emi Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone, Im having a LDR with a german guy. He visited. It was great. He went home. We have been communicating daily and going steady. The problem is the next visit. We planned to have it on December, we want to spend new year together, and we dont want to wait more to see each other again. After many discusion, he thinks its best for me to apply for a visit visa there in december for 2 weeks. Then he can save more days of work than if he comes to me. He went to some Office to get some paper done today. So i sat down with my parents and told them i will try to apply for a visa, if it got accepted then i will be away from home for 2 weeks. My dad knows vaguely about me seeing him, from my mom, and the fact i always spending time in my room talking with my boy friend. And he didnt say a word about it. I let it, until today. When i finally sat him down, and told him about it, he started to be cycnical. He said that how i know my boyfriend was a trustworthy guy, and if something happened, what can he do, and its easy for any white guy to come to my country so it couldnt consider an effort, and how i am acting like a desperate young girl who want to go abroad for an free easy life and other mean stuffs. I told him we have been talking daily everyday, and it has been a long time so I trust him. Otherwise i wouldnt be dating him, i cant give my dad a reason why, i just do. And he should meet my boyfriend before he jumps to conclusion. In the end of the conversation, he said he wont allow me to go on vacation with my boyfriend if he come here, or come to his country even if i got my visa accepted. I am furious. What should i do? Move out? Not an option, i need them to pay for my surgery. Im still study, have a part-time job that earns enough allowance. My surgery would be in January. And he also planned to visit me after my surgery, which maybe Febuary. Background: I'm a vietnamese. This country engraved some old-fashioned, unreasonable culture. Kids arent allowed to do things they want. Girls cant have sex before marriage, boys are better than girls, big wedding... Kind of stuffs. I dont see things the way they do, I'm an outcast I just want to be together with my guy. We have enough problem with distance, we are trying to stay strong. Why things keep getting harder Edit : Thread title should be " what to do with my parents?" Edited September 22, 2015 by emi
d0nnivain Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 As long as you are economically & emotionally dependent on another, their rules control. When you are ready to stand on your own two feet then you can make your own decisions. I can understand why you are not in position to do so now between school & your health. So you are stuck. If the parents say no, then the answer is no, until you can move out & pay for yourself in all respects (travel, education, health etc). Don't waste time & money getting a visa you won't use. Invite your guy back & start saving your money. I hope your surgery does go well.
Author emi Posted September 22, 2015 Author Posted September 22, 2015 Hey, Thanks for reply. I knew my chance of getting a visa is low. And, honestly i wouldnt want to go on vacation when my surgery is near. But he wants me to try to apply so its less day off work for him. Also, i want to see him. How can i say no and refuse to try for us? That would make it look like im not willing to work on the relationship. Also, hes paying for everything, visa fee, plane ticke, travel fee... How can i say no..
d0nnivain Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 How can i say no and refuse to try for us? That would make it look like im not willing to work on the relationship. Also, hes paying for everything, visa fee, plane ticke, travel fee... How can i say no.. You say no by using logic & reason. It's only 1 extra day for him. BFD. You are also not saying no. You are saying not now. If you ever expect your family to accept your relationship, he needs to go out of his way to honor them & their traditions. If you wait & plan better with more advanced notice and after your surgery, you have a much better chance of succeeding. If you go against your parents' wishes they could hate him for your decision. Then where will you be? You blow a chance for long term family harmony in favor of a vacation. Get your priorities in order.
