Jump to content

theres a part of me that believes she didnt cheat? you tell me

disbelief

By disbelief
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

disbelief Established Member

disbelief

Posted
Posted

Ill make this quick and get to the facts.

im trying to decide on how to move forward with her. im in 180 now and now shes asking me how im doing etc because she can sense me pulling away. we were together for 3.5 yrs and have a 2.5 yr old son.

 

so heres what i know, keep in mind she SWEARS the OM is just a friend and that she is really not interested in him romantically.

 

her actions:

 

she left are family and moved back to her mothers. 2 days later she went to dinner with the OM that is supposed to be just a "friend"

 

she also stayed the night at his house and admitted that she slept in his bed but that they are strictly friends.

 

it seems weird that she would admit that she slept in his bed unless she really is telling the truth about them being friends?

 

or is it common to circle the truth closely but leave out the worst parts?

 

shes messaging me and trying to keep things friendly and im caught between "well maybe she was just unhappy and wants to work on the family now, maybe she didn't cheat?"

 

and then the other side of my brain is saying " shes a lair and just wants to keep us friendly to lessen her guilt"

 

im so torn on if i should respond to her. i don't want to ignore her if she didn't cheat and we have a chance to rebuild our family but then again who sleeps in a member of the opposite sex bed and nothing happens? what, did she keep all her clothes on? seems pretty unlikely but she swears that shes not into him that way because " he drinks and partys too much" among other reasons.

 

what would you guys say? my gut is 50/50, i really dont know.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Even if she didn't have sex with him, she's way out of line. She moved out. That alone is telling me your relationship has problems.

 

Dinner maybe I could get past but there was no reason to sleep in his bed. Go home. If that isn't an option sleep on the couch.

  • Like 2
pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
Posted

She may have told you she stayed at her house and in his bed in case this ever comes up in the future (someone saw her car there; he sends an inappropriate text) while leaving out the part about sleeping with him. Although yes, it is possible that she slept on his bed in her clothes without anything happening. BTDT.

 

BUT you said she had moved out and was living at her mother's. What led to her moving out? Did you guys discuss focusing on reconciling so you should be exclusive? Is this the Friends "We were on a break!" argument?

 

In the 3.5 years you have known her, has she shown herself to be a trustworthy person?

 

I would not rely on this one situation to make the decision to try again or not. I would use everything else you know about her and the relationship.

dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

Posted
Posted

"theres a part of me that believes she didnt cheat"

And there's a part of you that says she did!You will never know, so best to move on from this because you, more than likely, will not be able to trust what she tells. Not that she would lie about everything, but because you now have doubt in your head. You don't trust her because her actions are not appropriate. What she did is not right if she is in a committed relationship with you.

 

"he drinks and partys too much"

 

A part of her likes this

  • Author
disbelief Established Member

disbelief

Posted
  • Author
Posted

she generally seemed trustworthy although she has some insecurity problems and i know she will respond emotionally to men that are nice to her. A part of her is dying for attention and i guess my attention become boring and routine for her.

 

she also initially lied about how many men she slept with in the beginning of the relationship, she said it was 11 when it was closer to 20.

 

being that she was out to dinner with him 2 days later it must have been in works before she broke it off with me, emotional cheating at the least i would say.

 

its really hard for me to accept this be behavior because of everything we went through bringing a child into this world and having a family , it seemed she threw something as sacred as a family away for thrills? again im not 100% she slept with him.

 

are relationship wasn't the best but definitely worth working on , we have a baby boy together that is now suffering going back and forth and is becoming confused.

 

i showed her lots of affection but maybe lacked on connecting emotionally together. i really did want to work on this matter though and always expressed how i wanted to work on it. the effort didn't seem present on her part.

  • Author
disbelief Established Member

disbelief

Posted
  • Author
Posted

when she first broke it off she was really turned off from me and now that i am 180ing her shes asking me how im doing etc. i haven't answered and don't know if i should.

 

i think the only way shes coming back is if she regains respect for me. if she knows im still 100% available as her backup then she wont respect me.

