Girl i've been hanging out with had sex with my friend after thinking i rejected her

[unoaime]

I couldn't make a proper move due to an oral hygeine problem i'd been having for a while. We spent pretty much all day every day together for 3 weeks organising a charity event, both of us developing feelings for eachother. She however deemed me far too out of her league. End of the event, me, her and a mate went up into a room quite drunk, i kissed her for no more than a second and then turned away for reasons mentioned - she saw this as massive rejection and then my mate (of whom i stupidly didn't tell i was developing feelings for her) made a move, in her drunken rejection she took his advances. I pretty much froze and pretending to have passed out feeling ill as **** due to this thrush i've got through my chest and mouth. They engaged in slight foreplay until i had to witness them move on into another room.

 

Next morning, i was abrupt with her. All the connection, communication and chemistry we'd built up was gone and she was visibly distraught. Through my abruptness she realised i did actually like her - leading to her breaking down. She messaged me on facebook spilling her heart to me saying all kinds of stuff about how low she thinks of her self and how she never thought she could get a guy like me. She doesn't go to work, everytime i see her she's shaking and timid. It kills me to see her like this, but really.. i can't date her.. not after this, surely? Won't it haunt me for the rest of my life if i end up marrying her or something?

[popcornpuff]

Emotionally healthy people don't go and have sex with friends of people they're interested in--for any reason. I think you're correct that you'd be better off without her.

[HereNorThere]

It sounds like you've dodged a bullet. Hooking up with your chush's roommate is a pretty skanky thing to do in the first place. And yes, you're correct that more than likely you'll obsess about the fact that you're crossing swords with your roommate if you do ever decide to hook up with her. Most guys aren't able to get past something like that unless they are really desperate.

 

Sorry, but you'll have to toss this one back for a number of reasons. Oh well, plenty of other fish in the sea.

[unoaime]

Yeah, i know you guys are right. The friend is actually a guy from another city i invited down for the weekend. She's breaking and it hurts me.

 

She told me all about how her ex beat her up for 3 years and how low her self-esteem is - so yeah, she's definitely not stable. But she's such a great caring woman, driven, successful etc. Argh.

[PogoStick]

I don't agree. Why is she the bad one? From her standpoint, he rejected her, so she went with plan B. Why should she wait around for the guy who rejected her?

 

He messed up by not letting her know he was interested. She can't read his mind. She also can't be expected to know why she was rejected.

[HereNorThere]

I don't agree. Why is she the bad one? From her standpoint, he rejected her, so she went with plan B. Why should she wait around for the guy who rejected her?

 

He messed up by not letting her know he was interested. She can't read his mind. She also can't be expected to know why she was rejected.

 

Because it's bad form to hook up with your friend's friends, especially if you've already tried hooking up with said friend. If she truly liked OP, she would work on being attractive and winning him over, not screwing his friends.

 

It just makes her seem low value. After all, she did just sleep with some random stranger. At this point, it looks like she'll just take whatever she can get. Besides, no one wants their buddy's sloppy seconds.

[smackie9]

OP you should have manned up and told her about your oral issue, then just cuddled with her showing your attraction to her. Simple communication, that is all it would have taken.

[smackie9]

Yeah, i know you guys are right. The friend is actually a guy from another city i invited down for the weekend. She's breaking and it hurts me.

 

She told me all about how her ex beat her up for 3 years and how low her self-esteem is - so yeah, she's definitely not stable. But she's such a great caring woman, driven, successful etc. Argh.

 

Oh well she made a poor choice, maybe she isn't really ready for commitment and doesn't know it. You don't have to shun her, you can still be friends.

[unoaime]

Okay, truth is guys... this happened 18 months ago. I did actually date her. Her opening up all her insecurities to me, seeing her so upset, i was crying inside for her. In some ways, it made me fall for her, i knew all her vulnerabilities and she told me about her ex of 3 years beating her up to a pulp every other day, called her fat and a worthless slut, and another more recent ex just abandoning her. Every time i'd see her i'd see how much she was hurting, and it hurt me - and obviously part of me knew i was just as much to blame. The poor girl took time off work to help me organise this charity event, we'd spend all day every day together for 3 weeks for me to not make a move and knowing she liked me i didn't want to turn her off with my disgusting health issues.

