Smitten too soon - oh well...

[BluEyeL]

I don't think I was in love with the guy but it was going that way. We did spend a lot of time together. It just seemed natural at the time.

 

I am actually not worried about daily contact. I am more worried about consistency and reliability.

 

If I say "are you free on Wednesday to go do X" - then I want an answer.

 

If I say "Good morning" - I am not all that bothered about an answer.

 

But yeah - In all the long term, past relationships, it has moved fast at the beginning to continual daily contact, which then drops off slightly once living together.

 

Its only the short term "fling" type relationships where contact hasn't been consistent.

 

They don't have to be in my pocket - after all we both have jobs to do. But something that just lets me know that he is there and that we are carrying on down the same road is important every now and then.

 

My last couple of texts were to ask how he was (he had a stomach bug) and to confirm I was free last night and would like to go out. What time did he want to meet and in 4 days, with the day of our "next date passing", nothing back.

 

I am not a rocket scientist nor do I claim to be an expert but this is one very dead duck. If I start contacting him now its going to look like I am desperate (which I am not) or just some weirdo stalker lady. I might call him next week to see how he is getting on and just say "keep it at friends". I think he would probably like that and feel comfortable with that.

Yeah, based on these details, the guy is very much gone. I am so sorry. But he wasn't the one for you, that's all.

[purdyPeas]

meh, I don't emotionally invest in short term flings anymore. I've learned to protect my boundaries.....last text I sent to a guy after 5 days no contact was:

 

Me: "Soooo I'll just assume that a lack of a response is a response then."

 

Him:"I guess not enough of me (attention span wise) at this point."

 

Me: "Yeah, I would need more interest attention..."

 

[myothernic2]

Yeah, based on these details, the guy is very much gone. I am so sorry. But he wasn't the one for you, that's all.

 

Yes, I am not sure why you'd want to be "friends" with him either. He could have at the least, responded and said no to the date and thank you for checking up on me.

[Toodaloo]

Yeah, based on these details, the guy is very much gone. I am so sorry. But he wasn't the one for you, that's all.

 

It sucks but it is as it is. I know everyone had fingers crossed and was saying more time. But this one really is dead. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. No rhyme nor reason and I certainly am not going to slate the guy because he is lovely. But clearly its just not to be.

 

I love your attitude. I wish I could be more like that right now. Someone will be very lucky to be with you.

 

Thank you.

 

That is a really sweet compliment.

 

Its probably age that does it. If this had happened 20 years ago I would have been deeply upset but these days I understand that sometimes it just isn't to be so I don't let it worry me. I just get on with licking my wounds and getting myself back out there again.

 

On the plus side this does show that there are lovely, truly amazing men out there for us both. We just have to find the ones that suit us thats all.

[Toodaloo]

Yes, I am not sure why you'd want to be "friends" with him either. He could have at the least, responded and said no to the date and thank you for checking up on me.

 

My gut feeling is that he just doesn't see a romantic future and doesn't know how to bring it up. That is why he has done this. If I am wrong then fair do's and break all contact. But if not?

 

This guy really is awesome. Just because sex/ romantic relationship is off the cards why should I give up on a friendship with a truly amazing person? The whole basis of my liking him had sod all to do with his penis and everything to do with his brain so why would that change?

 

Given time I know I will be able to handle that well and I am sure he could too. Heck, I have some amazing friends who when I think back were actually met dating! I often have to think about it (or be reminded) though because they are true friends and not some reminiscence of what could have been.

[joseb]

Sorry to hear. No contact in 4 days does seem like thats that.

 

How much time were you sending together?

 

I dunno, for me, im really wary of spending a ton of time together initially. Relationships are like delicate flowers. With the best of intentions, too much time together too soon is a recipe for a quick burn and fade.

[Maggie4]

I had a bad experience with a guy, daily contact for two weeks, then silence for 4 days which led to ending it. In hindsight, the relationship began with a false start. I might wonder if things could have been different if I had moved slower, checked myself. But then with some guys, I know it would have failed anyway (for example, if he had some disorder with extreme highs and lows). Most of the time one never finds out which.

