Art_Critic Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Paranoid - they have a basis of established trust in the relationship, and now they have the basis for a trust break.. every person male or female that has been cheated on and found evidence before hand and put it aside had the trust at one point and then they find out later they were cheating... I do agree it is a trust issue and only 4 months in seems like a tough one to me.. I believe the OP but know that most people put in the scenario would feel the "fool me once, shame on me" scenario. I wouldn't dump her.. I would discuss it and get that feeling of trust back.. As far as paranoia.. that is seeing things that aren't there.. well... it is the same exact scenario as if she was cheating so he isn't seeing things that aren't there.. they just have a different explanation than cheating.
oldshirt Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 There are very few things in the world harder to prove than that you haven't had sex with someone. And frankly, finding a condom in the trash is pretty damming evidence. Let's turn this around and say that the guy wrote in here and said he saw a condom in his GF' s trash in the bathroom and it wasn't his. And then he says when he asked her about it, she said she used it on toys. What would we advise him?????? I'd tell him that 99.9999% of the time condoms are used for sex and not for masturbating so is there ANY other piece of evidence that corroborates her story of using them on toys?? And is there any other evidence that supports her screwing other dudes? So let's look at this like a lawyer preparing a client for trial. Have you ever mentioned using condoms before? Has he ever witnessed you using condoms with toys or have any reason to think you may be telling the truth? Conversely is there any evidence that you've been seeing someone else? Was the condom "used?" Any "leftovers" on the inside of it? Any guys hanging around when he is there? Any phone calls or texts? Has the toilet seat ever been up? Any size 14 socks under the bed? Would you be willing to open up your email accounts and Facebook and phone statements to him so he could see for himself if you've had any contact with other dudes? It will ultimately come down to will he think the evidence is weighted towards your toy story and would he be willing to bet that this situation is the 0.00001% of the time that a condom was used for toys and not for actual penises. Your going to have to show that the evidence of toys outweighs the evidence of sex. He may or may not believe it and there may come a point where you don't care enough to keep trying to prove otherwise. 3
oldshirt Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 When all else fails, if he is going to accuse you of cheating, he has the burden of proof. But this isn't a criminal trial. We tell people here all the time that they don't need to prove that their partner is cheating to the partner. They only need to realize it themselves. It will come down to what he wants to believe. 1
Diezel Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Diezel, this is a silly argument. It's not even an argument, and it's own silly to you. There IS a difference between seeing something and investigating something. You don't seem to understand this and are already painting a picture and issuing a verdict without knowing all of the facts. If I see something on your kitchen counter versus purposefully looking for something to find on your kitchen counter, it's two completely different scenarios. Same goes here. Apparently you just think every bathroom trash can has a lid and that AUTOMATICALLY means this guy is looking for stuff. Maybe he did, but also, he might not have. And unless you have that information 100% verified by the OP, you can't go saying that the guy is paranoid and weird. There isn't 100% context to this situation, therefore, keep your judgments to a minimum. 1
katiegrl Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 It's not even an argument, and it's own silly to you. There IS a difference between seeing something and investigating something. You don't seem to understand this and are already painting a picture and issuing a verdict without knowing all of the facts. If I see something on your kitchen counter versus purposefully looking for something to find on your kitchen counter, it's two completely different scenarios. Same goes here. Apparently you just think every bathroom trash can has a lid and that AUTOMATICALLY means this guy is looking for stuff. Maybe he did, but also, he might not have. And unless you have that information 100% verified by the OP, you can't go saying that the guy is paranoid and weird. There isn't 100% context to this situation, therefore, keep your judgments to a minimum. Well... you sure put me in my place, didn't ya. LOL! Bottom line.... I had an opinion. You didn't agree. Fine. Can we move on now please? Thank you!! 1
Maggie4 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 oldshirt said "toy story", ha ha... I do like how the bf handled it. He asked for an explanation, then he decided to take time to think. It is wise, to not act on impulse. He is the one who saw the condom, but he did not write her off. He is trying to process it. That's fair. So I don't think the OP should get rid of him, just because he didn't immediately trust without question.
smackie9 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 oldshirt said "toy story", ha ha... I do like how the bf handled it. He asked for an explanation, then he decided to take time to think. It is wise, to not act on impulse. He is the one who saw the condom, but he did not write her off. He is trying to process it. That's fair. So I don't think the OP should get rid of him, just because he didn't immediately trust without question. I disagree. First off they are not BF/GF. Second, they are not "officially in a relationship" even tho they have been seeing each other for 4 months. Third, at 4 months, he is still asking her to take things slow. This guy has already proven he has trust issues. How much more time does this guy need? Will it be another 4 months after this incident? Oh ya that's right he has to "think about it", and might just bail anyways. IMO she's been patient enough for this guy, and who knows how much longer she has to coddle him. And what else is he going to accuse her of? She is wasting her time, and she deserves better. 1
Maggie4 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 I disagree. First off they are not BF/GF. Second, they are not "officially in a relationship" even tho they have been seeing each other for 4 months. Third, at 4 months, he is still asking her to take things slow. This guy has already proven he has trust issues. How much more time does this guy need? Will it be another 4 months after this incident? Oh ya that's right he has to "think about it", and might just bail anyways. IMO she's been patient enough for this guy, and who knows how much longer she has to coddle him. And what else is he going to accuse her of? She is wasting her time, and she deserves better. Oh ok, I thought they were in a relationship, and I didn't get that this was an ongoing problem. Yeah you're probably right. I tend to not see problems :-)
OMC Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Nevermind... not worth the effort and the nonsense replies that will follow.
