My gf doesn't understand appropriate relationship behaviour.

[advi]

I have been with my girlfriend for close to 3 years and i am seriously considering ending the relationship as these issues keep occuring and i'd like opinions whether i'm overreacting or not.

 

 

Near the start of our relationship i went to the beach with her and a group of her friends and co-workers, i went in the sea with some of the guys while my girlfriend sunbathed. When i came back one of her co-workers was giving her a massage. I was annoyed but didn't want to make a scene so ignored it, then after a while i hear my girlfriend shout "oi" and i find out later on that this guy had pulled her bikini bottoms down (not fully) yet after this she still let him continue massaging her. She told me afterwards that she needed someone to rub suncream on her back but i was in the sea so she let this guy do it instead and she seemed genuinely surprised that i was mad.

 

 

The 2nd incident we were at a friends house drinking and my friend stole her seat while she was standing up, he doesn't move so she sits on his lap to annoy him. Then at the exact same time i notice that she turns around to look at him with a smile on her face and he's smiling too but they don't say anything and it's obvious that he got an erection. Still she stays on his lap and doesn't think of moving. When i confront her afterwards she tells me that she didn't think it was that bigof a deal but assures me that it wouldn't happen again.

 

 

Shortly after she moves in with me, a couple of my friends are at the house when our ocado delivery arrives, my girlfriend proceeds to walk out of the bedroom in just a bra and thong while she looks what has arrived and stands there for a good minute or two giving my friends a show. I tried telling her how inappropriate this was but she didn't understand and said she should feel free to walk around her home in her underwear and that she was only checking if certain things had been delivered or not and again she told me it wouldn't happen again but still didn't think it was a big deal.

 

 

The 4th incident we were at a club and my girlfriend was wearing this tight dress which was getting her a lot of attention and these drunk guys approached her while she was dancing with her friends, now granted my girlfriend was drunk too but she had no objection and was all smiles as these guys are almost fighting over who gets to grind on her ass. She once again didn't think it was a big deal and told me that's how everyone dances in clubs. We came close to splitting up after this but she pleaded and convinced me that she wouldn't do anything to hurt me again.

 

 

We've been going to the gym together more often recently and i've noticed how she is happy for random guys to interrupt her workout and she will stand around talking to them for ages and she must know that these guys are not talking to her because they want to make a friend. I haven't talked to her about it because i have no evidence of any flirting so she could turn it around on me and call me insecure, or a hypocrite because i'm friendly with one of the female trainers.

 

 

She uploaded some pics on facebook and one of them was of her friend with one arm around her and his other hand intimately holding her arm. Anyone looking at the pic would assume that he is her boyfriend and i just feel so disrespected and i feel like she is a puppy pushing boundaries who constantly needs to be told how to behave and i'm getting sick of it.

 

 

I have had some trust issues because of all this so i've checked her phone and other than one borderline inappropriate conversation a couple of years ago she has proved herself trustworthy and handled it well when guys have been hitting on her so i do feel like she has good intentions, but questionable morals considering how she has behaved. I don't know whether to lose an otherwise perfect girlfriend over this.

Opinions?

[Diezel]

Stopped halfway through the story.

 

Break up with her.

She is not an "otherwise" perfect girlfriend. She's imperfect, just as everyone else. You are just willing to be a doormat for her because she probably "looks good". It's not worth it and it's only going to get worse.

[love1336x]

I read the whole story, and wow you have taken a lot. The question is, why have you? Do you have low self-esteem? She's CLEARLY does not care about how you feel, and does not RESPECT you or your relationship.

She isn't happy with you. Its very clear sign that she's bored with you, and wants more of something that you are not giving her.

 

 

I am sure you're a nice man, and she keeps you around because of that, but rest of sure the moment she does find a man who keeps her spark running, you're gone. I promise you that.

[advi]

I read the whole story, and wow you have taken a lot. The question is, why have you? Do you have low self-esteem? She's CLEARLY does not care about how you feel, and does not RESPECT you or your relationship.

She isn't happy with you. Its very clear sign that she's bored with you, and wants more of something that you are not giving her.