[Toodaloo]

Sorry to hear. No contact in 4 days does seem like thats that.

 

How much time were you sending together?

 

Every other day. Contact (brief) in between.

 

In all of my long term relationships they have started that way though.

 

I guess each of us is different.

 

Some plants bloom when left alone others die with out daily attention...

 

Horses for courses and all that.

 

It just is as it is. No point in going over it all and trying to dissect it. I didn't push, I didn't back off. I let him set the pace. It just wasn't to be.

 

I know some will go on about how he must be rude etc. But he really isn't. Its just one of those things. You can't always help who your attracted to or why.

[myothernic2]

My gut feeling is that he just doesn't see a romantic future and doesn't know how to bring it up. That is why he has done this. If I am wrong then fair do's and break all contact. But if not?

 

This guy really is awesome. Just because sex/ romantic relationship is off the cards why should I give up on a friendship with a truly amazing person? The whole basis of my liking him had sod all to do with his penis and everything to do with his brain so why would that change?

 

Given time I know I will be able to handle that well and I am sure he could too. Heck, I have some amazing friends who when I think back were actually met dating! I often have to think about it (or be reminded) though because they are true friends and not some reminiscence of what could have been.

 

I would agree with you if he wasn't blatantly ignoring you and being rude. That in itself shows some bad character traits. Are you sure he's as amazing as what you think? People can come across that way during short amounts of time but over time prove otherwise. You honestly didn't get a chance to really know him, so it's hard to say if he's as great as your first impressions, just my opinion.

[myothernic2]

Every other day. Contact (brief) in between.

 

In all of my long term relationships they have started that way though.

 

I guess each of us is different.

 

Some plants bloom when left alone others die with out daily attention...

 

Horses for courses and all that.

 

It just is as it is. No point in going over it all and trying to dissect it. I didn't push, I didn't back off. I let him set the pace. It just wasn't to be.

 

I know some will go on about how he must be rude etc. But he really isn't. Its just one of those things. You can't always help who your attracted to or why.

 

If you don't think that's rude, I wonder what you'd call it? Cowardly? Okay, good luck with the friendship if he accepts, hopefully he'll be a better "friend".

[katiegrl]

I would agree with you if he wasn't blatantly ignoring you and being rude. That in itself shows some bad character traits. Are you sure he's as amazing as what you think? People can come across that way during short amounts of time but over time prove otherwise. You honestly didn't get a chance to really know him, so it's hard to say if he's as great as your first impressions, just my opinion.

 

I am inclined to think it was what Toodaloo said herself in siriusp's thread.

 

He came on strong and fast and ended up scaring himself.... now he is feeling a bit *stuck* and has no idea what to do, and so does NOTHING .... and just disappears.

 

Good guy in all other respects, but as far as dating and relationships go, a bit of a wimp and *gutless wonder."

 

Best to stay clear..... just as Toodaloo is doing.

 

Smart women!!!!

Edited September 24, 2015 by katiegrl

[myothernic2]

I am inclined to think it was what Toodaloo said herself in siriusp's thread.

 

He came on strong and fast and ended up scaring himself.... now he is feeling a bit *stuck* and has no idea what to do, and so does NOTHING .... and just disappears.

 

Good guy in all other respects, but as far as dating and relationships go, a bit of a wimp and *gutless wonder."

 

Best to stay clear.....

 

Yes, that could be the case. I don't entertain wimps and gutless wonders in any respect but that's just me.. I hope she gets her friendship from the guy.

[katiegrl]

Yes, that could be the case.

 

 

**I don't entertain wimps and gutless wonders in any respect but that's just me..***

 

 

I hope she gets her friendship from the guy.

 

Yeah, I don't either, but although he's a gutless wonder in relationships, he might make a great friend.

