Girl i've been hanging out with had sex with my friend after thinking i rejected her

[GemmaUK]

What has therapy resolved for you at this point?

What have you learned from and changed?

 

Or are you still at the 'poor me' she did 'this' and basically 'wanting validation for your behaviour' stage?

(I'm not meaning to offend by asking the last question - it was simply an easy way and quick way to word it)

[unoaime]

There was a point where i'd be kicking off at home, crying and being angry over a relationship ruined through illness (with all the blame on my Dad, it was his damp garage conversion i moved into as a bedroom that got me ill in the first place). I haven't kicked off in months and months.

 

As for the "woe is me" thing. Despite long talks about it, i don't know if i will ever get past it just somehow learn to deal/cope with it. I feel woe for the both of us and can't stop reliving it. It's like PTSD, i know people get offended by that and i'm not saying that's what it is, but it sounds very similar. In a stupid mucked up way in my progress to try and get over her as such, those thoughts still hurting me to my core makes me know i'm still in love. It hasn't stopped despite talking about it a million times, and it hasn't stopped when i don't talk about it for several months. It's just...i don't know. I'm trying my best, really i am but i feel like it's screwed me up for life. I just hope she's feeling good about herself.

[unoaime]

Also, i've learnt a lot about perception. Obviously i saw it all as malicious, hence taking it out on her, when whilst i think i was involved, i really wasn't. Who knows, if i felt as rejected as she did - maybe i would have even done the same thing.

[central]

I'm somewhat undecided on this one. Yes, you apparently rejected her, but she IMMEDIATELY had sex with your friend. Yes, she may be a sweet girl, but her behavior with your friend was also blatantly promiscuous, and done right in front of you. If that was revenge for rejecting her, it's petty and disrespectful.

 

Actually, you probably are better off without her.

[unoaime]

She was embarassed, alone and drunk, he started kissing her... i was so hurt and ill i pretended to have passed out, they went into another room.

[unoaime]

Would anyone want to read the transcript she messaged me on facebook a couple of days after?

[ThugLifing]

I'm somewhat undecided on this one. Yes, you apparently rejected her, but she IMMEDIATELY had sex with your friend. Yes, she may be a sweet girl, but her behavior with your friend was also blatantly promiscuous, and done right in front of you. If that was revenge for rejecting her, it's petty and disrespectful.

 

Actually, you probably are better off without her.

 

Have to agree with this.

 

OP, stop beating yourself up over this. It wasn't your fault that she made a poor choice that night. Even if she was rejected, having sex with your friend is inexcusable and was a backstabbing move. I would be turned off by a girl who did that too. That's not unreasonable or abusive.

 

No one likes hearing about someone they like having sex with someone else..especially while you're in the same room, AND with your friend. Wtf. And if your friend knew you had any type of past with her, you're wise for cutting him out of your life. Good friends don't cross that line.

 

You might not have treated her properly after, but she burned you. You should've let it go then instead of torturing yourself and her.

 

This girl isn't stable. No matter how perfect you keep saying she is, she's damaged..and the sleeping with your friend after you hurt her feelings should've told you that.

 

You can't save or fix anyone. Stop telling yourself how different it would've been if you could've stopped being grossed out by that night. Learn to leave early when you see red flags. Move on to women that share the same types morals you do. Mentally stable ones that you won't have to save or feel sorry for their pasts. Your love life will then improve.

[GemmaUK]

Would anyone want to read the transcript she messaged me on facebook a couple of days after?

 

Yes, I would if you feel t's relevant.

 

PS. I am writing up a reply in a draft email to copy over to here but have a few distractions going on here at the moment. I'll make sure I read up on any other posts you make before I post on here. I prefer to think a bit before posting especially with something like this which is a bit more complicated.

[kendahke]

There was a point where i'd be kicking off at home, crying and being angry over a relationship ruined through illness (with all the blame on my Dad, it was his damp garage conversion i moved into as a bedroom that got me ill in the first place).