 

We eventually got together, for 6 months it was heaven, i'd never felt so close to anyone and the connection was ridiculous, like we were one in the same. She spent the first couple of months doing everything to make up for her drunken mistake, so many things you wouldn't believe. We were awesome. It started haunting me though, we started more charity work and it was on my mind 24/7. I tried to fight it and turned from nice guy to at times verbally abusive. She'd write me letters, do little things to prove herself. I'd promise her i'd let it go but i hadn't. We stayed together for another 6months but i sabotaged it waking up thinking of it all the time. The breakup led to me losing a social group of 30+ i've grew up with, the charity comittee i started for my best friend that died and a whole lot more.

 

Even now, 8 months since the breakup she treats me like gold. I try to avoid her but living in such a small town with so many mutual connections, it's impossible. We ended up on the same bus for a big night out and we had our first proper chat since Feburary. We caught up, she asked about the dog we bought together, how my family was, how my healths getting on and knowing i recently lost my phone, she's offered to give me her old iphone.

 

Seriously, this is the hardest thing i've ever had to go through, it's still hard and i don't think i'll ever get over it.

[d0nnivain]

I don't agree. Why is she the bad one? From her standpoint, he rejected her, so she went with plan B. Why should she wait around for the guy who rejected her?

 

For me, it's not that she went with plan B but that plan B was his buddy. Couldn't she have picked a guy he didn't know?

 

OP since you did date her why is it a problem NOW?

[RightThere]

She told me all about how her ex beat her up for 3 years and how low her self-esteem is - so yeah, she's definitely not stable. But she's such a great caring woman, driven, successful etc. Argh.

 

Trust me. She's not for you. You probably just want to "rescue her" and that never ends well.

[pteromom]

Actually reading your latest post here, it sounds like you lost a good woman.

 

I can't blame her for hooking up with your buddy if you didn't make a move in 3 weeks and when you finally kissed, you ended up turning away immediately. What else was she going to think? ANYONE would believe you just weren't interested.

 

I would agree with those who say it was wrong for her to go with your friend IF you had any kind of prior romantic relationship. But since you were just friends (in her mind, since you had shown your disinterest), then there is no such rule.

 

It's sad that you let this tear apart a good relationship and turn you into someone you didn't want to be. You need to do a lot of reflection on it so you don't take verbal abuse or over-analyzing into the next relationship.

[unoaime]

For me, it's not that she went with plan B but that plan B was his buddy. Couldn't she have picked a guy he didn't know?

 

OP since you did date her why is it a problem NOW?

 

There was only 3 of us in the hotel room at the end of the night (my local pub doubles as a hotel). Everyone was steaming drunk.

 

And because i fell in love with her, deep love and the haunting of it sabotaged and otherwise brilliant relationship.

[unoaime]

pteromom, i really have. She was gold to me, my family all fell in love with her and i treated her like **** because of the beginning. I've learnt an awful lot but i don't know how i can ever be expected to let her go fully. Always the "if i wasn't ill" thing in my mind and the constant running through the hundreds of opportunities i had to kiss her before it happened otherwise.

 

She's kind, loyal, loving, a career woman (on like £70,000/year). She spent hundreds on me trying to sort my health out. She helped my mum out of depression after my grandad died, sorted out my nans carers, did my brothers taxes, sat with my sister in A&E... she was an AMAZING woman and one stupid night that should never have happened lost me everything.

[d0nnivain]

Okay, truth is guys... this happened 18 months ago. I did actually date her. Her opening up all her insecurities to me, seeing her so upset, i was crying inside for her. In some ways, it made me fall for her, i knew all her vulnerabilities and she told me about her ex of 3 years beating her up to a pulp every other day, called her fat and a worthless slut, and another more recent ex just abandoning her. Every time i'd see her i'd see how much she was hurting, and it hurt me - and obviously part of me knew i was just as much to blame. The poor girl took time off work to help me organise this charity event, we'd spend all day every day together for 3 weeks for me to not make a move and knowing she liked me i didn't want to turn her off with my disgusting health issues.