Els Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 (edited) Hey, Thanks for reply. I knew my chance of getting a visa is low. And, honestly i wouldnt want to go on vacation when my surgery is near. But he wants me to try to apply so its less day off work for him. Also, i want to see him. How can i say no and refuse to try for us? That would make it look like im not willing to work on the relationship. Also, hes paying for everything, visa fee, plane ticke, travel fee... How can i say no.. If a couple is from radically different countries and cultures (and German and Vietnamese cultures are as different as you can get), then both people need to make an effort to understand the other person's culture. In this situation I don't think you have much of a choice if you are financially dependent on your parents, you just have to stick things out until you graduate. Your bf needs to try to understand this, even if he doesn't agree with it. Yes it's unreasonable IMO that a 20-yo woman 'isn't allowed' to travel by herself on a ticket that is already paid for, but as long as you are dependent on your parents you just have to do as they wish. If he cares about you he would understand that you need to do what you need to do for your health and future. If you had already finished your studies and were NOT financially dependent on your parents, my answer would be different. Edited September 23, 2015 by Elswyth
Author emi Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 If a couple is from radically different countries and cultures (and German and Vietnamese cultures are as different as you can get), then both people need to make an effort to understand the other person's culture. In this situation I don't think you have much of a choice if you are financially dependent on your parents, you just have to stick things out until you graduate. Your bf needs to try to understand this, even if he doesn't agree with it. Yes it's unreasonable IMO that a 20-yo woman 'isn't allowed' to travel by herself on a ticket that is already paid for, but as long as you are dependent on your parents you just have to do as they wish. If he cares about you he would understand that you need to do what you need to do for your health and future. If you had already finished your studies and were NOT financially dependent on your parents, my answer would be different. Im a vietnamese too. But i dont understand the logic behind this. And well, since i dont, it making me unwilling to obey. But god damn i totally understand the my house my rule kind of thing
Els Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Im a vietnamese too. But i dont understand the logic behind this. And well, since i dont, it making me unwilling to obey. But god damn i totally understand the my house my rule kind of thing There isn't usually much logic behind many cultural norms IMO. And unfortunately Asian cultures tend to have extremely conservative expectations of women. I would encourage you to be financially independent of your parents as soon as you possibly can so that you can make the decisions for your own life.
SandraTempleton Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Hi Emy, I hope my reply finds you doing okay. I was thinking about what you wrote and thought that I should tell you a story that might help you see things from your parents' point of view. When I was 21 years old, I met a guy in Seattle at a night club that was only visiting for about a week. Dan was also American but he was living and working with the US army in Germany at the time. We spent most of that week together when I wasn't in school and he wasn't working. Eventually he had to head back to Germany. We ended up staying in touch and having long conversations almost every day on the phone for the 2 months following his leaving. He invited me to visit him in Stuttgart and I was hell bent on going. Not only did I want to see Germany but I also wanted to see this amazing guy. I asked my Dad (who works for the airlines and can get special employee pricing tickets) to help me get a ticket to Germany. And do you know what he said? He said no, and not just no it was more like a NO. I will not help you to get a ticket until this man comes to meet me. And at the time I was furious with my Dad. Why he couldn't understand where I was coming from and how much I wanted to go and see Dan. I will tell you though, I told Dan the terms of my Dad's conditions and it seemed like after that things just dropped off. The phone calls dried up, he was very distant when we did talk, and eventually we just stopped contacting each other. As previously stated, I was angry at my Dad for telling me he would not help me to get a plane ticket. But now that I am a little older and a little wiser his reasoning and rationalization makes perfect sense. My recommendation for you Emi, is to invite this guy to come and visit you in Vietnam for New Years. If you think it is something serious then introduce him to your family. I believe that will help him to earn your father's trust and respect. And if he hesitates at the idea of losing a day at work, well there's your answer. 3
Author emi Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 He doesnt just save one day at works, he can save 2 weeks. And before when he was here he wanted to meet my parents, i just didnt like the idea, because I think it was too soon. Anyway, I really do think im better off staying home
SandraTempleton Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 I think if you want to go and visit him in Germany, you need to lay some ground work now. If he comes to Vietnam for New Years I think you should let him meet your parents. That doesn't mean he has to stay with them. Maybe you guys could all go out to dinner or something? I know there are cultural differences that might make these things harder but I'm just trying to make suggestions. Best of luck to you and your guy Emi!
