bettermistakes Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Met a great guy a few weeks ago. We were supposed to have our 5th date yesterday morning. About an hour and half before we were supposed to meet, he texts to say he has to cancel because he has to pick up his daughter early because her mom is going out of town for business. He apologized and asked for a raincheck (but no new date/time immediately offered when asked other than "sometime next week"). I immediately think he's blowing me off since it's such short notice and I'm thinking "he's *just* finding out about this now??" So, my reply was definitely not rude or accusatory, but it also wasn't super warm and supportive/understanding. A few hours later I felt badly because it certainly could have been legit and I don't want him to think I'm pissed because he had a parental obligation to take care of. I'm a single mom myself and the kids come first, right? So I sent a text to say that I was bummed I didn't get to spend time with him but that it was great that he was getting extra time with his daughter and I was sorry if the earlier texts came off cold. He texted back later in the day that he had hated to cancel but he had to be there for his daughter. I told him absolutely, being dad is always a priority, and that I would feel terrible for coming across for thinking any differently and that if I did, I was sorry. I haven't heard from him since which is not atypical, but of course I'm concerned that I may have blown it, either by saying too much or too little. I mean ultimately it all depends on how he takes it all, but in light of everything, did I handle myself correctly? I'm trying really hard to be my best in this crazy world of dating, where it seems there's no room for mistakes of any kind.
menyou Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 If it happened often then I would start to second guess. He let you know with a little notice and a seemingly decent reason. I'm not saying you did, but it seems a lot of people go off their hinges too quickly and it really backfires. This is why I don't make plans with people. If I want to do something I'll ask a few hours or so in advance. You can't make it? Ok cool.
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I'm sure it's fine. The cancel didn't come with an automatic reschedule because in that moment he was trying to figure out what to do with the daughter. Give him a day or two to breathe. Call him Wednesday if you haven't heard from him but then give up.
sunshine2 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I guess it depends on what your first reply was if you screwed up or not. You didn't say what you said to him only "So, my reply was definitely not rude or accusatory, but it also wasn't super warm and supportive/understanding." I was dating a man who told me that his daughters always come first. I was fine with that since I have kids and mine come first too. He had to cancel dates with me several times because of his "daughter" and I would accept it, but of course I was always disappointed. But then it was becoming a big issue because it was happening far too often and I felt it was an excuse. This only happened once and yes things do come up like this when you have kids. If you do continue dating him, be considerate of his kids needs but also aware if this starts to become a habit or excuse to not date.
Author bettermistakes Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 Thanks, all... So my initial reply when he texted me to cancel was, "Hey - sorry to hear that." "A raincheck is fine. Do you have a time in mind?" He says, "Sometime next week?" I say, "Okay. I'll leave it up to you." "Just let me know when."
nyah Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Thanks, all... So my initial reply when he texted me to cancel was, "Hey - sorry to hear that." "A raincheck is fine. Do you have a time in mind?" He says, "Sometime next week?" I say, "Okay. I'll leave it up to you." "Just let me know when." Don't stress. That wasn't cold at all. That was nice and polite. I doubt he would have taken it any other way.
Author bettermistakes Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 It's Wednesday. Not a peep from him since Sunday. It was only four dates, so I guess at this point it's best to assume I got faded/ghosted and move on? This is the first time I've had the experience of someone being so WILDLY enthusiastic about me and then just disappearing, but from looking around here it sounds like that's a common thing. It kind of felt like a red flag (could this actually be legit??) but I went with it. The guy seemed sincere and ernest, and not smarmy. Oh well! Another lesson learned!!
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Given the possibility that he thinks he screwed up with you by cancelling, if it were me, I'd reach out to him. If you don't get a positive response move on but at least you know you tried rather than let something good slip away without any effort on your part. 1
katiegrl Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Thanks, all... So my initial reply when he texted me to cancel was, "Hey - sorry to hear that." "A raincheck is fine. Do you have a time in mind?" He says, "Sometime next week?" I say, "Okay. I'll leave it up to you." "Just let me know when." What do you mean .... that was nice! If you made a mistake, it was when you apologized for that response. You went a little overboard there, which was not necessary since your initial response was both respectful and polite. After only 4-5 dates he may suspect you are a tad neurotic... lol, but give him a couple of days .... hopefully it will be fine.
Author bettermistakes Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 Yeah, I've been on the fence about reaching out, since it seems there is a slight possibility of crossed signals. And yes, that will give me an answer either way. I don't know the best approach - just a general, how's it going kind of message or something more specific to the (possible) issue at hand?
scooby-philly Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 I agree - If he's a decent guy and good dad he may feel bad himself. Reach out with something like "hey, I had a really great time so far, I understand your daughter is a priority - but let's get together again" - let's him know you're interested, you're not mad, and if he's interested it alleviates any bad feelings on his part.
