Normal relationship after abuse.

[Guyouthere]

Yes we are all a combo of different signs, because our sun sun is NIT the only sign that rules.

 

There is the moon, ascending, venus, mars ....

 

Those are the main ones.

 

So if your sun is in Taurus, but your moon and venus (goddess of love) are in Leo or Aries, you will also be impulsive and yeah hopeless romantic!

 

I am Cancer, moon in Gemini! Ascending in Taurus, and Venus in Leo, Mars in Capricorn!

 

I'm going to apply for a job in NASA so that I can visit all of them someday

[Guyouthere]

It is also our genetics, environment, and how we interact with others based on those factors.

 

They all combine to make us who we are.

[katiegrl]

It is also our genetics, environment, and how we interact with others based on those factors.

 

They all combine to make us who we are.

 

Absolutely!

 

I am a middle child and that is a HUGE factor in my personality!

 

Extremely independent, don't need or even like a lot of attention, just to name a few....

 

My mom and dad had six kids, she would put me in my playpen and pretty much ignore me (except to feed me,) ....so learned to fend for and be happy (playing by myself with my toys) since I was just a baby!.

Edited September 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Wow you guys know your astrology !! I'll make sure to mention my sign and ascending in my next thread lol

[Guyouthere]

Absolutely!

 

I am a middle child and that is a HUGE factor in my personality!

 

Extremely independent, don't need or even like a lot of attention, just to name a few....

 

My mom and dad had six kids, she would put me in my playpen and pretty much ignore me (except to feed me,) ....so learned to fend for and be happy (playing by myself with my toys) since I was just a baby!.

 

How many are girls?

 

It sounds like being in the middle like that would have set the attention to the other ends.

 

I bet you terrorized your siblings. hehehe (just kidding).

 

I am alone, no brothers or sisters, just mom and I.

[Guyouthere]

Wow you guys know your astrology !! I'll make sure to mention my sign and ascending in my next thread lol

 

Right now I have to ascend out of this chair and help mom, but I'll grace you with my presence come later. hehehe

 

What is your sign?

 

I need a "stop" sign sometimes.

 

Maybe I'll go get one from my street corner later.

 

After all, I pay my taxes.

[Gaeta]

Right now I have to ascend out of this chair and help mom, but I'll grace you with my presence come later. hehehe

 

What is your sign?

 

I need a "stop" sign sometimes.

 

Maybe I'll go get one from my street corner later.

 

After all, I pay my taxes.

 

I am a Libra....ascending Libra. I am a lost cause. Forever over analyzing.

[Guyouthere]

I am a Libra....ascending Libra. I am a lost cause. Forever over analyzing.

 

We are alike then, because I am "forever anal". har har har

 

be back in a bit.

 

In the meantime, you have permission to breathe.

[katiegrl]

How many are girls?

 

It sounds like being in the middle like that would have set the attention to the other ends.

 

I bet you terrorized your siblings. hehehe (just kidding).

 

I am alone, no brothers or sisters, just mom and I.

 

I am the ONLY girl!!! Ugh.

 

I have five brothers.. and no they terrorized me!!!! Lol

 

I have three older and two younger brothers.

 

I wish I had a sister!!!!

[katiegrl]

I am a Libra....ascending Libra. I am a lost cause. Forever over analyzing.

 

No you are not a lost cause .... but you do need balance and stability in your life, so it is no wonder you are wanting a stable loving relationship so badly!

 

We all over-analyze, that's just human nature I think!

 

I love Libra people BTW...my younger bro (the commitment-phobe ...lol) is a Libra and we are super close!

 

But he is so back and forth. Forever weighing the pros and cons of things....including relationships!

 

Feel like shaking him sometimes (sound familiar Gaeta? Lol) ...but love him to death!

 

:bunny:

[Guyouthere]

No you are not a lost cause .... but you do need balance and stability in your life, so it is no wonder you are wanting a stable loving relationship so badly!

 

We all over-analyze, that's just human nature I think!

 

I love Libra people BTW...my younger bro (the commitment-phobe ...lol) is a Libra and we are super close!