justwhoiam Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 If you can tell, what kind of surgery do you need? Is it risky? Is it expensive in Vietnam? Will you recover right away, or will it need time to recover afterwards? I think your father is being a bit strict, but he has a point. He's putting a value on you. As suggested in a previous post, plan a visit to him after your surgery, after he has met your parents, after everything feels more comfortable. Your parents need to know where you'll be staying at all times (address and everything). You don't have to be with your boyfriend and cancel your heritage in the process. You are the young lady you are because of the (or despite) the ways your parents raised you, the values they taught you, the environment you grew up in, etc. Let it all be a plus that makes you unique. If your boyfriend is meant to stay in your life, he will and will like all of that. Watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding, if you haven't already. And if you already did, no harm in warching it again. It's not just Asian countries having rules, big weddings, discriminating boys and girls. Europe will feel less distant. I'm not sure how serious you feel with this German guy. I'm not sure if you already had sex with him. I guess you should wait for that and make sure he's serious about you. And if that's the case, you'll need to talk about the practical things of your relationship (where, when, how...)
Author emi Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 I think if you want to go and visit him in Germany, you need to lay some ground work now. If he comes to Vietnam for New Years I think you should let him meet your parents. That doesn't mean he has to stay with them. Maybe you guys could all go out to dinner or something? I know there are cultural differences that might make these things harder but I'm just trying to make suggestions. Best of luck to you and your guy Emi! Thank you for all of your input Sandra What is ground work? Well, sure i need to show him to my parents when he comes here again. Regardless i like it or not. It feel kinda strange, i dont want my parents to know anything about my personal life. I just hope that they will let us travel together, which seems unlikely to happen. LDR is hard, we need every moment we can together, and they just dont understand this
Author emi Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 If you can tell, what kind of surgery do you need? Is it risky? Is it expensive in Vietnam? Will you recover right away, or will it need time to recover afterwards? I think your father is being a bit strict, but he has a point. He's putting a value on you. As suggested in a previous post, plan a visit to him after your surgery, after he has met your parents, after everything feels more comfortable. Your parents need to know where you'll be staying at all times (address and everything). You don't have to be with your boyfriend and cancel your heritage in the process. You are the young lady you are because of the (or despite) the ways your parents raised you, the values they taught you, the environment you grew up in, etc. Let it all be a plus that makes you unique. If your boyfriend is meant to stay in your life, he will and will like all of that. Watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding, if you haven't already. And if you already did, no harm in warching it again. It's not just Asian countries having rules, big weddings, discriminating boys and girls. Europe will feel less distant. I'm not sure how serious you feel with this German guy. I'm not sure if you already had sex with him. I guess you should wait for that and make sure he's serious about you. And if that's the case, you'll need to talk about the practical things of your relationship (where, when, how...) Hi justwhoiam! Long time no see, how are you? About my surgery, it's jaw surgery. I have my lower jaw is abit protruded, its abnormal and make chewing uncomfortable. But im not gonna lie, the main reason im looking forward to this surgery is because it will improve my apperance and self-esteem( but its not like i don't care about the function of the jaw). And i don't know why you think i'm not serious about this guy? I do really love him. We didn't have sex, because i was unsure how i handle thing if i would never see him again after the vacation. I do want this to work, but things keep getting harder. I know that i stand a very low chance getting a tourist visa. The only other way around maybe just to get married, but we are young and i dont want to get married for a visa, im not even sure how i should think about that
justwhoiam Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Hi justwhoiam! Hi Long time no see, how are you? I'm OK. Thank you. About my surgery, it's jaw surgery. Good luck with the surgery. I guess you'll need a few months to recover. i don't know why you think i'm not serious about this guy? I didn't say that. I said I didn't know how serious you were with him. And by that, I didn't mean to doubt your feelings, rather how serious the two of you are (and that depends on him too). We didn't have sex, because i was unsure how i handle thing if i would never see him again after the vacation. That was a tremendously wise choice I know that i stand a very low chance getting a tourist visa. How come? You need to prove you have the money? I guess you need to start earning some money and put it aside. Then you'll say you are staying at a friend that you've known on vacation and who visited your country and family several times. Don't lie if they question you, or you'll be sent back home. It might help if you're studying and you visited his country with some excuse for your studies.
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