oldshirt Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 oldshirt said "toy story", ha ha... I do like how the bf handled it. He asked for an explanation, then he decided to take time to think. It is wise, to not act on impulse. He is the one who saw the condom, but he did not write her off. He is trying to process it. That's fair. So I don't think the OP should get rid of him, just because he didn't immediately trust without question. He has a perfectly valid reason to think she's doing somebody else. When you hear, "clippity clop, clippity clop" coming down the street, you think horses, not zebras. Finding a condom in the trash people are going to automatically think it's from sex and live the hoof beats, they are going to think horses. Telling them it's actually for toys is asking them to believe in unicorns and that a unicorn left the condom in the trash. He didn't call her a slu+ or insult her or mistreat her in anyway - he just wasn't sure of her explanation and needed more time to weigh the evidence and make a decision, so yes I agree his actions were reasonable and fair.
empresario Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 I haven't read through the responses, but, elaborate explanations often times make you seem more guilty (even if it's the truth). I'm sure that's what he sees as the issue. The simple way around it? Very direct truth. "If I'm bleeding I use a condom so I don't muck up my toys. If you don't believe me go feel the inside of the condom." Boom. Done. And spoiler alert, he won't actually go feel the condom. You challenging him on seeing the truth will be more than enough proof.
oldshirt Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 4 months of regular interaction and weekly get togethers while making future plans of continuing to see each other is a relationship regardless if it has been officially declared as such or not. And nothing prior to this has indicated that he has a "problem" or has trust issues. He said he wanted to go 'slow', well you have to take that with a grain of salt because every female that draws a breath says she wants to go slow and 99.9999% of the men that date them agree to go slow. "Going slow" has no defined borders or boundaries. It's a nebulous statement that has no practical purpose other than making people feel better when they say it. Regardless of what his Trust Quotient (TQ) was before he found the condom, I am sure he is rightfully on higher alert now. That is not a foul on his part. Only a complete fool and imbecile would immediately buy off on the toy story without being a little skeptical and weighing other evidence. He has doubts of her story. That is reasonable as that is an outlier scenario. He hasn't mistreated her or done anything to her. Just unsure of her story. He's not the bad guy here.
jen1447 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 And what else is he going to accuse her of? Probably an open docket. Once you go down that road, pretty much anything can become "a likely story!!"
Diezel Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 I'm sorry but anyone who says that after 4 months of seeing someone and having intercourse with them... if you don't question why there's a condom in the trash can, there's something wrong with you. There's quite the apologists here for the women's side. But I'm sure if any of those same women went to a guy's place and just found a condom and he said, "Well, it's easier to clean up after masturbating." all of these bells and whistles would be chiming and there'd be shaming galore. Some of you and your double standards are AMAZING.
SawtoothMars Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Probably an open docket. Once you go down that road, pretty much anything can become "a likely story!!" "I masturbate with condoms" is about as common as "I masturbate with my Poodle" to my opinion. I would accept this scenario if the sex toy was shared among multiple people.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Personally, this happened to me a few times, and with that same excuse, Except, there's no blood anywhere to be found on the condom leftover during its use, Haphazardly wrapped in some toilet paper, or left out on top of the trash, One could see it, hear the excuse, see no blood, then exit with class.
Strahatmak Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 This is quite an "unfortunate" incident OP There's nothing you can do, really. Think of it this way, you two are not official and I suppose it isn't exclusive as well. Why bother. You are totally having your right to see anyone. And why would you still let him sleep with you when he doesn't want to commit? Sorry for being feminism, but whenever I hear from a date who wants to take things slow, I wouldn't even let him touch me.
h0000 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 LOL some of the replies here are bull. So the bf is the one with the paranoia and trust issues lol ,really? If this thread was a girl saying "found a condom but bf says he used it when jerking off. I need some time to think then he accused me of not trusting him" 100 bucks bet you would say " he is cheating and now shifting the blame"
thunder777 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 phht give the guy some merit theres a used dinger in the bathroom and its not his he will be traumatized for life by what he has seen, no matter what the truth is imagine the uproar if a girl found a used dinger in his place omg
Giggle Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 That does seem odd. You're gonna have to clean it either way.. The only time I have used a condom with a toy was with this one rubber one that I had a reaction to. I thought maybe a condom would keep me from reacting to the toy. Nope. They are made to be cleaned though. When are you not gonna have discharge?? That seems like way more trouble than it's worth. I wouldn't believe it. I did have a similar silly story from my ex. Used condom in his pocket. Stiff whitish spot the front of his underwear... His reason was in his drunk stupidity, got a condom from the condom dispenser in the bathroom and was messing around. Oh and the underwear spot was hand soap
joseb Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Paranoid - they have a basis of established trust in the relationship, she has an entirely plausible explanation for the presence of the condom. Trust combined with plausibility resulting in suspicion is paranoia - an irrational distrust. Except that to any guy I know this is totally not plausible. But I am learning something from this thread, and if this situation ever happens to me (god forbid!) I might be a little more likely to believe what initially sounds like am almost laughable excuse.
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