Is it time to move on?

[ConfusedUK]

Backstory:I've been dating my boyfriend since November 2013 so almost two years. I started dating him about 5 months after my previous abusive relationship ended ( I dated this guy for about 1.5 years, things were fine at first but his mother died and he got addicted to drugs and yeah it all went wrong from there...) , the previous guy really treated me like **** physically and emotionally and used me for sex. So when my current boyfriend came on the scene it was like a breath of fresh air for me. We've had a decent relationship - he made a lot of effort in the beginning, he's sweet and kind of effeminate which is good in a lot of ways as he's very very easy to talk to. Perhaps I knew when I started this relationship that it would never go long term - but at the time it just felt right and he was nice. We've had some lovely times together including a 10 day vacation 2 months ago where we got on so well and for the first time, I really considered that we could maybe go longer term. However the past month and a half haven't been great he's prone to depressive moods and takes it out on me in that he is snappy and grumpy with me and this has escalated over the 6 weeks or so. He has been making passive aggressive remarks about our relationship during this time and finally last week we had "the talk" he was basically saying our relationship is going nowhere , he doesnt know if were compatible and that we needed a break. I agreed to that so were now on a month long break. This time has got me thinking though - that maybe he isn't the guy for me. This past 6 weeks hasn't been great. He is unemployed now so has no money to do stuff together and no interest in finding a job. I have made all of the effort and been sweet to him even when his moods have really taken a toll on me. I would say in this case, the way things have turned out has been his fault down to the lack of effort and moodiness. This is even more difficult in the sense that he makes himself out to be Mr nice guy to everyone else but behind closed doors he really isn't that great to me. Another issue in our relationship is that he has wandering eyes - and I've told him this - his friends are mainly female which I am ok with but he is constantly liking other girls selfies on Facebook and instagram which makes me a little uncomfortable, he also sometimes goes out for meals and drinks alone with a girl. I try my hardest to understand that his friends are simply mainly women but things like this are difficult for me. Its been really nice and we have had some good times together - overall he is a good guy and there for you when you need him but I'm wondering if he isn't the right guy for me and that I should maybe break up with him once this break is over or sooner. Part of me wants to do this but then I think of how much a jerk my ex was and how bad some guys can be and it makes me appreciate the good in him and not want to leave. But at the same time I dont want to just settle for second best in the fear that I wont find anyone better in the future. Our relationship feels more like good friends than lovers if that makes sense - it also doesn't help that I'm not really sexually attracted to him. He's a good looking guy but we just don't have that chemistry in the bedroom - so really were just a lot more like friends. I'm not sure if were compatible romantically anymore - theres the sex life issue, the fact that he often gets low moods and drags me down with him and also that I'm a lot more ambitious than him and wonder if I could do with someone with a bit more of a get up and go attitude. Sorry for the long post I'm just so confused as to what to do. Do I hold on to the good about this guy and try and make things work after the break? ( largely in fear that I wont find anyone else) or do I trust that there are people who I will be more compatible with out there and that maybe this just isn't the right relationship for me? Any advice is appreciated

[Gaeta]

You did what a lot of abused women do, you changed relationship but got another abuser. He's not the same type of abuser as your ex but he's still an abuser.

 

Yes it's time to move on. When we break up with someone we are all afraid we won't find anyone else but it's just unrealistic fears. There is always someone else waiting for us. You're not living in a deserted island, you are surrounded by millions of men and several of them could be compatible loving partners.

[Redhead14]

