New guy...

[runningscared79]

Ok.. so here's the backstory..

 

I've been divorced nearly 2 years now. Was separated 3 years prior to divorce being finalized. I've dated 3 men, none for more than 3 months (one was a commitment phobe, one was crazy, one was a distance issue).

 

So fast forward to the present.. met a great guy on a dating app.. he's been divorced 8 months. Things seemed so great, we have almost everything in common. BUT... things got really weird, and it may be my fault in some cases.. but when we started talking, we had a connection instantly. We would talk on the phone anywhere between 3-5 hours a night. Then we went out on a couple of dates and I deleted my dating profile... I wanted to get to know him better. Well, after a few weeks off the dating site, I got curious (here's where I screwed up) and I logged back into it.. saw that he had been "active" on his account just minutes before.

 

I instantly felt a little crushed.. I thought things were going great with us but apparently he was still talking to other people on there. I told him that I had deleted mine weeks ago and had logged on out of curiousity and saw he was still active. I told him I didn't think it would be great for me to continue with him if he was still keeping HIS options open.. I mean.. here I am trying to focus on getting to know HIM. ... so... he freaked out because to him that was an ultimatum. We ended up not talking for a day and then we started talking again. I re-activated MY profile (because fair is fair) and we went on a couple weeks like that and then one day he texted me and said he was only interested in me and had taken his profiles down. I took mine back down. Few more dates.. things are intimate now...

 

I screwed up again one weekend we were together laying in bed and I laughed and said "ok.. so how long till you ask me to be your girlfriend?" Ok.. typing it out I see that was a BAD BAD thing to say. He immediately freaked out.. got weird, shut down. He told me "honestly, I'd rather get in my truck and go home than feel awkward. I don't like putting labels on things". I felt so embarrassed. I feel like I'm sucking at this whole dating thing. I guess after a couple months of talking for hours every night and seeing each other and sleeping together, I feel like I NEED a label.

 

So... we worked through that and that night was like the best night of my life. We went out dancing with my friends and it was just like it was just him and me in the crowd.. he never took his eyes or hands off me and it was so perfect. We were laying in bed after we got home and he told me that all he could think about that night was how he wanted to be with me. He asked me if I'd be his girlfriend. I was shocked... seriously 8 hours before he was freaking out ready to go home because I mentioned it.

 

So we've been "official" I guess... for a couple of weeks. But I can't tag him on FB (I guess FB was a real rift in his marriage because his wife was consumed by it when they were married). I had some pics of us that we took with our phones but he didn't allow the tag on there. I get all that.. fine.. but I'm a little bothered that he still has pics of his ex and him together on FB... he claims he doens't know how to delete pics. He really doesn't spend a lot of time on FB so I can believe that I guess.

 

So... yesterday... (Bear with me ...) he wasn't very talkative. I mentioned to him that he didnt' seem very talkative and he got really upset with me.. which led to some texts that didn't communicate well on either of our parts.. which resulted in a phone call where both of us were ready to throw in the towel. There have been days I haven't texted much and he has said things like "you don't seem interested in talking to me today" or "you aren't talking much today" etc but I've never freaked out on him.. I've reassured him I'm just busy with work and I miss him! When I mentioned him not being talkative he told me "you get bent out of shape really easily it seems".

 

Help me! I'm so confused. He likes to say that we are on different playing fields because I've been divorced so much longer than he has. I don't think so. Does he need years of dating or being lonely or feeling dead inside to get on my playing field? He's like a roller coaster I can't get off of. When it's good.. it's so good.. but then he pulls away and I feel like nothing. He says that he is "concerned" about the feelings he has for me and the feelings I have for him. He says he doesn't want to jump right back into the situation he was in when he was married (they met and married within 4 months and were married for 15 years).

 

I want someone who WANTS to be with me... and 80% of the time he acts like he does. He texts me all day from work (since day 1) and all of a sudden he's saying we talk too much and it's taking away from his work day. I am just lost. I don't know how to deal with the constant conflicts. I really, really like this guy.. I'm falling in love with him but at the same time I feel like I have to suppress what I'M feeling because he's not ready. I don't know how to do any of this.

 

I haven't texted him much today and I feel like he will be mad and think it's because I'm upset with him.. but I'm not.. I just don't know what "normal" is now.

[jam.over.jelly]

Whoa I was in the same exact situation! Was seeing my ex bf for 4 months before we were official. I told him if he wasn't gonna commit, I didn't see the point of us keep seeing each other. We stopped talking. One week of NC. He came back with flowers and asked me to be his gf officially. I was talking to another guy at this point, and somehow he knew about it too, cuz his friend saw me with that guy out at a bar. Dated my ex for another 2 months. He broke up with me. I guess when he felt like he was on the verge of not having me around, he stepped up. But eventually he never really wanted to be in a relationship w me, he just enjoyed having my company, and when he didn't have it anymore he freaked out and put a label on things just to realize that in the end he really just didn't wanna commit to me after all. Not saying that your guy is the same but his actions speak louder than anything. He likes u and wants to make u happy with putting a label on your relationship but for how long is it gonna last? Tread carefully here.