 

We eventually got together, for 6 months it was heaven, i'd never felt so close to anyone and the connection was ridiculous, like we were one in the same. She spent the first couple of months doing everything to make up for her drunken mistake, so many things you wouldn't believe. We were awesome. It started haunting me though, we started more charity work and it was on my mind 24/7. I tried to fight it and turned from nice guy to at times verbally abusive. She'd write me letters, do little things to prove herself. I'd promise her i'd let it go but i hadn't. We stayed together for another 6months but i sabotaged it waking up thinking of it all the time. The breakup led to me losing a social group of 30+ i've grew up with, the charity comittee i started for my best friend that died and a whole lot more.

 

Even now, 8 months since the breakup she treats me like gold. I try to avoid her but living in such a small town with so many mutual connections, it's impossible. We ended up on the same bus for a big night out and we had our first proper chat since Feburary. We caught up, she asked about the dog we bought together, how my family was, how my healths getting on and knowing i recently lost my phone, she's offered to give me her old iphone.

 

Seriously, this is the hardest thing i've ever had to go through, it's still hard and i don't think i'll ever get over it.

 

But why are you posting about her original mistake, sleeping with your buddy while drunk if that happened more than a year ago? If it's been 8 months since you broke up, and she as so perfect, why not focus on where you went wrong instead of asking us about a mistake she made before you were dating?

 

Are you just upset now because you recently saw her & had to talk to her?

[HereNorThere]

We all have our deal-breakers and this was obviously something you couldn't get past. In all honesty, most people I know wouldn't be able to get past it. It doesn't make you a bad person or anything like that.

 

You're beating yourself up for something you obviously can't control. I think it's pretty normal for most people to not want to date girls your buddies have already shagged. There's also some other major red flags there that are really hard to ignore.

 

Forgive her and yourself and move on. Maybe one day you can be friends again, but it simply doesn't seem like dating is in the cards for you. There's no sense in beating yourself up over this. Next time, enforce your boundaries and standards from the get-go. You knew this was outside of the realm of what you consider acceptable behavior and still went with it. Now you know that those things will catch up to you in the long run.

[unoaime]

Nah, i've been feeling like this pretty much since the breakup. What we shared, what we went through, the love we had for eachother. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to think of anything else because of how obviously different things would've been. She was putting money away to start a family and everything. :/

 

I've done all i've can to improve myself, i've been in therapy to deal with my frustration/anger. I quit drinking, quit smoking, i hit the gym 3 times a week and eat so healthy. Tried my best to make new friends (which is hard in such a small town).

 

But yeah, speaking to her the other night was brilliant. It's the first time we properly spoke since the break-up and everything was so easy, we'd look at eachother with that same connection but of course, all it did was set me back. I can't avoid her, her best mate is a twin of one of my good friends, she goes to the gym with my brothers girlfriend. She works in the pub where some close friends do open mic nights. It's ridiculous.

[Imported]

Move on.

 

 

10 characters

[nickf100]

Man that's a really tough situation, i agree with you , it would be really hard for me to date someone knowing that shes been with my friend ....

[unoaime]

It was the witnessing of it as i led there frozen and ill. I knew how much she liked me, i knew all the things she was skipping to spend time with me leading up to the event and i her one mate would always blurt out stuff like "this'll get you two closer" and joke about us two. Everyone would say "it's so obvious you two are gonna get together". Time would go on though and i still couldn't make a move due to illness, it's no wonder she thought i wasn't interested but i was just as crazy about her as she was me. She only took my friends advances because of how embarassed, drunk and rejected she felt.

 

Honestly, this girl is amazing. People tell me to move on but due to circumstances i don't think i ever can or will. I know everyone says that but nobody else really knows what the relationship was like. I broke up with her the night after my grandads funeral. She cried, we held eachothers hands in her car as we both were breaking down looking lovingly into eachothers eyes. I chased her for a week and we got back together, things were great, Christmas was amazing but then, the thoughts were there again, haunting me and i couldn't stop bringing it up till eventually it ended again.

 

And when we see eachother it's still so natural. It's almost like we were meant to be, we argued about NOTHING else.

