How to Tell If a Guy Is Really Serious or Just Wrapped Up in the Chase

[jam.over.jelly]

I just read a really spot-on article about weeding out the wrong guys. Thought I would share with you all.

 

It's not always easy to tell the difference between a guy who's seriously into you and one who's wrapped up in the moment. The reason? Lust is a powerful thing, and some men will do just about anything in the sweet spot between "nice to meet you" and "sex." Closing the gap between point A and B can be a goal some men pursue with the same vigor as Roger Federer practicing for, playing in, and attempting to win Wimbledon, for example. They may get carried away and act like you're the be-all and end-all, only to lose interest or show their true colors as soon as you sleep together. If you're just looking for sex, then carry on, but if not, how can you tell if a guy is really right for the long-term?

 

Lauren Frances is one of my favorite relationship experts, and she happens to focus on these particular struggles in her books and one-on-one coaching. In fact, she's known for helping women weed out the wrong men right on the first date. In order to do that, she devised a way to tell whether a guy wants the same things as you, which should be the foundation of any long-term relationship (we discussed it here on Smitten a few years ago).

 

Here's the problem: Frances' first-date trick works perfectly, but most of us don't truly listen to the answer we get. Raise your hand if you ever fudged the facts in your mind because you really wanted to see things through rose-colored glasses with a promising guy [raises hand!]. Well, the fudging-of-facts bit carries on throughout a relationship, sometimes keeping us committed to the wrong guy for months (or years). Frances is here to help us see things as they really are instead of how we want to see them. Below, she takes us through a relationship reality check to keep your head clear at every stage of the relationship:

 

On the first date...

Frances' first-date trick (known as her "Heartache Prevention Question") is simply to ask him, point blank, if he believes in X (X being your ultimate dream and goal, be it monogamy, marriage, having a family, or running away to join the circus). It may seem simple, but it's incredibly effective if you're prepared to really listen to his answer.

 

"On a first date, a guy's gonna basically say, 'I don't believe in love' or 'I'll never get married,'" says Frances. In other words, it's his most honest moment, and the time for you to ask questions and take the answers at face value without any interpretation of your own. If you're both looking for the same thing, you've made it through checkpoint number one.

 

Curveball #1: The guy who texts you nonstop, way too soon.

It's good if a guy isn't afraid to get in touch, but if he launches into constant contact before you've even been on a date, it's a bad sign. "This guy's going to go into a full-court press right away. He will start texting you five times a day; he will try to completely occupy and dominate your time very quickly," says Frances. If this happens as soon as you exchange numbers on a dating app, before you've even had a single date, then you'll know he's just buttering you up for sex. "He will start creating a romantic fantasy via text that will allow you to feel like you're more romantically connected than he's earned by actually taking you out on dates. By the time he sees you, you feel like you've already been dating for three weeks. It's kind of like putting Miracle Gro on a sexual conquest. A guy who wants to really be in a relationship with you and is really ready for a partnership doesn't need to push like that. Guys who want to seriously date you want to see you in person."

 

On dates 2 and 3...

"On the second and third dates, what I like to have my clients do is really pay attention to how consistent he is. How long does it take him after the first date to follow up? It's really important if you like your suitor to thank him for the date while you're on the date—'Oh my God, I had so much fun with you, this was such a treat.' Express your gratitude and thank him on the date. You do not send a 'thank-you' follow-up text. What you want to see after the first date is if he really likes you too. You don't want to fill in the blanks and start connecting the dots yourself and driving the momentum of the courtship forward. You want to see if he likes you enough to court."

 

You may be tempted to reach out when don't hear from him, but "what you have to do is sit on your hands and not text, and see how long it takes him to follow up," Frances insists. It's not about anti-feminism and saying that women can't make the first move; it's about letting him express his true intentions. You know how you feel after a date, but, "If you proactively short-circuit a man's ability to chase you by chasing him, then you can't see his level of interest," Frances explains. Give him the opportunity to show you how he feels with no assistance or pushing or convincing.

