Am I am too direct/honest?

[ScienceGal]

I am not currently dating, nor do I have extensive dating experience. I am 33 and have had mostly long term relationships with people I've met in real life (never really done online dating). A friend of a friend got in touch with me recently because he is interested in getting to know me. He knows I am newly single and not looking to date, but the mutual friend has mentioned me over the years, so he wanted to reach out.

 

We've been chatting. He seems nice, but I was feeling that differences were becoming apparent. Not a big deal yet, but worth noting. It's possible we'll realize we're incompatible before even discussing the possibility of dating. So, when the topic of politics came up, I didn't hold back. I told him I am not overly political, but tend to be more liberal. Human rights issues are important to me, such as same sex marriage and women's access to healthcare (I support Planned Parenthood). I said I'm getting the impression he might be more conservative.

 

Then POOF, he is gone... no response. Maybe he is busy or something came up. I guess he could still message, but I'm not feeling it. I'm more intrigued now. Do some men not appreciate honesty? I mean geez, when I do get back to dating, I am not going to tip toe around. What's wrong with being honest, especially when given a question? And what's with the disappearing act?

Edited September 22, 2015 by ScienceGal

[RoseVille]

Why are you equating honesty with incompatibility?

[losangelena]

I am not currently dating, nor do I have extensive dating experience. I am 33 and have had mostly long term relationships with people I've met in real life (never really done online dating). A friend of a friend got in touch with me recently because he is interested in getting to know me. He knows I am newly single and not looking to date, but the mutual friend has mentioned me over the years, so he wanted to reach out.

 

We've been chatting. He seems nice, but I was feeling that differences were becoming apparent. Not a big deal yet, but worth noting. It's possible we'll realize we're incompatible before even discussing the possibility of dating. So, when the topic of politics came up, I didn't hold back. I told him I am not overly political, but tend to be more liberal. Human rights issues are important to me, such as same sex marriage and women's access to healthcare (I support Planned Parenthood). I said I'm getting the impression he might be more conservative.

 

Then POOF, he is gone... no response. Maybe he is busy or something came up. I guess he could still message, but I'm not feeling it. I'm more intrigued now. Do some men not appreciate honesty? I mean geez, when I do get back to dating, I am not going to tip toe around. What's wrong with being honest, especially when given a question? And what's with the disappearing act?

 

I've had a number of conservative guys stop talking to me once they realize I am not conservative. I personally think people with opposing political views can get along, but I guess some people don't think that way!

 

I dunno, OP. You've mentioned this guy before, so I know you were looking forward to meeting him, but if someone is going to be so inflexible to not allow you to have differing opinions, then they were not a good fit anyway.

 

Then again, you have no idea what is was that caused him to go poof. It may not have been you/your political stance at all.

[ScienceGal]

I don't equate the two. I meant appreciate honesty. That honesty can lead to incompatibility, it would just be decent for the person to express that.

 

I did a brief stint on online dating and would tell each guy when I was no longer interested, even if he had only sent one initial message. If we had chatted for a while, I said it was nice to do so, but I didn't feel we were compatible. Most seemed to appreciate it. Maybe a non-response is common and I am just unaware of it.

[ScienceGal]

I've had a number of conservative guys stop talking to me once they realize I am not conservative. I personally think people with opposing political views can get along, but I guess some people don't think that way!

 

I also feel this way. There are always things that can be compromised and things that cannot. For example, I am not too keen about guns, but I accept people like to shoot them and go hunting (for food). I just wish there was more regulation. I would not have an issue dating someone who owns and uses guns. That can be compromised.

 

A friend of mine (she has similar views as me) is with a man who thinks gay people have some sort of mental retardation. I could not ever be with someone who felt that way. It's offensive, in my opinion. Yet, it doesn't bother her. She is liberal, he is very much conservative. It works for them, somehow.

 

I didn't think this guy and I had reached the point of no longer talking. I didn't even hear his stance/opinions yet! But, that's ok. If anything, it's a good mini lesson for me.

[losangelena]

I also feel this way. There are always things that can be compromised and things that cannot. For example, I am not too keen about guns, but I accept people like to shoot them and go hunting (for food). I just wish there was more regulation. I would not have an issue dating someone who owns and uses guns. That can be compromised.

 

A friend of mine (she has similar views as me) is with a man who thinks gay people have some sort of mental retardation. I could not ever be with someone who felt that way. It's offensive, in my opinion. Yet, it doesn't bother her. She is liberal, he is very much conservative. It works for them, somehow.

 

I didn't think this guy and I had reached the point of no longer talking. I didn't even hear his stance/opinions yet! But, that's ok. If anything, it's a good mini lesson for me.

 

One of my friend's exs was relentlessly racist. Had bad things to say about everyone! My friend was from Brazil though, and I never understood how she could live with that stuff for so long.

 

I'm with you; some things are dealbreakers but some are OK. I guess we all have our *things*.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Maybe you scared him off with science...

[bluefeather]

Yes, I appreciate directness and honesty. But I appreciate being told the truth in a kind way most of the time. You can be blunt in a rude/cold way, or you can be truthful in a kind way. How you deliver a message can say a lot about you.

 

I'm all for getting right to the hard stuff. I would skip politics and go straight into religion. But even if their beliefs differ from mine, I don't get turned off unless there is hatred/racism.

 

Also, if you're chatting/texting, you're missing out on half of the message, and half of the fun.