 

 

I am sure you're a nice man, and she keeps you around because of that, but rest of sure the moment she does find a man who keeps her spark running, you're gone. I promise you that.

 

 

 

I don't believe that she is bored with me, she is very needy and clingy towards me and keeps bringing up us getting married and starting a family.

[autumnnight]

This is a girl who wants to do what she wants to do no matter how you feel. She is being selfish.

[kgcolonel]

yep....walk now, the more invested you get, the greater the pain when she really steps across the line and thinks it's no big deal. Walk and look for a girl that will truly respect you. You deserve that. She will break you down if you let her.

[bachdude]

You need to learn to just pull the plug on the evening in such extremely disrespectful situations.

 

 

After she's done letting guys grind her, stick their woody on her, pull her bikini down, and get a free peep shows, just get up, leave, and never look back.

[BlueIris]

I’d break up with a guy who acted like that, so I agree with the advice to break up with her. But if I were dating an extremely sexy flirtatious guy, I wouldn't expect him to completely change personality just because we were dating- and you are just dating. You're not engaged or married, and that's a bright line for some people.

 

Generally, it’s a catch-22 for people who are sexy and flirtatious to stop being that way once they get into an exclusive relationship. He might have even picked her for being sexy and flirtatious. It’s a catch-22 for the guys too because what attracted him to her might be something he wants her to stop now that they’re a couple. From what I’ve read here, there are some men who acknowledge that they love their sex kitten being a sex kitten and might even get turned on by her continued sex kitten ways, so long as she goes home with him. It’s a tough one.

[d0nnivain]

I don't believe that she is bored with me, she is very needy and clingy towards me and keeps bringing up us getting married and starting a family.

 

 

She's an attention seeker. She seeks validation by how many men she can have fawning over her. She will not change because you got married. She will not change & may get worse after having children. When her body changes she will need more attention & validation to believe that she is still attractive.

 

 

Marry her at your own peril & be prepared to get used to these displays or spend your life angry.

[stillafool]

How on earth do you stand her? Breakup, breakup, breakup!

[Maggie4]

She didn't do anything wrong to you. What I mean is, you don't need to demonize her and feel like a victim.

 

This isn't about you, it is how she is. There are plenty of single women who would not do the things she did. Much of it has to do with upbringing, and I don't think your gf can change, she wouldn't know how to be someone else.

 

Yes, it is sad to see, cos those guys playing with her, might be thinking "thank goodness she is not MY gf! Ha ha.." This is what happens when young ladies do not receive proper guidance growing up.

 

You probably will leave her, but there is no reason to hate her.

[Qboro90]

If I were you I would have 1 last conversation with her where you flat out say "listen, you need to make a decision about how serious you view our relationship. If at ___(her age) you still enjoy/want/get off on the attention and flirtation other guys give you and need that ego boost of knowing you're a desirable and attractive girl then I'm at the point where it's not something I can put up with anymore. The respect I give you by not entertaining other girls who smile at me when we're out, by not putting my hands on another girl, friend or stranger, or letting them put their hands on me, having girls sit on my lap when we are out, etc.. Is all pretty basic common courtesy and respect that I expect to be given in return from who ever I'm dating. This is something that's been on my mind for a while bothering me and as much as I love you, I know you're not naive enough to think that any self respecting guy would put up with his gf doing.

 

Either she is satisfied with you and the attention and care you give her, or she can be single and have as many guys chase and fawn after her as she wants. If one of her friends was rubbing suntan lotion on your thighs and then pulled your shorts down playfully... Would she laugh and say "haha you got him", or would you think "yo wtf, I'm the only person that's allowed to touch my boyfriend and view him intimately".

 

If you continue to let her get away with it by giving her one more chance and believe her "I didn't know any better", "he's just a friend relax", "even if he likes me, it's not like I like him so what's the big deal if I answer his texts", "I had no idea that you'd be upset by that" then you can bet she's going to push the boundaries further and further until you're a complete doormat.

 

She needs to respect you and know you won't put up with this anymore. Call her out on it and stick to your guns, let her know you're serious and at the very last straw before leaving her.

[loveflower]

oh, come one...It's not good that she is flirty, acting inappropriately and seeking attention.......BUT, at least she is not cheating on you, right.

