update

[qubist]

Is he still friend with OM do they have any contact? As this could be a trigger for him

[sammy7111]

How do you call him your husband friend? He wasn't much of a friend was he.

[Lion Heart]

Shai, I would guess that more than any other single thing--other than this not having happened--to recover with you, you husband needs to know the answer to one question: "Who are you?"

 

And whether your marriage recovers or not, to offer him all the healing you can, and to offer yourself the chance to be a person of worth, you also need to know the answer to the same question.

 

So-- who are you, Shai?

 

In recovery from addiction, which is not the same as recovery from affairs but which has some similar soul-searing challenges at the core, this is called "taking a searching moral inventory."

 

It begins by stripping away your rationailzations and justifications, and looking at who you are as reveled by your behavior alone.

 

From your story--which I note in passing has a lot of gaps, a lot I suspect you know is relevant but you are not telling us--we actually do know some things about you.

 

You are a person who lies fluidly. You are a monstrously selfish person, in that you can and have chosen to betray and make unsafe your husband and children's lives to chase some temporary solace for whatever caused you turmoil. You are a person who medicates inner pain by acting out. You are a person with deeply impaired empathy.

 

That is who you are, or at least, who you were just a few weeks ago.

 

Do you want to continue to be that person?

 

If you want to have anyhope of chnage, you need to start asking questions, really hard questions, and answer them honestly.

 

How did you start to lie? How long ago? With what kind of lies--lies of omission, perhaps, or conceilment, long before active lies?

 

Why do you value people? Do you value them for empathy and kindness, or for their ability to tell you something that makes you feel better about yourself? When did this begin?

 

Do you show others your true self, or do you show them only that which you think will get them to like you or reassure you? How long have you behaved that way?

 

Do you trust people, or do you only feel safe if you can control their perception of you?

 

And a thousand others.

 

But who are you, really, Shai? And if you do not like who you are--what are you going to change inside you?

 

This is what you need to learn. And it is what your husband needs to see you learning.

 

 

 

I have profound faith in redemption. I beleive you can become a person of real worth. Many of the people I admire most and learn most from are people who have done terrible things to themselves or others, but have embraced the hard work of self-knowledge and change. And their past gevious mistakes now give them humility and compassion for others. Being such a person is within your grasp, too. But the road begins with looking precisely at whatever makes you most uncomfortable about yourself. If the answer to a question is too painful to look at straight--then that is exactly where you need to start looking and digging.

 

Hi Shai

 

How eloquently and politely put ^^^^.

 

I'm a BS. Over 9 months since my first D Day. Only a little over 2 weeks since my most shocking set of D Days.

 

I'm not at Day 1 all over again but it's a living hell I am trying to navigate through.

 

Your Betrayed Husband may need a WHOLE set of different things than I needed but I'll share what only I needed.

 

BTW I am a faithful wife. I am a person of integrity. I hold an esteemed job. I am a wife and mother to 4 beautiful children. A son-in-law I adore and a baby grandson. I'm a passionate lover and creator.

 

My WH is a destructive force. I create. He destroys.

 

I needed:

- the TRUTH. No matter what. The absolute, unadulterated truth. At all times to every single question.

- hope. Hope that these set of flammable behaviours of WH would END. Hope that I could navigate life with him in R but felt most definitely at ANY GIVEN MOMENT I would be ok after D. Especially regarding the children.

- empathy. Not for WH as I've shown but for the horrible ordeal me and my children were going through. It took 6 months for glimmers of empathy to BEGIN to be apparent. True empathy MAY BE gathered (if not felt by people of particular personalities) by actually putting your self in your husband's place in every conceivable way. People who have affairs have already shown their inability for empathy. This may take years of therapy for some but I would estimate the "uncomfortable" feelings of empathy is NOT what such people are seeking. Pleasure bent is more apt.

- doing the "hard yards" WITH me. Your BH may wake at midnight or many times a night in any given state. Be there. Be gone if he asks. Be available to him. Be fully present in your ailing marraige and know you caused his deep emotional pain, confusion and at times maybe utter despair.

- take full and complete responsibility for every single action. Do not engage in Cheaters Handbook behaviours! It drives a BS crazy. Know these behaviours and avoid them. The marriage may have been on the rocks or in turbulent times but how did your husband handle these times INSTEAD OF OPTING for an A? I was in the very same marriage too. I tried forever to crack open my WH for me. He was in affair fogs for years. I didn't WANT to stray ofcourse because I loved my husband, children and family but the situation needed an A like a bullet to the brain to add!

 

Just some.

Hope it helps.

 

I honestly believe a person "ripe for an affair" should exit the marriage first. It's ruinous to do otherwise. Destroying a marriage and a family is ruinous in itself without EVERY possible avenue explored first.

 

Lion Heart

[Hardgrind]

Shai, I did not read your earlier post so this may be repeated advice. I am a BS and in our case we did not R because my XW never ended her affair and declined to give up her AP.

 

 

The book that I found incredibly helpful was "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It has sections on understanding how affairs happen, on how to recover together and how to recover alone. I think both you and your husband would find it a worthwhile read. I bought my XW a copy also and she declined to read it, which basically told me what I needed to know about how committed she was to saving our marriage (not the least bit committed). Wishing you only the best.

