Has he lost interest and how can I resolve this?

[HeBrokeMyHeart]

So I've been dating a guy for a month this friday. We hit it off instantly and we have a great time together, we always have a laugh and joke together and feels like we've been friends forever. We have not had sex yet as I want to wait due to past experiences which I informed him 2 weeks in. I told him I wasn't just after sex and I wasn't that type of girl, he informed me that he never thought I was that girl and he never thought that was what I was after. Things have gotten pretty heated and I have stayed over his house, in which he cuddled me the whole night.

 

Everything seems to be going well and sometimes I can really tell he likes me, however he always seems to busy to do anything. I appreciate everyone has a life and I will never expect him to fit his life around me but it would be nice if he could make more of an effort to make me part of it. Since the beginning I have been the one to pursue him, mainly because I'm the sort of person that if I want something I go after it and I'm also a very straight forward person. He never turns me down but when he is busy he does apologise and seem very sad he can't make it. I have even given him opportunities to say if he doesn't want to go.

 

For example saying "you don't have to come if you don't want to, thats fine ' he then replied "oh no i didn't mean to sound ungrateful or anything because i do want to go with you.' I also gave him the option out yesterday when I said we could do a different day if he wanted to and he replied yes of course. We have seen each other 4 times which is like roughly once a week. However recently he seems a bit distant it has been his birthday and he is heading off on a training course in 2 weeks which will mean I won't see him again.

 

Now my friend has invited us out on a double date with her boyfriend this weekend (He was also really worried my friend won't like him) and I'm just waiting to see if he is doing anything with family first as he goes away but he says hopefully he can make it. Now I'm not one to play games and hold back from what I'm feeling. But many dating sites say you should never pursue a guy etc. I'm wondering if I should pull back and let him initiate contact and take the lead (something I don't really want to do) that way I can gauge his interest or do I just see how it goes, if he can't make it this weekend let him know that I'm disappointed and state in a calm, straight forward way that if he wishes this to continue I deserve more and set my standards and ask him if he is still interested.

 

So do I 1) pull back or 2) be straight forward and not play games beating around the bush?

 

p.s I should also add he has also opened up to me and spoke as if he sees me in his future saying things like "you would have known sooner or later might as well say something now"

Edited September 23, 2015 by HeBrokeMyHeart

[menyou]

So I've been dating a guy for a month this friday. We hit it off instantly and we have a great time together, we always have a laugh and joke together and feels like we've been friends forever. We have not had sex yet as I want to wait due to past experiences which I informed him 2 weeks in. I told him I wasn't just after sex and I wasn't that type of girl, he informed me that he never thought I was that girl and he never thought that was what I was after. Things have gotten pretty heated and I have stayed over his house, in which he cuddled me the whole night.

 

Everything seems to be going well and sometimes I can really tell he likes me, however he always seems to busy to do anything. I appreciate everyone has a life and I will never expect him to fit his life around me but it would be nice if he could make more of an effort to make me part of it. Since the beginning I have been the one to pursue him, mainly because I'm the sort of person that if I want something I go after it and I'm also a very straight forward person. He never turns me down but when he is busy he does apologise and seem very sad he can't make it. I have even given him opportunities to say if he doesn't want to go.

 

For example saying "you don't have to come if you don't want to, thats fine ' he then replied "oh no i didn't mean to sound ungrateful or anything because i do want to go with you.' I also gave him the option out yesterday when I said we could do a different day if he wanted to and he replied yes of course. We have seen each other 4 times which is like roughly once a week. However recently he seems a bit distant it has been his birthday and he is heading off on a training course in 2 weeks which will mean I won't see him again.

 

Now my friend has invited us out on a double date with her boyfriend this weekend (He was also really worried my friend won't like him) and I'm just waiting to see if he is doing anything with family first as he goes away but he says hopefully he can make it. Now I'm not one to play games and hold back from what I'm feeling. But many dating sites say you should never pursue a guy etc. I'm wondering if I should pull back and let him initiate contact and take the lead (something I don't really want to do) that way I can gauge his interest or do I just see how it goes, if he can't make it this weekend let him know that I'm disappointed and state in a calm, straight forward way that if he wishes this to continue I deserve more and set my standards and ask him if he is still interested.

