blue_jay_bird Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 We have been dating for three months. I'm worried he's not the one. He's a great guy, great boyfriend, sweet guy. We have a lot in common. We match each other in bed. What's wrong with me? I mean their is nothing wrong with him. I know this is my problem. I just wish I felt more connected with him when we talk. Sometimes I feel like we are talking at each other. But really isn't that all in my head. Isn't everything. Can't I just keep telling myself I'm crazy and love will come. Isn't this supposes to be natural. At my weakest I tell myself I'm a unloving monster that is hurting someone. But if I stay maybe I'll fall in love?
Buddhist Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 What exactly do you mean by falling in love? Are you waiting for the hormonal rush to kick in? The butterflies or feelings of wanting to shag him every minute. Because sorry to say, that's sex hormones not love. Love when I experience it, is a very stable kind of commitment to the other person, their wellbeing and a shared life. It's not giddy or rose coloured or very hormonal at all. By the sounds of things you are having trouble with the second option here because you honestly believe that you're not really getting each other communication wise. That's fine. It happens I had a relationship like that and found it very unsatisfying, so I left it.
casey.lives Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 you don't feel love at three months. Obstacles and overcoming them together, through love and respect and sacrifice, gives birth to love. Attraction requires some friction and some mystery.. are you too nice or too familiar???
Zippy2000 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 What's wrong with me? I mean their is nothing wrong with him. I know this is my problem. I just wish I felt more connected with him when we talk. Sometimes I feel like we are talking at each other. There is absolute nothing wrong with you. Your feeling a difference becuase your maybe not enjoying your conversations with him. You feeling like you are talking to each other becuase you have different styles of communicating. Its a pity you think like this but learn how to communicate with him. Find out his style. I d hate to think you split and then find out years later you miss hm and want him back. Work on what your missing in your conversations and take it from there.
Maggie4 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 People don't experience love the same way, because their brains are not all wired the same way. You seem to be seeking something in particular, so you must have an idea what love should feel like for you. And it's not happening with this guy?
SawtoothMars Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 At my weakest I tell myself I'm a unloving monster that is hurting someone. But if I stay maybe I'll fall in love? Love is a choice, but you don't seem to fully comprehend that. Your waiting for something to happen. If you want to approach love as something passive that you just "fall" into... then you have already given up your ability to choose! In that case you are wasting your time and his time too.
LostOnes05 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 You've got to allow yourself to open to someone that is good to you. If he wants to do something nice for you, let him do it. Try to listen before speaking so that you aren't talking at each other. You have to build a lasting relationship, it doesn't just happen. Two people from different backgrounds interacting together are going to have some speed bumps. But if you run every time there is conflict, you'll continue running from people who mean you well. Have an honest conversation with him about what you want, and listen to what he wants. Then meet in the middle with compromise. Do you argue with him about little things he does and vice versa?
PogoStick Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 It's true, sometimes a connection takes time to grow. On the other side, there has to be that magic chemistry or it isn't going to work. After 3 months you should be figuring that out. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 We have been dating for three months. I'm worried he's not the one. But if I stay maybe I'll fall in love? It's been 90 days. At this point I wouldn't even be sure you have a date for New Years Eve nor would I be concerned about getting him a Christmas present yet you are going on about The One. Power down. Spend some time getting to know each other as people. Real, deep abiding love grows over time. I can honestly say I love my husband more today & feel closer to him then I did the day we married. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Love is BOTH a feeling and a choice. It's a noun and a verb. Love is a choice in so far as having loving, tender, affectionate feelings toward someone we care about but you can't MAKE anyone fall in love with you or you with them. There are so many couples who, on paper, have all the boxes checked off and who click well. It's just assumed then that the rest of the fairy tale will follow but in reality sometimes something feels amiss. Why? Because connection, true connection where deep intimacy blossoms, isn't there. You either have it or you don't. It's one of those intangible things that can't be explained or bought or forced. I am of the belief that we already have all the answers we need but the challenge is to stop and listen. Very few people bother doing that anymore and it's a real shame. Stop beating yourself up about this. We've all been here at one point in our lives. Have you discussed how you feel with your boyfriend? 3
MissBee Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 (edited) We have been dating for three months. I'm worried he's not the one. He's a great guy, great boyfriend, sweet guy. We have a lot in common. We match each other in bed. What's wrong with me? I mean their is nothing wrong with him. I know this is my problem. I just wish I felt more connected with him when we talk. Sometimes I feel like we are talking at each other. But really isn't that all in my head. Isn't everything. Can't I just keep telling myself I'm crazy and love will come. Isn't this supposes to be natural. At my weakest I tell myself I'm a unloving monster that is hurting someone. But if I stay maybe I'll fall in love? Someone may be a perfectly fine person but not the person for you. Nothing is wrong with this. The phrase "Love is a choice not a feeling" is more so about the fact that feelings of love alone don't sustain a relationship but rather, you also have to put in work, choose particular actions, choose to be faithful and make other choices to keep it going and it's not a self-propelling ship. It doesn't IMO mean that you should force yourself to love someone or force yourself to be with them. I had sort of a similar issue with my ex-boyfriend who for all intents and purposes was a great guy, but we could NOT communicate effectively, he was very dull intellectually and like you said, I felt like we were talking at each other, sometimes I felt like I was just talking to a robot who had a finite amount of responses he could generate. I was deeply dissatisfied with this but kept trying to talk myself into it because of his other good qualities....ultimately though things ended and I've not looked back. Communicating and talking are CENTRAL to any relationship, esp for me, the guy could walk on water, but if that area isn't connecting, it won't make sense for me in the long run. I was with the ex for 6 months and never felt in love at any point along the way and just knew those feelings would never develop. I could choose to be with him and go through the motions but I would have never truly felt in love. You need BOTH. The in love feelings are normal and help you to want to bond and work on things and develop emotional intimacy with each other, then you also have to put in work. I don't believe that if there is zero emotional intimacy and no feelings of love you should carry on and hope by a miracle that you will wake up and feel that way. So you have to go back to your true feelings and figure out what you NEED from a relationship to be satisfied and decide if he can provide that and if it's worth it. No person is perfect but you want to give yourself the BEST chance of success and that IMO starts with choosing someone who fundamentally makes you feel good and loved and who makes you grow....and if that's not happening, it doesn't make sense. Edited September 23, 2015 by MissBee 2
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