[runningscared79]

I appreciate your response so much. I am just so lonely at this point. I work 3 jobs, have kids... not much of a social life though I'm getting back out there.. I go out with my friends here and there but I'm always the single one and it's depressing. I am trying to make other plans that don't include him. It seems like when I back off him he DOES come back stronger. It's like I have to let him lead and I feel like I have to suppress my own feelings as a result. He said things should be easy and care free.. but after a couple of months, I don't see anything wrong with trying to communicate effectively. I'm not trying to nail him down or marry him. Not asking for major commitments. Last night I told him we don't have to be exclusive, we can see other people or not talk as much or whatever.. and he didn't like that. He said nothing has changed, he's not talking to or seeing anyone else.. he said if he wanted someone else he could find someone that didn't live an hour away (we live an hour apart).. so I guess he's trying to say he's obviously into me or otherwise it wouldn't be like this.. but he said he IS attached to me and he does have feelings for me.. but it's scary (and yes, it's scary for me). I just don't want to get hurt. I'm trying to slow down and focus on other things but I guess the selfish part of me screams BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO? Like doesn't what I want/feel matter? Why does it have to be all about him and what he wants? Why does he get to say what's enough or too much? UGH.

[sportygirl89]

I usually have a rule of thumb to not date anyone who's been divorced under a year. Usually they are not emotionally stable enough IMO.

[Ami1uwant]

A few comments......

 

1 is there a time from divorce to ready yo date...yes. It depends on the situation and why the divorce happened. Was it a slow drift then divorce or one ground other cheating and that was it? The latter usually take long to be ready to date vs the former.

 

2. Facebook is not the best thing for early relationship drama.

 

3. With pics of his ex...are they still friends? Do they still have contact? Do they share custody of kids?

 

4. Sex before couple us a problem...

 

5 data website will show activity if you just open SN email from them but not actually log in. He msy have logged in to remove his cc info do is membership didn't automstically renew, maybe he wznted to see if you were still active?

 

6. Unsure how long he was married. If he was married long he may not want to rush into a serious relationship just yet.

 

6. Gut instinct he likely has dated someone else during your time together.

 

7. Different playing fields...help to know your ages and length of marriages. He likely is saying you are ready to find someone and commit snd marry again. He still wants to test drive the other new cars out there before he picks a model he likes,

[runningscared79]

a few comments......

 

1 is there a time from divorce to ready yo date...yes. It depends on the situation and why the divorce happened. Was it a slow drift then divorce or one ground other cheating and that was it? The latter usually take long to be ready to date vs the former. he said it was a slow drift... Financial issues... Detachment etc....

 

2. Facebook is not the best thing for early relationship drama. i agree... I guess i just want to share that i have a great guy in my life and for him it's different..

 

3. With pics of his ex...are they still friends? Do they still have contact? Do they share custody of kids? they absolutely aren't friends and do not talk at all unless it's regarding the kids. They share custody.

 

4. Sex before couple us a problem... sigh... Yes.

 

5 data website will show activity if you just open sn email from them but not actually log in. He msy have logged in to remove his cc info do is membership didn't automstically renew, maybe he wznted to see if you were still active? he said he was conversing with others but not seeing anyone and not texting anyone. But he's supposedly done with that now.

 

6. Unsure how long he was married. If he was married long he may not want to rush into a serious relationship just yet. we were both married 15 yrs. We are both 36.

 

6. Gut instinct he likely has dated someone else during your time together. it's possible but he said he's only gone out on one other date other than me.. Had not been intimate with anyone since his divorce. He really had been giving me all his time so i don't think he's had time to be anywhere with anyone.

 

7. Different playing fields...help to know your ages and length of marriages. He likely is saying you are ready to find someone and commit snd marry again. He still wants to test drive the other new cars out there before he picks a model he likes,

i'm not ready to marry again believe me. I would like something somewhat meaningful. He says things like "i shouldn't be thinking about things like this but i think about us making plans, doing things, building things together... " all indicative of life-things together long term... And then he freaks. I do not make reference of anything futuristic because i don't want to scare him. I really don't think about him and i together making plans past this week.. I am being as realistic as possible. No one has said "i love you" and we are not "there" yet. I have feelings for him but he's all over the place and that makes me nervous. I'm just going to try giving him space and see what happens, but i'm not going to put my life on hold for him either. That's not fair to me.