 

So do I 1) pull back or 2) be straight forward and not play games beating around the bush?

 

I see no issue with you inviting him to get together. Not everyday. That would be cause for concern. If you think you are overdoing it in communication like constant texting then you could ease it up and see what happens but don't go dark. This is still super fresh so let it flow naturally. It looks like he is very responsive to your advances. And in a good way!

[HeBrokeMyHeart]

I don't ask everyday but do ask him on occasions I know he will be free as I know his schedule pretty well! And I never double text, I do get on with my life and when he replies he replies! If its been a day or two and I haven't heard from him I will send him a message and start up a conversation. I do feel like I'm taking a more man role in this aha! It doesn't bother me as I would say I'm an independent woman and go after what I want and tell it how it is, I also know I do not need a man. I do however like this guy and he's the first since my awful break up a year ago so I do hope this works out! However if it doesn't I know I will be okay, I was happy before he was in my life and i'll be happy after too.

[smackie9]

If he was THAT interested in you, he would definitely make the time to see you. Since he says he is busy every time you want to set something up, you don't have time for his excuses. Seriously it's possible he has a GF or is dating others. Once a week is not fulfilling your expectations, nor is it a sign of someone that is serious.....I wouldn't invest any more time into this fella.

[HeBrokeMyHeart]

If he was THAT interested in you, he would definitely make the time to see you. Since he says he is busy every time you want to set something up, you don't have time for his excuses. Seriously it's possible he has a GF or is dating others. Once a week is not fulfilling your expectations, nor is it a sign of someone that is serious.....I wouldn't invest any more time into this fella.

I agree that he should be making more time, however one day a week is fine as long as we are going out and doing something. I do not want to rush into things and take things slow to get to know each other more better. However he does work monday to friday some weekends too, he's also involved in a darts group and a football team which takes up monday, wednesday and sunday. He also sees his friends on a friday (which he did tell me about when we first met) So he is a very sociable and active man I also get the idea he is not one to sit around and do nothing. I just need to communicate that I expect more then this as I haven't let him know its a issue and I believe communicating is the best thing in any form of a relationship.

[losangelena]

Why don't you stop reaching out and see what happens.

 

Why do you want to be with someone who you have to constantly initiate with? That will get old and cause resentment very soon. A good relationship is a balance of initiating and letting the other initiate. Give him a chance to do it. Going after what you want is not a bad thing, but he is not a trophy. You get no reward if you lock him down against his will.

 

You've seen each other four times. That is far too soon to trot out the "I'm disappointed and I deserve better" speech. You guys have barely anything.

 

**Soap box side note: I've noticed a lot of posters on here, when describing the beginning of their relationship, will say, "it's so great, we click right away, there's no awkwardness, we feel like we've known each other so long, we had an instant connection," as if all of that equates to relational compatibility or the long-term interest of the other party. It does not. That feeling is not a bad thing, but it's just chemistry. It's one part of the equation, but the more important part to pay attention to is what comes after the, "but" in that sentence. Rant over**

 

Step back and let him pursue. You've made your interest very well known. If he remains passive and uninterested, find someone else.

[menyou]

I agree that he should be making more time, however one day a week is fine as long as we are going out and doing something. I do not want to rush into things and take things slow to get to know each other more better. However he does work monday to friday some weekends too, he's also involved in a darts group and a football team which takes up monday, wednesday and sunday. He also sees his friends on a friday (which he did tell me about when we first met) So he is a very sociable and active man I also get the idea he is not one to sit around and do nothing. I just need to communicate that I expect more then this as I haven't let him know its a issue and I believe communicating is the best thing in any form of a relationship.

 

You need to word it as such that you don't sound too demanding. That would be a turn off. Do not use the words expect or deserve. Lol

[HeBrokeMyHeart]

Why don't you stop reaching out and see what happens.

