Normal relationship after abuse.

[Guyouthere]

A general question to post here….

 

Your opinion,,,, from perhaps your own experience or what you know of others…

 

If a girl has been traumatized at a young age by a dad who sexually abused her, and then goes on to an abusive relationship of her own,,, can she ever have a truly loving and relationship herself? Or is the damage done/permament and will it always be an issue in a real and loving relationship (if one comes her way).

 

Does therapy work? Or is this unfortunate soul doomed to a certain degree through no fault of her own?

 

What if she knows she has to rewire her brain? Does it ever make a true difference?

Edited September 23, 2015 by Guyouthere

[Redhead14]

A general question to post here….

 

Your opinion,,,, from perhaps your own experience or what you know of others…

 

If a girl has been traumatized at a young age by a dad who sexually abused her, and then goes on to an abusive relationship of her own,,, can she ever have a truly loving and relationship herself? Or is the damage done/permament and will it always be an issue in a real and loving relationship (if one comes her way).

 

Does therapy work? Or is this unfortunate soul doomed to a certain degree through no fault of her own?

 

What if she knows she has to rewire her brain? Does it ever make a true

difference?

 

It depends on a number of things primarily, whether or not her "core" remains in tact. If she was fully cared for in infancy and all needs were met in every way up until the time the abuse began, she has a better chance of recovery. If,

however, the mother and/or father were neglectful, it will be more difficult.

 

This is a very serious issue. If you'd like to PM me, I'd need some details about her childhood and parents in order to give you some insight.

 

However, I would caution you from getting too deeply invested.

[Buddhist]

A general question to post here….

 

Your opinion,,,, from perhaps your own experience or what you know of others…

 

If a girl has been traumatized at a young age by a dad who sexually abused her, and then goes on to an abusive relationship of her own,,, can she ever have a truly loving and relationship herself? Or is the damage done/permament and will it always be an issue in a real and loving relationship (if one comes her way).

 

Does therapy work? Or is this unfortunate soul doomed to a certain degree through no fault of her own?

 

What if she knows she has to rewire her brain? Does it ever make a true difference?

 

I've been sexually abused but have been in abusive relationships of various types. Here's what I learnt.

 

Can she ever have a good relationship? Yes. But not until she does the work of healing from her abuse. The abused tend to get stuck in a cycle of picking the same types of people over and over because it is psychologically familiar. And also because they've equated abused in their mind to love. Therapy is an absolute must.

 

Therapy works. When you get the right therapist with experience in those particular issues. But finding a good one is like finding a good lover. Some people in the helping professions are actual abusers themselves. They are attracted to victims. Others are just incompetent or uncaring. Finding the right one is imperative. Shop carefully, be discerning.

 

Rewiring your brain does make a difference. I have personally experienced the results of learning new patterns of thought.

 

In conclusion, this won't be a quick or easy fix. But if you want health for her then the effort involved in finding just the right person to help is worth it.

[gaius]

She's probably always doomed to have raw passion for guys who are abusive, but like anyone else she could choose to live a healthier lifestyle if she wanted. Plenty of people end up with partners for other reasons than raw passion and make a loving success out of it. It's really up to her though to decide that's what she wants.

[Guyouthere]

It depends on a number of things primarily, whether or not her "core" remains in tact. If she was fully cared for in infancy and all needs were met in every way up until the time the abuse began, she has a better chance of recovery. If,

however, the mother and/or father were neglectful, it will be more difficult.

 

This is a very serious issue. If you'd like to PM me, I'd need some details about her childhood and parents in order to give you some insight.

 

However, I would caution you from getting too deeply invested.

 

I'm ignorant and don't know how to PM on here lol Can you advise how to PM

please?

[Ami1uwant]

You may not be able to PM yet unless you pay. I dont recall how long membership/posts before private messages will start working.

 

To PM...click on the posters nsme amd go to the profile then click the link fir a private message.

 

 

As fir your pist....

 

Im not a counsrlor but i recentky stsyed at a holiday inn express....

 

Im not sure on the second part. She was abused by her father. Was she an abuser herself in a relationship or dud she get abused later by a bf/partner?