 

"Men will start ramping up their displays of courtship for you over the next few dates if they get really excited about you. He's going to hopefully be texting you, emailing you, and trying to lock you down for another date. He'll be stepping up his romantic gestures: If you met at a bar on the first date, what I want to see is that he's taking you out to dinner or planning something more extravagant for the second or third date. A man who's really trying to date you in a respectful way won't hook up with you on a second or third date. He'll take you out to concerts, he'll take you out to restaurants, he won't be pressuring you for sex, he'll keep trying to get to know you."

 

Curveball #2: The "let's hang out at my place" guy.

Some guys are really horny, let's face it. And there's nothing wrong with that. But if he's looking for a wife, he'll be looking for more than just a naked body and can make it through two or three dates without taking off your clothes. If not, he might just be pursuing you for the nookie. "If his intentions are sexual, the nature of the conversations will be sexual," says Frances. He'll invite you out to a nice second-date dinner, and then invite you back to his place. Or "he'll say, 'Why don't I cook dinner for us at my place?' I really suggest that women wait. The best way to not get into a sexual situation that you're not ready for and keep him on simmer is: Do not invite him indoors or go indoors with him on those first three dates."

 

On the 4th date and beyond...

If all goes well through the first three dates, he's courting you and making plans, following up, asking questions about you, and says he wants the same things in life as you, then it's time to move on to the next phase of dating. "You want to check for compatibility coordinates," says Frances. "You want to ask men qualifying questions about how compatible you are. The clues that he's just ultimately trying to sleep with you are that he will start talking about your body, making comments about how turned on he is, or say, 'Wow you look so hot' or 'You have amazing breasts.' If he starts talking about sex and what he likes sexually before you sleep together, that's a clear indicator he's qualifying you FOR SEX. He's definitely positioning you for missionary position, not marriage," says Frances.

 

On the other hand, "Men who are interested in dating in a serious way will start talking about serious things. If he starts talking about where he is in life, what his goals are, his future...men who are interested in getting married will definitely talk about getting married. They will qualify you right away because they don't want to waste their time. They'll say, 'I really want to have a great relationship. I got a promotion at work and now I have more time to focus on a relationship.' If there is none of that talk, then usually they're not seeing you as that kind of romantic candidate. Men are better at shopping for relationships than women are—they will start asking you about what your goals are within the first couple of dates, because they're not interested in dating someone that isn't looking for the same thing."

 

Sounds fair enough, right? Not every woman needs these tips, and not every woman is looking for a lasting, long-term relationship. But if you are, Frances' tips are based on years of research and one-on-one counseling, and she really knows what she's talking about. If you keep ending up with the wrong guy, give this method a try.

 

Source

How to Tell If He Really Wants a Relationship With You: Glamour.com

[abby2]

This is definitely very helpful!

Thank you so much!

[Maggie4]

Problem is, sometimes the act of asking the question, changes the outcome, so you never get the real answer.

[scooby-philly]

I agree - from a guy's perspective - it's spot on. At least for me being a guy who's not out to just get some nooky. I mean, I enjoy sex as much as any guy - maybe more, but for me there has to be a spark or it's just not the same.

 

I would offer a bit of advice - trying something like this really helps the nice guys out because too often women will lead us on for way longer than necessary - not just with the sex, but holding back on their own personalities or just being polite up front because they've gotten burned in the past. We all experience a broken heart at some point in our lives, but using something like this is helpful not only weeding out the "players" but making it a bit easier for the rest of us.

[Smitten and Bitten]

You're reading Glamour Magazine to learn about how men think?!

 

No wonder s*** is so f***ed up.

 

Who writes these articles? Why do you believe what they write? Why is this "spot on"?

 

I started to write a rebuttal to this, but there is so much wrong here it would have taken me days.

 

You pick. I'll rebut.

[mystikmind2005]

Hmmm, i am definitely a guy who is after a serious relationship, but if a woman started asking me those kind of questions on a first date, i would definitely start making mental notes where the nearest exits are!!