Backstory:I've been dating my boyfriend since November 2013 so almost two years. I started dating him about 5 months after my previous abusive relationship ended ( I dated this guy for about 1.5 years, things were fine at first but his mother died and he got addicted to drugs and yeah it all went wrong from there...) , the previous guy really treated me like **** physically and emotionally and used me for sex. So when my current boyfriend came on the scene it was like a breath of fresh air for me. We've had a decent relationship - he made a lot of effort in the beginning, he's sweet and kind of effeminate which is good in a lot of ways as he's very very easy to talk to. Perhaps I knew when I started this relationship that it would never go long term - but at the time it just felt right and he was nice. We've had some lovely times together including a 10 day vacation 2 months ago where we got on so well and for the first time, I really considered that we could maybe go longer term. However the past month and a half haven't been great he's prone to depressive moods and takes it out on me in that he is snappy and grumpy with me and this has escalated over the 6 weeks or so. He has been making passive aggressive remarks about our relationship during this time and finally last week we had "the talk" he was basically saying our relationship is going nowhere , he doesnt know if were compatible and that we needed a break. I agreed to that so were now on a month long break. This time has got me thinking though - that maybe he isn't the guy for me. This past 6 weeks hasn't been great. He is unemployed now so has no money to do stuff together and no interest in finding a job. I have made all of the effort and been sweet to him even when his moods have really taken a toll on me. I would say in this case, the way things have turned out has been his fault down to the lack of effort and moodiness. This is even more difficult in the sense that he makes himself out to be Mr nice guy to everyone else but behind closed doors he really isn't that great to me. Another issue in our relationship is that he has wandering eyes - and I've told him this - his friends are mainly female which I am ok with but he is constantly liking other girls selfies on Facebook and instagram which makes me a little uncomfortable, he also sometimes goes out for meals and drinks alone with a girl. I try my hardest to understand that his friends are simply mainly women but things like this are difficult for me. Its been really nice and we have had some good times together - overall he is a good guy and there for you when you need him but I'm wondering if he isn't the right guy for me and that I should maybe break up with him once this break is over or sooner. Part of me wants to do this but then I think of how much a jerk my ex was and how bad some guys can be and it makes me appreciate the good in him and not want to leave. But at the same time I dont want to just settle for second best in the fear that I wont find anyone better in the future. Our relationship feels more like good friends than lovers if that makes sense - it also doesn't help that I'm not really sexually attracted to him. He's a good looking guy but we just don't have that chemistry in the bedroom - so really were just a lot more like friends. I'm not sure if were compatible romantically anymore - theres the sex life issue, the fact that he often gets low moods and drags me down with him and also that I'm a lot more ambitious than him and wonder if I could do with someone with a bit more of a get up and go attitude. Sorry for the long post I'm just so confused as to what to do. Do I hold on to the good about this guy and try and make things work after the break? ( largely in fear that I wont find anyone else) or do I trust that there are people who I will be more compatible with out there and that maybe this just isn't the right relationship for me? Any advice is appreciated

 

Do I hold on to the good about this guy -- there isn't one single thing you've written here that there's anything "good" to hold on to. Just because he's less of a jerk than you're ex, doesn't mean he's the guy for you.

Perhaps I knew when I started this relationship that it would never go long term -- Your gut was speaking to you then and it's speaking to you now.

 

I have made all of the effort -- it takes two to make it work. He's checked out.

[Guyouthere]

I'm sure he loves you a lot, after all you saw good in him. If you are under a lot of stress, he might be too, and some people act immaturely when under stress, but perhaps he just needs to be shown more love from you too. It sounds alike he isn't questioning you or your love for him, but rather just needs to learn how to react to things in a more appropriate manner as to not hurt you.

 

It just might not be the right time to be together at this point of your lives. If he was there for you in the past, it shows he is someone that you can count on. You said he has good qualities, and everyone does, but everyone has faults too. Sometimes guys do things out of emotion, and sometimes they need time to reflect on their mistakes. I know I have done and said things I later regret. I wouldn't be too concerned with the bedroom issue either. You haven't had enough time to get to know each other that way yet. Love grows, it doesn't happen overnight.

 

It sounds like you have a good guy and I wouldn't let him go, at least not yet. I'm sure he is hurting that he hurt you too. You sound hurt yourself, just do your own thing for now, but I wouldn't disqualify him altogether.

 

Give it a chance. But give both of you time.

Edited September 22, 2015 by Guyouthere

[katiegrl]

I'm sure he loves you a lot, after all you saw good in him. If you are under a lot of stress, he might be too, and some people act immaturely when under stress, but perhaps he just needs to be shown more love from you too. It sounds alike he isn't questioning you or your love for him, but rather just needs to learn how to react to things in a more appropriate manner as to not hurt you.

 

It just might not be the right time to be together at this point of your lives. If he was there for you in the past, it shows he is someone that you can count on. You said he has good qualities, and everyone does, but everyone has faults too. Sometimes guys do things out of emotion, and sometimes they need time to reflect on their mistakes. I know I have done and said things I later regret. I wouldn't be too concerned with the bedroom issue either. You haven't had enough time to get to know each other that way yet. Love grows, it doesn't happen overnight.

