Ending it for a better life...Questions for those of you who moved on...

[Dolce15]

I've been seeing someone for the last 5 years, its sort of complicated and twisted how we met, he was married and I was with my ex, my ex knew about him. Like I said its twisted and my ex encouraged it which is why I'm not longer with him because he had a lot of issues especially around sex. Either way, I grew to love this man and he's always been supportive of me. I broke up with my ex over a year ago, I want to get married and have a family. I'll be 30 in February. I've done a lot of healing and work around self-development and just being more self-aware in general over the last year.

 

Last month I told him that I deserve to find real love, I deserve to find someone who can reciprocate love and attention the way I do. I truly feel that in order for me to meet someone worth my time, someone I want to start a family with and truly loves me, I have to cut off whatever relationship it is that I have with this man. I guess its the whole law of attraction thing, why would I ever get anything better when I clearly am okay with coming last to his wife, his family, spending weekends alone, waiting for little attention handouts, and I told him all this. I also think why would God or Universe of whichever give me a happy and loving relationship when I am seeing someone that is married and lying and cheating on his wife, everything I don't want, who am I to ask for anything better. When I ask these questions it helps take some of the pain away that I feel when I think of ending it.

 

We met and discussed all this, cried together but he understood and said that the way I was thinking was wise, it will be a heartbreak for him but he wants to see me happy and with a family.

 

I'd like to think we could still remain friends in some form or another, without the sexual piece. I don't know if this is realistic or not. Have any of you ever been able to maintain a friendship with your ex?

 

Second question, when you ended it, did you feel like your opportunities to meet others opened up? Did anyone find their significant other or get married?

 

I'd love to hear stories from those that have successfully ended things and moved on and are in happy and loving relationships now. Thank you!

[privategal]

Gently do not be friends. Your heart never moved on that way and your still used as emotional support giving him the strength to stay married and ego strokes.

If you really want to be strong stick with your resolve to make a better life by attracting love and do not substitute this man to replace the initial lonlines and doubts.

You notice he didn't argue or say stay?

Its because hes got a wife to meet his needs.

Please dont be the friend who also meets his needs you would be surprised how the friendship will still have you waiting by the phone for breadcrumbs, eliminating the sex does nothing much. You gotta make a clean break and you have...you said goodbye.

Best wishes!

[Grapesofwrath]

"Being friends" is a trap. Maybe, in some distant future place, you could possibly be "friendly." But right now the fantasy of "being friends" just keeps you engaged with each other, prevents healing, and drags you backward.

 

My xMM would suggest that we be friends, and he would voice encouragement for me to find someone who could give me what I deserve. What I didn't see at first was that he kind of thought I would do that while still being in the A. So he could get his needs met and feel less guilty about preventing me from having a full life. It's selfishness.

 

It's scary to do at first, but honestly there is nothing better than making that break and going NC. I haven't found my future partner yet, but it's okay. I will. And even if I never do, at least I'm living with integrity. No more lying to friends or family, carefully staying inside lines he has created for me, or counting days until he would be available to see me again. Torture. And a waste of time.

[Eagle's-bargain]

1. I'd like to think we could still remain friends in some form or another, without the sexual piece. I don't know if this is realistic or not.
   
2. Have any of you ever been able to maintain a friendship with your ex?
    
   
3. Second question, when you ended it, did you feel like your opportunities to meet others opened up?
   
4. Did anyone find their significant other or get married?
    
   
5. I'd love to hear stories from those that have successfully ended things and moved on and are in happy and loving relationships now. Thank you!
   

 

 

1. No, I don't think you can remain in contact. It will breed more pain and resentment.

 

2. No. I have found it unhealthy. I have been in ONE relationship with a friend, but it was not emotionally intimate, even though we lived with each other for a year. We're still associates and her mother likes me, but when I expressed interest in her she said, "We were just **** buddies." I don't think it was callous on her part, I just think she was going through a rough emotional patch and I was better than duct tape at the time.

 

So no, I don't think you can just "be friends" with people you bump uglies with. I think it takes facile people or people who are not ready to settle down to have this kind of relationship.

 

3. No. I was still reeling. I needed more "me" time.

 

4. Not applicable. I'm waiting for a woman to be considered my "friend" before I can say "significant".

 

5. Things did end for me. Are they happy? I will admit that I am grim about the future. Seeing a friend's reaction after sharing my "blemish" is shocking. "Good for you." I was told after I said I felt ashamed I was the OM. Happier? I think I have accepted my end of the bargain in an affair. I had a lot less to lose community wise, even friend and resource wise; however, what I lost in terms of who I am was that I was embittered by the experience. The experience of relationships have led me to be wary of most people. Somehow, I still have healthy and long-lasting relationships with others and an associate of mine recently said that "You leave an impression on people which I can say personally is a good impression!" I suppose that's my general attitude on life with others around, but to recap on the question: what makes you think anyone who has been in an affair or the OM/OW actually deserves "love" and "happiness"? I don't mean to raise this question out of disregard for those who want to "move on". These thoughts are just my opinion.

[Clockwatching]

I've been out of contact with my MM for 6.5 weeks, after trying to be friends - I can honestly say that I feel better for admitting that friendship isn't possible for me.