 

Why do you want to be with someone who you have to constantly initiate with? That will get old and cause resentment very soon. A good relationship is a balance of initiating and letting the other initiate. Give him a chance to do it. Going after what you want is not a bad thing, but he is not a trophy. You get no reward if you lock him down against his will.

 

You've seen each other four times. That is far too soon to trot out the "I'm disappointed and I deserve better" speech. You guys have barely anything.

 

**Soap box side note: I've noticed a lot of posters on here, when describing the beginning of their relationship, will say, "it's so great, we click right away, there's no awkwardness, we feel like we've known each other so long, we had an instant connection," as if all of that equates to relational compatibility or the long-term interest of the other party. It does not. That feeling is not a bad thing, but it's just chemistry. It's one part of the equation, but the more important part to pay attention to is what comes after the, "but" in that sentence. Rant over**

 

Step back and let him pursue. You've made your interest very well known. If he remains passive and uninterested, find someone else.

I think I'm going to step back and let him initiate some more, I know he's not a trophy in any means I simply mean if I like someone I tell them, if i want to see them ill invite, if i want to know something i'll ask i just try to live my life as uncomplicated as I can I don't see the point of all this holding back one never knows what might happen. I am a very straightforward person and sometimes its a great thing and sometimes it gets me in trouble but I know this.

[HeBrokeMyHeart]

You need to word it as such that you don't sound too demanding. That would be a turn off. Do not use the words expect or deserve. Lol

Ahha don't worry i won't word it like that and will try get it across in a way that lets him know that I like him but he needs to raise his game if he wants this to continue.

[losangelena]

I think I'm going to step back and let him initiate some more, I know he's not a trophy in any means I simply mean if I like someone I tell them, if i want to see them ill invite, if i want to know something i'll ask i just try to live my life as uncomplicated as I can I don't see the point of all this holding back one never knows what might happen. I am a very straightforward person and sometimes its a great thing and sometimes it gets me in trouble but I know this.

 

And I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing interest and inviting along. If I like someone, I show it, too, there's nothing wrong with that.

 

It's just that this seems unbalanced. The next time he says he can't make it to something you invite him to, then say something like, "OK, just let me know if/when you want to hang out again," or words to that effect. The initiating has got to be a two-way street, especially at the beginning. Some people will accept invitations just because they're there, or because they don't want to say no, but if you're trying to build a relationship, I think it's important that both feel as sense of drive and excitement to want to see each other. Let him show that to you. Accept an invitation FROM him next time. That's not game playing—that's healthy reciprocity.

[d0nnivain]

The # of times you used "always" and "never" struck a chord with me. That's a lot of absolutes for a 1 month old relationship.

 

It's Wednesday. I would reach out to firm up these plans for the double date since there are others involved.

 

The I would back off. Let him go to his training. See what happens while he's away.

 

I'd get him a birthday card & maybe take him for a celebratory drink but other than that it's too early to make a big fuss.

[HeBrokeMyHeart]

And I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing interest and inviting along. If I like someone, I show it, too, there's nothing wrong with that.

 

It's just that this seems unbalanced. The next time he says he can't make it to something you invite him to, then say something like, "OK, just let me know if/when you want to hang out again," or words to that effect. The initiating has got to be a two-way street, especially at the beginning. Some people will accept invitations just because they're there, or because they don't want to say no, but if you're trying to build a relationship, I think it's important that both feel as sense of drive and excitement to want to see each other. Let him show that to you. Accept an invitation FROM him next time. That's not game playing—that's healthy reciprocity.

I agree and I think I did at some point last week say to him "Just let me know when you have time to hang out and actually do something" which he replied yeah thats fine. I had already invited him out with my friend for the double date which I checked in about yesterday and we had a brief conversation. I guess I do need to step back so he can lead a bit, I guess its sort of like a dance thinking about it aha.

[HeBrokeMyHeart]

The # of times you used "always" and "never" struck a chord with me. That's a lot of absolutes for a 1 month old relationship.