 

That doesn't excuse the fact that you chose not to be honest with her when you had the chance to do so. You decided to reject her and give her no explanation as to why you were doing that to her--and besides, you weren't even dating her at the time.

 

Taking responsibility for your actions at some point here might be a good sign.

 

As for the "woe is me" thing. Despite long talks about it, i don't know if i will ever get past it just somehow learn to deal/cope with it. I feel woe for the both of us and can't stop reliving it. It's like PTSD, i know people get offended by that and i'm not saying that's what it is, but it sounds very similar. In a stupid mucked up way in my progress to try and get over her as such, those thoughts still hurting me to my core makes me know i'm still in love. It hasn't stopped despite talking about it a million times, and it hasn't stopped when i don't talk about it for several months. It's just...i don't know. I'm trying my best, really i am but i feel like it's screwed me up for life. I just hope she's feeling good about herself.

 

It's not her fault that you didn't have the courage to be honest with her when the time came. You would have avoided all of the above had you been brave.

[unoaime]

GemmaUK, awesome. This forum is great - it's great to hear someones actually planning a reply like that. I've been struggling for so long.

 

kendahke, i know all that - that's why i feel so **** and bitter. But honestly, can you tell me if you were crushing on a girl, and you know she's crushing on you that you'd open up about a long-term oral problem you'd been putting up with and trying to get to the bottom of for a long time? You want this girl to think the world of you. I actually spent the 3 weeks trying my best, drinking loads of water, avoid all sugar, detoxes etc to try and heal the problem so i could kiss her and failed at the last hurdle.

 

Transcript in next post.

[unoaime]

If anyone takes the time to read this. Know that at this point i had no real history with her - i didn't know anything of what she'd been through in terms of physically abusive exes, her upbringing or anything - so if i sound not very understanding or a bit mean - just imagine where my head was at this point in time. Sorry for formatting but it should be easy enough to follow.

 

"Her I know I've **** you off.. I'm sorry but please stop this stupid offness and let me explain

 

Me 03/03/2014 21:48 Me i'm not being off. if you got things to say though, then say them.

 

Her 03/03/2014 21:49 Her I'm sorry

 

Me 03/03/2014 21:51 Me Why would you be sorry?

 

Her 03/03/2014 21:55 Her Cause I shouldn't have gone with Ash.. I made a mistake.. A massive mistake.. You know those "barriers" I keep going on about.. Think maybe I should look closer to home than assume it's other people

 

Me 03/03/2014 21:59 Me I just expected a bit more of you is all, rather than just being someones fly by night story. I know what Ash is like, i was the same at his age, i thought you'd see through it and have a bit more respect, meh.

 

Her 03/03/2014 22:01 Her Yeah I know.. But maybe I have no respect for myself.. Look I know I've messed up to be honest I haven't felt like this.. My head was shot it's **** but for once I'm actually hurting.. I was scared and that's what I do.. **** about with people I know nothing will happen with cause then I can't get hurt..

 

Me 03/03/2014 22:03 Scared of getting hurt by what?

 

Her 03/03/2014 22:03 Her U I dont wana be the next Katrina The more time we spent chatting the more I liked u But I knew after the event the whole "friend" thing would be over and I **** up

 

Me 03/03/2014 22:05 U know, i felt a similar way in terms of the event. but it went the opposite way.

 

Her 03/03/2014 22:05 Her What u mean

 

Me 03/03/2014 22:07 Me i mean we had a little kiss, but i was never gonna do anything more than that with someone else there. look away for less than a minute and i knew exactly what was going on, and it genuinely shocked me, i knew if i went to sleep you two would continue in the other room.

