My gf doesn't understand appropriate relationship behaviour.

September 23, 2015

Your girlfriend is a mess. I'm a female, fyi. She's an exhibitionist and a big flirt and tease and it's only a matter of time until she cheats if she hasn't already. In no universe since the hippie commune days is it okay to walk around mostly naked in front of mixed company.

September 24, 2015

So my girlfriend had about 1/2 the diagnostic symptoms, she wasn't manipulative at all. In fact she was the complete opposite she was naive and innocent. She was known as high octane girl. Her doctor prescribed her Ritalin to calm her down. It helped her behave less histrionic.

I thought she was behaving like this on purpose for years however once I got to know her on a deeper level I realised that she has this condition. She behaved flirtatious with everyone, would even kiss girls for fun infront of other men! However at 29 was still a vigin and had never had an orgasm in her life, not even through masterbation. She asked me at age 29 what an orgasm felt like, she was innocent she had no idea.

After she had been married a year she opened up to me and said she tried oral sex with her husband but told him to stop because she felt uncomfortable with his head being down there.

So basically people can be the complete opposite to what you think they are based on their social behaviour, never judge a book but it's cover!

That's educating. she is lucky to have an understanding and defending friend like you.

September 24, 2015

OP, some girls are just for fun and pity to any guy that actually takes those girls seriously.

September 24, 2015

OP, some girls are just for fun and pity to any guy that actually takes those girls seriously.

But beware OP - she talks about marriage with you. Don't sleep with her after you've dumped her (actually you shouldn't sleep with her at all, just so you're safe) or else you might become another 'oops baby' victim.

September 24, 2015

See this above^^^^^^? This tell me that your not going to do anything about the situation and accept the complete disrespect she has for you.

Look. She's keeping you around on her terms and yours don't count for squat and until you understand that when someone completely disrespects you and you choose to look the other way or make shallow excuses for her then you better be prepared for an even bumpier road.

Look. Do yourself a favor and unload this one. She isn't right for you and she has no intentions of changing her behavior because she knows that you wont do anything about it so why should she. Not to mention that you can bet the house that all these other people that she's either acting out with or witnessing it are making you the butt of the jokes so your girlfriend isn't the only one disrespecting you. Move on and don't believe her lies when she says it wont happen again because it has how many times now, You mentioned 4 times and I'll bet there has been more.

Since the grinding incident at the club almost a year ago she had actually been a lot better and was keeping healthy boundaries with other guys and I felt like things would work out but since she started going to the gym with me regularly and watching the way she's been acting with guys there I've felt myself becoming emotionally detached and now after seeing her facebook pic with another guy i'm thinking that enough is enough and it's probably time to walk away.

I'm debating with myself whether I should just break up and if it's even worth having one final talk with her making it clear that I've had enough of her disrespect and i have one foot out the door and am ready to walk if she can't stop craving so much male attention. I think i'm fooling myself If I think I can make her change.

September 24, 2015

I don't believe that she is bored with me, she is very needy and clingy towards me and keeps bringing up us getting married and starting a family.

Of course she wants to marry you and have kids...

So she can have a babysitter and solid rock to pay the bills while she "plays".

Dude, you never had this chick at any time in this "RL"...dump her and move on. Let her go find some other chump to play games with and finance her lifestyle.

September 24, 2015

She has a histrionic personality type. She is not aware that her behaviour causes you emotional turmoil. You need to tell her because she isn't self ware.

I had a girlfriend like this. She used to sit on men's laps at work in the lunch room and feed them chocolate. Married men! We had to tell her not to do that, she had no idea it was inappropriate in the workforce and that men's penis'es can get erect. We would go out to clubs and she would dirty dance with the wall and other girlfriends, you name it she would be dancing sexy up against it. She had a boyfriend at the time.

She would have lunch with my boyfriend as soon as he got of the plane from a conference. Even though I had not seen him for a month! She would buy him a present every time she went overseas and for Xmas.

She would put food on her fork and feed it to male friends, even at work infront of us or out at dinner with friends.

Anyways she married that boyfriend after 4 years of dating then she lost her virginity to him after the wedding. She was 30 yrs old strict catholic (no sex before married). She waited till marriage to have sex.

