im over here Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 (edited) Hi All, I feel like I have no one really to talk to and would love some advice on my current LDR situation. I met a smart, funny, caring, loving guy 8 months ago where I live knowing that he'd soon move to Florida to finish his last three years of residency. He told me on our first date in January that he'd be moving in July, but that felt so far away to dismiss him right away. We had the most amazing 6 months. I've never felt so loved, cared for, thought of in my entire life. He has proven to me in every possible way that he is the man that I will spend the rest of my life with and he tells me daily that he feels the same way. Fast forward to now, he's been away for 2 months and we've done the LDR thing since he moved. It's a lot harder than I thought but only because I miss him so much. I have 100% faith and trust in him and he reassures me that being together is the best thing that's happened to him and he never wants to lose me. The issue I am currently grappling with is not IF I am going to move to Florida to be with him, but WHEN. We want to be married and he wants to get engaged, but just purchased a house and cannot afford a ring, so he suggested going to the court house. For various reasons, I don't want to get married in a court house without my family and friends present and without a wedding reception, etc. I'm struggling with not being engaged and moving. I know it's a risk, but I also feel like this is the man for me (we're both 31). I can't describe the feeling, but I've heard that 'when you know, you just know.' And I know. The issues I'm currently dealing with though are: - My lease ends October 31, so in about a month. Do I pack up and move there or sign another 1-year lease in NYC? I don't want to be away from him for another year, but I will have no where to live October 31 unless I do. Do I hire a moving company to show him I'm serious about this and find temporary housing in NYC until we are engaged and/or I find a job there? - Again, we are not engaged, which is a huge deal for my VERY traditional family. I know for fact they would not support me if I packed my bags and moved 1,000 miles to be with my boyfriend - especially to live in the same house with him! He doesn't see the issue with this, however, and thinks it is a very traditional way of looking at marriage/co-habitation. He also mentioned that there is no doubt in his mind that we'll be married and spend the rest of our lives together, but I do not want to pressure him into engagement just for me to move. I want him to want this also so I don't know what to do/say. - Job prospects in the city he lives in are somewhat minimal in my field. Not impossible, but I definitely want to secure a job there before I move and although I have been looking, I cannot guarantee I'll find one by October 31. I feel like my life right now is at a standstill. I'd also like to note that we have talked significantly about me moving and October 31 is our target date. I feel like I would break his heart and let him down in a way - I want to make a rational decision, but I am so torn. Does anyone have any advice? What would you do? Edited September 23, 2015 by im over here 1
Els Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 It's a tough situation, OP. But if you need a job secured before you go, then stick to your boundaries. He may be disappointed, but if he's a good partner and the kind of person you actually want to be with, he'll understand. I'm a bit concerned that you're jumping through hoops trying to 'not let him down', when it's typically understood that the person moving to close the distance is already doing a lot as it is. I think any rational person would understand that if you can't move by a certain date due to circumstances, then he just has to wait. Can you sign a monthly lease when your lease is up? Don't know how it works there but we can do that here.