[TunaCat]

Even if you not being conservative, politically speaking, was a dealbreaker to him, he STILL should have communicated that to you instead of being immature and disappearing on you.

 

As an aside, I am VERY blunt & honest & direct.

[Celeste.Carol]

Even if you not being conservative, politically speaking, was a dealbreaker to him, he STILL should have communicated that to you instead of being immature and disappearing on you.

 

As an aside, I am VERY blunt & honest & direct.

 

 

Absolutely! He may be a crazy conservative, one with bullhorns that lets of steam! I have many in my family and circle.

 

 

I believed you dodged a bullet, he did not even have the respect to speak with you about it.

[road]

I am not currently dating, nor do I have extensive dating experience. I am 33 and have had mostly long term relationships with people I've met in real life (never really done online dating). A friend of a friend got in touch with me recently because he is interested in getting to know me. He knows I am newly single and not looking to date, but the mutual friend has mentioned me over the years, so he wanted to reach out.

 

We've been chatting. He seems nice, but I was feeling that differences were becoming apparent. Not a big deal yet, but worth noting. It's possible we'll realize we're incompatible before even discussing the possibility of dating. So, when the topic of politics came up, I didn't hold back. I told him I am not overly political, but tend to be more liberal. Human rights issues are important to me, such as same sex marriage and women's access to healthcare (I support Planned Parenthood). I said I'm getting the impression he might be more conservative.

 

Then POOF, he is gone... no response. Maybe he is busy or something came up. I guess he could still message, but I'm not feeling it. I'm more intrigued now. Do some men not appreciate honesty? I mean geez, when I do get back to dating, I am not going to tip toe around. What's wrong with being honest, especially when given a question? And what's with the disappearing act?

It has nothing to do with you being honest.

It has everything to do with you having totally different values.

 

 

Example with all the news and videos on Planned Parenthood. Carly Fiorina speaking out her position on PPH during the last republican debate.

 

 

How can you a supporter of PPH and a man that strongly agrees with Fiorina ever marry and raise a family. Years later you have kids and are teaching them PPH is good and your husband teaching PPH is evil.

 

 

And, I have to point out that this is only one example where you and this man have many other views that are just as incompatible and will cause many incendiary conflicts.

 

 

So after 5 minutes of the greatest sex ever means that 23 hours and 55 minutes are left where you two will be name call and hurling insults.

 

 

He new that those 5 minutes were not worth it and cut you off now. He knew that you will not change your beliefs for him. But you seem to appear that it is unreasonable for him to not change for you.

[joseb]

It

So after 5 minutes of the greatest sex ever means that 23 hours and 55 minutes are left where you two will be name call and hurling insults..

 

Five minutes???

[kendahke]

Then POOF, he is gone... no response. Maybe he is busy or something came up. I guess he could still message, but I'm not feeling it. I'm more intrigued now. Do some men not appreciate honesty? I mean geez, when I do get back to dating, I am not going to tip toe around. What's wrong with being honest, especially when given a question? And what's with the disappearing act?

 

There's nothing wrong with being honest. It's a shame that he wasn't either honest or brave enough to tell you that he doesn't think the same way you do before vaporizing on you.

 

Why are you making his actions all about you when they're not?

 

He's not busy and nothing came up. It's best that he leaves sooner than later if he's going to bolt at all.

[Lansing]

I think it depends on "how" the conversation happened. Sometimes people preach or rant a out something. Sometimes people make assumptions about me and I feel like they are constantly jumping to conclusions without actually talking to me about issues. I think it might be better to have a discussion vs saying "these are all if the things I believe in". Instead of assuming his belief and saying he comes across as conservative maybe talk about one topic that is relevant in something that happened that day and ask his view on Spit also might have been so ring unrelated to your actual political view that turned him off.

[Diezel]

Texting about politics or religion.

 

He should have known better.

[Siquijor]

Planned parenthood might have been the decider.

[Karimikui]

I'm very left wing and I've attempted to date very conservative guys before. In each case I could not fully respect the guy in the end because of his politics. Relationships are often more harmonious when you are in a fairly similar place politically.

[ScienceGal]

He knew that you will not change your beliefs for him. But you seem to appear that it is unreasonable for him to not change for you.

 

I'm not sure how you got the impression that I want him to change for me.

 

A short and simple "sorry, we're just very different so this isn't going to work" message wouldn't been nice, that's all.

[ScienceGal]

Thanks everyone!

 

No matter what, I will never leave or decide to stop pursuing someone without telling them! And, I'll never stop being direct and honest!

[Disconnect]

Some men just don't like opinionated women; it intimidates them. What you said wasn't especially full-on, though, just pretty standard views.

 

When you find the right person, you'll feel free to just be yourself and say how you feel on all subjects, the guy will be hungry for your opinions / to learn everything about you. Agreeing on everything is boring anyway.

 

I reckon he just got busy, or he thought you didn't like him, or you were putting barriers up. Since he doesn't really know you, if you didn't encourage him he couldn't be bothered to chase so just left it. But who knows. I don't think it's really worth your time / worry, though. :-)

[losangelena]

Texting about politics or religion.

 

He should have known better.

 

 

I agree! What? I got the impression that y'all had met in person. What a dolt!! Couldn't he have thought of more interesting/fun/noncontroversial topics??

 

Jeez, SG you really did dodge a bullet.