 

But he is so back and forth. Forever weighing the pros and cons of things....including relationships!

 

Feel like shaking him sometimes (sound familiar Gaeta? Lol) ...but love him to death!

 

:bunny:

 

I wouldn't say I want it badly, I am happy with who I am and what I do. I just got caught up in this situation, evidently not a healthy one.

 

When I commit, I commit all the way, and there are certain things I look for in the woman as well. There has to be some "level of genuine and sincere feelings" that I can put my hand on. That is what was lacking here. I was able to sense that. After all, she went "backwards" on me, which upset me because I felt then she wasn't serious.

 

Libra is the measure sign, thus "weight". Libra is "pound" in Spanish too.

 

If your brother needs some shaking, send him out to an earthquake zone. hehehe

[Guyouthere]

I am the ONLY girl!!! Ugh.

 

I have five brothers.. and no they terrorized me!!!! Lol

 

I have three older and two younger brothers.

 

I wish I had a sister!!!!

 

Only girl means special treatment, although I am sure the guys didn't see it that way. I bet they pulled your hair a lot. lol

[katiegrl]

1

I wouldn't say I want it badly, I am happy with who I am and what I do. I just got caught up in this situation, evidently not a healthy one.

 

When I commit, I commit all the way, and there are certain things I look for in the woman as well. There has to be some "level of genuine and sincere feelings" that I can put my hand on. That is what was lacking here. I was able to sense that. After all, she went "backwards" on me, which upset me because I felt then she wasn't serious.

 

Libra is the measure sign, thus "weight". Libra is "pound" in Spanish too.

 

If your brother needs some shaking, send him out to an earthquake zone. hehehe

 

My post (no. 85) was in response to Gaeta's post, which I quoted in my response.

 

Gaeta is the Libra (as well as my brother), Gaeta is the one who wants a relationship badly, not you. :)

 

Oh my brother IS in earthquake zone -- he lives in Los Angeles! Lol

Edited September 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[Guyouthere]

1

 

My post (no. 85) was in response to Gaeta's post, which I quoted in my response.

 

Gaeta is the Libra (as well as my brother), Gaeta is the one who wants a relationship badly, not you. :)

 

Oh my brother IS in earthquake zone -- he lives in Los Angeles! Lol

 

Gaeta can come to Florida and I will use her for shark bait. heheh

 

California -shake and bake.

 

Just add salt.

[katiegrl]

Gaeta can come to Florida and I will use her for shark bait. heheh

 

California -shake and bake.

 

Just add salt.

 

LOL, you're a regular jokester all of a sudden, aren't ya .... :bunny:

[Guyouthere]

LOL, you're a regular jokester all of a sudden, aren't ya .... :bunny:

 

I can make women laugh, for sure. I am good at that. I do have a lot to offer, I just got caught up with someone who didn't appreciate it.

 

California is the bakery of the USA, and I do shark fish here.

[todreaminblue]

from personal experience it is possible.....if you have a relationship where you can trust the other person....i feel that having or being in an abusive relationship isnt reliant on being abused in the past.....there are many peoples....yes i mean men and women who are in abusive relationships and never been in one before......

 

something came up in church yesterday about how most of who you are and how you are is determined by what you are taught before the age of eight...now for me in that time i was isolated, ostracised bullied traumatised and assaulted physically and sexually...over a period of years from not just one person....does my abuse define who i am...no i dont think it does....i think my abuse that has happened....happened to me....thats it......

 

 

 

it happened like everything else happens to other good people by ignorant people and people who disregards others rights..i am not a throw away person because of abuse deserving of a non loving relationship because i have had at times a definite lack of love shown.but.........within that time frame of years ....i also found a love for nature..books...learning.......a nurturing grandfather and grandparents a mum who kissed me good night at bed time..and a love of helping others ..and i fell in love with every old couple who walked like penguins holding hands...i believed in love and still do.......i have had a few relationships in my life some of them extremely loving....some of them not....and i certainly know the difference between them.....and honestly...i do deserve to have a loving trusting relationship because i am loving and trustable in one....

