bitterlemon Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Hey guys, I would really like to know your take on this and would truly appreciate any advice on what I could do/not do. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. I was an expat in his country and we met through work. We are both 26. We are very compatible in many ways, including our lifestyle and interests, despite our different cultural upbringings. I cry very easily and do get emotional from time to time. We have little arguments and bickering but never anything too serious. He's a very straight forward guy and never hides what he's thinking. He's my first bf and I'm his first serious gf. I have met his entire family many times, and even stayed with his family alone. He even joked about babies and marriage occasionally although I know he wasn't being that serious. A few months after we got together, he landed a job in another country and I also found a job there and moved with him. He wanted to live together immediately, but in the end he had to move first and it was too much of a hassle. We never lived together, but we see each other at least 3 times a week, either with me sleeping over or vice versa. We travel together almost every weekend, within the same country or even to other countries. 2 months ago he proposed that we move in together, since he was having troubles with his roommate. I thought it was too quick to move together, and was very honest about what was going through my mind, including my insecurities of how we have not been together for that long, and moving together would be rather serious for me. He did not think the problems I mentioned were that grave, and was confident that we would work them out. I told him I needed about 2 months from then to be able to prepare myself mentally for the move. He agreed. While he brought up living together, he also said he would like to visit my country with me. The idea was to stay with my family for 10 days, probably with him sleeping on some air mattress in the living room as my family is quite conservative and my family home is very small. I didn't want him to have too high of an expectation, therefore have been telling him through different occasions about my worries (although I really did wanted him to visit my country with me and see my family, and I told him that). I was also very unsure of what my family would think, as he would be the first bf I bring home. I did not know how either side would behave, and did not want them to have any conflict. So I felt that I ought to warn both him and my family beforehand. Some of these discussions with my bf got rather heated, and I regretted talking a bit too harsh. I could see that he was very upset and started to have reservations. I knew I had to condition myself for the trip and despite my worries, I did think it would be a really nice trip to show him around my country. Shortly after that he had to go back to his country for 2 weeks. His family has always had problems which affected him quite a lot. He texted me on his second day back home and said he could not go for the trip with me anymore as his boss did not grant his leave. He could never really lie to me, and I knew something was wrong. We talked on the phone later that day, and he said I had made him not want to go one bit anymore. Something was there and now it was broken. Unlike the past months we've been together, this time he did not call me every single night, neither did he text. Before he left for home, he moved all his stuff to my place as his contract had ended and a new tenant had moved into his old place. So when he came back from his trip, he stayed at my place. We had a few normal and pleasant days, neither bringing up moving together nor the trip, until I lightly and rather jokingly mentioned that my grandmother is now upset because she wouldn't be able to meet him. He got serious and told me that the trip is like a string that's broken, and couldn't be fixed anymore. And he really has no interest in going anymore. He said he was sorry to put me in an awkward situation, but also said that it was mostly because of what I said that had "broken" this string. I felt extremely guilty, and after consulting my good friend, I told him that I wanted him to know I really, really wanted him to go, and sometimes I tend to prefer low expectations and great outcome, and often magnify flaws. I told him all I wanted was for him to like my country, and was very worried that he would be disappointed. Again he said he was very sorry, but said he could not go with me. I had already asked my boss to grant me the leave, and I told him that I didn't have to go home if he didn't want to go, and that we could go somewhere else together. Again he only said he was sorry. I told him to think about it. He also said that he was now unsure about moving in together, as he did not want to take any risk. Therefore he had asked a friend with an extra room to stay with him beginning next week. Later that evening, while we were having dinner, I mentioned 2 European countries and said hey perhaps we could go there! He gave me a sad smile and shook his head. I pretended to exclaim and said omg you don't want to go anywhere with me anymore! You don't want to travel with me and you don't want to live with me. What do we do? He replied yes you finally understand. It just hit me right then that he was serious, and I started to panic. I didn't know what to say but tried my best to act calm. We finished without talking and went home. I couldn't hold my tears and started crying, I kinda knew what was coming. So we went home and between my tears I tried to talk to him. He said he thought we have problems and some are things he can never change. He hated making me sad and just didn't know how this would work. He said he was very confused. He did not see a future with us. I stopped crying and asked what it meant, and he said that he thought we should not be together. He stressed that I am the most important person in his life, and he did not want to lose me. I told him I wouldn't be able to see him just as a friend and simply cannot keep hanging out with him knowing I cannot love him anymore. He started crying as well and said he was very sorry and this was probably the biggest mistake in his life, and that he would regret. He reassured me he would always be there, and that I am the most wonderful woman he's met. I didn't know what he meant and couldn't stop crying. He started kissing me passionately again, we didn't talk again and soon we went to bed. The next morning I calmed down and told him I understood he was confused and stressed, so I would give him space and time, and would also be there for him. It's been 3 days since the break-up speech, and we have yet to address the situation. He's been staying with me, we spent the whole weekend together in my room, doing things we've always done. We make out, we sleep together. And then he would start calling me his "friend", or referring to himself as my "friend", but also said "i love you". I am extremely confused as to what he's doing right now. I know he's going through a lot at the moment, with his family, job, and the relationship. I did not want to push him away, but I also have absolutely no idea how to act around him. He would be short in the text to inform me he's coming to my place after work, and then he would light up when he sees me. He would keep his hands from touching me, and then we would make love. I seriously do not know what to do. I do not want to let this relationship go, but I'm not sure if he just needs time or he'll just never come around. I do not want to be a doormat, but I also want to give him space and time like I said I would without pushing him to decide before he's ready. I also feel guilty of being too honest with him about my insecurities and worries, which drove him away.
