katielee Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having peace in my life. But my life without drama feels... different. I don't want it back. I just still can't be deliriously happy. Yet. So many good things - hubby's business was one of 15 business's of the year. So were both OW's. I wanted to go to the award ceremony - it would be a great free meal. He was nervous. I didn't think they'd come. He ended up eating half my meal (because he wanted prime rib AND lasagna) and I came home hungry - we laughed about this! But we had a great time and they were no where to be seen and I heard the other day that OW2 got reassigned to work in a city 2 hours from here - although she'll likely still shop here. I haven't told him this... I'm kind of waiting to see if he hears and tells me.. But, we have been enjoying our lake home, getting it in shape, spending time with each other... It just seems strange that we have nothing to fight over. Dull. I wish I was happier. I don't seem to have pain associated with affair. I really love him and he is perfectly imperfect, just like me. We are winding down from our ICs. I suspect we still disagree on many things. If we don't talk about them, there is no arguing. I do feel a need for more intimacy, although we can talk about anything under the sun except the obvious, of which what else is there to say? There is nothing that gives me strong emotion anymore. Is that weird? Is it a tad scary for me. Anger was a strong emotion for a long time. It's just not there anymore. Being in an affair and that addiction was a strong emotion. No desire for that. But I just feeling something in me is missing. Does anyone else feel this way? And yes, I work out and have hobbies... Wondering if there always needs to be a crisis and what I can do to be comfortable with no drama. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Wondering if there always needs to be a crisis and what I can do to be comfortable with no drama. What parts of the drama and resultant interaction do you miss? I'm sure you've discussed with your IC that, his A's aside, your infidelity has made you feel you may not deserve happiness? Mr. Lucky 1
Author katielee Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 I actually have felt like that my entire life. That I better not rest in happiness, because it could be ripped out from under me at any time...
Mr. Lucky Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy. An unwillingness to enjoy happiness doesn't leave a lot of good alternatives. I'd guess some of the drama is manufactured in the absence of real problems when you're at a good stage as you've described... Mr. Lucky 1
Author katielee Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 I think this may be a good subject for IC... 3
USEDOW Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 I've often thought that when you are fighting so much to beat off the opposition like MMs BS used her entire family in my case. Do you really win the prize? Not being mean but do you actually realise that perhaps you were concentrating on the affairs so much... OW apparently being the only obstacle in your life you didn't realise your marriage was not really worth the effort. OW wasn't the only obstacle.
Zenstudent Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Katie, I remember reading your posts when I joined a few years ago. I can see how much you have grown and changed, even the way you express yourself is very different from back then. Well done. I believe that you are very close to a perfect spot. When you say that something is missing, it's your ego talking, not your true self. Nothing is missing, it's all there, you just need to see it. When something is missing, it's because you think you should have, or deserve to have something that you don't have already. Change your thinking on this, and you'll be just fine, in a happy place. I wish you luck on your journey. 2
USEDOW Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Of course...silly. She fought for what? She doesn't know now reality is setting in. I guess if I'd ended up with MM I might feel the sane. All that torture )-: I'm crying for nothing maybe.
Popsicle Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Of course...silly. She fought for what? She doesn't know now reality is setting in. I guess if I'd ended up with MM I might feel the sane. All that torture )-: I'm crying for nothing maybe. Sorry, that question was meant for the OP.
Author katielee Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Were you happier before the affairs? Happier? Yes, smarter? No
afoolto no end Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Something does change after an affair is part of your marriage..something in you. I feel the same way at times, everything is good, my husband does everything right but I just don't feel the same.......I really don't get that joy I used to, it's like everything is tainted, because now we know that life isn't as secure and trusting as we knew it to be, now everything bad is a possibility....... It's always there, I am 6 years out and it still crosses my mind, living in the same city as OW does keep me on guard........ Just keep doing what is right and enjoying your husband and family for the moment don't worry about the tomorrows or the yesterday's........there is no guarantee anymore....... make as many new memories as you can.......it's just what it is now.... keep life simple, stress free and enjoy all the little things life offers you..... 1
turnera Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Yeah, what you're describing is FOO issues. And you literally have to tackle that head on in IC to figure out where it comes from, understand the TRUTHS about those situations. Usually, as a child, you distort what's really happening out of self protection, but you then go through adulthood with a 'need' based on those falsehoods, just like what you're describing.
xxoo Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having peace in my life. But my life without drama feels... different. I don't want it back. I just still can't be deliriously happy. Yet. What makes you think marriage should be deliriously happy? Content and secure with regular moments of great joy and no moments of great pain is the realistic holy grail of a long term relationship. Is the search for deliriously happy what drove you to have an affair in the first place? I actually have felt like that my entire life. That I better not rest in happiness, because it could be ripped out from under me at any time... We all fear loss. Don't waste the present moment worrying about the future. Loss is an inevitable part of life, and the greatest reason to enjoy the present moment to the fullest. Edited September 27, 2015 by xxoo 1
Author katielee Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 It took a Herculean effort for us to stay together, both working on ourselves, sometimes a promise of a "stronger marriage" because of it. We just got the old one back. And it's a decent, good marriage. I thought there would be some prize at the End of all this work and sacrifice. Ha!