[Shai00]

Is he still friend with OM do they have any contact? As this could be a trigger for him

 

No they're not friends. We have no contact other than occasionally speaking to the OM's wife. However my husband use to do work for the OM's mom at her restaurant and this past weekend she contacted him to come and do work for her. Remind you all of our parents know because that was one of the things needed in the healing process. This triggered him and he was very unsure of what to do. We talked about it and we both agreed it would not be a healthy thing to do. So he never replied.

[Shai00]

Hi Shai

 

How eloquently and politely put ^^^^.

 

I'm a BS. Over 9 months since my first D Day. Only a little over 2 weeks since my most shocking set of D Days.

 

I'm not at Day 1 all over again but it's a living hell I am trying to navigate through.

 

Your Betrayed Husband may need a WHOLE set of different things than I needed but I'll share what only I needed.

 

BTW I am a faithful wife. I am a person of integrity. I hold an esteemed job. I am a wife and mother to 4 beautiful children. A son-in-law I adore and a baby grandson. I'm a passionate lover and creator.

 

My WH is a destructive force. I create. He destroys.

 

I needed:

- the TRUTH. No matter what. The absolute, unadulterated truth. At all times to every single question.

- hope. Hope that these set of flammable behaviours of WH would END. Hope that I could navigate life with him in R but felt most definitely at ANY GIVEN MOMENT I would be ok after D. Especially regarding the children.

- empathy. Not for WH as I've shown but for the horrible ordeal me and my children were going through. It took 6 months for glimmers of empathy to BEGIN to be apparent. True empathy MAY BE gathered (if not felt by people of particular personalities) by actually putting your self in your husband's place in every conceivable way. People who have affairs have already shown their inability for empathy. This may take years of therapy for some but I would estimate the "uncomfortable" feelings of empathy is NOT what such people are seeking. Pleasure bent is more apt.

- doing the "hard yards" WITH me. Your BH may wake at midnight or many times a night in any given state. Be there. Be gone if he asks. Be available to him. Be fully present in your ailing marraige and know you caused his deep emotional pain, confusion and at times maybe utter despair.

- take full and complete responsibility for every single action. Do not engage in Cheaters Handbook behaviours! It drives a BS crazy. Know these behaviours and avoid them. The marriage may have been on the rocks or in turbulent times but how did your husband handle these times INSTEAD OF OPTING for an A? I was in the very same marriage too. I tried forever to crack open my WH for me. He was in affair fogs for years. I didn't WANT to stray ofcourse because I loved my husband, children and family but the situation needed an A like a bullet to the brain to add!

 

Just some.

Hope it helps.

 

I honestly believe a person "ripe for an affair" should exit the marriage first. It's ruinous to do otherwise. Destroying a marriage and a family is ruinous in itself without EVERY possible avenue explored first.

 

Lion Heart

 

Thank you for your reply Lion Heart,

 

Everything that you have written I have done and continue to do. I am always there to answer any questions honestly. I am making sure he knows I am here 100% no matter what. I read, research and ask you guys for help. This helps me a lot.

[Shai00]

No they're not friends. We have no contact other than occasionally speaking to the OM's wife. However my husband use to do work for the OM's mom at her restaurant and this past weekend she contacted him to come and do work for her. Remind you all of our parents know because that was one of the things needed in the healing process. This triggered him and he was very unsure of what to do. We talked about it and we both agreed it would not be a healthy thing to do. So he never replied.

 

 

I need to clarify this. Only my husband has contact with the OMW. I have had and will not have contact with any of them.

[qubist]

how is your husband handling R? the reason I'm asking is that his reaction was not what we normally see from betrayed husbands. this is something you should really really consider. I read your initial thread and I can't believe that you guys went to beach vacation right after Dday and had fun, sometimes BS hide their emotions which is bad for full healing.

there was a lady here in this forum whose husband left 8 years after dday. I'm not telling you this to scare you I'm just warning you

[nightmare01]

Shai -

 

It's a LONG road you have before you, I hope you know that. There may never be a time when your husband is "over it". In many ways this wound never completely heals.

 

My Dday was July 19, 2001. Yes. 14 years ago. My wife and I are still together and we are doing well. We enjoy each other's company, laugh, and have a good sex life. But at the same time, there isn't a single day that passes that I don't think of her LTA (long term affair). Sometimes it's a small thing brought on by a trigger from watching the television. It could also be something she inadvertently says that reminds me of how she was like during her affair.

 

As I said though, we are good together now. The thing is that being betrayed is a life altering event. It changes your entire world view. Changes how you see other people, and your whole view of humanity. And there is no changing that back to how it was. Our marriage will never be the way it was before her affair, which in many ways is s good thing. Our marriage will never be what it could have been either, and that isn't a good thing.

 

Once trust is broken to this degree it will never go back to what it was. And that lack of complete trust affects the level of intimacy that can exist between us. Today I love my wife, but it's not the same strength of love that it was before. I used to be 100% committed to her and our marriage, but now with the lack of total trust for her I now have a plan B waiting in the wings should she betray me again.

 

The pain of being betrayed is beyond the conception of anyone who has not experienced it. To suffer that again... I just could not do it, so to protect myself I have a plan B. I know that sounds awful, but that plan B was necessary for me to continue on with her, and honestly it would be necessary even if I divorced her and found someone else. Basically I will never be that vulnerable again.

 

As I said though, it's a LONG road you and your husband must negotiate.. and much of that road is not mapped out or marked, and it's in the dark. Recovery after an affair is very hard work. I hope you realize that and are ready for the long road that's ahead of you.