 

i also want some answers out of her. maybe i should keep ignoring until she starts asking more important questions? maybe she never will if i ignore her? im kinda lost for what to do?

erklat Established Member

erklat

Posted
Posted

I'd say she's a liar if only a few weeks ago I wasn't

I'm my apartment with a female, alone, and we didn't

have sex.

 

When I said to her that she commited herself to opinion

of our colleagues that we had sex, she said she knew

that. But we didn't have sex.

 

So it's possible. But either way you have to rebuild the

Respect she has for you. Woman has to look up to you

and admire you.

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

Posted
Posted (edited)

Big red flags waving all over this.

 

She left you and ends up in another's mans house for the night in 2 days?????

 

I bet if you can get her phone messages, texts, email data there's a huge history there.

 

You have no future here. She's telling you by her actions she hasn't the least bit of respect for you. In one your earlier posts she puts on FB it's so nice being single????? C'mon, you don't want to see the truth.

 

Separation most of the time is to make it easier to see others. Now she's going to feed you some breadcrumbs to keep you on as #2 or plan B in case she needs backup. From your thoughts it's working good so far.

 

You need to man up and lawyer up then hit her with papers. STAY NC!!!!!

 

Cheaters lie, deceive and deny. Can you deal with this uncertainty in your life permanently???? That's where you're at.

 

Move on! You're young and can make your life what you want it to be.

Edited by Marc878
  • Like 3
mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted

I think you're looking at this all wrong. The question is not whether she actually let this man use his dipstick. The question is whether or not she took separation from you to the next level. She slept with some guy in his bed, not because it was the only option she had, but because is was an option she preferred over sleeping with you.

 

She could just as easily not slept with him by being alone, or by lying with you. But that's not what she did. She staked out a position.

 

Whether it is true or not, what are you supposed to think? It is disrespectful, and it is a signal that you are totally not wanted.

 

If you're going to do this back and forth dance with her, THAT is the conversation you need to have. Take her at her word, that she didn't **** the guy. Is that really supposed to make this all OK, or better now? I don't think so. THAT is the either the thing you should pay attention to, or the conversation that you need to have.

 

The best thing you can say about this is that she loves relationship drama.

  • Like 2
Maggie4 Established Member

Maggie4

Posted
Posted

It's not clear exactly what she told you. When you said she slept in his bed, I assumed he slept on the couch, because he is a friend.

 

Anyway, it seems to me you want to focus on her cheating (or not) to help you decide what to do. I think you are losing sight of why you broke up. And I don't think she left you for this guy.

 

I think the best thing for you to do now, is get a good job situation, if you haven't already done so. Then you ask her to marry you. It's really very basic. A woman is going to want a guy with stable job and will marry her especially when there is a child. Make that happen.

 

And yes, keep talking to her. You are a father, you can't just do 180 like other guys. Some of the dating attraction stuff don't apply to you. This is beyond attraction and feelings. It's paycheck, mortgage, marriage certificate, and your son. Seems like you do want that. So start moving in that direction and see if she follows you.

  • Author
disbelief Established Member

disbelief

Posted
  • Author
Posted

how can i even think about that stuff if shes cheating? all the signs are there.

 

shes got sexy new underwear, new clothes, new hair and i noticed breath fresh gum in her car which she NEVER chews.

 

that coupled with hanging around the other guy? common.... i dunno, there is a chance i could be wrong. so confusing.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

You are not wrong: you just want to be.

 

She's not coming back. Stop acting like that is even a remote possibility. Embrace your new reality: Your relationship with her is over.

 

Now go talk to a lawyer & figure out what is best for your son. You need to know how custody & CS will work going forward. He is your only concern at this point.

  • Like 2
Christos Established Member

Christos

Posted
Posted

Man, i know it is hard to accept, but the mother of your son is having sex, probably every night, with another man. Ok? She does all the nasty things she used to do on you, on HIM, and tells him she is all his.

 

Do you still want to cry about her?

 

Let me tell you, she isn't worth it, and she IS GOING TO PAY eventually for what she did. Karma is no small business... But you have to be strong and look after yourself now. Stop being weak. Women are plentiful. Many are prettier than your ex and free. May even treat you better. You should try them...