thunder777 Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 err when i realized it was a novel your making us read, i stopped after 2 paragraph
casey.lives Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 if he keeps coming around.. and you keep doing what you've always done.. sounds like it will all blow over in a couple of days. just be supportive and he'll get over it.
Author bitterlemon Posted September 22, 2015 Author Posted September 22, 2015 yes i apologize for the length!
xUnknown Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Okay, so I just read the last 2 paragraphs and think I understand... He broke up with you, didn't think you two should be together, stressed from job/school/ect. You said you can't be his friend; he loves you, think he's making a mistake...ect. ect. You need to cut him off. Right now you're letting him have his cake and eat it too. He loves you, but not enough to commit to you right now. Stop seeing him, stop making out, stop sleeping together. Yes, it seems he loves you, but he wanted to end it with you. So you need to start NC and move on without him. Obviously you love him and want to be with him - but you need to show him what he's missing right now. Start NC. Tell him you love him and want to be with him, but you can't see him. Tell him if he wants to get back together he knows where you are. Give him the space he wanted and let him figure out what he wants. 2
Author bitterlemon Posted September 22, 2015 Author Posted September 22, 2015 xUnknown, thanks for your reply and taking the patience to summarize my post! I completely agree with what you said, and I am going to do that once he moves out of my place. Right now there's just no way I can kick him out... Sunday...I'll do it!
xcupid Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Very sorry to hear this has happened to you. This is complicated with him staying with you and you're still having sex with him because normally there is a complete break and a couple doesn't see each other. Wait until he leaves. Then go NC. In the meantime, act normally (or as normal as you can) around him. Don't get angry or give him a bad time about his decision to break up. Be nice to him. Let him have his space and let him work out his problems. He'll either return or not. But don't wait for him to return. Stay busy with your own life and move on. (Well written novel, by the way.) Good luck!
xUnknown Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 xUnknown, thanks for your reply and taking the patience to summarize my post! I completely agree with what you said, and I am going to do that once he moves out of my place. Right now there's just no way I can kick him out... Sunday...I'll do it! Just keep to yourself in the meantime. EDIT: After seeing the post above me saying keep normal, I would agree... but don't get intimate, cuddle, kiss or anything like that. Be yourself/cordial, but nothing a couple should do together.
Author bitterlemon Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 xcupid & xunknown, thank you for your replies. I think I knew what I should do, but just needed verification and reassurance. It's really helpful to have "real" people giving relationship advice. We've been really cordial around each other these days (evenings mostly as we both work during the day), and I've been mentally preparing myself to detach. I think I'm doing quite good so far. Still kiss but only lightly and mostly when we greet each other, have not had sex because neither had initiated, still cooking amazing meals for him because i like good food and to cook (how he'll miss having a talented chef around ha!)
Author bitterlemon Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 Just an update... He's moved out finally. I initiated the conversation last night. I knew from the whole week that he really did not want to be with me anymore, and I was well prepared for what I would say to him. I told him I knew he did not want to be with me anymore, but I will cannot just switch from gf to friend overnight, so he'll have to give me time to grieve and get over the relationship before we could really move on to be completely platonic friends. I didn't even cry. It was really hard this morning as he was packing to move out, and he had to come back again for the 2nd round of packing, which means I couldn't cry until he has completely left. I gave him a letter pretty much telling him what I think, not begging or anything, but logically explain to him that I think this is a really good time for both of us to think about what we want in any relationship, and to find ourselves again since we were both a bit lost in our relationship. He wanted to read it on spot and I told him not to, and I choked up a bit. He started crying as well and told me to take care, see people and don't hide at home all day.
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