scooby-philly Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Hey folks, Getting back into the dating scene - slowly - but confidently. Renewed my membership to a paid OLD site. I'm interested in hearing from as many women as possible. Little about me for context - 34, SWM, never married, want kids, good career, outgoing personality, but I'm actually an introvert. Very good around the house - very family oriented. Hobbies, but I also manage money well. 5.5-6 on the looks scale. IMHO Anyway, I've gotten 4 numbers so far in about 5-6 weeks of using the site. #1 - We talked on the phone but it didn't click and she was always busy when i called. After the last time she said she couldn't I just chalked it up #2 - Got the number after 1-2 weeks of chatting - she never responded to the texts or emails I sent after getting her number. I always text before the first time I call if this is a "good time to talk". #3 - She was very slow in responding to emails. Went 2 weeks and she didn't write. I was about to drop it when she finally emailed. In my response I was honest and said I'd usually ignore a message since she couldn't even drop a 5 second note. She said her dad was sick and she went home to visit. Okay - that's a reason (still could have emailed..but i get it) we chatted more, I got her number, then that first text message....she responds her dad passed away - we've texted twice. I'm going to text her this weekend - she wants to get together next week for drinks/coffee. May go somewhere - not sure.... #4 - Same deal as #2 thus far - just got her number on Monday. Told her I call her last night or tonight. Texted last night around 7 - she was getting dinner, I said I had softball at 8, could I call her after - she said yes - texted and then even called - no response. It's 930am and no response yet. Going to send her an email just to say sorry I missed her Ladies - I know interest can wax/wane via OLD - but am I missing something here or is it's just luck of the draw, hang in there type stuff?
PogoStick Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 You could really make a push on girl 3. "That's so sad about your father! Can I take you out to dinner and help get your mind off things?" Give her a big hug right when you meet if she appears accepting of it. Could just be some bad luck. In general OLD should go like this: 1. a few brief messages, just 2 or 3 to show interest. 2. on the 3rd message say "I'd like to meet you for a drink. Can I call you to set it up? My number is xxx. What's yours?" I always offer my number first, even though I'm still always the one who will be calling her. Just seems to work that way. Sometimes the woman texts me direct and that's how I end up with the number. 3. When she sends her number, text her to acknowledge "Hey it's John. When is a good time to call? ...or I have softball tonight, can I call you at 8:30 when it's done?" (you better have exchanged names in those 3 emails. Get a SPECIFIC time and follow through. 4. Call, have 2 or 3 places in mind. I always ask a woman what side of town she lives and try to pick something convenient for her. Make this process quick and efficient. Call within 24 hours if at all possible. Don't wait several days to call her the 1st time. Don't bother with a girl who won't give her number. 2
abby2 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 What type of women are you going after? If they are always busy, most lightly you are not their priority.
PegNosePete Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 I would say you're moving too slowly. 2 weeks of chatting/messaging before suggesting a meet? No..... The way I did it was to send out messages on sunday, get response monday, send a couple of messages back and forth and get phone number. Wednesday call up and set up a meeting at the weekend. The day before the meeting text to say I'm looking forward to meeting her (as a reminder, and nudge that if she can't make it she needs to tell me). So in less than 1 week, gone from first message to RL meeting. Normally I'd send around 10-15 messages, get 2-3 responses, which leads to 1 or sometimes 2 meetings. Any sign of flaking or disinterest, move on. Your 1, 2 and 3, I would've moved on from long ago. 4, I would wait for her to contact you now - you called her, the ball is in her court. Move too slowly and you're very much risking that some other guy will get in there first.
Jejangles Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 I think it's just a numbers game (I'm basically your female equivalent, 34, good job, etc etc.) I start talking to guys and even get to the point of exchanging numbers but then it never goes anywhere. Some will just fade away, you need to have more in the pipeline to keep moving forward. One thing stood out to me on girl 3 - you said you let her know you normally wouldn't reply in that situation. Why did you feel the need to say that? If I received that message, I'd be very put off. She doesn't owe you a message within a certain amount of time, you haven't even met yet! If someone takes time to get back to you, either don't respond because that's your policy or respond nicely without mentioning the delay and then ask them out immediately. Remember, people have lives outside the dating site and they owe you nothing during that early messaging period. Beyond that, I agree with the online dating outline PogoStick shared. Get the number quickly, set up a phone chat or date quickly and move from there. Until you meet, you're just text on a screen and a low priority.
