability to actually function and get to class. Which led to me forgetting how hard it is to be in school all day, then go to a sport/extracurriculars, have homework, etc. I would come home at 12 and sit in bed for 5 hours and that was that. In the meantime, my ex was obviously in school full-time, then playing a sport after school, then had homework and sometimes other things to go to, and I didn't recognize how stressed he must've been at the time.

I would get angry at him for taking too long to respond to texts or not being able to FaceTime sometimes. I remember a few specific times where he'd stay on FaceTime for an hour just to try to make me feel better and make me not mad at him. Looking back, I truly think he did his best and I'm so ashamed that I treated him the way I did. Each day he'd text me as much as he could and he'd try to give me at least 1 hour (and a lot of the time, more than 1 hour) of his time to FaceTime every day. Now that I'm in school full time, playing a sport, and taking 2 AP classes (plus a few other honors classes) I can't even imagine how he pulled that off and how bad I must've made him feel when I got mad at him. I didn't realize any of this until I started school normally again a few weeks ago. My anxiety is a lot better because I did a 9 week treatment program and the only depression I'm feeling is now because of the breakup. I know for a fact that I pushed him away and I didn't even realize that I was doing it. He'd always tell me I was his soulmate, that he wanted to marry me someday, etc, so I pushed him so far that he eventually broke up with me. We had a great relationship, he was always trying to make things work and he always tried to make me happy. I'm able to look back now and confidently say that in no way was our relationship toxic to me, but it most likely was to him for the last few weeks because of how I was probably making him feel. I remember him telling me a week before we broke up that he loved me so much and never wanted to lose me but that he just wanted me to be happy and he felt like he wasn't doing it.

He told me that the main reason for the breakup the distance, and the other reasons being that he was super busy and thought it was unfair to me that I wasn't getting treated the way I deserved (I was, but I took it for granted..), and that whenever he did have time to talk I was mad at him and it made him feel really guilty and upset. At the time, I didn't understand. 4 months later, and now it's clear as day. He deliberately reached out to me after the breakup and asked if we could stay friends because he would be glad to and I didn't handle it right, I acted weird after the breakup. I wasn't rude or anything, but I was being way over dramatic because I was so mentally unhealthy at the time that losing him was more than I could handle. We didn't fight during the break up or anything, but I could've handled it better. I'm really embarrassed that I made him feel that way and that I was oblivious to it. I was too attached to him because of how rough of a time I was going through.

So now comes the dilemma. I want to apologize more than anything. Believe it or not these past 4 months have been a huge change for me, I'm so much more active and so much less anxious because I worked really hard to be that way. Not having him in my life still takes a toll on me every single day and I still love and miss him more than words can describe. He's still the person I want to go to to tell about my day because he always cared and always listened. I've tried letting go, but he means too much to me to do so. We haven't had any contact in about 2 months. We had talked as friends normally once or twice (he even reached out to me first) and then I reached out to him a week later and never got a reply (maybe he was busy, maybe he purposely ignored me for whatever reason, who knows). But what I can't figure out is, would it be weird to contact him 4 months later to apologize? I don't want to seem like that weird ex who never lets go, but it honestly (and embarrassingly) took me this long to figure out what I did wrong. I apologized immediately after the breakup but I didn't even know what I was apologizing for. I really hope to keep him in my life somehow but it's up to him. I do hope that maybe someday we can get back together, or maybe just be friends way down the road. I don't know how he feels, I don't know where he stands. But I know that at some point he really did care about and love me. I may have hurt him and it's driving me crazy to know that. I want to call him but if I do it I'm going to stick with text. But what should I say? I would want to keep it kind of light. What do I do? Help

Edited September 23, 2015 by rach0019

September 23, 2015

So I think I finally (kind of) figured out what the real reason behind the breakup with my ex was. I won't go into too many details in order to keep this concise, but most of the breakup is indeed my fault and I'm feeling awful about it.

UPDATE:If you're reading this on mobile feel free to skim because it looks so long, it's a bit better on the computer haha :/

As a little background my ex and I were together 5 months long distance (only 3 hours but we couldn't see eachother too often) and we're both 17. I have never loved someone the way I love him, and it's sad that I can still say that 4 months after he broke up with me. Long story short I struggle with anxiety and depression, and last year was hands down the worst school year I've ever dealt with, and I met my ex right while I was at my worst. I always had a low mood and was feeling sick because of my anxiety. I ended up in the hospital for 2 days because of how bad it was. Because of that, I was getting out of school at 12 every day because I got my schedule modified due to my inability to actually function and get to class. Which led to me forgetting how hard it is to be in school all day, then go to a sport/extracurriculars, have homework, etc. I would come home at 12 and sit in bed for 5 hours and that was that. In the meantime, my ex was obviously in school full-time, then playing a sport after school, then had homework and sometimes other things to go to, and I didn't recognize how stressed he must've been at the time.

