Northwestern1011 Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 (edited) **TMI warning ahead** I’ve been dating this guy about a month and a half. Everything is great except for one huge issue…I’m starting to wonder if he’s gay. Or at least bisexual but strongly prefers men. A couple weeks ago, for the first time ever, I attempted to perform oral sex on him. Within seconds, he went from hard to completely flaccid. Nothing seemed to be able to get him hard again. I thought that was odd, but he waived it off as he was sunburned and dehydrated and didn’t feel good. But then last week, I tried again. And the exact same thing happened. Maybe even faster. And nothing could get him hard again. Not my mouth, or my hands, or even him stimulating himself. If it happens twice in a row like this, I know it will happen again if I ever attempt to perform oral or anything else on him again. And I know for that reason there has to be an issue. The strange part is he gets aroused even from me just looking at him certain ways..Yet sexual activity happens and he immeadiately loses it? He wants to initiate oral on me, and seems really into it..But if I go to do it to him, it’s just over? He was raised very very very deeply religious, and is still active in church. With the doctrine “All sex outside of marriage is bad”..Could it really be a mental block thing? He was a complete virgin before I met him, so these are first two blowjobs he’s ever had. I’m starting to feel really rejected. I’m 24 years old, healthy, in shape, and the most attractive I’ll ever been in my life. Touching a guy who claims to be really into you and then can’t even stay aroused is beyond embarrassing. I’ve only had oral with one other person, but I know I was actually very good at it back then.So I know that’s not it. I just know it’s starting to make me feel really unwanted. And then there’s the other aspect—he has a ton of close male friends. And it’s an ongoing joke that he makes innuendo jokes with them—about other men—all the time. About all these men being his lover (and these are genuinely straight guys—I don’t question their sexuality). He’ll also notice and compliment me on my nail polish (what guy does that?) or my pants or shirt or makeup. Once, he even complimented one of my MALE FAMILY MEMBERS on his pants. He’ll make commentsa bout guys butts. And I thought up until now this was just extreme joking,especially to get a rise out of people. But since the blowjob incident..I’m genuinely starting to wonder. Having the guy you’re dating lose his erection when you try to be intimate him one day, and seeing him rub a guy’s shoulders 4 days later is getting beyond unnerving. Any advice? Could it genuinely be the religious guilt aspect? Or does it sound like I’m dating a man who prefers men, and just adamantly denies it—and probably even dates me to prove otherwise to the church? Edited September 22, 2015 by Northwestern1011
Gaeta Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 What ever it is let it be HIS problem and not yours. Time to find a new boyfriend. 5
PaperCrane Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Sounds like performance anxiety. Poor guy probably thinks you're smoking hot and when push comes to shove he just gets overly nervous. I compliment girls on their nails, I've complimented a buddy of mine on his pants because I follow a male fashion blog and I like that stuff, I'm also very much straight. I would first say that you need to stop stereotyping and making assumptions. Sex is a shared experience and you're making it all about yourself. Work on making him feel good and comfortable in the situation and it'll work out better. He may dislike oral and doesn't want you to feel bad. 1
Zippy2000 Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Time to invest in to a new radar system. Have you tried "Gaydar"?
Vintage79 Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 The oral sex thing - either performance anxiety, or you're awful at oral sex. The fact that he gets turned on by you even looking at him suggests that he's on the straight side of the fence. On another note, would you prefer that he be a loner, or incredibly boring and bland when he's with his friends? Would you prefer that he doesn't notice details? Would you prefer that if he did have an opinion about things, that he kept quiet? Seriously, you're reading waaay too much into this - it's fine if you're not happy with him, but trying to justify why he may be gay because he has a bunch of good friends, is confident enough to compliment people, and either you being bad at oral, or he has performance anxiety issues is ridiculous... 6
PaperCrane Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Also worthy of note is his seeming enthusiasm to go down on you. Gay men don't really...do that. 2
SoleMate Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Although I've "diagnosed" many men over the Internet as being gay, I don't see any reason to necessarily include your bf among them. On the contrary: ...he gets aroused even from me just looking at him certain ways... ...He wants to initiate oral on me, and seems really into it.... Those would be atypical for gay men. The loss of erection could be due to performance anxiety. Maybe the two of you are moving too fast.
jen1447 Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Performance anxiety. You need to grow up a little OP and realize this isn't about you, it's about him. He has a genuine issue he needs help overcoming, so your ancillary concern that you might not be the hottest woman ever is pretty minor by comparison. 11
empresario Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Sounds like another classic case of porn induced erectile dysfunction. It's common in men of this generation. It's even more common in men that grew up exceedingly religious and have innate guilt about consuming sexual content. I would never advise 'snooping'. But it may be worth it to check his internet history to see if he abuses pornography. Fortunately, if that's the case, it's completely fixable. Also consider he may just be nervous since he's new to the game. Give him some time. I bet it works itself out as he gets more comfortable. I don't see this guy as being gay. Stop me if I'm wrong...but I think some of the gay accusations are coming from your own self-consciousness at the fact your BF won't stay hard when you are trying to give him a gift. Try to fix the root problem if you want to be with him; do not just label him as something in your own mind to validate your feelings/choices. 4
Villainous Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Yeah it sounds like performance anxiety. Also tell him to quit looking at the smut and fapping. He likely won't have any problems after that. On the extreme end, it could be a health issue, or maybe he just doesn't like you very much. But I'd tell him to quit fapping first.
