K2z Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 I've got like three or four of them from various sources. Naturally I am clinging to them like rafts in the open ocean. Does anyone have experience implementing them? They seem a bit paint-by-numbers, and my situation is intercultural so I don't even know if they would work, even if they did work.
DirtyBerty Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Personally I don't think any 'system' works. Either your ex will have doubts and want to try again, or not. I tried desperately to get my ex back when we first split up. And it worked. But 4 years later we split again. I also had big trust issues and every time in those 4 years that we had an argument I'd worry and think she'd leave me again. I'm not someone who will say 'it's over don't go back'. I always believe that if you want to try again, then try. But be prepared for it to be a no. If it is a no you'll feel much worse, but it's temporary and comes and goes in waves. You'll have good days sooner than you'll think. But bad days too. But like I say there is no system. From personal experience I'd say give them a week or 2 to miss you and to think about things, then try again but don't beg. Just talk about to good times and don't make too many promises about changes you'll make. Because although you will make some changes, they won't last forever even though you will want them too. 2
Author K2z Posted September 22, 2015 Author Posted September 22, 2015 For me it's been a couple months, a heartfelt letter three weeks ago, a short follow up note a week ago. Promising changes, but not really begging. Aaaaand crickets. Nada. I begin to wonder if she's even seen them. I console myself with "at least it's not no" and I try to glean what I can from these ex back things.
d0nnivain Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 The only thing those systems do is part desperate people from their money. Go NC. Grieve the loss of your relationship. Learn from your mistakes & move on. That works! 4
EO422 Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 The only system that works is NC... For multiple reasons. You heal, don't have a broken heart anymore. Things can be thought through clearly. It is during this time you actually learn and grow as a person. That's the benefit for yourself..it also benefits if you get back together here is why: If you go back into a relationship hurt and the way things work, there is going to be major trust issues and right of the bat that is VERY unhealthy for a relationship. Both parties need to heal at least to a point where they are content and okay with each other. Could be 2-6 mo the before you are like that. During this time you will grow stronger. When you are like this you can also go back into that relationship with a clear head and mind, both ready for the change that has come during the break up period. Now relax her, I'm not saying everyone should break up to fix problems. If the relationship was toxic, or abusiv or anything bad at all, then it's just not worth it. If the relationship was great, it's worth a try. Sometimes people actually do make mistakes
jen1447 Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 I don't know what systems you have in mind but there are basic methods that can have some measure of success, but they're almost always poisonous to the integrity of the actual relationship. If you went down that road and actually made it 'work,' you'd have a very hollow victory at best, and misery that you sold your soul more likely.
Oregon_Dude Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Is your self-esteem so low, and your options so few - your life so incomplete - that you would want to take someone back who has already abandoned you, disrespected you and decided you were meaningless to them? If so, what you're saying is this: I'm OK with being treated like sh*t. I am putting my life on hold for you. You are the best I can do. I really doubt anyone will ever be attracted to me again. And no, these systems don't work, nor should you ever want someone back who broke your heart once. 2
GorillaTheater Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 As far as I can tell, if they come back, it's generally when you don't care anymore whether they do. So my advice, which will work in any event, is to live your life and get over them. 3
Leaa Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Let me tell you, from VERY recent personal experience. When my ex broke up with me 2 months ago, I should have just said OK and initiated NC. He broke up with me over text, because we were arguing. It seemed like just a fight. I know that if I just left him alone and didn't contact him, I would have him back right now. Especially because he broke up with me because he needed space and wanted to be single. Instead I asked if we could still be friends. We had plans for the Summer and instead of dropping them or bringing a friend with me I would beg him still to come...because he was still my friend...right?! No. big mistake. I still loved him so much and he still loved me, but no matter what he would be so unsure of getting back together with me. I would try harder than I did when we were dating, I would have sex with him still, I would go out of my way for him. None of this worked, because just a few days ago he ended up blocking me on everything. Why? Because I never gave him the space he wanted. So, if he broke up with you my advice is leave it alone. If he comes back he really does love you, and it really was meant to be. If he doesn't, don't you think you deserve better? Do you really think you're going to end up with a person FOREVER that broke your heart and left you alone? It took me 2 months too long to realize it, but I should have just left him alone and I know everything would be perfect right now. 2
S_A Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Unbelievable that a post like this pops up today of all days. Leaa, I really appreciate you sharing what you shared. There is good advice in there. I'm sorry for what you went thru.
ManyDissapoint Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Would this forum exist if they did? If you broke up with someone and they sent you a text after 30 days of silence that said, "I saw a slurpee commercial and I thought of you." make you want them back? People do get together. Hell my cousin did not do NC...kept sending poems to the girl that dumped him and he got her back. It defied everything I had been reading. Resign yourself to fate, and try not to care so much. As nihilistic as it sounds, one of the most important things I have learned from my breakup experience is to never be the one who is dumped again, and never to overinvest in anyone. Concentrate on the future, afterall you have no choice.