She had no self awareness into her social behaviour with others because she had a histrionic personality. They are not deliberately behaving like this to hurt you. They can be virgins till marriage. They have been married now for 3 years and just had their 1st child.

Once you recognise the personality type you can accept that it's just a part of her. Read a few books on histrionic personalities, see if you can see any similarities.

oh pleeze...

No disorders here. No medical diagnosis..

She is simply a selfish and self-centered person who is VERY aware of what she's doing. And why stop if he doesn't stand up for himself and/or leave?

If you wanna ascribe a "condition" to her, sure...she's a sociopath and narcissist. They are selfish, self absorbed, and don't care who they hurt to get their way. Actually, some even take pleausure in hurting and/or playing others.

September 24, 2015

I'm debating with myself whether I should just break up and if it's even worth having one final talk with her making it clear that I've had enough of her disrespect and i have one foot out the door and am ready to walk if she can't stop craving so much male attention. I think i'm fooling myself If I think I can make her change.

You are fooling yourself.

And if you stay with her, you'll have at least 13 more "final talks".

SHE. IS. NOT. GOING. TO. CHANGE.

DUMP. HER.

Periods for pause and emphasis. Because you are an idiot if you see past the weekend with her being your girlfriend.

September 24, 2015

oh pleeze...

No disorders here. No medical diagnosis..

She is simply a selfish and self-centered person who is VERY aware of what she's doing. And why stop if he doesn't stand up for himself and/or leave?

If you wanna ascribe a "condition" to her, sure...she's a sociopath and narcissist. They are selfish, self absorbed, and don't care who they hurt to get their way. Actually, some even take pleausure in hurting and/or playing others.

Thank you!!!!! Very well said!!! Lol.

September 24, 2015

She has a histrionic personality type. She is not aware that her behaviour causes you emotional turmoil. You need to tell her because she isn't self ware.

I had a girlfriend like this. She used to sit on men's laps at work in the lunch room and feed them chocolate. Married men! We had to tell her not to do that, she had no idea it was inappropriate in the workforce and that men's penis'es can get erect. We would go out to clubs and she would dirty dance with the wall and other girlfriends, you name it she would be dancing sexy up against it. She had a boyfriend at the time.

She would have lunch with my boyfriend as soon as he got of the plane from a conference. Even though I had not seen him for a month! She would buy him a present every time she went overseas and for Xmas.

She would put food on her fork and feed it to male friends, even at work infront of us or out at dinner with friends.

Anyways she married that boyfriend after 4 years of dating then she lost her virginity to him after the wedding. She was 30 yrs old strict catholic (no sex before married). She waited till marriage to have sex.

She had no self awareness into her social behaviour with others because she had a histrionic personality. They are not deliberately behaving like this to hurt you. They can be virgins till marriage. They have been married now for 3 years and just had their 1st child.

Once you recognise the personality type you can accept that it's just a part of her. Read a few books on histrionic personalities, see if you can see any similarities.

Are you a psychologist, and if so, have you treated this woman?

September 24, 2015

Anyways she married that boyfriend after 4 years of dating then she lost her virginity to him after the wedding. She was 30 yrs old strict catholic (no sex before married). She waited till marriage to have sex.

She had no self awareness into her social behaviour with others because she had a histrionic personality. They are not deliberately behaving like this to hurt you.

I know someone who fits this description to a tee. She married a bit younger than 30, but she was a Catholic and a virgin. She was professionally evaluated with the MMPI-2 and diagnosed as histrionic, and extremely somatic (and probably some conversion tendencies).

They have virtually no ability for introspection and are extremely manipulative. And it's true that it's not necessarily intended to hurt another so much as being an immature default strategy for trying to get their needs met. But there is also an antisocial aspect and they're certainly not going to lose any sleep over how anyone else feels. And they are disinhibited. It's really an interesting disorder. These are the patients that Freud worked with in developing the first important theories of psychology... the thing the Greeks used to characterize as a wandering uterus.