 

It sounds like you have a good guy and I wouldn't let him go, at least not yet. I'm sure he is hurting that he hurt you too. You sound hurt yourself, just do your own thing for now, but I wouldn't disqualify him altogether.

 

Give it a chance. But give both of you time.

 

No offense, but given the way the OP described this loser, it's ^^this type of advice that confuses women, causes them to doubt their own perceptions, and often times destroys them emotionally for a long long time.

 

OP, listen to Gaeta! She KNOWS! And Redhead made great points as well...

Edited September 22, 2015 by katiegrl

[Guyouthere]

Not all guys who act like that do so because they are abusers or mean. He was there for her in many good ways, and for a long time. She has already said that there is "something there" too.

 

If this is a long distance relationship, it will take extra effort too.

 

Relationships take work, and she should be there for him too, to get him help with controlling his actions if that is an issue. People can and do change bad habits, they are not stuck in them.

 

You make it sound like there are no reasons why a guy can act bad at times, and yes, there is no excuse for hurting someone, and it is wrong, but sometimes the guy also needs to be shown love, and that can and often does make all the difference in the world as well.

 

If the guy is loving and caring, then he is loving and caring. Guys do make mistakes, sometimes really bad ones. My belief is that the guy was just acting out of emotion. It's not an excuse, nor is it right, but it is reality.

 

Should she give him more chances?

 

I would say yes, he evidently does love her a lot.

 

It just sounds like this relationship needs time apart so both sides have a cooling off period.

 

And as long as he isn't physically abusing her (which never has an excuse), I would stay, but take things slowly to see how much he regrets what he did. If he truly does, it will show over time.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

I once lost a girl I truly loved because I acted stupid. I realized it later, that I did hurt her, and should not have. She gave me chances, I failed, but then sometimes it takes a very hard knock to realize what you have, and then true change comes.

 

There is such a thing as forgiveness, and perhaps you should use some of that as well. Has he forgiven you for things? Perhaps you hurt his feelings at times and you didn't realize it.

 

God does tell us to forgive.

 

I know I am the kind who forgives, as much as anyone can.

Edited September 22, 2015 by Guyouthere

[Guyouthere]

No offense, but given the way the OP described this loser, it's ^^this type of advice that confuses women, causes them to doubt their own perceptions, and often times destroys them emotionally for a long long time.

 

OP, listen to Gaeta! She KNOWS! And Redhead made great points as well...

 

You are entitled to your opinions, and unfortunately I can see that perhaps you were a victim of abuse, I feel sad you were (if true).

 

But you and everyone should be realistic and not present a biased view.

 

Each case is different.

 

Sometimes people just need to get themselves together. Sometimes the guy needs to be "straightened out".

[ConfusedUK]

You did what a lot of abused women do, you changed relationship but got another abuser. He's not the same type of abuser as your ex but he's still an abuser.

 

Yes it's time to move on. When we break up with someone we are all afraid we won't find anyone else but it's just unrealistic fears. There is always someone else waiting for us. You're not living in a deserted island, you are surrounded by millions of men and several of them could be compatible loving partners.

 

 

I think you're right. Thats my gut instinct. There probably are plenty of suitable partners for me out there - just sometimes you look around you and see so many cr*ppy relationships and wonder if youll ever find better. Its probably natural to feel this way though.

[ConfusedUK]

I'm sure he loves you a lot, after all you saw good in him. If you are under a lot of stress, he might be too, and some people act immaturely when under stress, but perhaps he just needs to be shown more love from you too. It sounds alike he isn't questioning you or your love for him, but rather just needs to learn how to react to things in a more appropriate manner as to not hurt you.

 

It just might not be the right time to be together at this point of your lives. If he was there for you in the past, it shows he is someone that you can count on. You said he has good qualities, and everyone does, but everyone has faults too. Sometimes guys do things out of emotion, and sometimes they need time to reflect on their mistakes. I know I have done and said things I later regret. I wouldn't be too concerned with the bedroom issue either. You haven't had enough time to get to know each other that way yet. Love grows, it doesn't happen overnight.

 

It sounds like you have a good guy and I wouldn't let him go, at least not yet. I'm sure he is hurting that he hurt you too. You sound hurt yourself, just do your own thing for now, but I wouldn't disqualify him altogether.

 

Give it a chance. But give both of you time.