 

If she became an abuser later in life this is a real serious issue and she needs some sort of counseling. She may have been too traumatized to be repaired.

[Guyouthere]

I can do without the holiday in crack, it isn't funny. There isn't any room for such a thing here.

 

But, no, she wasn't the abuser in her past relationship. She was the receiver of it. The guy was a horrid piece of **** who did drugs, was involved with demon worship, smoked, did drugs, all filth summed up in one.

 

She now does realize what it was, and she is healing from it.

 

I just don't know if she can ever heal from something like all she went through.

 

It is all very complicated.

[Redhead14]

I can do without the holiday in crack, it isn't funny. There isn't any room for such a thing here.

 

But, no, she wasn't the abuser in her past relationship. She was the receiver of it. The guy was a horrid piece of **** who did drugs, was involved with demon worship, smoked, did drugs, all filth summed up in one.

 

She now does realize what it was, and she is healing from it.

 

I just don't know if she can ever heal from something like all she went through.

 

It is all very complicated.

 

If you are very new to the site, you may not be able to PM. And, you are right, it is very complicated. And, likely out of your life skill set to deal with. I understand you may want to help her and you care for her, however, having a relationship with her may be difficult and confusing for you. I'd simply just be her friend and encourage her to seek counseling from a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse.

 

How old is she and when did the abuse start -- what age?

[Guyouthere]

If you are very new to the site, you may not be able to PM. And, you are right, it is very complicated. And, likely out of your life skill set to deal with. I understand you may want to help her and you care for her, however, having a relationship with her may be difficult and confusing for you. I'd simply just be her friend and encourage her to seek counseling from a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse.

 

How old is she and when did the abuse start -- what age?

 

 

She is currently 24 years old.

 

I don't see a PM option, so it is likely due to the fact I am new on here.

 

At this point it would be hard to be just her friend…. because we were engaged and very close…. I/we had serious plans of having a life together.

 

Age it started for her,,, I don't know exactly, but I believe she was very young,,, if I had to guess… would say 3 or so? I dunno.

 

She did tell me that her dad would belittle her when she stood in front of him… and that she was really hurt by it. I felt sad she had to experience that.

 

She said her dad was bipolar.

 

Her mom was also a victim of his,,, but her mom was the nurturing one to her.

 

She told me that she was "always advanced", and "beyond her years".

 

She said she remembered things like "fragments of past lives" too.

Overactive immagination?

 

I do look back now and remember her sending me a pic of a story she wrote.. it disturbed me,,, she wrote it very young,, maybe 9 or so….she wrote it forger class assignment.

The story she told was she went to some old house and went inside and saw blood all over the walls, then ran out to her brother.

 

She was locked up in her house with little freedoms for 24 years, a controlling dad, she was to be married off in the future. I helped her escape. She survived by taking care of her sisters, raising them, also by studying hard.

 

I do know too that her dad dragged her out in public and beat her for talking to a guy on the phone.

 

Yes, very sad.

Edited September 23, 2015 by Guyouthere

[redrock1]

Wow, I'm so sorry for what this girl has had to face in her life. And you sound like you really care about her and want to help her however you can. But I have to agree that probably the best source of help for her is going to be therapy. So, I'm not sure if you said if she's already involved in this? If not, you might want to encourage her to look into it.

 

As far as what the future holds, I don't think I would ever say there's no hope for someone to find healing. But I certainly would take it slowly and allow her to work through what she's faced before you take on a serious relationship. Perhaps it would help you if you could find some sort of support group, or even talk with a counselor yourself, about what your role should be in her life. Just a thought...

[Guyouthere]

Wow, I'm so sorry for what this girl has had to face in her life. And you sound like you really care about her and want to help her however you can. But I have to agree that probably the best source of help for her is going to be therapy. So, I'm not sure if you said if she's already involved in this? If not, you might want to encourage her to look into it.

 

As far as what the future holds, I don't think I would ever say there's no hope for someone to find healing. But I certainly would take it slowly and allow her to work through what she's faced before you take on a serious relationship. Perhaps it would help you if you could find some sort of support group, or even talk with a counselor yourself, about what your role should be in her life. Just a thought...

