Normal relationship after abuse.

[Redhead14]

RH, these are some of my observations I made,,, I posted this list in another thread.

 

Please give your assessment.

Mine never apologized for anything.

Said no one understood her.

Was a loner.

High functional level, intelligent and ambitious.

Said she "went into high work gear" when she felt "unpleasant"

Sometimes spoke to me as I was a child (when I made a mistake).

Couldn't take criticism if I gave her any.

Came across as cold at times.

Said too that she wanted to work with bipolar people/those abused because of her ex and exposure to it (evidently her dad and ex had it).

Mom and sisters were loving, she raised her sisters.

Made a comment last argument we had that "now I would spread lies", in reality she knows no one here.

Overall didn't do anything for me.

Saw commitment as codependency and not true love.

Said I didn't know what true love is.

I caught her hiding a guy, innocent or not, she once again tried to justify that we were broken up for a week prior (in reality this was not final).

Said she wasn't attracted to me physically (I took that only because I knew she was still not over her ex). No, I wouldn't accept that forever. She said "potential was there". I do know I could have done better, but I didn't feel love from her to "really get into it".

Prided herself as not being able to lie or hide her feelings.

Seemed paranoid at times, always said guys were looking at her, and the girl friends she went out with were jealous of her.

Said she was a healer.

Said she was "called to something special and had special gifts".

She did realize she has issues.

Evidently is either a liar and doesnt want to return the ring I gave her, or is waiting until she sorts herself out to see if she "still wants an us".

She has the all around belief/attitude "I am above everyones level", saying she "already passed lower levels of thinking".

She said she "has a high standard for guys".

 

Only thing I can see I did wrong here was be emotional and act immaturely a few times when dealing with all of this, but perhaps you can see why I was driven nuts…..

So maybe me acting as I did was more of a "reaction" than who I am.

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High functional level, intelligent and ambitious.

Said she "went into high work gear" when she felt "unpleasant" -- This is a dissociative response to stress -- avoidance. Not necessarily a bad thing, but using it as a way to escape whatever is upsetting her.

 

Some people who have been abused will push themselves to a "higher level" of functioning but in essence, it's still a way of wearing mask for themselves and to the world.

 

"I am above everyones level", saying she "already passed lower levels of thinking".

She said she "has a high standard for guys -- this is typical for some victims of abuse -- again it is a "false" persona created for herself to give her some sense of value. It suggests perhaps a little big of malignant narcissism -- one-upmanship (the practice of any assertion of superiority)

Seemed paranoid at times, always said guys were looking at her, and the girl friends she went out with were jealous of her.

 

So maybe me acting as I did was more of a "reaction" than who I am. -- Well, sure it was a reaction to something you were finding to be confusing and unsettling for sure. And, of course, you were confused.

 

However, given your "diligence" with this thread, "who you are" will require some introspection. Since you have invested so much of yourself in her and her situation, you need to think about what drives you to want to be the rescuer, nurturer, savior for this woman. When you do move on emotionally from her, I suggest you reflect on this experience when you are dating new women. Be sure to think about whether or not any new prospective dates that you become attached to are strong, secure women for the most part and not in need of rescuing. What you have been doing here with this girl really amounts to entering into a co-dependent relationship. Don't carry this forward.

[Guyouthere]

High functional level, intelligent and ambitious.

Said she "went into high work gear" when she felt "unpleasant" -- This is a dissociative response to stress -- avoidance. Not necessarily a bad thing, but using it as a way to escape whatever is upsetting her.

 

Some people who have been abused will push themselves to a "higher level" of functioning but in essence, it's still a way of wearing mask for themselves and to the world.

 

"I am above everyones level", saying she "already passed lower levels of thinking".

She said she "has a high standard for guys -- this is typical for some victims of abuse -- again it is a "false" persona created for herself to give her some sense of value. It suggests perhaps a little big of malignant narcissism -- one-upmanship (the practice of any assertion of superiority)

Seemed paranoid at times, always said guys were looking at her, and the girl friends she went out with were jealous of her.

 

So maybe me acting as I did was more of a "reaction" than who I am. -- Well, sure it was a reaction to something you were finding to be confusing and unsettling for sure. And, of course, you were confused.

 

However, given your "diligence" with this thread, "who you are" will require some introspection. Since you have invested so much of yourself in her and her situation, you need to think about what drives you to want to be the rescuer, nurturer, savior for this woman. When you do move on emotionally from her, I suggest you reflect on this experience when you are dating new women. Be sure to think about whether or not any new prospective dates that you become attached to are strong, secure women for the most part and not in need of rescuing. What you have been doing here with this girl really amounts to entering into a co-dependent relationship. Don't carry this forward.

 

I think my downfall here was that I saw someone who I also assumed had potential once she "organized her new life".

 

Then all of this turned up, which also told me I didn't understand the larger picture. Had I known then what I know now, I can at least say I would have had more compassion towards her.

[Guyouthere]

I'm accepting some things now…

 

She was really "messed up" even more than I had thought.

 

Perhaps her feelings for me weren't real at all.

 

I could never have really helped her in the ways she needs it.

 

I didn't want a puppet to control, as she thought.