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm going to leave time for the dust to settle aka till the end of our "break" but right now I'm not feeling it. I understand you on the bedroom issue but I just really don't feel interested in that with him... he feels more like a best friend to me.

[ConfusedUK]

Do I hold on to the good about this guy -- there isn't one single thing you've written here that there's anything "good" to hold on to. Just because he's less of a jerk than you're ex, doesn't mean he's the guy for you.

Perhaps I knew when I started this relationship that it would never go long term -- Your gut was speaking to you then and it's speaking to you now.

 

I have made all of the effort -- it takes two to make it work. He's checked out.

 

My gut is very much telling me that he's not the right guy for me. Its just scary letting go. I wonder if I will ever have that "chemistry" with someone if theres such a thing.

[katiegrl]

You are entitled to your opinions, and unfortunately I can see that perhaps you were a victim of abuse, I feel sad you were (if true).

 

But you and everyone should be realistic and not present a biased view.

 

Each case is different.

 

Sometimes people just need to get themselves together. Sometimes the guy needs to be "straightened out".

 

No I have never been a victim of abuse.... I have never allowed myself to be a victim of abuse.

 

 

First sign of even the slightest hint of abuse -- I am outta there.

 

 

However, I have worked with victims of abuse (volunteering) and know first hand all the signs ...

 

 

So yes I do believe this man is (or has the potential to be) an emotional abuser.

 

 

Of course that is just my opinion, to which I am entitled, as you are to yours.

[katiegrl]

I think you're right. Thats my gut instinct. There probably are plenty of suitable partners for me out there - just sometimes you look around you and see so many cr*ppy relationships and wonder if youll ever find better. Its probably natural to feel this way though.

 

Trust your gut on this one.... it rarely, if ever, will fail you.

[Guyouthere]

If there was an argument, let things settle out.

 

Right now there is likely hurt and a lot of emotion on both sides, which will cloud judgements.

 

From experience, I can say that I let things bother me to the point I will lash out at times, but not meaning it. Yes it causes hurt, and it is wrong.

 

Does it make me a bad person? No. I am sure you are not perfect either. You have your faults, everyone does. Part of maturing includes knowing you have them, and the largest part of a relationship is accepting the other persons faults.

 

I was and am able to do that.

 

You will never find anyone who is perfect.

 

I was there for someone through the roughest part of her life, there from day 1, saved and changed her life. Love is unconditional, and I showed that. I clothed and fed her too, was there in so many ways, and all I asked for was to have her show some tolerance and patience for me too because what she was going through also took a toll on me as well, and I reacted at times because I felt she wasn't committed. Now I realize she couldn't have been and it was wrong to push.

 

She saw this as controlling, but reality is that I never wanted someone to control, I wanted a real future with her.

 

Relationships require both to work at things, to build things together.

 

So if she ever comes back, it will be a stronger us.

 

Your story sounds very much like mine.

 

My advice, don't throw away what has already been built. Don't burn your bridges, sometimes people just need to learn a hard lesson, and some just need to forgive and remember the actions more so than words.

[Guyouthere]

If there was an argument, let things settle out.

 

Right now there is likely hurt and a lot of emotion on both sides, which will cloud judgements.

 

From experience, I can say that I let things bother me to the point I will lash out at times, but not meaning it. Yes it causes hurt, and it is wrong.

 

Does it make me a bad person? No. I am sure you are not perfect either. You have your faults, everyone does. Part of maturing includes knowing you have them, and the largest part of a relationship is accepting the other persons faults.

 

I was and am able to do that.

 

You will never find anyone who is perfect.

 

I was there for someone through the roughest part of her life, there from day 1, saved and changed her life. Love is unconditional, and I showed that. I clothed and fed her too, was there in so many ways, and all I asked for was to have her show some tolerance and patience for me too because what she was going through also took a toll on me as well, and I reacted at times because I felt she wasn't committed. Now I realize she couldn't have been and it was wrong to push.

 

She saw this as controlling, but reality is that I never wanted someone to control, I wanted a real future with her.

 

Relationships require both to work at things, to build things together.

 

So if she ever comes back, it will be a stronger us.

 

Your story sounds very much like mine.

 

My advice, don't throw away what has already been built. Don't burn your bridges, sometimes people just need to learn a hard lesson, and some just need to forgive and remember the actions more so than words.