 

It's Wednesday. I would reach out to firm up these plans for the double date since there are others involved.

 

The I would back off. Let him go to his training. See what happens while he's away.

 

I'd get him a birthday card & maybe take him for a celebratory drink but other than that it's too early to make a big fuss.

I checked him with yesterday as my friend did enquire about it and he said he hadn't found out yet but he will find out and confirm with me. In which he did say hopefully he can make it, so we will see. I did say about taking him out for ice cream for his birthday which was what the whole "Oh I didn't mean to sound ungrateful because I do want to go with you." was about as I said id pay and he didn't like the idea of me paying.

[losangelena]

How often do you invite him to things, by the way?

[d0nnivain]

HeBrokeMyHeart

 

Let me tell you a story about my friend. She complained that her BF never paid the check. She couldn't explain why.

 

I went out to dinner with them. It was clarified from the outset that I would be paying my own way.

 

After dinner, the BF got up from the table to use the restroom. While he was gone, the check came. My friend let out an exaggerated sigh & reached for the check. I asked her what she was doing. She said he stuck her with the check again. I said no, he went to the bathroom. Then asked if this happens all the time. She said yes. I told her to leave the check on the table & see what happens. He came back & smiled broadly saying OMG are you finally going to let me pay the check? I get up to go to the bathroom & you've already paid by the time I get back.

 

Sometimes you gotta just give them a chance & not jump in there because you move faster than they do.

 

Patience grasshopper.

[HeBrokeMyHeart]

How often do you invite him to things, by the way?

I would say about once a week. Most weekends we will end up doing something on a sunday night and I will normally stay so we spend monday together before work. But with how busy he normally is I don't normally bother asking on the days he's busy. Last week I asked twice due to this whole double date thing and I thought with planning in nearly 2 weeks in advance it would be easier to plan things as I normally ask last minute or a day before sort of thing. However he goes away the day after so he's not sure if he's spending it with family.

[losangelena]

In that case just chill. At a certain point the only way to ascertain true interest is if we leave the ball fully in their court.

 

Are you hesitant to do that because you're afraid he might not pick it up?

[HeBrokeMyHeart]

HeBrokeMyHeart

 

Let me tell you a story about my friend. She complained that her BF never paid the check. She couldn't explain why.

 

I went out to dinner with them. It was clarified from the outset that I would be paying my own way.

 

After dinner, the BF got up from the table to use the restroom. While he was gone, the check came. My friend let out an exaggerated sigh & reached for the check. I asked her what she was doing. She said he stuck her with the check again. I said no, he went to the bathroom. Then asked if this happens all the time. She said yes. I told her to leave the check on the table & see what happens. He came back & smiled broadly saying OMG are you finally going to let me pay the check? I get up to go to the bathroom & you've already paid by the time I get back.

 

Sometimes you gotta just give them a chance & not jump in there because you move faster than they do.

 

Patience grasshopper.

That is very true, I do tend to storm ahead with things. I will step back and be patient whatever happens, happens and Ill go with the flow! If it works out it works out! Either way I'm happy with my life and myself and know that whatever happens my worth won't be effected

[HeBrokeMyHeart]

In that case just chill. At a certain point the only way to ascertain true interest is if we leave the ball fully in their court.

 

Are you hesitant to do that because you're afraid he might not pick it up?

I guess thinking about it I am. In all honesty i don't like not being in control of things, I wouldn't say I'm a control freak in any way but I certainly don't like fully letting go of the control I have. I guess thats mainly why and maybe a little bit of maybe he won't play.

[losangelena]

I guess thinking about it I am. In all honesty i don't like not being in control of things, I wouldn't say I'm a control freak in any way but I certainly don't like fully letting go of the control I have. I guess thats mainly why and maybe a little bit of maybe he won't play.