 

Well she already blew me off, has another guy she is talking to (or whatever), and she lives in another country.

 

She is going to counseling, that I know. Not sex specific counseling though, just "general".

 

She still has my ring and all of the money I spent on here to take care of her basic needs.

 

She has kept them so far, so don't know whats going through her head.

 

Perhaps she feels she isn't finished with me, as much as she said she is.

 

I guess time will tell.

[Redhead14]

She is currently 24 years old.

 

I don't see a PM option, so it is likely due to the fact I am new on here.

 

At this point it would be hard to be just her friend…. because we were engaged and very close…. I/we had serious plans of having a life together.

 

Age it started for her,,, I don't know exactly, but I believe she was very young,,, if I had to guess… would say 3 or so? I dunno.

 

She did tell me that her dad would belittle her when she stood in front of him… and that she was really hurt by it. I felt sad she had to experience that.

 

She said her dad was bipolar.

 

Her mom was also a victim of his,,, but her mom was the nurturing one to her.

 

She told me that she was "always advanced", and "beyond her years".

 

She said she remembered things like "fragments of past lives" too.

Overactive immagination?

 

I do look back now and remember her sending me a pic of a story she wrote.. it disturbed me,,, she wrote it very young,, maybe 9 or so….she wrote it forger class assignment.

The story she told was she went to some old house and went inside and saw blood all over the walls, then ran out to her brother.

 

She was locked up in her house with little freedoms for 24 years, a controlling dad, she was to be married off in the future. I helped her escape. She survived by taking care of her sisters, raising them, also by studying hard.

 

I do know too that her dad dragged her out in public and beat her for talking to a guy on the phone.

 

Yes, very sad.

 

Her circumstances suggest several possibilities, even likelihoods in terms of the effect it has on her.

 

She said she remembered things like "fragments of past lives" too. -- What she is describing in a common experience for victims of early childhood abuse. The victim will become fragmented psychologically. What she is describing are called "alters". They are not past lives. This is not over active imagination. It is a psychological phenomena and coping mechanism employed by children to protect the consciousness from overwhelming experiences.

 

She told me that she was "always advanced", and "beyond her years". -- Also very common statement among abuse victims.

 

The fact that she is identifying these things in herself suggests to me that she would be a good candidate for therapy and there would be opportunity for her to process and move past it all. However, it would be a long process. It would not happen over night.

 

If you cannot simply remain a friend to her, I recommend moving on altogether. I would not attempt to maintain or push for a deeper relationship with her. There will be things that come up along the way in the future for her. Generally, even though they do remember some of the abuse, there will come a time later in life where the reality of it all floods to the consciousness on an emotional level. Very often the victims will have numbed themselves emotionally and at some point the ability to do that will break down. Typically, they experience "crisis", resembling a nervous breakdown. My point is, that unless this is all dealt with by her and with proper psychological support, she will have a difficult time being a fully engaged partner in a relationship. She may be able to make it look good, but she won't be "all in".

[Guyouthere]

Her circumstances suggest several possibilities, even likelihoods in terms of the effect it has on her.

 

She said she remembered things like "fragments of past lives" too. -- What she is describing in a common experience for victims of early childhood abuse. The victim will become fragmented psychologically. What she is describing are called "alters". They are not past lives. This is not over active imagination. It is a psychological phenomena and coping mechanism employed by children to protect the consciousness from overwhelming experiences.

 

She told me that she was "always advanced", and "beyond her years". -- Also very common statement among abuse victims.

 

The fact that she is identifying these things in herself suggests to me that she would be a good candidate for therapy and there would be opportunity for her to process and move past it all. However, it would be a long process. It would not happen over night.

 

If you cannot simply remain a friend to her, I recommend moving on altogether. I would not attempt to maintain or push for a deeper relationship with her. There will be things that come up along the way in the future for her. Generally, even though they do remember some of the abuse, there will come a time later in life where the reality of it all floods to the consciousness on an emotional level. Very often the victims will have numbed themselves emotionally and at some point the ability to do that will break down. Typically, they experience "crisis", resembling a nervous breakdown. My point is, that unless this is all dealt with by her and with proper psychological support, she will have a difficult time being a fully engaged partner in a relationship. She may be able to make it look good, but she won't be "all in".