[Oregon_Dude]

Don't go indoors with a man!!!

[SmartDude]

How to tell if a guy is really serious or just wrapped up in the chase?

 

Most men don't even know if they are chasing or if its for real yet. The rule is to chase and worry about the outcome later. right?

 

Sometimes you just honestly don't know, and you need more time to see how thing go. I think this applies to both sexes.

[Buddhist]

More relationship advice from Ye Olde Stereotypical Book Of Gender Norms.

[jam.over.jelly]

OK maybe not asking those questions on the very first date, but I would definitely ask about his intentions within the first 3 dates. And if the guy "looks for the nearest exist" because i ask those questions? I will help him look for it and show him the way out. Other than that I do believe this article is spot on. And I dont care what others say, to each their own. SO what if I read this article? So what if I think a lot of it is true? After all, there's such a thing as selective thinking. You don't have to listen to everything the article says, pick whatever information that sounds right to you. It's written by one person, it is subjective after all.

[BluEyeL]

These things are true and if you follow them you'll be much closer to finding a good guy. I did date that way and it worked out for me, I found somebody to love and we've been together one year and three months now, and going strong. At the first date you don't have to ask the questions bluntly, there are ways to extract the information indirectly. Men will tell you who they are if you just listen.

 

The guys who say they'd leave well that's the point. Weeding you out.

[Zippy2000]

You're reading Glamour Magazine to learn about how men think?!

 

No wonder s*** is so f***ed up.

 

Who writes these articles? Why do you believe what they write? Why is this "spot on"?

 

I started to write a rebuttal to this, but there is so much wrong here it would have taken me days.

 

You pick. I'll rebut.

 

Excuse me? This is a forum. Its here for help, self improvement and sharing knowledge and learning from it.

 

Its not here for rebuttle and if you think this forum isnt for you I suggest you try another forum.

 

This thread has some truth and helps guid people what to do when they are dating. Have YOU got anything to share with us or put on the table?

[lino]

You're reading Glamour Magazine to learn about how men think?!

 

No wonder s*** is so f***ed up.

 

Who writes these articles? Why do you believe what they write? Why is this "spot on"?

 

I started to write a rebuttal to this, but there is so much wrong here it would have taken me days.

 

You pick. I'll rebut.

 

Agree.

 

This is why things are so messed up, because rubbish like this is taken as gospel.

 

The guys who are players and love the chase will lie anyway in any answers they give to your questions.

 

At the end of the day, if you keep getting with men like this there's a reason.

 

Many genuine and good fellows around, but you call them 'just friends' or stop gap guys at most. Just read your other large topic for evidence of this OP.

[BluEyeL]

Agree.

 

This is why things are so messed up, because rubbish like this is taken as gospel.

 

The guys who are players and love the chase will lie anyway in any answers they give to your questions.

 

At the end of the day, if you keep getting with men like this there's a reason.

 

Many genuine and good fellows around, but you call them 'just friends' or stop gap guys at most. Just read your other large topic for evidence of this OP.

The argument that players will lie anyway or continue to pursue for the chase has been brought up before but it is flawed because if you have enough experience you'll see through the lies . Is not just what a man says but the entire picture of what he says and does. Hell out himself pretty quickly . People tell you the truth in passing if you listen. Also no player will wait on you months and will be consistent with dates and everything . No player will make you his girlfriend before sex if he needs to wait 3 months and he has no idea how long it'll take him. They are experienced and will move to easier targets. Plenty of those to go around. This is based of my experience doing online dating where most men are looking for flings.

[jam.over.jelly]

 

Many genuine and good fellows around, but you call them 'just friends' or stop gap guys at most. Just read your other large topic for evidence of this OP.

 

What the damn hell? Excuse me for not feeling the same. Just because some guy is nice doesn't mean I have to have strong feelings for him. If it's not there it simply isn't, you cannot force it.