[jam.over.jelly]

Being with someone that's meant to be should not be this hard! He should be able to communicate with you, understand your feelings, your needs and try to accommodate them. This guy cares about you, he wants to make you happy, but at the same time he's not 100% there to commit to you. He commits to you out of fear that you won't be around if he doesn't do that, or that someone else will snatch you up, and also because he is selfish, just like any other human being. He might not be as invested as you are emotionally but I'm sure he is somewhat attached, and may even be jealous hence he doesnt like the fact that you propose talking to other people (my ex was the exact same way, he flipped out when I said I wanted to keep my options open if that's what he wanted as well). However, he is recently divorced, he probably isn't in the right place mentally to be with anyone else. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I just don't want u to wind up getting hurt. This relationship just seems like it is exhausting.

[runningscared79]

Well... so this is my game plan and you guys feel free to chime in:

 

1) I'm backing off. Going to let him lead the texting and calling for now and fill up my time with friends and other activities as to not put pressure on him to entertain me.

 

2) Not going to show sentiment.. no "hey babe" type stuff. Just going to be pleasant and sweet like always but not going to use sappy sentiment that shows any kind of possession. (He had been calling me sweetie/sweetheart etc and I did the same with him... ) but I'm going to stop that. Maybe he will feel less pressure?

 

3) I'm going to plan activities with my friends and if he's free and wants to come he can.. but I'm not going to sit at home every weekend hoping he will want to do something with me.

 

4) I guess I'm just going to look single. He hasn't been divorced a full year. I know I was bitter etc and let my ex have power over me after the divorce for about a year... I can back off and give him his space for the next few months if that's what it takes for him to get comfortable... BUT... there's no guarantee that I might not just lose all interest in him if he doesn't start showing interest. He's up and down with his interest and every relationship needs consistency.

 

I don't want to scare him off.. I think he's great.. but these issues are definitely NOT attractive. He says he's afraid to depend on someone else... but also wants to feel like he "belongs" somewhere. One minute he's daydreaming of building a firepit in my backyard for us to spend time around and the next he's freaking out because he has feelings for me and doesn't feel like he should be having those kind of thoughts so early on. The mixed signals is frustrating.

 

I am willing to wait a few months to see if slowing things down helps... do you think that's reasonable of me or should I just lift anchor and try to meet someone else?

[runningscared79]

Also... thank you to all you perfect strangers reading all this crap and giving your input. I feel so old and dumb for not knowing what to do. It's nice to be able to discuss these things anonymously and get feedback without people treating you like an idiot!

[Qboro90]

Well... so this is my game plan and you guys feel free to chime in:

 

1) I'm backing off. Going to let him lead the texting and calling for now and fill up my time with friends and other activities as to not put pressure on him to entertain me.

 

2) Not going to show sentiment.. no "hey babe" type stuff. Just going to be pleasant and sweet like always but not going to use sappy sentiment that shows any kind of possession. (He had been calling me sweetie/sweetheart etc and I did the same with him... ) but I'm going to stop that. Maybe he will feel less pressure?

 

3) I'm going to plan activities with my friends and if he's free and wants to come he can.. but I'm not going to sit at home every weekend hoping he will want to do something with me.

 

4) I guess I'm just going to look single. He hasn't been divorced a full year. I know I was bitter etc and let my ex have power over me after the divorce for about a year... I can back off and give him his space for the next few months if that's what it takes for him to get comfortable... BUT... there's no guarantee that I might not just lose all interest in him if he doesn't start showing interest. He's up and down with his interest and every relationship needs consistency.

 

I don't want to scare him off.. I think he's great.. but these issues are definitely NOT attractive. He says he's afraid to depend on someone else... but also wants to feel like he "belongs" somewhere. One minute he's daydreaming of building a firepit in my backyard for us to spend time around and the next he's freaking out because he has feelings for me and doesn't feel like he should be having those kind of thoughts so early on. The mixed signals is frustrating.

 

I am willing to wait a few months to see if slowing things down helps... do you think that's reasonable of me or should I just lift anchor and try to meet someone else?

 

 

Sorry if I misread this here but aren't you and him officially a couple after he asked you to be his girlfriend after "the best night of your life"?... If you are in fact dating which it sounds clear you are (label or no label) then I strongly disagree with your game plan. At least on a few of the points. Not saying "hey babe" or being generally sweet on purpose is counterproductive. You're going to create a rift that isn't there more for spite or "well you wanted space so here take that" type of attitude. Remember, this is someone you care a lot about so don't start playing games now. That's how these things snowball.

 

The other point I disagree with is trying to look single. Again, your guy isn't doing this to you and you've discussed being exclusive so why are you going to do something you know will agitate, hurt, or upset him, just so you can force a reaction from him.

 

Your other points are ok. But let me tell you that you have moved pretty fast with him up until now. You need to understand that while you have been divorced for 2 years and have gotten to the point where you're craving to be with someone who cares for you and who you care for.... He is just 8 months out of it and in all likelihood still adjusting to life without his ex wife. Not so much in a feeling or emotional way, just in terms of finding a routine that works for him, setting up his daily life, living, work with just himself to manage. That's a lot to have to think about so I think you're being a little unfair and pushy at this point.