 

One of my brothers is the same. Horrible in relationships (I have posted about him before) ...but the best damn friend any man (or woman) could ever hope for.

[Trane]

I've fallen head over heels and backwards, supposedly showed too much interest in the preliminary stages of meeting a woman, and the next thing she disappears out of my life for good. On the flipside, I've shown little-to-no interest after one meet up, and still she disappears out of my life for good.

 

I've also shown serious interest that some of the modern day feminists will constitute as "creepy" or "clingy" without being invasive and the woman in question couldn't get enough of me for. She loved that I wanted to spend every second, minute, moment, day, night, EVERYTHING with her.

 

So in hindsight, I don't believe in the level of interest junk and being smitten too early. If I like a woman, I like a woman, I like a woman. Simple as that. What I have learned to do is to show some restraint and keep my interest in her honest and true without changing anything about myself.

If I'm going nuts about a girl, I'll try not to crowd her but keep my distance with the focus being all on her.

 

If I'm indifferent to a girl but attracted to her, I will keep my distance and maintain open lines of communication.

[Toodaloo]

Good guy in all other respects, but as far as dating and relationships go, a bit of a wimp and *gutless wonder."

 

Best to stay clear..... just as Toodaloo is doing.

 

Smart women!!!!

 

Read the above people, Katiegrl is right - Just because someone is scared of being in a relationship or getting hurt and doesn't really know what to do about that doesn't mean that they are a bad person nor that they are gutless etc.

 

This guy is far from gutless. He has boxed for the UK at an international level, he has pulled friends out of sticky situations in the army, carried wounded soldiers through cross fire and dealt with the discovery of a couple of mass graves... and you all start calling him spineless and gutless??? Get a grip. This guy has more balls in his toe nail clippings than your average gent. Those are not the actions of a wimp. So no I am not going to judge the whole person, one one action, just because he probably doesn't know what to say right now.

 

But he is not for me.

 

So yes I do want him as a friend. I just don't want to date him any more and I don't think he wants to date me either.

 

Why did we all suddenly have to start name calling and being nasty to someone just because they don't want to date someone else?

 

Sorry but that is just really bitchy and sad behaviour.

 

Yes I am upset about this but I refuse to read all of this rubbish and cat calling about a wonderful person. Its no bloody wonder they all go and hide and we wonder where all the good men have gone.

 

For shame - for shame.

[Maggie4]

Read the above people, Katiegrl is right - Just because someone is scared of being in a relationship or getting hurt and doesn't really know what to do about that doesn't mean that they are a bad person nor that they are gutless etc.

 

This guy is far from gutless. He has boxed for the UK at an international level, he has pulled friends out of sticky situations in the army, carried wounded soldiers through cross fire and dealt with the discovery of a couple of mass graves... and you all start calling him spineless and gutless??? Get a grip. This guy has more balls in his toe nail clippings than your average gent. Those are not the actions of a wimp. So no I am not going to judge the whole person, one one action, just because he probably doesn't know what to say right now.

 

But he is not for me.

 

So yes I do want him as a friend. I just don't want to date him any more and I don't think he wants to date me either.

 

Why did we all suddenly have to start name calling and being nasty to someone just because they don't want to date someone else?

 

Sorry but that is just really bitchy and sad behaviour.

 

Yes I am upset about this but I refuse to read all of this rubbish and cat calling about a wonderful person. Its no bloody wonder they all go and hide and we wonder where all the good men have gone.

 

For shame - for shame.

 

Took the words right out of my mouth. Thank you. Recently have been reading too much of this negativity, trashing people just because things didn't go the way you wanted. How you react to disappointment says a lot about you. I made a note to myself, I do not want to be one of those women.

[seekingluck]

I am so so smitten with someone right now. I hope it builds into something. We have a really good connection. But some roadblocks too (distance is the hurdle).

 

At this point, although signs seem like he is interested. We actually haven't spent very much one on one time together. It is chemistry shaped by lots of short interactions. And I have interacted with him in multiple scenarios to see if he is treating me special or this is his normal.