 

 

i know when someone does something wrong.....i know the difference between what feels right and what feels wrong...in fact i have a heightened sense of it.....maybe thats why when i have called it over in my relationships i can remain friends with my exes......or maybe they feel sorry for me....who knows......all i know is....i believe in love and treating others lovingly......and if anyone tries to kick my ass in a relationship.....i am not going to sit there and take it....i do knwo trust is huge....i have to be able to speak up in a relationship and have the guy know my history.....i have to be able to be vulnerable as i would want him to be able to be........or it isnt love.....i have to trust him like he can trust me....deb

[Guyouthere]

from personal experience it is possible.....if you have a relationship where you can trust the other person....i feel that having or being in an abusive relationship isnt reliant on being abused in the past.....there are many peoples....yes i mean men and women who are in abusive relationships and never been in one before......

 

something came up in church yesterday about how most of who you are and how you are is determined by what you are taught before the age of eight...now for me in that time i was isolated, ostracised bullied traumatised and assaulted physically and sexually...over a period of years from not just one person....does my abuse define who i am...no i dont think it does....i think my abuse that has happened....happened to me....thats it......

 

 

 

it happened like everything else happens to other good people by ignorant people and people who disregards others rights..i am not a throw away person because of abuse deserving of a non loving relationship because i have had at times a definite lack of love shown.but.........within that time frame of years ....i also found a love for nature..books...learning.......a nurturing grandfather and grandparents a mum who kissed me good night at bed time..and a love of helping others ..and i fell in love with every old couple who walked like penguins holding hands...i believed in love and still do.......i have had a few relationships in my life some of them extremely loving....some of them not....and i certainly know the difference between them.....and honestly...i do deserve to have a loving trusting relationship because i am loving and trustable in one....

 

 

i know when someone does something wrong.....i know the difference between what feels right and what feels wrong...in fact i have a heightened sense of it.....maybe thats why when i have called it over in my relationships i can remain friends with my exes......or maybe they feel sorry for me....who knows......all i know is....i believe in love and treating others lovingly......and if anyone tries to kick my ass in a relationship.....i am not going to sit there and take it....i do knwo trust is huge....i have to be able to speak up in a relationship and have the guy know my history.....i have to be able to be vulnerable as i would want him to be able to be........or it isnt love.....i have to trust him like he can trust me....deb

 

You wrote a very wise post, I admire it. As I read through it, I read it as it applies to me and what I just went through as well. We think alike, except for the fact that abuse doesn't define who you are. To some extent, it does, especially when it is at a very early age. It is why I feel bad for this girl, she didn't ask to be held prisoner or have a dad who abused her. No doubt this has an effect on anyone in that situation. I just know more now than I did before. For us, it can't work as she is now. Perhaps she is gone for good, I dunno. That is in Gods' hands. Everything is in Gods' hands, always was, and always will be.

Trust is critical, and I must be able to trust as I am trustworthy as well. I don't take abuse either, and I don't abuse, but I am guilty of going off the wall at times because I am human, and I admit my words can hurt and do. I am not proud of that fact. It is my flaw at times, but overall I control it unless I really get pushed, then it comes out if I am over stressed.

 

I don't believe in hiding secrets, they only come out in the long run, and that causes problems.

 

Overall everyone wants the same thing, a good stable partner they can love and loves them. After all, we are made for that.

[todreaminblue]

You wrote a very wise post, I admire it. As I read through it, I read it as it applies to me and what I just went through as well. We think alike, except for the fact that abuse doesn't define who you are. To some extent, it does, especially when it is at a very early age. It is why I feel bad for this girl, she didn't ask to be held prisoner or have a dad who abused her. No doubt this has an effect on anyone in that situation. I just know more now than I did before. For us, it can't work as she is now. Perhaps she is gone for good, I dunno. That is in Gods' hands. Everything is in Gods' hands, always was, and always will be.