I would get angry at him for taking too long to respond to texts or not being able to FaceTime sometimes. I remember a few specific times where he'd stay on FaceTime for an hour just to try to make me feel better and make me not mad at him. Looking back, I truly think he did his best and I'm so ashamed that I treated him the way I did. Each day he'd text me as much as he could and he'd try to give me at least 1 hour (and a lot of the time, more than 1 hour) of his time to FaceTime every day. Now that I'm in school full time, playing a sport, and taking 2 AP classes (plus a few other honors classes) I can't even imagine how he pulled that off and how bad I must've made him feel when I got mad at him. I didn't realize any of this until I started school normally again a few weeks ago. My anxiety is a lot better because I did a 9 week treatment program and the only depression I'm feeling is now because of the breakup. I know for a fact that I pushed him away and I didn't even realize that I was doing it. He'd always tell me I was his soulmate, that he wanted to marry me someday, etc, so I pushed him so far that he eventually broke up with me. We had a great relationship, he was always trying to make things work and he always tried to make me happy. I'm able to look back now and confidently say that in no way was our relationship toxic to me, but it most likely was to him for the last few weeks because of how I was probably making him feel. I remember him telling me a week before we broke up that he loved me so much and never wanted to lose me but that he just wanted me to be happy and he felt like he wasn't doing it.

He told me that the main reason for the breakup the distance, and the other reasons being that he was super busy and thought it was unfair to me that I wasn't getting treated the way I deserved (I was, but I took it for granted..), and that whenever he did have time to talk I was mad at him and it made him feel really guilty and upset. At the time, I didn't understand. 4 months later, and now it's clear as day. He deliberately reached out to me after the breakup and asked if we could stay friends because he would be glad to and I didn't handle it right, I acted weird after the breakup. I wasn't rude or anything, but I was being way over dramatic because I was so mentally unhealthy at the time that losing him was more than I could handle. We didn't fight during the break up or anything, but I could've handled it better. I'm really embarrassed that I made him feel that way and that I was oblivious to it. I was too attached to him because of how rough of a time I was going through.

So now comes the dilemma. I want to apologize more than anything. Believe it or not these past 4 months have been a huge change for me, I'm so much more active and so much less anxious because I worked really hard to be that way. Not having him in my life still takes a toll on me every single day and I still love and miss him more than words can describe. He's still the person I want to go to to tell about my day because he always cared and always listened. I've tried letting go, but he means too much to me to do so. We haven't had any contact in about 2 months. We had talked as friends normally once or twice (he even reached out to me first) and then I reached out to him a week later and never got a reply (maybe he was busy, maybe he purposely ignored me for whatever reason, who knows). But what I can't figure out is, would it be weird to contact him 4 months later to apologize? I don't want to seem like that weird ex who never lets go, but it honestly (and embarrassingly) took me this long to figure out what I did wrong. I apologized immediately after the breakup but I didn't even know what I was apologizing for. I really hope to keep him in my life somehow but it's up to him. I do hope that maybe someday we can get back together, or maybe just be friends way down the road. I don't know how he feels, I don't know where he stands. But I know that at some point he really did care about and love me. I may have hurt him and it's driving me crazy to know that. I want to call him but if I do it I'm going to stick with text. But what should I say? I would want to keep it kind of light. What do I do? Help

Rach, I'm going to give you some good advice. At first, I was going to suggest that sure, what harm would a nice apology do? But then I read this:

I apologized immediately after the breakup

Whether or not you knew what you were apologizing for, he has heard your apology. That means this is mostly for you, not mostly for him.

I'm going to interpret things this way:

1) He genuinely felt bad about your complaints, and then when he looked at the situation, he decided that the problem might be the distance. If he could see you a little bit every day, he no doubt reasoned, you'd be happier and he wouldn't feel like he was neglecting you. So I think that's where he is with this whole thing.

2) Whatever your reasons, you were overly demanding. Ordinarily, I'd say that you could make a pretty good case that you have recognized the error of your ways, but in this case, it was a disease, a condition that made you feel that way. At your age, this is only going to get worse for a while, not better. At a minimum, you should be focusing your efforts on dealing with finding equilibrium, finding a way to overcome the depression. You are dealing with the two most powerful forces known to teenagers - hormones and mental difficulties. Your boyfriend needs to be local.