 

Her 03/03/2014 22:11 Her I was an idiot, I did it because I have no respect for myself that's all I think I am.. I felt stupid for thinking you liked me and to be honest I didn't carry it on with you so you wouldn't have to make some crappy excuse to me in the morning about how I was a mistake! You don't get it I'm trying to be honest with u here I generally have not felt this ****! Ever! Guess all I can say is sorry! I'm stupid, a mess and I should have not been such a **** idiot

 

Me 03/03/2014 22:17 Me if i'd have just had an excuse in the morning, surely i'd have been a lot more forward with it? Her

 

03/03/2014 22:19 Her I'm not asking you to understand what goes through my head cause I don't! All I know is that this was proper stupid of me and I should have just followed my heart and not listened to my stupid insecurity! I honestly thought you were being nice till the charity was over, I never thought I'd miss u, I never thought any of this would happen cause I didn't think I'd ever be on your scale.. If I ever was

 

Me 03/03/2014 22:22 Me My scale?

 

Her 03/03/2014 22:22 Her Come on.. You could get anyone u want and u bloody know it

 

Me And i was nice to you the whole night, i didn't have to be. I did it because i wanted too, and because you deserved it. Donating a tenner to my own charity really wasn't a hindering point. And uhh, ok?

 

Her 03/03/2014 22:25 Her Well we both know I didn't deserve it.. Look I don't open up much.. Well never.. I just wanted you to know I'm sorry.. Really sorry.. I messed up and should never have dragged you into my mess of a head and I didn't mean to Me

 

03/03/2014 22:31 Me What do you expect me to say?

 

Her 03/03/2014 22:31 Her Nothing Just understand I made a mistake I'm not a bad person I know you think I am atm but I'm not

 

Me 03/03/2014 22:36 Me i understand that you made a mistake, that's obvious. one of my close mates, and spent half the day laughing about it.

 

Her 03/03/2014 22:36 Her I didn't

 

Me 03/03/2014 22:36 Me i mean him.

 

Her 03/03/2014 22:36 Her I was gutted all day I'm sorry I've tried to explain.. Pretty **** At it I know.. I was scared you were going to hurt me.. That's no excuse I know but it how I think.. But the difference is this time I actually feel hurt more.. And it's ****.. It's upto u now if u wana hate me.. But I had to try

 

Me 03/03/2014 22:59 Me **** as a newt and still didn't do anything because i had respect for you. only person hurting you is urself.

 

Her 03/03/2014 23:00 Her I know! Don't you think I don't know that! I mis-judged you! I mis-judged my feelings, I **** up! I know I did and trust me I regret it!

 

Me 03/03/2014 23:06 Me it's the conversations we've had, like taking more chances, and things like that that irks me. as we talked, it was attributed to us in some way. and then u do something beyond ridiculous because u were scared of getting hurt. it just makes no sense.

 

Her 03/03/2014 23:08 Her Because I never believed in those conversations you were talking about me! I didn't think you would ever look at me that way! I don't make sense.. But I'm taking a massive chance here.. To prove I am not a bad person I just need to be helped

 

Me 03/03/2014 23:13 Me it wasn't really at first, but then it was kinda nice for someone to actually get the **** i was talking, and my sense of humour. it's strange how fast opinions of people can change though.

 

Her 03/03/2014 23:14 Her I deserve that

 

Her 03/03/2014 23:23 Her I still do get what you say and I still am that person.. I just messed up through my own insecurities.. I've only opened up to you because I thought you'd understand.. I never ever meant or wanted this to happen.. I just assumed you were like all the rest and I'd be your next pub story and I couldn't let that happen but all I can think about now is how stupid I was cause your not like them.. I was wrong, so wrong.. But I didn't want YOU to hurt me and how I handled it was stupid but that's cause I've never had to do this before cause I've never actually cared that much before.. Youre different tho I just didn't realise.. Until I guess it's too late

 

Her 04/03/2014 00:13 Her Say something?

 

Me 04/03/2014 00:15 Me i don't know what to say. it's weird. i feel like i've been mugged off, or cheated on.