[GemmaUK]

This all happened so long ago it's silly, not only that but you dated her for 6 months after it happened.

 

You need to accept you can't ever get over this,

More importantly, she doesn't deserve someone who will punish her for something in her past before you even dated and verbally abuse her over it. You will just be the next abusive guy. Abuse gets worse over time with someone, never better.

[unoaime]

I know that. It's my struggle to get over it despite already being in therapy.

 

It's hard to let go because of how unbelievably amazing of a girl she is, just insecure. The relationship was amazing before it started to haunt me.

 

It's as simple as me not being ill that month. As simple as that. One night ruining the rest of our potential life together. And now, it's long gone and i'm still crumbling over it despite how much i fight it with or without the help of therapy. I swear, the things we talked about - there were no other issues other than my stupid brain not being able to get images out of my head and so many things being the reminders, which they still are.

[GemmaUK]

Sorry to be blunt here but even the way you posted this up on here was initially manipulative.

You posted as though it had just happened and you posted as though you hadn't dated her for 6 months after this event happened.

 

It seems like part of you wants a response of 'yeah, she is a ho' which you will get from those posting who read just a title and an opening post.

This in turn validates your verbal abuse.

 

Until you become aware of that and that she actually did nothing wrong (because she didn't) your therapy isn't going to help.

This behaviour comes up time and time and time again for abusive men in therapy. What they want is validation so even in therapy they manipulate the story in order to get it.

Every single case study within the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft who is a professional in the field of abuse counselling for abusers begins the same way with the abuser wanting to manipulate validation from him and the therapy group.

 

If the exact same situation had happened to me and I had been dating a guy for 6 months I wouldn't care a bit about that one drunken incident. I would not let that wreck a good thing and I would also be realistic and take my choice to date him after that as my own. If I get angry about it later down the line that is also my own responsibility. By that time it's most definitely not something to blame him for or break up over. He can't change it, my attitude is all that can change how I feel about it.

[joseb]

I'm really trying to see where you are coming from OP, but Im struggling. What was so wrong about what she did?

You flirted with her for weeks then rejected her. She was with someone else. So what?

You want her to put her life on hold for you?

Then when she does apologise (for what im not sure, you hadn't even dated when it happened) you didn't accept it.

 

Yeah, no, I can't really see your point of view.

 

Move on and leave this girl to someone who will appreciate her. Good luck with the therapy.

[unoaime]

GemmaUK, i agree with everything you say. My problem is i can't stop living in those 3 weeks leading up to the event and that happening.

 

I've never been an abusive man, but my hurt over it and feel of betrayal (even though rationally i know it wasn't) led me becoming so bitter over what "should've been". I've cried so much for her aswell as myself and i hate myself for not being able to let it go. How i let one night destroy two peoples lives who were besotted with eachother. We were actually together for closer to a year. The first six months were perfect, i know people will say that doesn't exist, but trust me - it was amazing. As my love grew so did my bitterness and i took it all out on her. I actually cut contact with my "friend" at the 7 month mark, which i know whilst a little harsh, he knew the situation and as of now, he has no role in my life whatsoever.

 

I can't believe what i put her through knowing what she'd already been through. I'm usually such a grounded rational person but those emotions completely threw me about.

 

joseb, i accepted her apology. Far more times than i should have made her make up for her mistake and feel awful about it. Accepting the apology didn't let go of the thoughts though. I hate, she hates it. I allowed it to mess us both up. I'm at my wits end. As we saw eachother weekend just gone and she wanted to talk - everything between us still felt natural and caring and it continues to be heartbreaking. She still wants me in her life as a friend and whilst i know i need to cut contact it's impossible. Like i said, my mates run open mic down the pub she works in, i'm best friends with her best friends twin, she still speaks to my family. I understand i probably sound like a horrible man, but really, wholehearted, tears as i say this, i want her to be happy even if that's not with me. Move on, all the stuff i keep hearing and my happiness should be put first but ultimately i'd live the rest of my life in a box to know that she has a good one that i couldn't give her despite an unreal amount of love. That's not healthy or "right" i know. But it's how i feel and i can't change that and i'm not even sure i want too. She was it to me.