[Gaeta]

From experience, I can say that I let things bother me to the point I will lash out at times, but not meaning it. Yes it causes hurt, and it is wrong.

 

Does it make me a bad person? No.

 

It makes you immature, impatient, abusive, and scary. That's only for lashing out. If I knew what comes out of your mouth, and how you use your body when you're lashing out...........I could add to that.

 

Because the woman in your life accepts your poor treatment doesn't mean the rest of us women should accept the same disrespect.

[Guyouthere]

Don't be so fast to judge. Not everyone is an abuser. Sometimes people (men and women) just handle things in a way that isn't appropriate.

 

For one, I would would never nor have I ever, hit a woman. That doesn't enter my mind, never has.

 

I can become out of control with my mouth at times, but again, it doesn't make me a bad person, it just means I need to learn some better ways to handle a stressor.

 

Abuse goes both ways too, and takes many forms. Neglect, emotional or otherwise, can and does cause resentment and that too can and does lead to feelings of hurt, which can lead to an eventual "all out argument" and lashing out.

 

The underlying problems need to be addressed, often that can be all that is needed.

 

My last included a wife who cheated, was verbally abusive at times too, so I know all about it from a woman's end, what they too can do.

 

Lets be objective here.

 

Yes there is a problem,, immature, etc.

 

Overall it doesn't mean someone can't change it.

[Guyouthere]

It makes you immature, impatient, abusive, and scary. That's only for lashing out. If I knew what comes out of your mouth, and how you use your body when you're lashing out...........I could add to that.

 

Because the woman in your life accepts your poor treatment doesn't mean the rest of us women should accept the same disrespect.

 

Real maturity comes from acknowledging there is an issue, getting to the root of it, and solving the problem.

 

And when there is real love, that is what occurs…. and occurs in a sincere manner.

 

The real issue here is that a lot of woman want mr. perfect, which does not exist.

 

This woman (OP) should look at all the good the guy did for her, and I sure he did, or else she wouldn't have lasted that long.

[Guyouthere]

Original poster…..

 

Did you two also recently have a fight?

 

Just curious.

 

And from your end….

 

what (if anything) do you feel contributed to him feeling the way he did? Do you see any wrong in what you MIGHT have done?

 

For me, I can give you an example…..

 

I found out the girl was hiding a guy from me, then tried to justify it by saying "we were already broken up", and "if I didn't do this, how would I know if I really wanted an us?".

 

So that led me to "explode", and yes I did tell her "f-you" and such.

 

Call it immature, and yes it was, but at the same time, I am human and it brought back flashbacks of my previous marriage where my wife cheated, and did so excessively.

 

Was it wrong for me to say that? Yes.

 

Was it wrong for her to do what she did? Yes.

 

So the reality is we both aren't perfect.

 

Amen.

[Gaeta]

 

So the reality is we both aren't perfect.

 

Amen.

 

*depressive moods and takes it out on her

*making passive aggressive remarks

*unemployed no interest in finding a job

*he has wandering eyes

*their relationship feels more like good friends than lovers

*She is not really sexually attracted to him

 

Is this the relationship you'd wish for your daughter?

 

She is not in love with him. There is no 'love' to salvage. This is not a couple that is in love with problems as you seem to think.

[Guyouthere]

*depressive moods and takes it out on her

*making passive aggressive remarks

*unemployed no interest in finding a job

*he has wandering eyes

*their relationship feels more like good friends than lovers

*She is not really sexually attracted to him

 

Is this the relationship you'd wish for your daughter?

 

She is not in love with him. There is no 'love' to salvage. This is not a couple that is in love with problems as you seem to think.

 

On the surface, no. But, lets be fair. What has SHE done to make him feel better??? has she TRIED anything herself?

A good relationship IS both being friends AND lovers.

Sexual attraction…. lack of it can be a result of many reasons. For the girl I am speaking about, I know for a fact she was still attached to her ex, and not only that, she has bisexuality, and we didn't have a real chance to explore that aspect of things (why I said wait).

 

If it was my daughter, I would still, as I said before, look at what has already occurred,,, the good.

 

AND is there a potential for improvement, and CAN and WILL it improve? That is why I said give it time.

 

One major issue with society now is that it is quick to discard. We live in a throw away society, and that sadly includes people.

 

"move on to the next one" is all too common.