 

Her 04/03/2014 00:18 Her But you haven't! I made a mistake! I would never mug you off! Def wouldn't cheat have cheated on you! Have you never done something stupid?

 

Me 04/03/2014 00:23 Me of course i have, my life is full of mistakes. but i've never got with someone a minute after kissing the person i apparently like, that persons good mate no less, and being less than a foot away.

 

Her Touché Her 04/03/2014 00:32 Her Nothing I can say is going to change what I did so there's no point me trying.. I made a horrific mistake.. I wasn't thinking straight I was trying to protect myself in the worst possible way because I was scared! And we know it's not apparently like! I am so sorry

 

Me 04/03/2014 00:39 Me that's fair and well. i just have a hard time deciphering how all that alcohol in u keeps the feeling of being scared, yet allows u to do something like that.

 

Her 04/03/2014 00:42 Her Because I'm always scared.. Anyone I've ever let in has **** me over to the extent I won't let it happen easily! I did something stupid like that because that's all I think I'm worth is some cheap slapper and the alcohol made me think that someone like you would only think that too however i couldn't be that girl to you

 

Her 04/03/2014 00:47 Her You have no idea what I've been through! I'm not looking for your sympathy Im asking for you to realise I'm not a bad person just really stupid! Confused and an idiot!

 

Me 04/03/2014 00:53 Me i knew you'd feel stupid, and regretful - regardless of if u liked me or not. i actually expected it to be expressed the next day but instead u call me out for a bit of harmless banter and say i'm being too mean when aside from all the jokes, that was the only words u said.

 

Her 04/03/2014 00:58 Her Don't you think I wanted to say something! Don't you think I was so gutted i went upstairs as soon as you'd gone don't you think I wanted to say all this yesterday but couldn't find the words and don't you think I haven't been walking round like a **** zombie wondering what the **** is wrong with me! Because truth be told I've never actually cared this much to ever have had to do this!

 

Me 04/03/2014 01:03 Me You have work in the morning, Go to bed or you'll be knackered.

 

Her 04/03/2014 01:07 Her Like I'd sleep anyway.. But fine.. I tried.. I'm sorry.. I really am please understand that"

 

First thing in the morning then, she messaged "I miss you". I later learnt that day she got sent home from work for being zombified. I'd developed feelings for this girl, this was hurting me! And then seeing her in the local pub all timid and shaky, various posts on facebook -songs/quotes etc. I felt awful because of it and obviously on some level i knew i had my own part to play. I ignored her when i saw her, then one night in the pub, she went off to a different one to join the guys in a pool match and she put up something on facebook that was heartbreaking, so i agreed to meet her. She cried so much, i stayed strong... and i kissed her. Looking back i shouldn't have, i should've figured things out more.. but her pain was absolutely killing me, i even cry now looking back. After that we didn't do anything intimate for a few weeks and we talked a shed load, she showed me how she had a little thing about me in her journal for all the days we spent together, she took me on a big date/picnic with some really nice view involving all the foods i'd talked about me liking, aswell as gluten-free because she now knew i was having stomach problems. She'd sit with me in her car till 4am despite needing to get up for work at 8am to her highly paid job. I didn't plan any of it, we were hooked on eachother, i couldn't stay away, i didn't care about what happened - i was falling hard and fast and so was she. To all that say i should've dropped her like a hat straight off, please understand how i couldn't. We were so drawn to eachother and with her opening up like she did, it allowed me to shoot my barriers down aswell in terms of my best mate dying, my illness and other things. The future seemed inevitable. Everyone saw how we looked at eachother. I never set out to hurt anyone.

Edited September 22, 2015 by unoaime

[smackie9]

That doesn't excuse the fact that you chose not to be honest with her when you had the chance to do so. You decided to reject her and give her no explanation as to why you were doing that to her--and besides, you weren't even dating her at the time.