 

Thanks, I am learning a lot from you.

I don't know what, if anything, our future will bring (friendship or not). It is obvious that she can't be in a normal relationship, at least at this time. Its going to be up to her to get it all sorted out, because she has already said I abandoned her by telling her I wanted to date others (even though I have not done so). I ale pushed her away by yelling at her, I know I attacked her ego.

I feel I'm guilty of things too, which plays on me. After all, I did get her out of a death situation and was there with her literally every day and night for many months.

 

She did tell me that she had "breakdowns", even recently, that things in her past had resurfaced. In fact, she said me saying things and yelling at her as I did in an argument took her back to "ground zero" with her ex, and that "she didn't have the energy to pick up the pieces".

 

I never met anyone in this type of situation, mental, or otherwise, so basically I didn't know how to handle it.

 

I feel now I should have been more compassionate and gave her more space too.

[Guyouthere]

She also told me that she had the ability to "feel people", like "feel what they are feeling", she made a lot of comments like that.

 

I also remember her telling me how she had dreams of the end of time, that now she "doesn't dream", and also many other similar things.

 

I attributed it all to her confinement and her situation. I though to myself.. "if I had been in that situation, my head would likely do the same", so I didn't think much of it.

 

She seemed to do a lot better once she got out of that prison like situation at home, however with continued stress in her life, it was still there (she still made mention of it).

 

So question is,,, is this also part of the abuse?

 

The only good thing I can see that came out of it all was she used those experiences to achieve high levels of study, and she is quite intelligent.

Edited September 23, 2015 by Guyouthere

[Guyouthere]

She was recently told by her counselor too that she "doesn't have defined boundaries".

 

Any ideas on that?

 

That would explain some of her actions I noticed as well.

[losangelena]

I think you'd be better off trying to find counseling for yourself.

[Redhead14]

She was recently told by her counselor too that she "doesn't have defined boundaries".

 

Any ideas on that?

 

That would explain some of her actions I noticed as well.

 

Her father clearly didn't understand or respect boundaries and her mother didn't know how to set boundaries for herself either, thus her own abuse. If a child doesn't have examples, healthy role, models, they don't understand what's acceptable and unacceptable treatment.

 

They tend to "let things slide" or some people react in the opposite, they react to things in an over the top way when confronted or threatened or questioned.

[Redhead14]

She also told me that she had the ability to "feel people", like "feel what they are feeling", she made a lot of comments like that.

 

I also remember her telling me how she had dreams of the end of time, that now she "doesn't dream", and also many other similar things.

 

I attributed it all to her confinement and her situation. I though to myself.. "if I had been in that situation, my head would likely do the same", so I didn't think much of it.

 

She seemed to do a lot better once she got out of that prison like situation at home, however with continued stress in her life, it was still there (she still made mention of it).

 

So question is,,, is this also part of the abuse?

 

The only good thing I can see that came out of it all was she used those experiences to achieve high levels of study, and she is quite intelligent.

 

ability to "feel people", like "feel what they are feeling", she made a lot of comments like that. -- Children who are abused learn how to read into the people around them as a way to anticipate abuse, be on guard, etc. Their senses are heightened and can detect when an abuser or anyone else begins to become angry especially. That is when the numbing begins. It's a protective "device". They will sometimes become empathic in general as well. They are deeply affected by the emotions of others. They can be very compassionate and caring for others, usually, at their own expense. These people will put everything they have into caring for someone else sometimes simply as a way to distract themselves from their own pain, anger, anxiety, etc.

[Redhead14]

Thanks, I am learning a lot from you.

I don't know what, if anything, our future will bring (friendship or not). It is obvious that she can't be in a normal relationship, at least at this time. Its going to be up to her to get it all sorted out, because she has already said I abandoned her by telling her I wanted to date others (even though I have not done so). I ale pushed her away by yelling at her, I know I attacked her ego.

I feel I'm guilty of things too, which plays on me. After all, I did get her out of a death situation and was there with her literally every day and night for many months.