Author scooby-philly Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 @Pogo Stick 1. I agree - it could just be a timing thing. 2. i always ask for a number within a week, two at most, of emails. With #4 on my list, I just went out and asked after a week - same thing with #3 after she reconnected 3. I always try to keep the phone thing to a week or two. With phone and text I've learned you can't always pick up on her level of interest or compatibility until you meet & interact. 4. You're right - when I do get the number I need to have them suggest a good time to call to hold them accountable. 5. I don't wait more than 48 hours to call 6. With #3, I'm going to text her tomorrow and see if we can either text or talk. If we text I want to talk on the weekend, and then set up dinner/coffee for next week. The funeral for her dad was monday so that should be enough time and you're right - nice message about getting her mind off it... @abby 2 I'm not going after "models" or "hot" women. I am not attracted to the careerism, beauty pageant, or shallow type. All 4 have been what I consider attractive and have gone through my OLD profile screen process - I have specific standards I look for when using the site @PegNosePete - I disagree - 2 weeks with a busy schedule is okay. My roadmap is 1 week of chatting online - get number or move on, 1 week call/text then move to 1st date. Again with #3 I just hit really bad timing - but she seemed absolutely interested in going out. She's the one who suggested getting together - I'm away Friday/Saturday, but I may be even proposing going out Sunday if she's free. If not, next week is okay. I agree with you on moving on after signs of flaking. Last time I was on the dating scene with 3 months with someone - we had great chemistry I thought, and the sex was good - could have become great....but she flaked at 3 months. Early on...I'm super aware of people who aren't looking for serious, can't handle it, etc. Though I did end up in a bad relationship for a year that I ended 3 months ago with a attention seeking, debt-ridden piece of trash. @Jejangles I agree - I apologized for saying that about the delayed response. I broke my rule because her emails were thoughtful, deep, and seemed interested in me. Yeah, normally after 2 weeks of NC I just ignore, but I wanted to give her a chance....though the emailing was slow before that too. I'm going to text her tomorrow to see if she wants to talk - heck I might do it now...or to talk this weekend/possibly go out.
Author scooby-philly Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 I used our thread earlier to email #3. though it was only 2 days since the funeral, I texted her to see if she's be open to talking tonight or tomorrow, and actually asked if she was free sunday. She's not - but she'll talk tonight, I'll set something up for next week, then when I told her I was good except for nursing a swollen ankle from a run this weekend, we had some witty banter back and forth with her making me smile. No response yet from #4 - I guess I owe her a call tonight since I said I would, but if she doesn't answer - yes, the ball is in her court. 1
Author scooby-philly Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 So - had a great conversation with #3 last night - despite the fact she's obviously still a little raw from her father's passing. We set a date for next week and I'll call her on the weekend. Playing this one a bit slow - yes, I know - but I've fallen too fast in the past for the wrong fit and I'm also aware that she may need some time. However, there will be a point where she'll definitely need to take initiative and I'll be on super alert for her interest level in me. And....didn't get a chance to call#4 last night, but she has yet to react to my call/text/email either. Ugh - dating.
PegNosePete Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Dude I would not go near someone who is in mourning with intentions of dating. What she needs is support of friends and family. Approaching romantically during this time will not end well. 1
Author scooby-philly Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 I don't necessarily agree or disagree. Nothing works out the way we planned. We'll see what happens. I'm not rushing into anything. If we click, great. If we don't, if she doesn't seem ready, if she isn't into me, I'll be off the ship and back into the waters in no time flat.
Karimikui Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Describing yourself as a 5.5 is causing this
Author scooby-philly Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 LOL. I meant that as a description on this thread. I don't consider myself ugly and I never would describe myself that way on an OLD site.
empresario Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 I've found asking for a number after the 2-3 message always works. Then if you don't secure a date within that first 24 hours you're old news. Despite what may seem intuitive, OLD only works if you move fast.
Karimikui Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Is OLD always this much effort for men? My experiences as a woman are that if I put up a few pics and a fairly half hearted "about me" thingie I get loads of responses, many of them from very dateable men and countless invitations to meet up.
empresario Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Is OLD always this much effort for men? My experiences as a woman are that if I put up a few pics and a fairly half hearted "about me" thingie I get loads of responses, many of them from very dateable men and countless invitations to meet up. Well yeah, that's obvious. OLD is a numbers game for men (about 90% male). True story: I have never gotten a message from a girl. They have never pursued me. Yet nearly every girl I've pursued has responded. Why? Because of what you said. The second you turn that sucker on you are so busy filtering out the 'heys', 'ur hots', and 'wow gorgeous eyes' that you don't have time to search for men. You innately have options.
Vintage79 Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 You're dragging things out, not asking them out, and probably a bit low on the self confidence scale given that you view introversion as a negative and describe yourself as mediocre looking. Last time I tried OLD, I had about 2 new first dates every week (including week 1) for about 2 months (when I shut the profile down)...I even had to turn some women down. Basically this isn't likely a numbers issue, this is the OP being too passive, dragging things out, etc. usually if you can get them to write 2 messages they'll say yes to drinks...no need for a call prior to asking them out. Maybe a 5 minute call just prior to the date to confirm, but not necessary...most OLD first dates I hadn't talked to until I met them and they went fine... 1
Author scooby-philly Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 I'm not describing introversion as a bad thing. I was simply trying to state what I was like. I have great esteem for introverts, myself included. I meet too many people who never shut up, never slow down, never learn from anything because they constantly need people. I was trying to also describe myself as average - not from any current self-esteem issues (I'm 10x better now than I was 5, 10 years ago) I was simply painting a picture that I'm shooting for the right type of women. I agree - OLD for men is tough - you need to be on your game, send interesting emails, and it's a numbers game for sure. In 4-5 weeks I've gotten 4 numbers and that's good cause I know what I am looking for and am selective. I agree - you have to move quick, but I'm moving quick with people I think I will click with. I'm sure if I put more effort into it than i am already or came up with a more generic profile I'd be on a date twice a week if I wanted to. As I said, I'm still using the site and still living my life, open to meeting women in the natural world...lol
Author scooby-philly Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 Also, Keep in mind that everyone is different. I have hobbies & interests, and a good career, so I'm not trying to go on 2,3,4 dates a week. I'm not a serial dater or just looking for a lay. And yes, I've had 7 women, I'm not gay, and I enjoy sex. That said, I think i'm doing okay. Was just surprised by the 4 no or slow responses right off the bat. But again, it's a numbers game till the right one shows up.