 

Taking responsibility for your actions at some point here might be a good sign.

 

 

 

It's not her fault that you didn't have the courage to be honest with her when the time came. You would have avoided all of the above had you been brave.

I agree with this.....you are not taking any accountability, you always place blame on others. But when or if you do take accountability, you will get past this a hell of a lot quicker.

 

Let this be a lesson to you, you can't sit around blaming others for your misfortune.... if you keep doing it, you will be a miserable sot all your life.

 

For me if I really liked someone, I wouldn't let anything get in the way of letting them know I wanted to be with then. Even the shyest of people, when in love will step up and take a chance. Would I tell them about my health issues? I may not have completely disclosed it, but I would give them some explanation.

 

It's too bad you both have issues....the both of you were not really ready for a relationship.

 

Best of luck in your future and may you find happiness once again.

[d0nnivain]

Those messages were from 2014. . . over a year ago! If you can't let go of the past you have no hope of fixing any part of your present or future.

[unoaime]

It's not about i being over a year ago, i had a year long relationship with this girl since that. It's not so much about it anymore, it's the fact that i lost such a great relationship because of it.

 

It haunts me because i still see her all the time, and the love i had for her was so real.

[d0nnivain]

It's not about i being over a year ago, i had a year long relationship with this girl since that. It's not so much about it anymore, it's the fact that i lost such a great relationship because of it.

 

It haunts me because i still see her all the time, and the love i had for her was so real.

 

I get that but the toxic part of your relationship is that you were admittedly abusive to her because you never truly forgave her for that night. She tried to make it up to you. You took what she gave but couldn't forget & forgive. You let it eat at you & eat at you until it eroded a good thing in your life.

 

Now you seem to be missing what you had & you are forced to live in a small town where you see her all the time.

 

So you either have to get past it, apologize like crazy & BEG her to forgive you (which she probably won't) or figure out a way to live the life you created without her. Have you considered moving?

[unoaime]

I've lived here all my life. All of my family (close to 200 people, i have a big family here), all my friends etc.

 

I feel like she already does forgive me in a way. She's so polite with me when i see her, and she even apologized to me about not emphasizing about my illness much when i got so bitter about it.. basically that she's never experienced it so she doesn't know how hard it was. I messaged her the next day because i didn't say at the time (was a little drunk), but told her it meant a lot. And i really appreciate it.

 

I already apologized an awful lot months ago, i broke down. It messed me up in a big way and i was greiving for my grandad aswell. Everything just happened at once. I told her i became toxic and stuff and she didn't deserve it. I never took responsibility for what happened in the beginning though. I'd like too but at the same time with how i acted after the break up she probably already thinks i'm still pining over her.

 

I keep hearing all these things she's saying about me, negative things but i don't rise to it by talking bad things back and a few people have said to me it's only because she must still be hurting over it. And my mums always trying putting bull**** things into head because whenever she sees her somethings said about me.

 

I dunno. I just want her happy with or without me, in a funny little way this whole ordeal allowed me to understand her in a bigger way than i think most people wouldn't be able to go as deep.

[Noideanow]

GemmaUK, awesome. This forum is great - it's great to hear someones actually planning a reply like that. I've been struggling for so long.

 

kendahke, i know all that - that's why i feel so **** and bitter. But honestly, can you tell me if you were crushing on a girl, and you know she's crushing on you that you'd open up about a long-term oral problem you'd been putting up with and trying to get to the bottom of for a long time? You want this girl to think the world of you. I actually spent the 3 weeks trying my best, drinking loads of water, avoid all sugar, detoxes etc to try and heal the problem so i could kiss her and failed at the last hurdle.

 

Transcript in next post.