 

1. Without the sex I was still a secret - the thought of being someone who had to be hidden felt like I was someone he was ashamed of - his little secret. I can't live like that and feel that I'm a great friend, partner and person - the thought of him passing me on the street and having to blank me fills me with horror and I know I deserve more than that.

 

2. As above, I've not maintained a friendship - he would like one, but then he still wants to be married and I would still be a secret. I believe that he gets an emotional outlet and intimacy from me that he doesn't have elsewhere in his life, which makes me feel used and sad that he doesn't understand that the better option is to learn and build on the things that you really want out of life, not hang on to things and people that do that but in a toxic way. I don't think he acknowledges that this just makes it an emotional affair without the sex. It stops you from moving on, grieving it all out, and focusing on your life.

 

3. Yes I feel that opportunities are out there for me now that I'm severing the bond - I feel more myself, able to appreciate the feelings I had for him without hanging on to them or him - not possible whilst still in contact.

 

4. Not applicable to me either - still fresh out of the affair.

 

5. I feel that I'm capable of a loving relationship totally, if it happens great, if not, there are other things in life to keep me happy and keep me growing as a person - the affair however, is not one of them.

 

In short, I don't think it's worth it - unless you're particularly hardy it'll keep you in 'what if' land, it'll make you read into everything he says, reliving the feelings and connection that you had and expending emotional energy on someone who can't/won't give you anything back.

 

If he's being honest enough to say he won't leave his wife - be honest to admit to your own needs and wants. Your job in life is to experience yourself, grow and progress as a person in your own unique way, your job is not to satiate someone else's needs at the expense of your own life purpose. He's on different co-ordinates to you, and that's ok - it doesn't devalue any part of how you felt or what happened - everything happens for a reason. Let it enrich you and move on. Best of luck xx

[Dolce15]

I've been out of contact with my MM for 6.5 weeks, after trying to be friends - I can honestly say that I feel better for admitting that friendship isn't possible for me.

 

If he's being honest enough to say he won't leave his wife - be honest to admit to your own needs and wants. Your job in life is to experience yourself, grow and progress as a person in your own unique way, your job is not to satiate someone else's needs at the expense of your own life purpose. He's on different co-ordinates to you, and that's ok - it doesn't devalue any part of how you felt or what happened - everything happens for a reason. Let it enrich you and move on.

 

This really resonated with me. I don't know how many times he was brutally honest over the years and it left me hurt and crying, but he was honest and you're completely right, I should be honest enough to admit my own needs and wants and for so long I've always put them on the back burner. Even now he's wanting 'one more trip' before we really call it quits, inside I know I do not want that but I'm entertaining the idea to appease him because I don'ts ant to hurt him, but at the end of the trip its going to be me who is hurting because I'll go home to an empty apartment and he'll go be with his wonderful family.

 

I think being in this sort of situation has just taught me to get used to being last, even my feelings are secondary, and I'm done with it. I know what I deserve and who I am as a person and what I can offer in a relationship, I'll be 30 in a few months and I don't want to start the next chapter of my life being someones 'fantasy' for a couple hours a week.

 

I truly appreciate all the replies....it helps more than I can say.

[privategal]

This really resonated with me. I don't know how many times he was brutally honest over the years and it left me hurt and crying, but he was honest and you're completely right, I should be honest enough to admit my own needs and wants and for so long I've always put them on the back burner. Even now he's wanting 'one more trip' before we really call it quits, inside I know I do not want that but I'm entertaining the idea to appease him because I don'ts ant to hurt him, but at the end of the trip its going to be me who is hurting because I'll go home to an empty apartment and he'll go be with his wonderful family.

 

I think being in this sort of situation has just taught me to get used to being last, even my feelings are secondary, and I'm done with it. I know what I deserve and who I am as a person and what I can offer in a relationship, I'll be 30 in a few months and I don't want to start the next chapter of my life being someones 'fantasy' for a couple hours a week.

 

I truly appreciate all the replies....it helps more than I can say.

 

I hope you can decline the trip and don't worry about hurting him, its you thats gotta have your own back. Requesting that of you is selfish, someone who loved you wouldn't put you innthe position of one last hurrah then go back home and say goodbye while you have to heal alone. Sooner is better for you and you sound quite certain though it hurts I know you will be ok. Stay strong.

[Grapesofwrath]

I agree with the above. It's a selfish request from him and doesn't consider what the aftermath would be for you. Additionally...try to imagine yourself on the trip. How fun would it be, knowing it's the end? Knowing he is about to abandon you again, would you even enjoy it? To create more memories with him now is masocistic. It's just pain leading up to more pain. Don't do this to yourself.

[Dolce15]

I e-mailed him on Tuesday and told him I couldn't do it anymore and that the trip would only put me in a worse place then I already am. I told him it never made sense to me but I realized I only said okay to make him happy and I need to start thinking of my happiness. He e-mailed back and said he understood, said thank you for the love I gave him over the years and he didn't deserve it and if I could just send an e-mail once in a while to let him know how things are going.

 

I felt relief when I sent it and was in a good place the next day, but after that I feel really lost and hopeless. He was like a best friend to me, I sometimes wish he would have done something so I hated him because whatever I'm feeling sucks and I don't have anyone except my best friend I can talk to about this but she moved out of state for a job so I feel so alone. I know it is normal and takes time but yeah...this forum has been really helpful and I'm thankful for that.