PegNosePete Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 OLD is a numbers game for men (about 90% male). This is an oft-repeated, and totally false, myth, that is spread parrot fashion by forum posters who simply read it on another forum post, and believe it. Don't believe what you read on forums. The ratio is actually very much more even. Of course it varies by location, and age. In the younger demographic the M-F ratio in many areas is higher, but it's nowhere near the 10-1 you suggest. It's more like 2-1 at worst. And in the older age range (40+), women begin to outnumber men. You can see this for yourself: go to POF, log out (if you're logged in) and search in your local area for the total number of men and women in a certain age range.
Author scooby-philly Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 This is an oft-repeated, and totally false, myth, that is spread parrot fashion by forum posters who simply read it on another forum post, and believe it. Don't believe what you read on forums. The ratio is actually very much more even. Of course it varies by location, and age. In the younger demographic the M-F ratio in many areas is higher, but it's nowhere near the 10-1 you suggest. It's more like 2-1 at worst. And in the older age range (40+), women begin to outnumber men. You can see this for yourself: go to POF, log out (if you're logged in) and search in your local area for the total number of men and women in a certain age range. Yes, I agree. It does start to reverse with age. However, since I'm looking for women 27-34 the younger side of that demographic still gets plenty of emails from guys. I get a lot of views from women 38-44, but I'm not looking for someone that old unless it appears to be a very, very good match
Maggie4 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I widh I could play a little match making here, but probably against website rules. A lot of women 27-34 looking for a good man. In my own limited experience with OLD, and maybe tiles have changes since back when we used dial up on a phone cord... - if email exchange is dragged on, we probably won't talk. - if talked on the phone, we probably won't meet. Don't ask me why. The times when I met a guy, were always spontaneous, in his first email he would say meet me this afternoon or tomorrow (day time, public place). There was one time I said I am traveling tomorrow, he says I drive you to the airport, and that's how we met. Another time I said I'm going to the beach now, he says I meet you there. All of the other ones where we wrote letter back and forth, have all fizzled before we ever met. I think the way I was doing OLD was almost like meeting in real life, you see the person right away.
Author scooby-philly Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 Thanks for getting us back on topic! Yes - my max is 1 week email, 1 week phone/text. 1 week from setup to first date, so at max it's 3 weeks from initial contact to first date. More, go 1-2 weeks. I do want to get to know them a little #1 Gave me her number after 3-4 days of email, moved into phone, she was never free as I said and the convo wasn't great so #2 - Gave me her number after i asked about 3-4 days after email. She never responded to email or texts after that #3 - As I said - First date next week. #4 - I sent her a note this morning - she never responded to my text or to my email after I tried calling her. I figured she wasn't interested, so I sent a note this morning saying sorry I didn't call again but I did text/email which she never responded to - but she wrote back saying she never got text and was assuming I was going to call...WTF!!!!!!
Maggie4 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 This isn't working for you and it's frustrating. If it continues this way, you might try my method You said you want to get to know them first. Are you concerned for your safety? If you meet in a public place, it should be ok I think. #3 - good, you've a date. But I thought it a bit strange for someone to be online dating right when her father just passed away. Does she still laugh? I can't imagine... #1,2,4. I think are all gone. Look for more online.
Author scooby-philly Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 actually just got a response from #4 - i guess our texts weren't getting to each other. Will call her tonight And yes, I normally don't let it linger. I was frustrated, but I think I part of that is the adjustment back into the dating pool and dealing with all of it's abnormalities.
empresario Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 This is an oft-repeated, and totally false, myth, that is spread parrot fashion by forum posters who simply read it on another forum post, and believe it. Don't believe what you read on forums. The ratio is actually very much more even. Of course it varies by location, and age. In the younger demographic the M-F ratio in many areas is higher, but it's nowhere near the 10-1 you suggest. It's more like 2-1 at worst. And in the older age range (40+), women begin to outnumber men. You can see this for yourself: go to POF, log out (if you're logged in) and search in your local area for the total number of men and women in a certain age range. Then maybe the UK is different. Because in my area I can go to the woman filter and see 2 pages of people online in the past couple hours. If I go to the men's one it's more like 10-20 pages. More men are active on dating sites here. There is no disputing that. And it's not a marginal difference...it's significant.
Recommended Posts