justwhoiam Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Hi All, I feel like I have no one really to talk to and would love some advice on my current LDR situation. Hi, I feel you've been lucky to have found LS. Welcome to the LDR forum. The issue I am currently grappling with is not IF I am going to move to Florida to be with him, but WHEN. I understand your concerns, but I guess you need to relax a bit, because stressing over the time factor can just ruin an otherwise wonderful relationship. We want to be married and he wants to get engaged, but just purchased a house and cannot afford a ring, so he suggested going to the court house. He offered his man's solution, you failed to provide yours. I think that he, as a man, feels you're worth an expensive ring, he wants to show people how much you are worth it and also prove that he is a good party, affording enough money to take care of you... On the other hand, I - as a woman - wouldn't focus on the material value of the ring, rather on his sentimental value: the fact that he picked one for me, that he went out there looking for something that could be right for me and that I could like, took the time to figure out my taste, pick a color, a size, something not to showy to match my personality. Get it? If you really want to get married, you need to be ready inside. I would let him know that even something inexpensive would be just fine to keep the tradition, and you wouldn't use it as a parameter to judge how much you're worth to him, and that he will be able to buy a better ring for a future anniversary, when he's more well-off. Or maybe by then you won't care about a ring anymore, and you'll prefer a vacation at the bahamas instead! I don't want to get married in a court house without my family and friends present and without a wedding reception, etc. I understand that. You have your idea of what your wedding should be like. Don't compromise on that. Especially if your family's willing to pay for the reception. I'm not sure what the custom is for you, but where I live, generally parents pay for their part of guests, splitting the expense, so maybe you as the bride have 62 guests and he has the groom has 45, then you'll parents will cover for 62 and his parents will cover for 45. If he has no parents and already paid for the house, then your parents could pay for the whole reception. It's all about finding ways to make it work. My lease ends October 31, so in about a month. Do I pack up and move there or sign another 1-year lease in NYC? Sign another 1-year lease, that will remove all the pressure you're feeling. Even if you get engaged now, you can get married next summer (June or July, or even September). I don't want to be away from him for another year, but I will have no where to live October 31 A place to stay in NYC can also be used by the both of you. If you're striving financially, do a simple thing, like a buffet, not a 5-course meal... invite as many people as possible, and put a note with your invitation card and announcement, saying that donations will be very much appreciated (or something along those lines, google what's the best thing to write in this case). The wedding will soon be a thing of the past, and you'll be a bit relieved with some more money in your pocket. Also, as many people might send in money weeks and even months before the actual ceremony, you might use some of that money to meet up with him before getting married, or travel up and down to arrange things, going to job inteviews, etc. Again, we are not engaged, which is a huge deal for my VERY traditional family. I know for fact they would not support me if I packed my bags and moved 1,000 miles to be with my boyfriend - especially to live in the same house with him! He doesn't see the issue with this, however, and thinks it is a very traditional way of looking at marriage/co-habitation. Men have always complied with the bride's rules and customs to achieve their goal: marrying her. And it's always been a form of respect to show that they're willing to do whatever it takes to prove their love. He already knows how all of that is important to you, but it looks like he's being deaf to your needs, and that is not good. Make sure you have made him comfortable regarding your needs, not just being demanding financially (see for example my previous reasoning about the ring). I do not want to pressure him into engagement just for me to move. I want him to want this also so I don't know what to do/say. Well, I'm not sure why he doesn't want to be engaged with you. Is the ring the only problem? What else is there? I don't get it. Of course he must want it. But here it's like he's offering for a quickie, when you need some cuddling first. So if all he wants is the quickie, then to me it's starting on the wrong foot. First, because he can't value your needs as much as he values his (that'd be enough to call the whole thing off). Secondly, because his primary focus should be making/seeing you happy and let you make him happy, and that's not gonna happen with these preconditions. Thirdly, if he's not accepting of your traditions from the start (wedding), just expect a miserable life afterwards (Christmas and other gatherings/celebrations), full of arguing, fighting and resentment. Job prospects in the city he lives in are somewhat minimal in my field. Not impossible, but I definitely want to secure a job there before I move What happens after his 3 years of residency? You could move anywhere? I guess you need to look at the bigger picture, and find a place and permanent job where you want to form your family. You can just move here and there every couple years, but just know that with that, you'll be wasting more money, so keep that into account. we have talked significantly about me moving and October 31 is our target date. I feel like I would break his heart and let him down in a way - I want to make a rational decision, but I am so torn. Does anyone have any advice? What would you do? First of all, I would want to know what his take is on all I have written above. I would need to be 150% of the man I'm going to marry. Getting married ASAP just because you're both 31 doesn't seem like a good reason to me. First, you should get rid of some of the tension, pressure and stress. Then have an open talk with him about everything, letting him know that you must really feel you can share views and values to get married.
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