Madicat Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 I met my boyfriend through work and we slowly grew into friends over the course of half a year. Since the beginning he made it clear he wanted to date me but I was, and am, a very shy and cautious girl so even developing our friendship was a little challenging for me. He on the other hand is a very outgoing, outspoken and confident young man. Since the beginning anyone could see how different we were, I was rather unsocial, didn't take risks or put myself out there, I even chose independent study for my last high school years. He on the other hand was a social butterfly who made sure to speak his mind and did not hold back on sowing his oats as a teen. The biggest difference between us was that he had somewhat serious relationship in his past while I had never had a real boyfriend and was a virgin in every aspect but a kiss. Despite the differences his green eyes got to me and I agreed to his plea to take me out on a date and from then on I was his and he was mine and its been the most rewarding and life changing years of my life. We've watched each other grow and mature and find ourselves and helped each other to better our lives and I love him in a way I've never loved another person and its amazing! but I'm afraid it has to end ... We have recently been discussing the future, what we want out of life and our goals, and they don't add up. His #1 is to teach and the thought of family to him is something that would get in the way, he doesn't even want a marriage until hes reaches every dream in his career. To him a family would completely get in the way of his goals and that family to him comes 3rd past work and then travel and then settling down. For me that would mean waiting 10+ years to obtain my personal #1 goal which is a family. Of course I want to work and save for a house before marriage but for me that is only 4 more years tops down the road and its my then marriage is my first priority. I know that I can not spend the next ten years of my life lifelessly making money while I wait on a man who see life with me as something further down on his list, especially when he understands that a family is so important to me. I need someone who cant wait to make me there bride because they couldn't bear to lose me and who cant wait be a parent with me and go through life together working together to support each-other with the same goal in mind. I still love him from my tippie toes to the hairs on my head and the thought of not being with everyday is devastating and unimaginable, but I need to know when the right time is to let him go so i can search for someone who wants what fills my heart with joy just to think about, a family. what would you do if you were me? Do I stay with him knowing the inevitable because I still love him dearly, and if so how much longer? Or do I let him go now to save some of the heartbreak and so I can work on my dreams. ( if you read all of that good for you and thank you I really appreciate that you took the time ) P.S. we are both in our early 20's and have dated for 2 glorious years.
d0nnivain Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 In my early 20s, I wanted career & financial stability before I considered family. While I waited too long, I still see the validity of his position. For you to make a choice about leaving now vs sticking it out a little longer you need to think about how "early" in your 20s you are AND what is he doing toward achieving those career goals? If he's sitting on his butt, just leave now. If he's in school, perhaps consider sticking around until he graduates & gets his 1st real job. He may change his mind within the next 10 years. You are already willing to wait 4 years. But I would encourage you to save for your own house no matter what your relationship status. 4
Diezel Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 If in 4 years you are still with him and he still feels the same way, will you regret those 4 years? 1
salparadise Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 what would you do if you were me? Do I stay with him knowing the inevitable because I still love him dearly, and if so how much longer? Or do I let him go now to save some of the heartbreak and so I can work on my dreams. I know that love and strong attachment make it difficult, but if you're sure of what you want and what he wants is entirely different... then I agree that you need to pursue your dreams. As to the timing? The longer you wait the harder it's likely to be, and your time is precious. He's probably not going to make it easy for you since he's actually pursuing his dream and getting his needs met in terms of companionship, sex, etc. Meanwhile, you're paying a high price in terms of opportunity cost, and you're biological clock is ticking away even if it's not ready to chime midnight for a few more years. Those years will be gone in the blink of an eye, and you just don't want to be treading water. My thinking is that two years is plenty. You've had opportunity to grow and mature and learn the ways of love through the relationship. What else is there for you besides checking more days off the calendar while standing still rather than pursuing your goals. Since you know what you want out of life, my advice would be to thank him for two wonderful years, look only forward and take the next steps on your journey with a clear head, open heart, and lots of enthusiasm. 4
d0nnivain Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 My thinking is that two years is plenty. . Depends on which 2 years they were. OP said they are in their early 20s. So if those 2 years spanned 19-21 I disagree that 2 years is enough time for both parties to really be focused on career v starting a family and I would encourage them to take more time to find a balance that includes being able to afford to have this family. Popping out kids without a good job, health insurance, a safe place to live or a solid financial foundation is not exactly a brilliant plan. 2
Gloria25 Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Why can't they just marry and put off having kids? There "are" couples who successfuly pulled that off. It's called "communication", "planning", "teamwork". A couple - especially before marriage, do premarital counseling and hash out all this stuff.
salparadise Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Depends on which 2 years they were. OP said they are in their early 20s. So if those 2 years spanned 19-21 I disagree that 2 years is enough time for both parties to really be focused on career v starting a family and I would encourage them to take more time to find a balance that includes being able to afford to have this family. Popping out kids without a good job, health insurance, a safe place to live or a solid financial foundation is not exactly a brilliant plan. I'm not thinking that she should be "popping out kids" in the next year or two, but she should be dating people whose dreams align with her's. I'd just hate to see her spend five or ten more years with this guy only to be at exactly the same crossroad she is now, but looking at a decade of prime years in the rearview mirror. At her age, and because she knows where she's headed, she should be dating to find the guy who is marriage material and totally on board. 2
readynow Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 First, I'm very impressed that you are able to look beyond your emotions to see what you really want. He already told you priority for him is his career which could take another 10yrs to establish. He's very reasonable to recognise that teaching is a very stressful career and kids would be an unnecessary hindrance to him. Do you want to wait for him and begin starting a family in your 30s? While it's great for others, it doesn't seem like what you want for yourself. My best friends are teachers who married each other and decided to put off children till things weren't so busy. That was 20yrs ago and now, they've put off kids for good. I say bite the bullet, suffer the heartbreak and leave him now in pursuit of your own priorities. Obviously, focus on your own career too, save up for your house and other things you want and look out for someone whose life goals are similar to yours. 1
Recommended Posts