 

For now I hope he can have a meaningful spot in my life and I hope he feels the same way!

[siriusp]

Read the above people, Katiegrl is right - Just because someone is scared of being in a relationship or getting hurt and doesn't really know what to do about that doesn't mean that they are a bad person nor that they are gutless etc.

 

This guy is far from gutless. He has boxed for the UK at an international level, he has pulled friends out of sticky situations in the army, carried wounded soldiers through cross fire and dealt with the discovery of a couple of mass graves... and you all start calling him spineless and gutless??? Get a grip. This guy has more balls in his toe nail clippings than your average gent. Those are not the actions of a wimp. So no I am not going to judge the whole person, one one action, just because he probably doesn't know what to say right now.

 

But he is not for me.

 

So yes I do want him as a friend. I just don't want to date him any more and I don't think he wants to date me either.

 

Why did we all suddenly have to start name calling and being nasty to someone just because they don't want to date someone else?

 

Sorry but that is just really bitchy and sad behaviour.

 

Yes I am upset about this but I refuse to read all of this rubbish and cat calling about a wonderful person. Its no bloody wonder they all go and hide and we wonder where all the good men have gone.

 

For shame - for shame.

 

Actually - maybe I didn't read your original posts correctly. I thought he left you hanging? I thought he didn't bother letting you know where you stood?

 

As I said before - although my situation is a bit different - when I got rejected I refused to see anything wrong with him. I accepted that it wasn't meant to be and was happy that I met such a lovely person. However, after I had made my peace - he came on strong and then disappeared.

 

He maybe a great person but he certainly did not treat me well. I consider it cowardly behavior and not good enough for me.

 

I am not a bitter person. I think there is nothing wrong with expecting to be treated with respect. If I share something with someone - I will not suddenly disappear after making plans with them - because I would consider that kind of behavior very low - from myself.

 

Anyway we all have different expectations - I suppose and maybe that is what causes the trouble.

 

I didn't think anybody started name calling because one person didn't want to date the other - I thought we were talking about being blanked for no apparent reason?! No?

Edited September 24, 2015 by siriusp

[Maggie4]

I am so so smitten with someone right now. I hope it builds into something. We have a really good connection. But some roadblocks too (distance is the hurdle).

 

At this point, although signs seem like he is interested. We actually haven't spent very much one on one time together. It is chemistry shaped by lots of short interactions. And I have interacted with him in multiple scenarios to see if he is treating me special or this is his normal.

 

For now I hope he can have a meaningful spot in my life and I hope he feels the same way!

 

I am too, and it doesn't happen often. Hope it works out for ya :-)

[Toodaloo]

I am so so smitten with someone right now. I hope it builds into something. We have a really good connection. But some roadblocks too (distance is the hurdle).

 

At this point, although signs seem like he is interested. We actually haven't spent very much one on one time together. It is chemistry shaped by lots of short interactions. And I have interacted with him in multiple scenarios to see if he is treating me special or this is his normal.

 

For now I hope he can have a meaningful spot in my life and I hope he feels the same way!

 

Fingers crossed for you.

[Lois_Griffin]

I was with a lunatic like this for a just over a year. I thought maybe he had Borderline Personality disorder because he was over the moon in love with me and wanted to be with me for life - or I was some kind of garbage stuck to the bottom of his shoe and he wanted nothing to do with me.

 

There was NO in between. Kind of that Borderline Personality thing with, "I hate you - don't leave me!" Ugh.

 

The first few times it happened were pretty harrowing - I couldn't figure out why he'd suddenly gone so cold and distant. Then a few days later, he was back to professing his love again.. until the cycle repeated itself again.

 

In the beginning, the 'good' cycles would last for a month or two. As time progressed, the good days only lasted a couple of days before we'd hit the 'bad' ones..again.

 

It got to the point where each day I'd wake up and just wait to see what lunatic behavior awaited me. I got to thinking he must wake up each morning and spin the wheel to see how we're going to treat the girlfriend today.