sly_fly1 Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 I've got like three or four of them from various sources. Naturally I am clinging to them like rafts in the open ocean. Does anyone have experience implementing them? They seem a bit paint-by-numbers, and my situation is intercultural so I don't even know if they would work, even if they did work. Hah I've been there, at one point I read every single breakup story and article on the Internet. I bought the magic of making up, which now that I think of it is a discusting way for the author to make money. Taking advantage of broken hearted people. They might as well write a bull**** story"how to bring back the dead" Let me tell you one thing, you will NEVER get your gf back. Yes you may get back together. But aslong as one member of the broken relationship has the upper hand, such as not caring because they can have you back at any moment. You will always be a door step. The only thing you can do is stop caring. Stop being a door mat. Care about yourself . Try and do better then her, but don't seem desperate and don't do anyone out of spite. Give another girl a real chance. I know you've probably herd these words a million times. But number one NO contact. Number too. Once you truly stop caring. Is when they usually start caring again. If you were together for a long time. She will creep on you, doesn't matter if she doesn't "care" about you anymore. People miss the ones at are truly gone. That's how I got back together with my gf. I truly moved on. And when my heart let go. She came back. We started over. I did not love her anymore. It's like love was the tree and the tree died but there was a seed that we re planted. Now the new tree is even stronger. move on. Woman seem to be attracted to people who move forward. Even if it's he person who just dumped your ass 1
thejabberwocky Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 If there is ANY hope at all about getting your ex back, the most efficient way to do it is actually No Contact for 60 days. It seems counter productive, but basically the idea is you disappear, work on yourself (and work on whatever you did wrong in the relationship), and while you do that, your Ex is experiencing life without you. Hopefully, this loss will make them miss you and will give them "graduation goggles" about the relationship. Graduation goggles is like when you graduate high school and you suddenly forget all the bad parts and get all nostalgic. Same thing - your ex will miss you to the point that they only remember the best parts of the relationship. This is when they start wanting you back. After 60 days, unblock their number and social media and wait for them to contact you. By now you should have emotional clarity and be able to discuss your relationship without being desperate. Then you have your best shot at reconciling the relationship. It's not a guarantee, of course. Every situation is different. The good thing about doing it this way though is that you keep your self-respect and don't have the opportunity to look like a "crazy ex" and push them away further. And if they don't want you back, NC is ALSO the best way to move on and detach emotionally. It's really your best bet either way. I've done this and gotten my ex back by doing it. However, he was still the same lying, cheating pig as he was the first time around. This doesn't change people. I personally don't believe in getting back together with an ex- you broke up for a reason. But if you really want to try, this is what I recommend. 2
Blanco Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 If there is ANY hope at all about getting your ex back, the most efficient way to do it is actually No Contact for 60 days. It seems counter productive, but basically the idea is you disappear, work on yourself (and work on whatever you did wrong in the relationship), and while you do that, your Ex is experiencing life without you. Hopefully, this loss will make them miss you and will give them "graduation goggles" about the relationship. Graduation goggles is like when you graduate high school and you suddenly forget all the bad parts and get all nostalgic. Same thing - your ex will miss you to the point that they only remember the best parts of the relationship. This is when they start wanting you back. After 60 days, unblock their number and social media and wait for them to contact you. By now you should have emotional clarity and be able to discuss your relationship without being desperate. Then you have your best shot at reconciling the relationship. It's not a guarantee, of course. Every situation is different. The good thing about doing it this way though is that you keep your self-respect and don't have the opportunity to look like a "crazy ex" and push them away further. And if they don't want you back, NC is ALSO the best way to move on and detach emotionally. It's really your best bet either way. I've done this and gotten my ex back by doing it. However, he was still the same lying, cheating pig as he was the first time around. This doesn't change people. I personally don't believe in getting back together with an ex- you broke up for a reason. But if you really want to try, this is what I recommend. Your last paragraph is why doing NC strictly to trick your ex into coming back is stupid. This method assumes that only the dumpee was responsible for the relationship ending, so while they're working on improving themselves, the dumper ostensibly doesn't change at all. So even IF they do come back, they haven't changed and it's very likely that some of the same problems with resurface if the relationship is restarted. In other words, total waste of time for everyone involved.
S_A Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Your last paragraph is why doing NC strictly to trick your ex into coming back is stupid. This method assumes that only the dumpee was responsible for the relationship ending, so while they're working on improving themselves, the dumper ostensibly doesn't change at all. So even IF they do come back, they haven't changed and it's very likely that some of the same problems with resurface if the relationship is restarted. In other words, total waste of time for everyone involved. Unless they had a mature and deep conversation over why they are breaking up when they broke up. Anyway, I really like the posts here.
thejabberwocky Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Your last paragraph is why doing NC strictly to trick your ex into coming back is stupid. This method assumes that only the dumpee was responsible for the relationship ending, so while they're working on improving themselves, the dumper ostensibly doesn't change at all. So even IF they do come back, they haven't changed and it's very likely that some of the same problems with resurface if the relationship is restarted. In other words, total waste of time for everyone involved. I agree with you completely. But I think you need to do NC either way when you breakup, so you might as well just do it and go from there. Some people do reconcile and work hard on fixing their relationship and it works the second time around. I don't think that's typical, but if OP wants to try it, then NC is the best way.
Blanco Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 I agree with you completely. But I think you need to do NC either way when you breakup, so you might as well just do it and go from there. Some people do reconcile and work hard on fixing their relationship and it works the second time around. I don't think that's typical, but if OP wants to try it, then NC is the best way. NC is hands-down the most effective way to get past the ex. It's what is working for me, after a couple months of trying to do LC. My overall point is that NC should be used, but not with the intent to get the ex back. It should be done to get the ex out of your system and help you move on with your life as quickly as possible.
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