 

so, it's bad, but not that bad.

 

for the record, cohabitation is not that moral either!

[lana-banana]

It sounds like she's a serial attention-seeker; she's only truly happy when all eyes (or hands) are on her. As others have said, this has nothing to do with you. But without professional counseling and a concerted effort on her part, she is unlikely to change. I would break up with her if this behavior bothers you so much. Personally I would never tolerate it.

 

Women like this do not age well. I have known several who, upon realizing they were now too old to catch the gaze of every man who passed them by, had existential meltdowns. They didn't know how to function without a steady stream of attention all day long.

[craw]

I don't understand why you accepted this behavior and allowed her to move in. I mean come on, three years??

[love1336x]

I don't believe that she is bored with me, she is very needy and clingy towards me and keeps bringing up us getting married and starting a family.

 

So, you want to married an attention seeker who doesn't value you as a man, nor respect your relationship? No offensive, this would be way better if she did this behind your back, but she doing this directly in your face because she knows you won't break up with her. She knows you're stuck on her. You're safe, and she feels like she can do and say whatever she wants.

If you're okay with this be with her but there are other women who wouldn't at least do this in your face. Lmao.

[Stage5Clinger]

Dump her and don't think twice about it. She is cheating on you!

[Dolfin80]

She has a histrionic personality type. She is not aware that her behaviour causes you emotional turmoil. You need to tell her because she isn't self ware.

 

I had a girlfriend like this. She used to sit on men's laps at work in the lunch room and feed them chocolate. Married men! We had to tell her not to do that, she had no idea it was inappropriate in the workforce and that men's penis'es can get erect. We would go out to clubs and she would dirty dance with the wall and other girlfriends, you name it she would be dancing sexy up against it. She had a boyfriend at the time.

 

She would have lunch with my boyfriend as soon as he got of the plane from a conference. Even though I had not seen him for a month! She would buy him a present every time she went overseas and for Xmas.

 

She would put food on her fork and feed it to male friends, even at work infront of us or out at dinner with friends.

 

Anyways she married that boyfriend after 4 years of dating then she lost her virginity to him after the wedding. She was 30 yrs old strict catholic (no sex before married). She waited till marriage to have sex.

 

She had no self awareness into her social behaviour with others because she had a histrionic personality. They are not deliberately behaving like this to hurt you. They can be virgins till marriage. They have been married now for 3 years and just had their 1st child.

 

Once you recognise the personality type you can accept that it's just a part of her. Read a few books on histrionic personalities, see if you can see any similarities.

Edited September 23, 2015 by Dolfin80

[Diezel]

I don't believe that she is bored with me, she is very needy and clingy towards me and keeps bringing up us getting married and starting a family.

 

Those are words she keeps saying to keep you hooked in and invested. Her actions speak otherwise.

 

You need to learn to value actions over words.

 

You'll be a divorce story down the road, one of the ones where half your assets are taken away and you are wondering where it went wrong.

[advi]

She has a histrionic personality type. She is not aware that her behaviour causes you emotional turmoil. You need to tell her because she isn't self ware.

 

I had a girlfriend like this. She used to sit on men's laps at work in the lunch room and feed them chocolate. Married men! We had to tell her not to do that, she had no idea it was inappropriate in the workforce and that men's penis'es can get erect. We would go out to clubs and she would dirty dance with the wall and other girlfriends, you name it she would be dancing sexy up against it. She had a boyfriend at the time.

 

She would have lunch with my boyfriend as soon as he got of the plane from a conference. Even though I had not seen him for a month! She would buy him a present every time she went overseas and for Xmas.

 

She would put food on her fork and feed it to male friends, even at work infront of us or out at dinner with friends.

 

Anyways she married that boyfriend after 4 years of dating then she lost her virginity to him after the wedding. She was 30 yrs old strict catholic (no sex before married). She waited till marriage to have sex.

 

She had no self awareness into her social behaviour with others because she had a histrionic personality. They are not deliberately behaving like this to hurt you. They can be virgins till marriage. They have been married now for 3 years and just had their 1st child.