 

She did tell me that she had "breakdowns", even recently, that things in her past had resurfaced. In fact, she said me saying things and yelling at her as I did in an argument took her back to "ground zero" with her ex, and that "she didn't have the energy to pick up the pieces".

 

I never met anyone in this type of situation, mental, or otherwise, so basically I didn't know how to handle it.

 

I feel now I should have been more compassionate and gave her more space too.

 

I ale pushed her away by yelling at her, I know I attacked her ego. -- It is very confusing and difficult for loved ones to handle certain behaviors if they really don't understand the affect abuse has on some people.

 

Don't beat yourself up here. I wish her and you all the best. I've put as much information out here for you and others I hope as a way to educate people about abuse and what it does to some people. I've seen it over and over again in my clients over the years. It's very sad and yet rewarding at the same time when someone goes through the recovery period.

I never met anyone in this type of situation -- some people go to great lengths to hide the fact that they had been abused and will assume a "false" personality -- mask they wear for the world. My point is that there are many, many people out there and you might never suspect what had happened to them unless you've been very, very close to them for some time.

 

I recommend for YOU now, to live your own life, enjoy yourself. Be thankful for your own blessings.

[purdyPeas]

I can do without the holiday in crack, it isn't funny. There isn't any room for such a thing here.

 

But, no, she wasn't the abuser in her past relationship. She was the receiver of it. The guy was a horrid piece of **** who did drugs, was involved with demon worship, smoked, did drugs, all filth summed up in one.

 

She now does realize what it was, and she is healing from it.

 

I just don't know if she can ever heal from something like all she went through.

 

It is all very complicated.

 

mmmm, sounds like one of my ex's. I dunno. Been through all of that. Couselors are idiots. There are no manipulative counselors that are not in it to just keep taking your money and not give advice on anything but "Just keep doing your hobbies".

 

It's been years since....I will never forget. I will still always wish to kill him if I got my hands wrapped around his throat.

 

Now, does that effect or affect how I treat others? No, but now I have more secure boundaries and it is harder to let people into my life. I'm skeptical of person's intentions.

 

If my trust is broken one time, I'm done. That's all it takes for me to walk away now. Just once.

 

Tread carefully, and good luck.

[Guyouthere]

Maybe she would have been a good partner had I understood it more and not acted unwisely myself to scare her off?

 

I still struggle with that.

[Guyouthere]

I think you'd be better off trying to find counseling for yourself.

 

I'm just dealing with this in a constructive manner….

 

For me, the guilt is still there.

 

It is not my character to yell at anyone, and I did her, and I husrt myself doing that.

 

She has a lot of problems, but I truly cared and still do for this girl.

 

I just don't let that go so easily.

 

Maybe love is my downfall, I am too caring, and evidently there are a lot of people out there who just simply look to exploit it.

[losangelena]

I understand, but you're just ruminating over it again and again. It's not helpful.

 

If you hadn't yelled at her, I'm sure she would have found some other reason to push you away. I just don't think you can go back and fix this, which is why I keep encouraging you to move on. Trying to dissect things is after a certain while is counterproductive. Yes, you feel guilty, but you need to forgive yourself for that.

[Guyouthere]

I understand, but you're just ruminating over it again and again. It's not helpful.

 

If you hadn't yelled at her, I'm sure she would have found some other reason to push you away. I just don't think you can go back and fix this, which is why I keep encouraging you to move on. Trying to dissect things is after a certain while is counterproductive. Yes, you feel guilty, but you need to forgive yourself for that.

 

I'm just hoping that once she gets herself in complete mental order… she will realize who really matters to her, who was there for her.

 

Regardless of her problems, I feel I have a special bond with her, it is just "there".

[Redhead14]

Maybe she would have been a good partner had I understood it more and not acted unwisely myself to scare her off?

 

I still struggle with that.

 

If you understood it more, it would only make you a better partner for her. Her ability to be a good partner will be inhibited until she really understands and learns healthy coping skills. You would be doing most, if not all, of the work in a relationship with her and you would be worn down and tired all the time and walking on eggshells in dealing with her for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing(s).