 

Of course, I just couldn't take that rollercoaster anymore and dumped his ass. For the next couple of years he'd reach out occasionally, STILL professing his undying love for me. I'd actually laugh at him. Lunatic.

[Popsicle]

I was with a lunatic like this for a just over a year. I thought maybe he had Borderline Personality disorder because he was over the moon in love with me and wanted to be with me for life - or I was some kind of garbage stuck to the bottom of his shoe and he wanted nothing to do with me.

 

There was NO in between. Kind of that Borderline Personality thing with, "I hate you - don't leave me!" Ugh.

 

The first few times it happened were pretty harrowing - I couldn't figure out why he'd suddenly gone so cold and distant. Then a few days later, he was back to professing his love again.. until the cycle repeated itself again.

 

In the beginning, the 'good' cycles would last for a month or two. As time progressed, the good days only lasted a couple of days before we'd hit the 'bad' ones..again.

 

It got to the point where each day I'd wake up and just wait to see what lunatic behavior awaited me. I got to thinking he must wake up each morning and spin the wheel to see how we're going to treat the girlfriend today.

 

Of course, I just couldn't take that rollercoaster anymore and dumped his ass. For the next couple of years he'd reach out occasionally, STILL professing his undying love for me. I'd actually laugh at him. Lunatic.

Maybe he was just just trying to protect himself. Maybe he was just looking out for himself.

[Popsicle]

Sorry to hear. No contact in 4 days does seem like thats that.

 

How much time were you sending together?

 

I dunno, for me, im really wary of spending a ton of time together initially. Relationships are like delicate flowers. With the best of intentions, too much time together too soon is a recipe for a quick burn and fade.

 

That's not true. If they burn and fade it was not because yiu spent too much time together too quickly. It's because you're just not compatible or willing enough to turn it into a LTR.

[myothernic2]

Actually - maybe I didn't read your original posts correctly. I thought he left you hanging? I thought he didn't bother letting you know where you stood?

 

As I said before - although my situation is a bit different - when I got rejected I refused to see anything wrong with him. I accepted that it wasn't meant to be and was happy that I met such a lovely person. However, after I had made my peace - he came on strong and then disappeared.

 

He maybe a great person but he certainly did not treat me well. I consider it cowardly behavior and not good enough for me.

 

I am not a bitter person. I think there is nothing wrong with expecting to be treated with respect. If I share something with someone - I will not suddenly disappear after making plans with them - because I would consider that kind of behavior very low - from myself.

 

Anyway we all have different expectations - I suppose and maybe that is what causes the trouble.

 

I didn't think anybody started name calling because one person didn't want to date the other - I thought we were talking about being blanked for no apparent reason?! No?

 

Exactly. Expecting to be treated with respect and moving on if that doesn't happen is not being bitter. But, people have different expectations *shrug*.

[Gaeta]

That's not true. If they burn and fade it was not because yiu spent too much time together too quickly. It's because you're just not compatible or willing enough to turn it into a LTR.

 

I think love is like anything else in life.

 

I LOVE chocolate and I could have it all the time BUT I know if I have too much of it at some point I will have an indigestion and I won't like it so much anymore.

 

My first dating experience about 4 years ago was with a man living 2 km from me. It was firework at the moment we met. We spent every possible moment together, and it was a lot considering we were almost neighbor, and when we were not together we talked for hours on the phone.

 

After 2 weeks he says he has something to tell me. He said: it's all gone.

 

I asked what is all gone?? and he replied: The butterflies are all gone, I don't know why it's just all gone.

 

We women bond with spending a lot of time with someone, sharing our thoughts, nurturing etc. Spending a lot of time with a man will, most of the time, make us feel deeper for him.

 

I don't think men work the same way. I think a man needs to crave a woman. He has to have a little bit of her than he needs to crave her before he gets some more. If not, he'll wake up one morning with an indigestion of her.

Edited September 25, 2015 by Gaeta