 

What you (and we) have now learned is that if you want somebody to think the World of you you Will shot yourself in the foot;) Allways be blunt and honest (even with an oral problem) that courage Will impress her more than anything else and make her feel extremely attracted:cool:

By the Way i think as long as you are not together you will feel as bad as you describe and relive it all, exactly because you are not together:( i think, but only you know your situation- you have both learned and grown a lot from this experience:)

[kendahke]

kendahke, i know all that - that's why i feel so **** and bitter. But honestly, can you tell me if you were crushing on a girl, and you know she's crushing on you that you'd open up about a long-term oral problem you'd been putting up with and trying to get to the bottom of for a long time?

 

Yes. I certainly wouldn't have turned my head and made her feel as if the thought of kissing her disgusted me. I'd have let her know that, at the very least, I wasn't feeling well and didn't want to pass my germs along to her. AND I WOULD HAVE KEPT TALKING TO HER, NOT IGNORE HER.

 

You want this girl to think the world of you.

 

But you didn't accomplish that aim. She ended up not thinking the world of you because of what you did. She didn't decide to hang with your friend UNTIL you soundly rejected her. Her reaction didn't happen in a vacuum.

 

I actually spent the 3 weeks trying my best, drinking loads of water, avoid all sugar, detoxes etc to try and heal the problem so i could kiss her and failed at the last hurdle.

.

 

Maybe going to the doctor and getting something to kill the candida would have been a better option than spending 3 weeks trying to self diagnose?

[unoaime]

It was a long-term problem. Was dealing with it for 18 months. I'd get ignored by doctors and none of them would ever label it as thrush, i was dumb and had no idea what was going on. They'd put me on anti-depressants, tell me it was all in my head, loads of acid reflux medications, antibiotics etc. All these things was kill all of my good bacteria making me worse and worse. The doctors left me for dust, it's took my own diagnosis through lots of research to get to the point i am now. Not 100% yet, (me and her following the GERD-Acid reflux way for the duration of the relationship, trying alkaline diets etc) but i think i'm working it out slowly, my esophagus and stomach used to be awful, but now i'm just trying to fizzle it out, this white tongue etc.

 

But yeah, i know it was just as much my fault as hers, why would she have had any belief to think i liked her? But please understand that after putting up with it for so long, basically avoiding woman and sex because of it and then falling for her - at the time i felt super insecure about it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

[Noideanow]

having now read and understood all you wrote, i dont think i can help you but you will find your way in this- may I ask you, did you have difficulty trusting her not flirting with anybody when she was away at work (you say she was very career-focused)?

I wonder if for you the only problem was the drunken incident in the beginning or if other emotional things/frustrations between you were making the incident resurface as it did when you were six months in?

[unoaime]

I guess it was doing more charity work, well yeah. After the original event we didn't do another event until the summer. Organising all the stuff just made me think about the beginning again and all the talks the committee would set up would always mention the first event because it did so well (me and her raised £3000 in 3 weeks on our own, hence our teamwork and connection).

 

Her work never bothered me, she'd always say about how one girl she worked with would talk about her getting married. And i met the one guy she worked alongside and he was a good bloke. That stuff never bothered me, she is very much flirty though... well bubbly i'd call it. From all the stuff she's had to put up with she's just overly nice because she wants people to like her.

[warshaw]

All this unnecessary pain and anguish when the two of you could be in a really good thing.

 

All gone because you couldn't handle her screwing your friend once in a drunken stupor after you seemingly rejected her.

 

If you could only change your perspective..

 

"Yeah my buddy got drunken sex once" but I got her as my girlfriend and got a whole lot more".. Add huge list of things you get from her that he never would and you'd see that an hour or so of bad drunken sex is nothing to get hung up about.

 

What a shame.

[unoaime]

I know, i know. It's why i'm struggling so much. I'd give her so much love and then think about it and distance myself/treat her a little bad. She was looking so much to the future doing all these things and i was holding back because of it. Every time she'd do something or a little mannerism that'd make me tingle, it's almost like how much i loved her hurt me, like i shouldn't or something.