turnera Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 In the meantime, as you do more therapy, you can improve your marriage. Have you read His Needs Her Needs? It's the best book out there for creating a loving, safe, fun environment with a person you look forward to coming home to. The two key components are 'learn who your partner is (likes/dislikes) so you become the one person who provides what makes him/her happy' and 'spend at least 15 hours a week together doing 'dating' stuff - non-chores/kids/work/tv/computer things that you do together. It could be as small as having a cup of coffee together every morning for 15 minutes and just talking to as big as a private vacation each year without the kids or family. And everything in between. Leave a jigsaw puzzle out and sit down now and then to work on it together. Go on walks together. Wash the dog together. Go grocery shopping together. Do things that you would have done together, while you still WANTED to spend every single second together. That's how you build that feeling back up, get the PEA chemicals flowing (the same chemicals that make cheaters crazy about their affair partners). Use that to improve your marriage so you WANT to spend all your time together. 2
xxoo Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 It took a Herculean effort for us to stay together, both working on ourselves, sometimes a promise of a "stronger marriage" because of it. We just got the old one back. And it's a decent, good marriage. I thought there would be some prize at the End of all this work and sacrifice. Ha! I hope you appreciate how incredibly lucky you are to have that decent, good marriage still. What needs are you marriage not meeting? Are they the same needs that led you to cheat in the first place? Are they needs that a marriage should realistically meet?
Author katielee Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 You are right! I need to celebrate that we survived this!!! When I see how other people "do marriage" we are very lucky. We walk together every night, like most of the same things yet have interests outside themarriage as well. We are respectful and giving to each other. Ive read that book... Maybe time get it out again. I need intimate talk. I can talk to him about anything difficult but "affair" makes him throw stuff, shut down. And really what what is there to talk about except - sometimes I want him to know that It. still. Hurts. He knows that. He's a BS too. 1
turnera Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 If he's shutting down, he - you - needs to address this quality. You can't have a full happy marriage without him dealing with the good AND the bad. His shutting down is a learned behavior from childhood, learned to protect himself or because it's all he ever saw. Therapy is probably warranted for that.
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 You are right! I need to celebrate that we survived this!!! When I see how other people "do marriage" we are very lucky. We walk together every night, like most of the same things yet have interests outside themarriage as well. We are respectful and giving to each other. Ive read that book... Maybe time get it out again. I need intimate talk. I can talk to him about anything difficult but "affair" makes him throw stuff, shut down. And really what what is there to talk about except - sometimes I want him to know that It. still. Hurts. He knows that. He's a BS too. I think couples who can come through infidelity have a greater need to keep the working-through-tough talks skill alive. There is such a deeper intimacy between two people who can have such deep conversations... .vulnerability is a wonderful equalizer. It makes sense...that once one has travelled this road...one would want to keep it alive. I guess the trick is how to continue having this vulnerability/openess with each other without it being solely affair related. Time to challenge yourselves again.
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I guess I don't understand.... After the turmoil...it was so wonderful to begin to feel whole and not fractured....the one thing we both wanted more than anything was to feel comfortable again. We moved....started to travel....began living for us instead of the kids. It sounds like you found your little slice of heaven...a lake house....where you can sit together...and snuggle and talk...and look out over the water and let the peace engulf your spirit. I am not talking complacency....you never ever want to take each other for granted again. I think it is exciting to place his needs before my own. To know that I am doing everything i can to make him happy....and he does the same for me. We have a hot tub...where every night we sit and have a glass of wine and discuss things....how the day went...our vacation plans...the kids...concerts we want to see...our retirement plans...and sometimes...even loveshack...lol. It isn't boring...it is a gift....because we overcame the odds that certainly were against us....and we love just being together. 1
turnera Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Yeah, but if she has a self-destructive tendency, she won't stay 'satisfied' with good. Many of us have it.
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 you are saying Katielee had an affair because she is self destructive? Katielee...what do you think of this assessment?
Author katielee Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 I'm not sure what to think about it. Hmmm. I held it together for 25 years. That's a long time. I was pretty happy up until right before my affair. Or I was just distracted. I know I like to be adored and I get anxious when ppl don't like me. I thought about that today. I think hubby adores me, and kids, friends and family do too. Not sure why I need this. Or what I was missing growing up that makes this a need now, and if its an unhealthy one, what to do about it.
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I had the same thought...you said you were happy many years.... Only you know whether Tunera's opinion is correct...but in the times we have talked...I am not sure i would "analyze" you as a self destructive woman. We all want to be loved...and some of us want to be adored. Some of us are more "needy". My mother told Mr. JA before we married...I was a needy girl...whatever that meant....and I guess I am. I am a pleaser...and i fret when others don't like me. My husband could care less what others think....so maybe that's the issue with you and i...we just wanted to feel special and needed and wanted....and maybe that's an issue for you right now...maybe you just NEED to be reassured that he still wants you and finds you desirable. I don't think you are self destructive....quite the opposite...I think you are a survivor. 1
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