Clarence_Boddicker Established Member

Clarence_Boddicker

Posted
Posted

Unless you were abusing her, your relationship ended the minute she moved out. She didn't have the integrity to dump you then.

 

 

I've slept in a few women's beds without doing anything sexual with them as cuddle buddies. I'd never do that with a girl who's in a relationship. I make sure to do my best to be 100% sure they're single. Even if nothing happens, you have to consider the other person's feelings. I'd be very uncomfortable if my SO was to share a bed with a guy.

 

 

There's no way for you to know if she did anything sexual with him. That doesn't matter, because you were not in a relationship with her. Forget her as a partner & concentrate on being a good father.

Tobin Established Member

Tobin

Posted
Posted
it seems weird that she would admit that she slept in his bed unless she really is telling the truth about them being friends?

 

or is it common to circle the truth closely but leave out the worst parts?

 

Not really weird, if she did more with him, and it appears that she did, what you are getting is known as "trickle truth". Google it, or search this forum on the term.

 

 

who sleeps in a member of the opposite sex bed and nothing happens?

 

Very few people do that. The odds are overwhelmingly high that something happened. I wouldn't be ok even if all she did was sleep in the same bed as some other guy.

 

she swears that shes not into him that way because " he drinks and partys too much" among other reasons.

 

Those reasons are not at all convincing.

 

what would you guys say? my gut is 50/50, i really dont know.

 

I wouldnt accept her doing so much as sleeping in the same bed as the guy. If I was in your shoes I'd kick her to the curb.

 

Too many better choices out there.

  • Author
disbelief Established Member

disbelief

Posted
  • Author
Posted

so after i basically showed her with my actions that i dont want her in my life and im moving on this happens.....

 

ME:

 

You want an explanation. You betrayed me. Family is very sacred to me and is something that is treasured. I am here 100% 24/7 365 days a year for our son. I will co parent with you but that's as far as it goes between you and I

 

2 days later on date. Obviously that was in the works before you left which is at the least emotional cheating. and then you slept in his bed. I'm sure it was just a pajama party with the new sexy underwear, dentyne ice gum and hot clothes.

 

Your story has been so mixed from the start. You feel so broken inside and can't be with anyone but yet we need to see different people and I should "**** another chick" as you put it.

 

"All guys are *******s" but yet he's someone you can talk to.

 

 

HER:

So plain and simple? We should never see each other in each other's futures?

 

ME:

Did you have sex with him?

 

 

HER:No

 

ME:

So what are you wanting?

 

 

HER:

For my heart to not hurt anymore for it to feel right

 

 

ME:

I hear you and I feel the same but I'm asking what are you wanting to do with this situation.

 

Don't tell me i can't understand, how much have we acctually tried to be understanding?

 

Do you want this family?

 

 

HER:

I feel like I want to try it again with a little space?

 

 

ME:

I want to know what you want. Explain it.

 

HER:

 

To try and make us a family but with some space until we have a good understanding if we can truly love each other

 

 

she says space? how can you have a family with space? is this just more BS to keep me on the hook?

 

how should i respond to this?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Space makes things worse.

 

Tell her to get her butt home & you two will get relationship counseling & work together on your issues.

 

If she's not willing to work together to save this, then you need to get out.

 

Space is BS. It's code for I want to see if I can get this other guy so I don't need you. I want to be with him but not have it be cheating. I also want you dangling on a hook so I have a fall back position if he dumps me.

  • Like 6
Clarence_Boddicker Established Member

Clarence_Boddicker

Posted
Posted

Space: 99 times out of 100, the word space means dating & usually having sex with other guys.

 

 

Heart: More often then not, the word heart means ego.

 

 

Notice that her primary concern is for her, not her son.

bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

Posted
Posted

Since you did the 180 on her she's trying her best to be nice and wants to communicate with you. There's a reason for that.

 

You my friend are "Plan B". She wants to keep a good line of communication with you and no arguments just in case this other guy doesn't work out and she can have someone to come back to rather then being alone.

 

It comes down to this. What's your gut telling you? From what you posted, it's telling you that she's lying through her teeth and she cheated so you know her better then we do and if your gut feeling is telling you she's lying then go with it. She's not too sure what will happen with the OM so she wants to have a exit plan in case it goes belly up which makes you plan B.