3) No doubt he's a sweet guy, and you're a great girl, but now's not the time. At some point, you're going to get over him, believe it or not. Save your attempt at contact until then, and I'll tell you why.

a) The guilt you feel expresses itself as desperation. Not good.

b) If you reach out after several years, and you rush to apologize then, it will seem a lot more sincere and it will be valued much higher than if it seems to come from your desperation. If you apologize now, he will not think much of it. If you apologize years from now, you can erase whatever his impressions are with that act of humility.

I know you want to change his mind about you now. It is far too soon. Let it go, let it wait. You have a long life ahead of you. Now's the time to get yourself ready to have a wonderful relationship, not the time to try to have it. Like everything else in this life that you don't know how to do, it takes practice, lots of it, before you become good at it. Date local boys. Try to be a good girlfriend, even if you don't fall in love. Have a few boyfriends. Practice your style. Practice sex. Practice everything that will come into play when you meet the one you really want to be with. Hope and pray that he has practiced for you. Practice, practice, practice, so that one day, when it really counts, you'll be ready and you won't make any rookie mistakes. It's hard enough without depression problems. Your task is even harder than most people's.

It might even be him one day. You don't want to get him when you're still a rookie. You want to be ready. Whenever it is that you take your next shot, that's it. No third chances. Don't squander your opportunity now.

Don't do it. Focus on what's truly important. I hope that makes sense.

September 24, 2015

Rach, I'm going to give you some good advice. At first, I was going to suggest that sure, what harm would a nice apology do? But then I read this:

Whether or not you knew what you were apologizing for, he has heard your apology. That means this is mostly for you, not mostly for him.

I'm going to interpret things this way:

1) He genuinely felt bad about your complaints, and then when he looked at the situation, he decided that the problem might be the distance. If he could see you a little bit every day, he no doubt reasoned, you'd be happier and he wouldn't feel like he was neglecting you. So I think that's where he is with this whole thing.

2) Whatever your reasons, you were overly demanding. Ordinarily, I'd say that you could make a pretty good case that you have recognized the error of your ways, but in this case, it was a disease, a condition that made you feel that way. At your age, this is only going to get worse for a while, not better. At a minimum, you should be focusing your efforts on dealing with finding equilibrium, finding a way to overcome the depression. You are dealing with the two most powerful forces known to teenagers - hormones and mental difficulties. Your boyfriend needs to be local.

3) No doubt he's a sweet guy, and you're a great girl, but now's not the time. At some point, you're going to get over him, believe it or not. Save your attempt at contact until then, and I'll tell you why.
a) The guilt you feel expresses itself as desperation. Not good.
b) If you reach out after several years, and you rush to apologize then, it will seem a lot more sincere and it will be valued much higher than if it seems to come from your desperation. If you apologize now, he will not think much of it. If you apologize years from now, you can erase whatever his impressions are with that act of humility.

I know you want to change his mind about you now. It is far too soon. Let it go, let it wait. You have a long life ahead of you. Now's the time to get yourself ready to have a wonderful relationship, not the time to try to have it. Like everything else in this life that you don't know how to do, it takes practice, lots of it, before you become good at it. Date local boys. Try to be a good girlfriend, even if you don't fall in love. Have a few boyfriends. Practice your style. Practice sex. Practice everything that will come into play when you meet the one you really want to be with. Hope and pray that he has practiced for you. Practice, practice, practice, so that one day, when it really counts, you'll be ready and you won't make any rookie mistakes. It's hard enough without depression problems. Your task is even harder than most people's.

It might even be him one day. You don't want to get him when you're still a rookie. You want to be ready. Whenever it is that you take your next shot, that's it. No third chances. Don't squander your opportunity now.

Don't do it. Focus on what's truly important. I hope that makes sense.

Thank you so, so much I can't even tell you how helpful it was to read that! I really appreciate that you seriously read through what I wrote and gave really good advice! I'll try my best to do what you said, and I'll wait longer to give him an apology. There's a good chance we'll be a lot closer geographically in just a few years, so I'll wait until then to do it if I still feel if there is a need to do so. I think you were right about what he thinks about the whole thing and the fact that I was (at the time, unknowingly) too demanding, and I guess that's something I need to work on. Thank you so much again, you made a lot of sense!

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