Trust is critical, and I must be able to trust as I am trustworthy as well. I don't take abuse either, and I don't abuse, but I am guilty of going off the wall at times because I am human, and I admit my words can hurt and do. I am not proud of that fact. It is my flaw at times, but overall I control it unless I really get pushed, then it comes out if I am over stressed.

 

I don't believe in hiding secrets, they only come out in the long run, and that causes problems.

 

Overall everyone wants the same thing, a good stable partner they can love and loves them. After all, we are made for that.

 

thank you for your kind words....i do believe being defined by abuse is debatable.....i would like to debate that with you..how do you feel this woman you know is defined by her abuse......in all definition a product of her abuse......in actions thoughts and deeds....actions and thoughts and deeds to me is what makes us who we are....they define us...surely not defined by the actions of others upon us.......as human and as being in essence the spirit of the person that was actually defined by god before we were born...i believe that god has a plan for everyone of us... and god knows every hair every action that we will do before we have even thought about acting......he has weaved intricately a design of cause and effect that cannot be refuted.............this is my opinion however though...it is also my belief that god is abundant or super imposed in places of trial and disorder...he sets in motion a way out.......even fi that way out ....isnt to live......but to pass away...

 

 

if i can use the analogy of a violet.......it grows in dark and damp places...its beauty and delicate nature is not defined by the amount of sunlight it receives...but more the shadows...the darkness and the dank refuses to quell the violets inherent desire to be beautiful.....because god made the violet that way....to survive in dark and dank places....a violets petals are not defined by the blackness of the soil it resides in....but by the beauty of the violet itself to survive in a place where other flowers cant..............deb

Edited September 28, 2015 by todreaminblue

[Guyouthere]

thank you for your kind words....i do believe being defined by abuse is debatable.....i would like to debate that with you..how do you feel this woman you know is defined by her abuse......in all definition a product of her abuse......in actions thoughts and deeds....actions and thoughts and deeds to me is what makes us who we are....they define us...surely not defined by the actions of others upon us.......as human and as being in essence the spirit of the person that was actually defined by god before we were born...i believe that god has a plan for everyone of us... and god knows every hair every action that we will do before we have even thought about acting......he has weaved intricately a design of cause and effect that cannot be refuted.............this is my opinion however though...it is also my belief that god is abundant or super imposed in places of trial and disorder...he sets in motion a way out.......even fi that way out ....isnt to live......but to pass away...

 

 

if i can use the analogy of a violet.......it grows in dark and damp places...its beauty and delicate nature is not defined by the amount of sunlight it receives...but more the shadows...the darkness and the dank refuses to quell the violets inherent desire to be beautiful.....because god made the violet that way....to survive in dark and dank places....a violets petals are not defined by the blackness of the soil it resides in....but by the beauty of the violet itself to survive in a place where other flowers cant..............deb

 

You are pretty intelligent.

 

I believe in her case, her personality was directly affected by what she experienced as a baby. Not only did a therapist on here say this, I have been looking into it, studying it myself.

 

She is a survivor, but at a cost. I wish her healing that she needs, and realize I can't be with her as she is now. I still hope for that time when she is better, if that is possible. Perhaps she knows this, and why she hasn't returned anything as she said she would. I simply do not know. Perhaps she doesn't either. God does, either way.

 

I don't think it is ever fair to say "never" when we don't know what the end result is.

 

I have hope, but perhaps it is an illusion.

[todreaminblue]

You are pretty intelligent.

 

I believe in her case, her personality was directly affected by what she experienced as a baby. Not only did a therapist on here say this, I have been looking into it, studying it myself.

 

She is a survivor, but at a cost. I wish her healing that she needs, and realize I can't be with her as she is now. I still hope for that time when she is better, if that is possible. Perhaps she knows this, and why she hasn't returned anything as she said she would. I simply do not know. Perhaps she doesn't either. God does, either way.

 

I don't think it is ever fair to say "never" when we don't know what the end result is.

 

I have hope, but perhaps it is an illusion.