 

If she gets help, perhaps one day in the distant future, she can be "better".

[Guyouthere]

Sending a thank you out here to those who care enough to "show me the light" of what I was dealing with.

 

A special thank you too, to Redhead as well. Your insight and experience and advice has and is helping me realize what I just experienced, and I have learned a lot from you (and others who contribute).

 

I believe you are right, that pursuing a relationship with someone like her as she is now, would be the wrong thing to do. I have to think of the damage she would have done to me as she is now. I am already distraught at the loss of what I thought was genuine.

 

So I'll just give her up, and see perhaps some day in the future if she is a different person after therapy.

 

I won't accept less than that from her, or anyone. I do know what I am worth as well.

[Gaeta]

Very wise decision.

 

Now make place in your life to welcome someone of your caliber.

[Popsicle]

Ahem....Thank Gaeta too.

[Guyouthere]

Yes, I thank all of you who care.

 

I'l still be here, I'm not done boring you all yet. hehehe ;P

[Gaeta]

Ahem....Thank Gaeta too.

 

 

haha not necessary. I got involved in 1 thread than gave up. Redhead showed more patience. :-)

[Popsicle]

Yes, I thank all of you who care.

 

I'l still be here, I'm not done boring you all yet. hehehe ;P

 

You might have to start paying us after this.

 

(I'm kidding)

[Guyouthere]

You might have to start paying us after this.

 

(I'm kidding)

 

How much?

 

I can promise you some good fishing here in Florida. hehehe

 

Who else can assure you catch something bigger than the size of a person. lol

[katiegrl]

Yes, I thank all of you who care.

 

I'l still be here, I'm not done boring you all yet. hehehe ;P

 

You're very welcome .... now to the hard part.

 

Executing what you have finally acknowledged!

 

Easier said than done sometimes, but realizing it is the first step so you're halfway there

 

If and when you ever feel you're slipping back..... we're here!

 

Good luck!!!!!

[Popsicle]

How much?

 

I can promise you some good fishing here in Florida. hehehe

 

Who else can assure you catch something bigger than the size of a person. lol

 

I want a ring!!!1

[Guyouthere]

haha not necessary. I got involved in 1 thread than gave up. Redhead showed more patience. :-)

 

Well I'm a Taurus and so I am stubborn. hehehe

[Guyouthere]

I want a ring!!!1

 

I didn't choose the name "Digginrings" for my channel for nothing

[Popsicle]

I didn't choose the name "Digginrings" for my channel for nothing

 

Okay, I'll settle for a fish.

[katiegrl]

Well I'm a Taurus and so I am stubborn. hehehe

 

Oh so you're a Taurus, eh?

 

THAT explains everything!!!! Lol

 

Actually though, Taurus men are SLOW movers ..... it took my Taurus brother seven years to propose to his girlfriend!!!!

[Gaeta]

Oh so you're a Taurus, eh?

 

THAT explains everything!!!! Lol

 

Actually though, Taurus men are SLOW movers ..... it took my Taurus brother seven years to propose to his girlfriend!!!!

 

Aren't Taurus men hopeless romantic too?

[Guyouthere]

Okay, I'll settle for a fish.

 

I can give you both.

 

Watch my videos,,, you will understand. hehehe

[Guyouthere]

Aren't Taurus men hopeless romantic too?

 

I am actually.

 

I am soft and yet firm.

 

My strength is that I love hard, my weakness is I have chosen the wrong ones to give that to.

[Guyouthere]

Oh so you're a Taurus, eh?

 

THAT explains everything!!!! Lol

 

Actually though, Taurus men are SLOW movers ..... it took my Taurus brother seven years to propose to his girlfriend!!!!

 

Whats your sign?

 

I don't follow that really, but I do see some similarities in the description of a Taurus when I look at my personality.

 

But then again, we all have some traits of all signs.

[katiegrl]

Aren't Taurus men hopeless romantic too?

 

I don't think so ....they're more pragmatic and emotionally stable...

 

But yeah they ARE stubborn!

 

If he is romantic, his moon or ascending could be in a fire sign (Leo, Aries)....

[Guyouthere]

I was told I am a cusp of Taurus and Gemini

[Guyouthere]

Well, to give you something to watch, off the subject….. this is one of the things I do here in Florida….

 

Enjoy the video.

 

[katiegrl]

Whats your sign?

 

I don't follow that really, but I do see some similarities in the description of a Taurus when I look at my personality.

 

But then again, we all have some traits of all signs.

 

Yes we are all a combo of different signs, because our sun sun is NIT the only sign that rules.

 

There is the moon, ascending, venus, mars ....

 

Those are the main ones.

 

So if your sun is in Taurus, but your moon and venus (goddess of love) are in Leo or Aries, you will also be impulsive and yeah hopeless romantic!

 

I am Cancer, moon in Gemini! Ascending in Taurus, and Venus in Leo, Mars in Capricorn!

[katiegrl]

I was told I am a cusp of Taurus and Gemini

 

Yeah Gemini is where you get your impulsive nature (proposing after only six months)!

 

Most likely, but who knows.

 

Astrology is only one factor of our personality. Imo