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Yeah, I've been on the fence about reaching out, since it seems there is a slight possibility of crossed signals. And yes, that will give me an answer either way. I don't know the best approach - just a general, how's it going kind of message or something more specific to the (possible) issue at hand? Not a text. A phone call. Just something general. Do not mention the hiccup / misunderstanding except maybe to say you hope he enjoyed his time with his daughter.
losangelena Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Oh my god, this is exactly why I do not want to jump back into the dating pool; I can feel your anxiety from here! Girl, that first text was so not cold and short. I mean, what else should you have said? A man, especially, will not read that text and think there's anything wrong. That's how they communicate. I wish we could all be a little easier on ourselves. You shouldn't have to pick apart each and every communique like a brain surgeon to see where you may have gone "wrong." It's a cliche, but BE YOURSELF. Yes, we all want to make a good impression at the beginning, but don't put yourself on tenterhook because you think ONE errant text can sink the ship. If any grown up is willing to say sayonara over it, that's not someone you want in your life. From where I sit, you didn't screw up. You didn't do anything wrong. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you risk nothing in reaching out. He's either faded out (for reasons other than the text you sent) or he'll be happy to hear from you. Reaching out now is not going to make him run away. Breathe girl, it's gonna be OK.
Author bettermistakes Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 Thanks everyone! The advice/reassurance is most appreciated. Texting + dating "rules" are turning me into a crazy person. I will call him later today!
Karimikui Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 It's quite strange that he hasn't contacted you again. Who sent the last text?
katiegrl Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 (edited) It's quite strange that he hasn't contacted you again. Who sent the last text? It has only been one day, sheesh! OP, you have already sent him two subsequent texts, apologizing...for something you had not even done wrong. IMO, the balls is in HIS court. If it were me, I would chill and wait for him to contact you. You have already texted him enough. It has only been a few dates, and HE was the one to break the last one. Let HIM call you to reschedule. I know you're anxious, but seriously try to calm your racing thoughts and relax. A vigorous workout or run helps me when I feel that way. Go live your life, if/when he contacts you, fabulous! If not oh well, you move on. It has only been a few dates after all. But stay positive! He asked for a raincheck, you said yes ...it's all good! Edited September 23, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author bettermistakes Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 I sent the last one...on Sunday. I have two dates scheduled in the next week and I'm certainly feeling more and more detached from this particular situation. Maybe I'll sit on it a little longer before picking up the phone... 1
kendahke Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 he has to cancel because he has to pick up his daughter early because her mom is going out of town for business. He apologized and asked for a raincheck (but no new date/time immediately offered when asked other than "sometime next week"). I immediately think he's blowing me off since it's such short notice and I'm thinking "he's *just* finding out about this now??" Had he ever given you any reason before this to assume that he was a flake and would use his child to get out of spending time with you?
Author bettermistakes Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 No, not specifically. I had just noticed in the past few days the frequency of texting was less (still once a day and he was initiating), and I had wondered why in the back of my head why he asked me out for Sunday brunch rather than a weekend night since I knew he didn't have his daughter. So when he canceled, rightly or wrongly, my BS meter went off. All things could be easily explained, but... in that moment it felt fishy.
myothernic2 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 No, not specifically. I had just noticed in the past few days the frequency of texting was less (still once a day and he was initiating), and I had wondered why in the back of my head why he asked me out for Sunday brunch rather than a weekend night since I knew he didn't have his daughter. So when he canceled, rightly or wrongly, my BS meter went off. All things could be easily explained, but... in that moment it felt fishy. Was your date supposed to be the same night he was picking up his daughter or was he picking her up early the next day?
Author bettermistakes Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 The date was supposed to be the same day he was picking her up. The original time for him to pick her up was 5pm, and we were supposed to have brunch at 11am.
myothernic2 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 The date was supposed to be the same day he was picking her up. The original time for him to pick her up was 5pm, and we were supposed to have brunch at 11am. Okay, was wondering if his reason was even valid. I'm not sure if he didn't have a free hour to keep but date. But even so, don't beat yourself up, your gut feeling was probably right on. Especially since "something suddenly came up" right after you started feeling that way.
oldshirt Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 You didn't say or do anything that would cause him to run for the hills. And you expressly left the ball in his court. His radio silence is on him and his choice. Proceed with your other dates and if you hear from him sometime and he asks you out, you can decide what you want to do just like you would with any other offer. No foul on your part here.
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