 

sometimes intelligent sometimes totally brain dead...meaning i think from the heart.......i believe i am a multiple personality.......my personality has been affected by the trauma.......i dont know if its good or bad that i am a multiple...time will tell.....when i introduce myself to someone new ...i dont say hey im deb the multiple......it is not my definition of myself.......its like the difference i guess of someone saying i am dying from a disease or i live with a disease.......the definition and the way that person views herself or himself is in two words...living or dying......its a classification of a state of being.....like victim.....or survivor......

 

what i do know is that we arent defined by anothers actions upon us....i dont care what any book read degreed shrink thinks........they define me as schizo affective..they got it wrong......

 

so i will repeat.......like all multiples do...;0).....we arent defined by anothers actions upon us what will be noted and on record.....ultimately defines us is how we choose to react....and thats choice......in a nutshell...agency we were given......as a child.......her free will was not her own......it was impacted by others...as children we are meant to follow adults leads and learn from them...not everything one adult teaches is always right...and i knew that from a very young age...just because an adult told me it would not rain....doesnt mean i didnt have the common sense to take an umbrella myself on a cloudy day....or when my virginity was taken at five......i had an instinct what he had done was not right.....or that i knew the wife who watched should have helped me and stopped him instead of watching i knew that too........... now your friend she is free to make her own choices....if she was a baby ....how young are we talking about that a shrink would say her personality was defined as a baby........

and just for you...hope should never be left behind but always with you...

 

i have hope always have.....that i might be complete not so fractured one day.......but i still dont feel the actions of others defines who i am.....that would make me responsible for what they do .....or have done...freudian slip.and i am not responsible for their actions only my own.....deb.......

[Guyouthere]

sometimes intelligent sometimes totally brain dead...meaning i think from the heart.......i believe i am a multiple personality.......my personality has been affected by the trauma.......i dont know if its good or bad that i am a multiple...time will tell.....when i introduce myself to someone new ...i dont say hey im deb the multiple......it is not my definition of myself.......its like the difference i guess of someone saying i am dying from a disease or i live with a disease.......the definition and the way that person views herself or himself is in two words...living or dying......its a classification of a state of being.....like victim.....or survivor......

 

what i do know is that we arent defined by anothers actions upon us....i dont care what any book read degreed shrink thinks........they define me as schizo affective..they got it wrong......

 

so i will repeat.......like all multiples do...;0).....we arent defined by anothers actions upon us what will be noted and on record.....ultimately defines us is how we choose to react....and thats choice......in a nutshell...agency we were given......as a child.......her free will was not her own......it was impacted by others...as children we are meant to follow adults leads and learn from them...not everything one adult teaches is always right...and i knew that from a very young age...just because an adult told me it would not rain....doesnt mean i didnt have the common sense to take an umbrella myself on a cloudy day....or when my virginity was taken at five......i had an instinct what he had done was not right.....or that i knew the wife who watched should have helped me and stopped him instead of watching i knew that too........... now your friend she is free to make her own choices....if she was a baby ....how young are we talking about that a shrink would say her personality was defined as a baby........

and just for you...hope should never be left behind but always with you...

 

i have hope always have.....that i might be complete not so fractured one day.......but i still dont feel the actions of others defines who i am.....that would make me responsible for what they do .....or have done...freudian slip.and i am not responsible for their actions only my own.....deb.......

 

Infant age.

[todreaminblue]

Infant age.

 

when i was about six months old my mum went back to work......now i am going by what my mum has told me......i dont remember any of it.....my mum left me with a baby sitter an older woman who ran a day care out of her home......she specifically looked after younger babies......now after a while mum noticed a change in me i was quieter not as happy and when she had me in the stroller on the way to drop em off at this lady's place....i would wedge my feet under the wheels so she couldnt push the stroller...a silent refusal......to go any further she would have to pick up the trolley and pick up me and carry me there........mum started to wonder what was going on.......then one day she left work early came to pick me up i was still in the same nappy and a curdled bottle of milk in the cot i was left in that morning..

 

 

mum found out that the lady was leaving us in the cots alone and going down to the local......... she was reported and shut down......i havent had much luck with baby sitters.....

