Redhead14 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Quote in asterisk -- Red, is this not classic narcissistic behavior? His relationship with her was not about love, but conquering ... and when he failed to conquer her, suddenly she's the horrible one, which justifies him trashing her and turning on her ..... That and his verbally abusing her ... I am beginning to wonder now if everything he has told us about her is even true ...sounds like he may be projecting. In any event, he needs to focus on HIS issues, not hers... There isn't enough here about him and his history to make that particular determination. It is narcissistic-like, however, this kind of thinking/behavior is not a feature that is exclusive to narcissism. It is not this specific thinking/behavior that needs to be focused on, it is the flip-flopping in attitude toward her that, at the moment, is the relevant and obvious feature of this scenario. This could simply be about the process of grieving the loss. Stages of grief -- anger, denial, sadness, etc. and the cycling between those until the point of acceptance arrives or an indicator of an underlying condition in himself. I am suspect of the scenario because of the very significant deterioration of the intent of the original thread -- which was all about how her abuse history affects her and his concern for her to be able to have a good relationship for herself and to point her that way. Now it has become almost a vendetta or complete character assassination. A mental process of making her out to be such a bad person in his mind which would actually make it easier for him to move on from her. There was intense love for her and wanting to help and be there for her and within a few days, a complete reversal more or less. That is perhaps a "sign" of something else. 1
Author Guyouthere Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 Dude, you admitted to verbally attacking her while arguing..... because she behaved in ways that turned you off. Are you re-writing history now? Granted, you may have been justified in getting turned off ....but you don't verbally attack her, you LEAVE, walk out? Preferably forever. I verbally attacked her ONLY when I caught her hiding a guy and lying to me. I did not verbally attack her when we were in bed, or any other time. Just so you know. Her other "issue" we got into an argument about (which did not include ANY verbal attacks) was her feeling I didn't trust her loyalty or questioned her. I hope this now sets the record straight. Bottom line is, I attacked her ego.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 There isn't enough here about him and his history to make that particular determination. It is narcissistic-like, however, this kind of thinking/behavior is not a feature that is exclusive to narcissism. It is not this specific thinking/behavior that needs to be focused on, it is the flip-flopping in attitude toward her that, at the moment, is the relevant and obvious feature of this scenario. This could simply be about the process of grieving the loss. Stages of grief -- anger, denial, sadness, etc. and the cycling between those until the point of acceptance arrives or an indicator of an underlying condition in himself. I am suspect of the scenario because of the very significant deterioration of the intent of the original thread -- which was all about how her abuse history affects her and his concern for her to be able to have a good relationship for herself and to point her that way. Now it has become almost a vendetta or complete character assassination. A mental process of making her out to be such a bad person in his mind which would actually make it easier for him to move on from her. There was intense love for her and wanting to help and be there for her and within a few days, a complete reversal more or less. That is perhaps a "sign" of something else. Just trying to make sense of it all. It is not my goal to attack her. I am simply bringing all issues to the surface and trying to make sense of what I just experienced.
Redhead14 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I verbally attacked her ONLY when I caught her hiding a guy and lying to me. I did not verbally attack her when we were in bed, or any other time. Just so you know. Her other "issue" we got into an argument about (which did not include ANY verbal attacks) was her feeling I didn't trust her loyalty or questioned her. I hope this now sets the record straight. Bottom line is, I attacked her ego. Even emotionally healthy people will react to attacks on their ego. Having a big ego isn't a clear sign of narcissism. As I mentioned to you, the persona she presents may simply be a "false front". Why is it important to you to try to prove or demonstrate that she was a narcissist rather than simply accepting that she had issues that prevented the development of a healthy relationship with you? In the end, it just doesn't matter. The relationship is over and you both need to move on. 1
Author Guyouthere Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 Even emotionally healthy people will react to attacks on their ego. Having a big ego isn't a clear sign of narcissism. As I mentioned to you, the persona she presents may simply be a "false front". Why is it important to you to try to prove or demonstrate that she was a narcissist rather than simply accepting that she had issues that prevented the development of a healthy relationship with you? In the end, it just doesn't matter. The relationship is over and you both need to move on. I am accepting that, Im just still hurting over it all.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 The keeping the guy from me was the last straw and brought out memories of a cheating wife I had. So yes, I am sorry I said "f-You" to her, it was wrong, but I also know why I said it. It pushed her away more.
katiegrl Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Just trying to make sense of it all. It is not my goal to attack her. I am simply bringing all issues to the surface and trying to make sense of what I just experienced. That's fine, even good. Just be careful to not turn this attempt to make sense of it all ...into an obsession. Which is kinda where I see this heading. So be careful 'bout that ....