 

I really can't believe how much i changed as it developed and the horrible things i said and did. I'd give anything to have her back and us in the same optimistic place before i broke down. I had a lot to put up with. Trying to maintain a friendship with the guy, falling so hard in love, health problems, not properly grieving over my best friend, and then my Granddad developing cancer and dying in the space of 3 weeks. Then of course all the natural little relationship problems that were nothing really.

 

I gone done ****** up. 26 years and i'd never felt such a bond, even with family members. I want her and doubt i'll ever be truly happy without her, but i'm sure i'll find someone else to love at some point, but she'll be the one i really wanted. You always hear of people married on these kind've websites that love their spouse but admit that they weren't "the one". That'll be me.

[GemmaUK]

I've changed much of what I was going to post having read back the replies since I asked about what you had learned in therapy.

 

My angle was actually going to be about perception, same as your therapist - which I have left some of here but not as much as I had written in that draft mail.

(I tried to use bold to emphasise words here but bold doesn't turn off easily nor does underlining so I'll use capitals - I hate using caps as it looks like shouting but it's just easier and it's just for emphasis.)

My first thoughts were for you to change your perception of what happened that night.

You DID reject her, no matter what the reason was. She had absolutely no idea of the reason and is not a mind reader.

It was a very drunken night from the sound of it for all of you. She liked you, you rejected and Alex (was it?) from out of town was there and he is from what you have posted a bit of a lad and it sounds like he made the moves on her - she just went with it.

You previously KNEW he is like that. You previously KNEW you would not kiss nor get close to her because you had thrush. She knew NEITHER of those things.

Your best first move would have been not to go back at all. It sounds like you went back to your place so YOU were in charge of that and who came along aside from Alex who was staying with you.

You almost set this up to happen.

Three different choices could have been made once you were back at your place.

You could have chosen to be close to her and just say you had some kind of infection, even a throat infection or a cold coming. I've said that to guys before, it's no big deal. Instead your choice was offish body language. Rejection for her.

Alex could have chosen not to pounce - unlikely - but you DO know he is like that so before even going back that would have been a thought that would have crossed my mind.

She just got rejected and figured sod it, guy from outta town is here, I may as well have some fun as he was already being clear with his moves.

 

So for me, my perception is that there were things you ALREADY knew which meant that something could happen between the two of them. The other one thing you KNEW for sure was that you liked her, you also appeared pretty sure at this point she liked you. Her reason for going back was to have some fun with you. If you knew (which you did) that nothing would happen that night then you shouldn't have invited her back.

You were actually the main one who was running the show when you went back and there was a lot that she ABSOLUTELY didn't know.

Take responsibility for that. Perceive it differently and it's pretty obvious.

 

Moving on, if something had happened between the two of you that night then it's pretty likely that would have been it, just a one night thing.

Why? Because you would have been offish with her afterward anyway because you wouldn't have told her what was wrong with you. Even in all those texts you didn't once mention it so I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have said anything to her.

 

The result of that night was that you did end up talking and because of that you did end up dating.

You could actually be thankful for what happened that night in that it got you two together into what was a great relationship from the sound of it.

You say you have learned about changing perception but you aren't applying it to this in any way.

 

Going back, some things here really bother me though.

You blame your Dad for when you were living in a damp conversion. If a place is damp you can see that it's damp and that is when it gets to the point of making a person ill. You could have done something about that instead of blaming your Dad for it. You say you have all your friends and family where in the town where you live so you had lots of options to sleep on a sofa, get help with sorting the conversion out and damp proofing it.

If that was indeed what made you ill then you were living in those conditions a long long time, not just a few weeks. A LONG time.

As well as that you have gluten intolerance. If you are not STRICT with your diet you will already know that your immune system is at risk due to not being able to digest nutrients properly. One of the absolute worst things for me is beer/lager. I cannot tolerate it at all. They say wheat, oats, barley and rye are the foods with the main issues but malt is also something to be very careful of and is mentioned alongside those four. Many of us have to add that to the list of 'no go' foods.