 

I always get a bit put off when a woman absolutely needs a label or just has to know where the relationship stands or is going. It would be one thing if he was dating others or his actions didn't show that he's committed to you. You said you'd be completely happy being his gf so if every action he does tells you that you're the only woman in his life and he's not pursuing or planning to pursue others than you're just looking for the word "girlfriend" to ease your nerves. I'm put off by that because it doesn't matter if a guy tells you "yea your my gf and I want to be with you and only you for the foreseeable future" ... Because at the end of the day those are just words and it's not going to ensure you're relationship lasts, or that he doesn't cheat on you, or that in 2 years you both still feel the same way.

 

After being divorced I would think that each of you wants to approach dating and serious relationships with more caution. Learn from the mistakes that ended your first marriage. He clearly jumped into marriage by doing it after 4 months. So when you are getting this wigged out and overthinking his behavior and feelings after 8 months, it's most likely making him think that slowing down is smart in order to avoid what happened in his failed marriage. And there's nothing wrong with that... What's your rush?

 

And lastly I want to explain and give you a mans perspective about your concern when "he's not that talkative and seems different today". This is something my fiancée would bring up at the early stages of our relationship and it drove me crazy. I'm typically a very outgoing, upbeat, social guy so if I had an off day or wasn't as chatty she would always ask "what's wrong? How come you're acting different/weird?" Much like you are Doing with him. Meanwhile I was being a great BF just like your guy is... Talking to her a ton and being available just like your guy. But this is it.... Every once in a while me,your man, guys in general... Just have off days or days where we lack the same enthusiasm. It doesn't go any deeper than that, trust me.

 

I had to explain to my gf "listen, nothing is wrong, I'm not upset or angry or in a bad mood... I'm just indifferent today and the batteries aren't fully charged. It has nothing to do with you, or anything actually. I need you to be cool and understand that I'm allowed to not have my A game 365 days a year 24/7 without having to explain why". I sense that might be what your guy goes thru and being asked "what's the matter, you're not yourself today" gets so aggravating and insulting to hear from your significant other if there's really nothing wrong. Just let him be.

 

I think texting and talking for 3-5hrs daily is too much at this point also. Leave a bit of mystery and excitement for when you're together. 3-5 hours is a ton of time when you factor in he has a job, kids, priorities, and needs to sleep every now and then too. If you wanna be really cool then you should suggest pulling back on the extensive phone call and texts. This way when you see each other you'll have more to discuss and he won't feel as pressed for time. If I was getting upset vibes from my gf because I was only able to talk to her on the phone for an hour instead of the usual 3-5 then I'd be a little resentful too. Most people don't talk on the phone that long for even an hour so cut him some slack there.

 

Enjoy your time with him... Trust that what he tells you and shows you are how he feels. Enjoy reading the book without needing to find out how many pages there are left or how it ends.

[Buddhist]

Okay so there's a couple of things here....

 

Personally I think his over-reaction to simple questions to be a bit extreme. When am I your gf? Seriously, you didn't ask him to donate a kidney to you. It's a simple enough thing and you've been dating for weeks. The expectation is there, plain as day. You're just asking him to make up his mind about you. He could have reacted in any number of ways including just being humorous and brushing it off. What's with the moody....omg I need to get in my car and storm off in a huff, bull****. It doesn't speak well of his emotional regulation. Then again we have no idea of what your tone was in that moment either. I'm assuming here it was asked in a non-pressurising way.

 

But in any case my experience with men with triggers like this is that they are rarely truly emotionally available in the relationship and it tends to be as you describe, a rollercoaster. Rollercoasters don't last. They do as you describe, all over you like a love-sick puppy and then incredibly distant and moody. You will get sick of that after a time.

 

From your side though, I think your expectations are a bit inflexible. People do have off days, need time on their own to gather their thoughts or recharge. If he's an introvert then he will probably need that regularly without you making a big deal about why he didn't text, update his facebook or call you for 3-5hrs. The honeymoon period is winding down, you need to accept that things are going to settle into a slower, less clingy and more sedate pace. You need to give your partner space to breath, otherwise they won't be your partner for long.

Edited September 23, 2015 by Buddhist

[runningscared79]

Tough and true.. great advice.

 

I just want to back off because if all he really needs is some space.. I can accommodate that. I'm just living with fewer expectations. Is it so wrong to realize things seemed so awesome and mourn it a bit when it tapers off? KWIM

[runningscared79]

The biggest thing I think I need from him is consistency. Don't be all into it one day and then distant the next. Too many mixed signals. I'm giving it some time to see what happens but at the end of the day, if things don't progress, I will move on to someone who is on the same page.