sabrinaLo Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 I am not sure this is the right place to write but I need a good advice on my current situation. Here is my story: I am 30 and I am in a relationship with my boyfriend since 3 years and a half. When me and my boyfriend got together it was the most beautiful thing that had ever happened to me. I could also say that it was my real first love (strange huh?) and the happiest days in my life. We moved together after 6 months and things went really well. Things have changed a lot during the last year though. My boyfriend is currently looking for a new job and I think that has made him highly pessimistic about life. He only talks about the sad things in life, society, and the entire world. I have tried to support him to become more optimistic and enjoy life but sometimes his pessimism drowns me down as well . He also has no friends in the city where we currently live. He moved here for me and has kept working from remote since 3 years or so. Therefore, he doesn't meet many people and to me it feels like he has closed his life in a small circle. I've really tried to help by suggesting him to either go and do activities other than work or find a job in the current city to make new contacts but I haven't been very successful in convincing him. He has promised me since 2 years or so that he will do so but still keeps renewing his remote job. I have nothing against it, but I see it everyday that he is not happy and a lot stressed and moody because of this. I understand he is afraid and not very self-confident (although I strongly believe he is very capable in what he does) but I don't know how to explain him that this thing is ruining our relationship. Sometimes, I get into a cheerful mood and try to make him happy but it doesn’t really work, or it works for half an hour and then he’s back to his worries. I miss being loved and it makes me extremely sad thinking that I love him so much but I can’t help him get out of his stress. I have actually told this to him very clearly but in these moments he gets angry at me and says that I do not support him. Nevertheless, I noticed that he is more reasonable when other people talk to him but as I said most of his friends do not live close by and also he is not very good at creating relationships with other people. I sometimes think he is pretty aggressive with people, argues too much, does not let the others speak and does not make the common compromises that people do in friendships. I am not sure whether he has always been like this or this is just because of the stress. On the other hand, recently I’ve become very good friends with a colleague of mine. He’s 3 years younger than me but we get along pretty well. I suspect this guy has a crush on me. I noticed this a long time ago (probably 2 years ago) but I didn’t give it much importance as I was not meeting this friend very often and I thought I am just misinterpreting his behaviour. Anyways, it happened that we have to work together on a few things now and we have spent more time together. The problem is that during this time I am afraid I got a crush on him too although I am not really sure. I try to get him out of my thoughts and I am pretty sure I still love my boyfriend but I sometimes feel like I am invisibly flirting with the other guy. I like his company, in certain days I look forward talking to him and I also find him attractive. He makes me feel happy, we appreciate each other’s friendship. Me and him have never talked about this though and nothing has ever happened. We’re both too mature to do anything stupid…but I am scared and angry. I’m scared because it feels like my relationship is slipping from my hands, and I am angry because I know that if my boyfriend would try just a little bit more to make me happy I wouldn’t have found myself in this situation. I don’t want to cheat on him and I will not, I love him too much for it. Don’t want to hurt my friend either, that’s why I constantly try to mention my boyfriend in front of him so that he doesn’t create illusions…but then I find myself thinking about him which scares me off. I don’t know what to do. Should I talk to my boyfriend about this? Should I talk to the other guy and explain him the situation? Should I tell him that we should probably stop meeting or talking for a while (although this is not completely possible as we work in the same place)? Please help me…I am getting desperate and feel lonely ...sorry for writing such a long piece of text
bettermistakes Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 It sounds like there are some real issues in your current relationship that you've tried to address with your boyfriend and you feel like nothing is changing. And now it's resulting in you being vulnerable to being attracted to a new man. It might be worth considering telling your boyfriend exactly that. I would think it would get his attention. I don't know how others here would advise you, but I was once cheated on and I remember thinking afterwards if he had just told me that things were bad enough that he was finding himself drawn to another woman, it would have made a real impact. I think you're certainly doing the right thing by wanting to address/resolve your current relationship before anything else - best of luck!
Diezel Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 You need to break up with Guy #1. If you've tried talking to him different times, I don't think the Nth time is going to make any difference. Telling him about the new guy might deliver a shock to his system, but I fear the relationship would either become one lacking trust or the boost you get from it will be short-lived. At this point, your boyfriend isn't going to change who he is, but that doesn't mean you need to go ahead and start engaging in an EA. Resolve your current issues and then see how you feel about Guy #2 after.
road Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 There is no need to tell crush anything. Be professional at work. There is need for you to decide to approach your BF with time to take a deuce or get off the throne, meaning fix our relationship or break up. When only when the option is that you have broken up with BF, meaning you have moved out and gone NC then is it time move onto your crush or who is the current favorite at that time.
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 You need to have a heart to heart with your BF. Tell him the issues that you have which are eroding the foundations of your relationship. Once you outline your concerns, ask him if he has any long term solutions to remedy the problem. See if he implements them. If he does, you may fall back in love with him once you stop feeling neglected. If he does nothing, think long & hard about whether you want to continue Meanwhile avoid temptation. Stay away from the crush. Keep it professional only. Do not be alone with him.
Author sabrinaLo Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 Thanks everyone for the advice and reading so far! This has been really helpful. I'll try to talk to my boyfriend again about our issues. I am hoping he finds a new job soon and maybe gets motivated and happy again. I'll need to find new talking strategies though as the ones I have tried this summer (short trips, time alone, vacations) didn't really work. I also hope he is going to make new connections and get himself out this anxiety. As for the other guy, I'll try to keep the distance without being too tragic about this. Fingers crossed...
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Try offering to help him with his job search. . . . write his resume; do searches & e-mail prospects etc.
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