Malt is in all kinds of alcoholic drinks and many foods.

 

In your transcript you blame her again and again in each and every single reply.

She had to keep repeating herself over and over.

Talk about putting someone down and jumping all over them - you did exactly that.

 

She was used to this behaviour from having been in an abusive relationship in the past but she actually did feel that she made a mistake going with Alex that night. Not because of you (though you turned it around that way), because it was a silly drunken mistake in itself.

 

Every step you don't take any responsibility. None.

This is THE number one most common sign of an abuser.

They take no responsibility for any bad that happens to them and always blame others or there is always another reason. You appear to do this over and over.

Putting someone down is another huge indicator (it is actually emotional abuse). In this thread alone you out her down (many times in that transcript for one thing), you basically put your Dad down, Alex down and your doctors down too even.

Manipulation and also guilt tripping (again, this is emotional abuse)are another two which are really high up on traits of an abuser. You use both really clearly in those transcripts.

Verbal abuse. You say you did verbally abuse her.

The one form of abuse you don't appear to have used is physical abuse.

If you have ever punched walls or thrown things then you are only one step away from physically abusing someone.

 

I feel unsure that you have told your therapist much of this and if in all this time all you have learned (yet still don't put into practice) is perception then it's a real concern.

 

I would strongly advise that you show what you have written here to your therapist as a first step.

You will only grow through therapy if you can admit things and take responsibility for things but going by how you have posted here I don't think you are even doing that with your therapist.

 

I apologise for this sounding harsh, it is what I see.

 

She wants to be friends and in your life but without you working on you and right now you can't ever truly be her friend.

If you can grasp this with both hands you have a chance to change and maybe one day if you can really see and admit your part and she knows that you have then you might get the happy ever after you want.

Please don't be the guy who ignores it all and just tries again with her. She really doesn't deserve it.

[unoaime]

GemmaUK, great post and i hope you realize how appreciated it is.

 

All of the things you said, subconsciously i've had it hidden away. It was so much easier to blame her and deal with all these emotions by putting them her way, i didn't understand, i've been through a tough time and i'm inexperienced - hence my stupid blame game (which i'm not saying to excuse myself, just in acceptance of my own flaws). I feel awful for it and you wouldn't believe how much i've cried for her, even though in my few months of breaking down after she'd tell me she's "over it" or the months of hot and cold me suggesting perhaps we should hold off on friendship for a while and telling me "if thats what you gotta do i understand" as if she's got no issues whatsoever.

 

She very much raise barriers so i don't know how true it is, but anyway. I agree with everything you've said, i became selfish and deluded. I kept like testing her love and worth through my own insecurities when really i should've been figuring things out to beat my own and reassuring my own worth. She deserves a king and i couldn't be that for her. Part of me knows she actually did nothing wrong, but hopefully you can emphasize with my hurt over it. Ash (not Alex lol ) is nothing in my life now yet she will always be around. She's the only one that means anything to me. She, except for the best friend that died is the only person i've ever got close too and she used to talk about how it feels it's meant to be and because we both knew him, the charity for him kind've bought us together. I don't believe that kind've stuff and whilst at first i fell for it, eventually i took the beginning as a broken fairytale, but life isn't a fairytale, it's what you make of it and just because it was a messed up start, it didn't mean it had to lead the future. It wasn't about how we got together, it should've been about how we stayed together - but i failed.

 

I wish there was some way i could take full responsibility for what happened but at the same time i don't want to rehash old wounds for her. I mean lets be honest, it was 90% my fault, what she did was a little trashy, sure but who knows, shoe on the other foot i may have done the exact same thing after feeling rejected. I want her in my life romantically so bad, show her the me i was in the first 6 months but similarly, for all the times she thought i was too good for her, now.. i almost feel as if she is the one too good for me.