 

Mmm ... how does that make you not a control freak? ;)

 

But don't you think it'd feel a bit more ... fulfilling if you found a guy who you knew was into you? I know the beginning stages of dating are the most nerve wracking, but being able to sit in the uncertainty of the other person's feelings—and letting them come to you—is important. You have to give each other the space to let feelings grow. Plus, you don't want to spend more time than is necessary on someone who is not fully on-board. Sitting back and seeing if they step up is part of figuring that out.

[HeBrokeMyHeart]

Mmm ... how does that make you not a control freak? ;)

 

But don't you think it'd feel a bit more ... fulfilling if you found a guy who you knew was into you? I know the beginning stages of dating are the most nerve wracking, but being able to sit in the uncertainty of the other person's feelings—and letting them come to you—is important. You have to give each other the space to let feelings grow. Plus, you don't want to spend more time than is necessary on someone who is not fully on-board. Sitting back and seeing if they step up is part of figuring that out.

Yes looking at it that way I agree and I am defo going to step back and let him step up if he wants to of course! If he doesn't another one bites the dust! We will see how it all pans out either way it will work out for the best no matter if he decides to pursue it or not, saves me time and allows me to get on and maybe meet mr right!

[smackie9]

I agree that he should be making more time, however one day a week is fine as long as we are going out and doing something. I do not want to rush into things and take things slow to get to know each other more better. However he does work monday to friday some weekends too, he's also involved in a darts group and a football team which takes up monday, wednesday and sunday. He also sees his friends on a friday (which he did tell me about when we first met) So he is a very sociable and active man I also get the idea he is not one to sit around and do nothing. I just need to communicate that I expect more then this as I haven't let him know its a issue and I believe communicating is the best thing in any form of a relationship.

IMO you shouldn't have to ask. If you do have to, you are not with the right guy. Rule of thumb, you find a guy that already fulfills your expectations, not find a guy you have to make fit your expectations.

[empresario]

Agree with the above. Your title begs the question, did he ever have real interest in the first place? And yes, I used begging the question correctly. Most people just use it incorrectly.

 

Guys generally pursue women they really want. Hard.

[kendahke]

because I'm the sort of person that if I want something I go after it... I'm not one to play games and hold back from what I'm feeling. But many dating sites say you should never pursue a guy etc. I'm wondering if I should pull back and let him initiate contact and take the lead (something I don't really want to do) that way I can gauge his interest or do I just see how it goes, if he can't make it this weekend let him know that I'm disappointed and state in a calm, straight forward way that if he wishes this to continue I deserve more and set my standards and ask him if he is still interested.

 

So do I 1) pull back or 2) be straight forward and not play games beating around the bush?

 

p.s I should also add he has also opened up to me and spoke as if he sees me in his future saying things like "you would have known sooner or later might as well say something now"

 

His interest in you, especially after one month, should be as apparent as the nose on your face.

 

I vote for not playing games. If you want to be with him, then say something to him about it. If you need him to show more initiative, then own your voice and speak up for yourself and what you want. If he can't deliver or he's not interested in being *that man* for you, then next him.

 

I wouldn't put much store into anyone who "thinks out loud". Saying "you would have known sooner or later might as well say something now" is really meaningless as a guide to measuring the future. Saying to you "I see a future with you..." or "I see us both doing/having/seeing/wanting _________ in the future" is far more definitive.

[HeBrokeMyHeart]

So I refrained from messaging him (last spoke tuesday) and he messaged me today but to confirm he couldn't do saturday as he was as he thought spending it with the family. However at the end said about doing something when he was back from his training in 2 weeks.

 

I wrote back: Thought that might have been the case. Okay bit disappointing as it would have been nice to see you before you left but hope you have a nice day saturday! And yeah sure just let me know when and ill see if I'm available."

 

He then apologised explaining how he mainly wanted to see his nieces and nephews before he left (very close with them) apologised some more and then suggested about doing something tomorrow. I replied telling him I was busy tomorrow night and that we would have to just plan something for when he is back.

 

So I think he is interested I think I may have been making it to easy for him that he didn't feel the need to up his game. So we will see how he is in two weeks, and if he hasn't up his game its bye bye.