 

i honestly dont know how something in infancy that probably isnt remembered defines someone...i feel what defines us is what we do now and tomorrow not yesterday...and just maybe i needed to write that...because i often beat myself up over what i have done in the past.....and what others do...yep...ill be honest i often take responsibility......your not one of my past shrinks are you..kidding......

 

i dont know this woman you speak of ...i can only write from my experiences.....and her way of being wont be the same as mine...nor are her experiences the same....but they are just experiences....and to tell the truth...i have had many more smiles and laughs than i have had tears in my life....and i choose to get through all i go through ...hopefully...at the end...still smiling...remembering far more the wonderful experiences i have had and the love i have been shown...not the lack of love i felt as a child.,..i would hope the same for her......i would hope that you keep hope alive....because i would hope that for anyone...have you split with her? when you say she is gone ......where did she go?..and why.......if you dont mind me asking......deb...............

[Guyouthere]

when i was about six months old my mum went back to work......now i am going by what my mum has told me......i dont remember any of it.....my mum left me with a baby sitter an older woman who ran a day care out of her home......she specifically looked after younger babies......now after a while mum noticed a change in me i was quieter not as happy and when she had me in the stroller on the way to drop em off at this lady's place....i would wedge my feet under the wheels so she couldnt push the stroller...a silent refusal......to go any further she would have to pick up the trolley and pick up me and carry me there........mum started to wonder what was going on.......then one day she left work early came to pick me up i was still in the same nappy and a curdled bottle of milk in the cot i was left in that morning..

 

 

mum found out that the lady was leaving us in the cots alone and going down to the local......... she was reported and shut down......i havent had much luck with baby sitters.....

 

i honestly dont know how something in infancy that probably isnt remembered defines someone...i feel what defines us is what we do now and tomorrow not yesterday...and just maybe i needed to write that...because i often beat myself up over what i have done in the past.....and what others do...yep...ill be honest i often take responsibility......your not one of my past shrinks are you..kidding......

 

i dont know this woman you speak of ...i can only write from my experiences.....and her way of being wont be the same as mine...nor are her experiences the same....but they are just experiences....and to tell the truth...i have had many more smiles and laughs than i have had tears in my life....and i choose to get through all i go through ...hopefully...at the end...still smiling...remembering far more the wonderful experiences i have had and the love i have been shown...not the lack of love i felt as a child.,..i would hope the same for her......i would hope that you keep hope alive....because i would hope that for anyone...have you split with her? when you say she is gone ......where did she go?..and why.......if you dont mind me asking......deb...............

 

The last interaction I had with her was because I caught her hiding a guy from me on her profile. We got into a fight, I told her "F-You". Her personality is that she can't do wrong, and of course I have now been banished. She said she would rerun some items, pay money back too, I'll wait and see, or she could just be playing me, I dunno. Overall she said she is going away (from talking to me), and that she wants to pursue her life. She has the misconception that I tried to control her. I did some research and bieleve she has strong narcissist traits.

I know I hurt her, but she also hurt me, and can't or doesn't want to acknowledge it. That alone bothers me.

[todreaminblue]

The last interaction I had with her was because I caught her hiding a guy from me on her profile. We got into a fight, I told her "F-You". Her personality is that she can't do wrong, and of course I have now been banished. She said she would rerun some items, pay money back too, I'll wait and see, or she could just be playing me, I dunno. Overall she said she is going away (from talking to me), and that she wants to pursue her life. She has the misconception that I tried to control her. I did some research and bieleve she has strong narcissist traits.

I know I hurt her, but she also hurt me, and can't or doesn't want to acknowledge it. That alone bothers me.

 

if you have defined that she has strong narcissist traits why do want her back......if you know this then you would also know that she can only make you miserable......do you believe people who are abused are all narcissists

 

i will have to say what she has thrown at you about trying to control her is more about her getting busted by you than her truly believing you are controlling her..i think its called gas lighting.....where they switch it on to you and honestly probably has nothing to do with her past abuse...she just didnt like being busted....

 

 

i dont like to be told i am wrong..does anyone......i do accept though i often am wrong.......and that has nothing to do with my abuse either...deb