 

Once you recognise the personality type you can accept that it's just a part of her. Read a few books on histrionic personalities, see if you can see any similarities.

 

 

 

 

I looked this up and you may be right, she certainly has many of the symptoms

[bubbaganoosh]

I don't believe that she is bored with me, she is very needy and clingy towards me and keeps bringing up us getting married and starting a family.

 

See this above^^^^^^? This tell me that your not going to do anything about the situation and accept the complete disrespect she has for you.

 

Look. She's keeping you around on her terms and yours don't count for squat and until you understand that when someone completely disrespects you and you choose to look the other way or make shallow excuses for her then you better be prepared for an even bumpier road.

 

 

Look. Do yourself a favor and unload this one. She isn't right for you and she has no intentions of changing her behavior because she knows that you wont do anything about it so why should she. Not to mention that you can bet the house that all these other people that she's either acting out with or witnessing it are making you the butt of the jokes so your girlfriend isn't the only one disrespecting you. Move on and don't believe her lies when she says it wont happen again because it has how many times now, You mentioned 4 times and I'll bet there has been more.

[No Limit]

I quit reading after the first 10 lines. She has no boundaries and doesn't care about you in the slightest. Run run run. Next!

[Quiet Storm]

Histrionic personality disorder is in the same cluster as narcissistic, borderline and antisocial. It is not something to take lightly. I'm not saying she has this, I just wanted to point this out because a previous poster mentioned it. It is a serious disorder and those that have it are very manipulative.

 

Regardless of why she does this, the bottom line is that it makes you uncomfortable. Continuing to do it is very disrespectful to you. She craves attention, and even if she manages to control her behavior, the motivating factor-that need for attention- will still be there. She may behave for awhile, and then after you're married, it could resurface and she starts doing it again, or something else like sending pics to guys on the internet.

 

She has poor boundaries. It is possible for her to learn proper boundaries. But the first thing she has to do is accept that her behavior is wrong, and have a genuine desire to change.

 

She isn't considerate of your feelings. Her behavior basically shows that her need for attention is more important than being considerate to you. Even if she is just a naive girl with no boundaries, she is not thinking of your feelings, and you are the guy she loves and wants to marry. That's not good- a marriage is a team, a partnership and consideration for each other is necessary for it to work.

 

I think you should really think about if you want to marry her. How much can you tolerate? What do you need in a relationship to be happy? How important is loyalty and respect to you? Is she capable of being the wife you need, is she capable of being the kind of mom you want for your kids? Can you trust her?

[Dolfin80]

I looked this up and you may be right, she certainly has many of the symptoms

 

So my girlfriend had about 1/2 the diagnostic symptoms, she wasn't manipulative at all. In fact she was the complete opposite she was naive and innocent. She was known as high octane girl. Her doctor prescribed her Ritalin to calm her down. It helped her behave less histrionic.

 

I thought she was behaving like this on purpose for years however once I got to know her on a deeper level I realised that she has this condition. She behaved flirtatious with everyone, would even kiss girls for fun infront of other men! However at 29 was still a vigin and had never had an orgasm in her life, not even through masterbation. She asked me at age 29 what an orgasm felt like, she was innocent she had no idea.

 

After she had been married a year she opened up to me and said she tried oral sex with her husband but told him to stop because she felt uncomfortable with his head being down there.

 

So basically people can be the complete opposite to what you think they are based on their social behaviour, never judge a book but it's cover!

Edited September 23, 2015 by Dolfin80

[Dolfin80]

Histrionic personality disorder is in the same cluster as narcissistic, borderline and antisocial. It is not something to take lightly. I'm not saying she has this, I just wanted to point this out because a previous poster mentioned it. It is a serious disorder and those that have it are very manipulative.

 

 

You can have symptoms of it not the full blown version. It's based on a spectrum. You can have histronic traits but not the full blown histronic disorder. My friend is not manipulative at all. She is genuinely sorry when her behaviour upsets someone. When we told her not to sit on guys laps at work, she burst into tears cause she had no idea she was upsetting anyone, Her doctor prescribes her Ritalin to calm her down. She just has all the sexual flirtatious behaviour yet she was a virgin.

Edited September 23, 2015 by Dolfin80