 

The only thing you need to do is be the best dad you can be for your kid. That is more important then anything else so just make sure your there fro your kid and let your wife/GF find her own way. She wanted it, she got it so it's her problem.

 

One last thing. Do yourself a favor and cut that life line she has going back to you. Time for her to sink or swim

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted

Space, the final frontier. She wants to explore.

 

Here's how space works...Space is separation. You're not around when she's at home with Jr. You come by every so often and pick Jr. up, and while you're off with him, she can do what she likes. Maybe you'll get together birthdays or Christmas and Easter and times like that. Maybe you'll all have dinner together every once in a while because you're good pals, and it's nice to be together every now and again. And whatever it is that you're thinking about what she does with her time, you'll shut your mouth because it isn't really any of your business unless it affects the kid poorly. That's space.

 

Can you love someone under those circumstances? Sure. But, can you be together with someone like that, as a family? Not the way you're thinking... more of a distant family, like brother and sister who have moved out and now see each other every once in a while.

 

Here are the words that tell you everything, if only you'd listen:

 

To try and make us a family but with some space until we have a good understanding if we can truly love each other
She already has a good understanding. She just wants you to catch up. That's why she's being so evasive.
frigginlost Established Member

frigginlost

Posted
Posted

I agree with everyone else. She is playing with you.

 

There is no such thing as a family with "space..."

 

You're going to have to man up here, and call her out. Like a previous poster said, tell her to get her butt back over there, get into counseling, and work it out.

 

If she balks, swallow hard and walk.

Maggie4 Established Member

Maggie4

Posted
Posted

Who has the son? You're not married. Can she take him?

Tobin Established Member

Tobin

Posted
Posted
ME:

Did you have sex with him?

 

 

HER:No

 

Cheaters rarely admit to cheating. Asking her is weak and pointless.

 

ME:

So what are you wanting?

 

Asking her questions is weak and pointless. Take charge. Don't ask her what she wants, tell her how it's going to be.

 

 

 

I'm asking what are you wanting to do with this situation.

 

See my post above about giving her all the choices and decision making.

 

HER:

I feel like I want to try it again with a little space?

 

She wants time to explore other options- or more likely, continue to explore other options.

 

 

I want to know what you want.

 

Can you see how all these questions make you weak and less attractive in her eyes?

 

how should i respond to this?

 

By telling her you're moving on and actually moving on and showing it by your actions and not saying you're moving on and then asking her what she wants and her telling you she wants space which gives her all the power and control when she can be trusted with neither.

  • Author
disbelief Established Member

disbelief

Posted
  • Author
Posted

For all that are interested in an update.....

 

She admitted to having sex with him. I'm crushed.

 

She wants to work on the family and go to counselling. She also agreed to cut all contact with him.

 

The reason I beleive she cheated is because she felt that I didn't really love her. We didn't go on dates anymore and I guess I wasn't "wooing" her anymore which I can say is true but I did always give her affection, kisses and hugs etc. She just became colder and colder always complaining until she left and had sex with the other guy.

 

Can I be to blame? I stopped courting her and got complacent I guess. Maybe I was acting needy aswell.

 

Should we try to improve things and try again?

 

We do have a child together.

 

I kind of feel I won't be able to look at her the same but maybe I should just buckle down and go on and try again. Atleast I will prevent other men from being in my son's life longer which will solidify my bond with him.

Dutchman1 Established Member

Dutchman1

Posted
Posted

Hey disbelief,

 

Please do as you said, Co parent, nothing more.

 

You are not married, your Gf lies and cheated.

She wants space to spread eagle for now , probably with different men.

I know it hurts, and bad. How could she ? She was never the kind of woman.

 

Take your losses, you will find a girl who loves only you, and only wants you.

Who doesn't want to be shared, and doesn't want to share you.

 

If you take her back she knows that she can get away with it.

Be prepared to look over your shoulder, and to be in investigate mode for the rest of your life.

 

This is one for the brain, not for the heart.

 

I'm really sorry, read, listen and learn.

 

Look out for nr 1. Be strong. The force is with you.

 

Dutchman 1

  • Like 1
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...