Gaeta Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 I think OP has too many things to complain about to turn this around. She also has made too many associations between some of his behavior/personality and being gay. I get the feeling she doesn't have much respect for him 'as a man'. Once you got this 'eeww' feeling about a man you cannot change your view on him. I vote she moves on. 2
xcupid Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Did he ask for oral or did you automatically assume he'd want it and like it? There are lots of reasons he could have gone flaccid. Doesn't mean he's gay.
shet Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Noticing women's nails and/or other stylistic choices has gotten me far in the past. It puts me amongst a very low percentage of men and frankly I feel pretty confident saying other guys are the ones in the wrong, when I see a womans face light up because I compliment her manicure or earrings.
lino Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Love how when a guy isn't a rock star in bed it automatically equals gay 2
Buddhist Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 There is nothing about his behaviour that screams gay. Jesus my last partner could tell a fake designer handbag from a real one at 100 paces. But he still hit me up for sex twice a day. I work with gay men whom you would swear are straight because they are into typical 'guy' things. Let's dispense with the notion that if a dude is not rigidly adhering to some stereotypical bull**** notion of a 'man' he must want it up the butt. I think two things..... - You have no idea how to give oral well and it's feeling like some weird medical exam to him but he doesn't want to tell you that. Says volumes for his own sensibilities if that's the case. - You should stop trying to tell him how to enjoy himself sexually and just get hot and heavy and let him show you what he wants and feels comfortable with. I've never met a guy who didn't just do what comes naturally when the opportunity to be free with a sexual partner's body was present. 1
gaius Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Some of the advice in this thread is downright ridiculous. =/ The guy is running around checking out other guys, talking about banging other guys, losing his hard on the minute a girl he's supposedly attracted to tries to give him oral. And you don't think he's gay? I have a few bridges for sale if anyone wants one. 1
newmoon Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 whether he is actually gay or not doesn't even matter. once you think it, you've doomed the attraction towards him. if you have to ask, if you even think it... he's not 'man' enough for you
mortensorchid Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 I've been with someone (more times than I would like to think) who also has performance anxiety. It's not you in particular that he is doing this with, as this is also the case with me and the other I am talking about, it's an insecurity that is deep within. There's not much you can do about this, he has to work on this. I guess you can google resources in order to find out how.
EricaH329 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 I'm going to have to agree with the others that think you may be jumping the gun here. If he's really religious, as you say he is, it could have something to do with the fact that maybe he doesn't feel it's 'right'. It could also be performance anxiety, as previously stated, or perhaps it's just as simple as him subconsciously feeling like there needs to be more depth between the two of you before he feels comfortable. No matter what the reason is, and this goes without saying, you should be the one to make him feel like it's OK. Don't make him feel bad about it, or constantly question him. Chances are, he isn't too sure the reason either. As far as everything else goes, I *love* it when a guy compliments me on the small things! It shows he's paying attention, and agrees with my sense of style. It's very flattering if you let it be.
Author Northwestern1011 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 UPDATE: Whatever is going on seems to be getting worse. Day before yesterday we tried to be intimate again (and I knew a bj wuldnt work, so I didn't even try)...and itturns out...he cant even get hard from me touching him likeninuse to. I use to be able to touch him literally for a second in psssing and he would get erect from it. That no longer happens. I can't even get him hard now from attempting a handjob. Yet, he's still just as excited to go down on me. And allegedly almost climaxed a coupletimes unexpectedly while performing oral on me night before last? I asked him if he has any idea what's going on with this (hoping he'd say hes been researching performance anxiety more, or finally admit to a porn addiction) and all he said was, "well, I don't think seeing you naked is as exciting for me subconsciously as it use to be, likethe first time." Excellent strategy. Blame me! Also, id think the opposite would be happening--if he could get off, it would condition to think "see naked woman, I'm abouttoget something out of the deal"!
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 "well, I don't think seeing you naked is as exciting for me subconsciously as it use to be After one month dating MOVE ON
Jinx01 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 It's probably performance anxiety. It's actually common. Just make him go down on you. Date for a while and it will probably get better. If it never does just stop. A couple of drinks can actually help with this some times... maybe try that so he'll be more thinking about how hot you are instead of stressing about keeping an erection.
gaius Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 You could try getting a strap on, letting him suck on it, then stick it up his butt and I'm sure all his "performance anxiety" will magically vanish. But being with a gay guy who won't admit he's gay, he'll always try to blame that dysfunction on you. =/ Your ego will probably take a huge hit. You should try and find a guy who's actually into you.
shet Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I think even if this man happened to be gay, he would not be able to perform with a man either. He either has anxiety or a low libido. That is just him. Maybe it could be fixed with time, maybe not. Complaining because his lack of response means "you dont feel wanted" is massively selfish and self absorbed. Go and jill off while posing in a mirror, and let this man meet someone who understands love and compassion.
Photofinish Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 What ever it is let it be HIS problem and not yours. Time to find a new boyfriend. Thats cruel. Why dont you try talking to him about it ? It might be the religion thing or maybe he isnt ready for that .
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