This one that I know is a PhD in the sciences and has a position of some responsibility, but she only works from home now via phone and computer. It seems that she was prone (pun intended) to lunchtime rendezvous with coworkers and wasn't particularly discreet about it. She just didn't see it as a big deal. And the fact that she was cheating on her husband (yes, still married) wasn't a problem for her either––no conscience, no remorse. The husband pretends to be oblivious, but there is no way he doesn't know. Apparently they haven't had relations since the first couple of years of marriage, and he is celibate while she is quite active with one primary and several occasional men "taking care" of her as she refers to it. I wrote a paper on her, and the disorder(s), for a psych class.

September 24, 2015

I know someone who fits this description to a tee. She married a bit younger than 30, but she was a Catholic and a virgin. She was professionally evaluated with the MMPI-2 and diagnosed as histrionic, and extremely somatic (and probably some conversion tendencies).

They have virtually no ability for introspection and are extremely manipulative. And it's true that it's not necessarily intended to hurt another so much as being an immature default strategy for trying to get their needs met. But there is also an antisocial aspect and they're certainly not going to lose any sleep over how anyone else feels. And they are disinhibited. It's really an interesting disorder. These are the patients that Freud worked with in developing the first important theories of psychology... the thing the Greeks used to characterize as a wandering uterus.

This one that I know is a PhD in the sciences and has a position of some responsibility, but she only works from home now via phone and computer. It seems that she was prone (pun intended) to lunchtime rendezvous with coworkers and wasn't particularly discreet about it. She just didn't see it as a big deal. And the fact that she was cheating on her husband (yes, still married) wasn't a problem for her either––no conscience, no remorse. The husband pretends to be oblivious, but there is no way he doesn't know. Apparently they haven't had relations since the first couple of years of marriage, and he is celibate while she is quite active with one primary and several occasional men "taking care" of her as she refers to it. I wrote a paper on her, and the disorder(s), for a psych class.

Got it......

Problem is that the OP and some people are looking for a "condition", "diagnosis", and/or some sort of "disorder" to excuse the bad behavior and have an excuse to stick around and try to "fix"/"cure" the person.

Look, at the end of the day, IMO, if the person indeed has some disorder, then they still are at fault if they don't seek treatment and jus expect the world to take their crap.

September 24, 2015

At the end of the day, if they aren't your patient/client, you don't diagnose them

September 24, 2015

At the end of the day, if they aren't your patient/client, you don't diagnose them

Eh, there's a big difference between descriptive terms on a forum vs. diagnosing in a professional context, and this is a forum btw. I do think it would be preferable to qualify it by using an adjective such as "suspected" or "diagnosed" with the nouns... but that's about as likely as stifling those annoying acronyms. Personally, I think you should quit trying to police the forums as if you have some authority to make up rules or limit how others use words.

September 24, 2015

Eh, there's a big difference between descriptive terms on a forum vs. diagnosing in a professional context, and this is a forum btw. I do think it would be preferable to qualify it by using an adjective such as "suspected" or "diagnosed" with the nouns... but that's about as likely as stifling those annoying acronyms. Personally, I think you should quit trying to police the forums as if you have some authority to make up rules or limit how others use words.

Well than...there ya go

September 24, 2015

Gosh,I'm sorry but your girlfriend sounds HORRIBLE. Her behaviour is so disrespectful and honestly you are a saint to tolerate it as you have. It sounds like you need to lay down the law. Let her know that you haven't certain standards and expectations and she is violating them. She is either horribly believe or (and I believe this is the correct answer) pushing boundaries for attention. She almost sounds cruel.

September 24, 2015

Got it......

Problem is that the OP and some people are looking for a "condition", "diagnosis", and/or some sort of "disorder" to excuse the bad behavior and have an excuse to stick around and try to "fix"/"cure" the person.

Look, at the end of the day, IMO, if the person indeed has some disorder, then they still are at fault if they don't seek treatment and jus expect the world to take their crap.

I agree, and when I say someone's behavior is similar to traits of a personality disorder, it's not said as an excuse or a reason to stay. It's more that I am trying to ring an alarm bell. Hey, something's not right here. Can you tolerate this indefinitely? Is this the kind of person you really want to marry and parent your future children with?