Author Guyouthere Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 RH, your opinion on this., I know she said that she was never held in her life, including her parents. I felt really sad about that, so I held her as much as I could.
Redhead14 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 RH, your opinion on this., I know she said that she was never held in her life, including her parents. I felt really sad about that, so I held her as much as I could. My opinion on this is that you loved her and wanted to be there for her. There isn't anything wrong with that. However, doing that for her when she was unable to be there for you reciprocally, just makes it a one-sided, co-dependent relationship. When one person attempts to hold onto a relationship that doesn't meet their own needs at least for the lion's share of those needs, indicates that the person holding on is simply disregarding "themselves" for some reason or another. A me saying this now here brings us full circle to one of, if not, the first response I gave you regarding co-dependent relationships.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 My opinion on this is that you loved her and wanted to be there for her. There isn't anything wrong with that. However, doing that for her when she was unable to be there for you reciprocally, just makes it a one-sided, co-dependent relationship. When one person attempts to hold onto a relationship that doesn't meet their own needs at least for the lion's share of those needs, indicates that the person holding on is simply disregarding "themselves" for some reason or another. A me saying this now here brings us full circle to one of, if not, the first response I gave you regarding co-dependent relationships. Overall I still feel hope she can heal on her end and perhaps we can still be together at some future point, but she would need to get over it all.
lil hoodlum Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Just trying to make sense of it all. It is not my goal to attack her. I am simply bringing all issues to the surface and trying to make sense of what I just experienced. What you experienced is the fall out from getting emotionally involved with a girl, yes a 24 year old girl. I've read some of your other threads and you've mentioned your mother is 90. I think that places you in the 50 something to 60 something years old range. What were you thinking? I know this isn't your first rodeo cowboy. For goodness sakes, she is a girl. You met her and she was in a bad relationship. You swooped in and "saved" her even though she lives some 4,000 miles away. Set her up for a good life. Proceeded to ask for her hand in marriage knowing her for like what 6 months? I'm sorry you are hurting. You took a huge gamble on this girl. It didn't work out. I hope for you a speedy recovery. 1
Author Guyouthere Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 What you experienced is the fall out from getting emotionally involved with a girl, yes a 24 year old girl. I've read some of your other threads and you've mentioned your mother is 90. I think that places you in the 50 something to 60 something years old range. What were you thinking? I know this isn't your first rodeo cowboy. For goodness sakes, she is a girl. You met her and she was in a bad relationship. You swooped in and "saved" her even though she lives some 4,000 miles away. Set her up for a good life. Proceeded to ask for her hand in marriage knowing her for like what 6 months? I'm sorry you are hurting. You took a huge gamble on this girl. It didn't work out. I hope for you a speedy recovery. I'm not even 50. I am older than her, yes, but lets not forget she appeared to be at my level, and to some degree, she is. Intelligence wise, she is for sure. Overall I do love the girl, just that she was going through a lot, and I don't want to accuse her of having a guy, but that possibility is there. Yes I do like younger women as long as they are mature. Maturity is what caught my interest, not the fact she is young.
redrock1 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 So sorry you're going through this, and that things turned out this way. It's hard to say what the future would've held for you both, but I know it doesn't make this hurt any less. As far as some of the other issues you've been sharing, I'd have to still wonder whether it might not hurt for you to speak with a therapist? Especially if you're still hoping to be in her life. At the least, it might help you work through the loss of this relationship. So, something to consider... Well she already blew me off, has another guy she is talking to (or whatever), and she lives in another country. She is going to counseling, that I know. Not sex specific counseling though, just "general". She still has my ring and all of the money I spent on here to take care of her basic needs. She has kept them so far, so don't know whats going through her head. Perhaps she feels she isn't finished with me, as much as she said she is. I guess time will tell.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 So sorry you're going through this, and that things turned out this way. It's hard to say what the future would've held for you both, but I know it doesn't make this hurt any less. As far as some of the other issues you've been sharing, I'd have to still wonder whether it might not hurt for you to speak with a therapist? Especially if you're still hoping to be in her life. At the least, it might help you work through the loss of this relationship. So, something to consider... Im waiting to see if she initiates contact, and or returns items she has (which she said she would). If she doesn't, then I know I didn't have anyone good here. I'm just sitting on it right now.
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