Whether you give it a label or not- traits like lying, excessive need for validation, being inconsiderate or oblivious to the feelings of the person you love- are serious problems if you are in a relationship. Sometimes it's selfishness and immaturity, and those people can evolve and change. Other times it's a personality disorder. It's smart to consider all possibilities when deciding to spend your life with someone.

September 25, 2015

I'm a pretty chill guy and I'd run a mile from her. It might suck to begin with but you'll be better off in the long run mate, go for it, asap.

September 25, 2015

Got it......

Problem is that the OP and some people are looking for a "condition", "diagnosis", and/or some sort of "disorder" to excuse the bad behavior and have an excuse to stick around and try to "fix"/"cure" the person.

Look, at the end of the day, IMO, if the person indeed has some disorder, then they still are at fault if they don't seek treatment and jus expect the world to take their crap.

Interesting... you're saying that a diagnosis constitutes an excuse to stick around, i.e., to fix the person? Do people really think that way?

When it comes to choosing to whom you make yourself vulnerable, there are no excuses. Behavioral patterns consistent with the PD criteria are reasons to get the hell out yesterday, not excuses to stick around... label or no label.

Nobody has ever been cured of a personality disorder. They are long-standing patterns of maladaptive behavior; improper and immature ways of dealing with people, problems and situations. They perceive differently and don't feel like they are doing anything wrong, and therefore have no motivation to change. Studies on twins suggest that these illnesses are strongly heritable.

In other words, it is what it is. Once you become aware it's a yes|no proposition––fix is not an option. I guess we tend to assume that people understand these things, even though it is a rather niche type of knowledge.

September 25, 2015

Interesting... you're saying that a diagnosis constitutes an excuse to stick around, i.e., to fix the person? Do people really think that way?

When it comes to choosing to whom you make yourself vulnerable, there are no excuses. Behavioral patterns consistent with the PD criteria are reasons to get the hell out yesterday, not excuses to stick around... label or no label.

Nobody has ever been cured of a personality disorder. They are long-standing patterns of maladaptive behavior; improper and immature ways of dealing with people, problems and situations. They perceive differently and don't feel like they are doing anything wrong, and therefore have no motivation to change. Studies on twins suggest that these illnesses are strongly heritable.

In other words, it is what it is. Once you become aware it's a yes|no proposition––fix is not an option. I guess we tend to assume that people understand these things, even though it is a rather niche type of knowledge.

Exactly. I don't see suggesting a diagnosis as anyone's way to encourage the OP to stick around. I see it as: She has a mental disease, and people with mental diseases are scary and incurable and don't deserve relationships because they are inherently bad.

THIS woman is one the OP needs to run from because of her behavior. I see the diagnosis as a separate, "too damaged to be dateable", stigma category.

September 29, 2015

Just a quick update for anyone that's interested.

I decided to end it with her, I accept now that she will never be truly happy with just me and she will always crave attention from other guys. She has moved in to her mums and I've blocked her so I don't get tempted to respond to her.

Thanks to everyone who gave me advice. The more I think about it, the more I know i've made the right decision.

September 29, 2015

Sounds like to me you've made the right decision too. I don't know how a man can be with someone who disrespects them the way you've described. I hope in due time that you find a really good relationship where you get the respect you deserve. Let us know how it goes.

September 29, 2015

I think that she is not the cheating type, just a woman who has no healthy boundaries at all. She craves the attention and has so little self that she gives everything of her to everyone. And yes, then it could happen that at some point she is drunk and a guy takes advantage of that.

I would end the relationship because you will only have trouble and heartbreak with her.

Edited September 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

September 30, 2015

Haven't read all the replies, but I'd be shocked if I'm saying anything different than the others.

Your girlfriend is a disrespectful ho and probably shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone at the moment. She most likely DOES understand appropriate boundaries but simply chooses not to follow them. She enjoys the attention from random guys and her many "friends." She doesn't care that her actions hurt you and probably even enjoys watching you get a little jealous and insecure.

If this is her behavior in front of you, just imagine what she does behind your back. Break up with her. Your only mistake is that you didn't do this much earlier on.

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My gf doesn't understand appropriate relationship behaviour.

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