Author SoThatHappened Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Honestly hunk, couldn't disagree more with the generalization. The stereotype, yes. The generalization, no. Meli, don't hate yourself for being in love and accepting the person your boyfriend was. Never do that. He'll regret leaving the girl who loved him for his flaws, believe me.
Meli22 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Honestly hunk, couldn't disagree more with the generalization. The stereotype, yes. The generalization, no. Meli, don't hate yourself for being in love and accepting the person your boyfriend was. Never do that. He'll regret leaving the girl who loved him for his flaws, believe me. I know. I just feel stupid for being a bit of a door mat and putting up with all that behaviour before my own interests. I look back and cringe because I'd never allow that to happen now. I often wonder if our relationship would have been different if I was a bit tougher.
hunk Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 That's cool. You will find out on your own terms and in your own time i'm not making any generalizations and that what i'm saying is literally reality. Good luck
Author SoThatHappened Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 I know. I just feel stupid for being a bit of a door mat and putting up with all that behaviour before my own interests. I look back and cringe because I'd never allow that to happen now. I often wonder if our relationship would have been different if I was a bit tougher. You should feel better for loving someone despite their flaws. His loss. He'll do the same with the next. Believe that. When she gets tired of it and leaves, he'll be wishing he had the girl back who put up with his $h*t. The best part is now you know not to put up with that. You've grown. Not him.
Itspointless Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Rock on dude, so that happened (pun somewhat intended). It does not sound like your world crumbled, thumbs up for that. Continue your journey and good riddance to them. Life is open for you, for them well, they have each other 1
Author SoThatHappened Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 That's cool. You will find out on your own terms and in your own time i'm not making any generalizations and that what i'm saying is literally reality. Good luck Appreciate the sentiments. I've learned a lot of things from this and my 35 years here. And, I agree with what you're saying, just not the fact that every single woman under 25 is that "flighty." I just learned a $h*t ton from this last one. She was not a normal 22-24 year old. Had a lot of the tendencies and stereotypes you mentioned, but not the run-of-the-mill young girl. She's got some demons. 1
Meli22 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 You should feel better for loving someone despite their flaws. His loss. He'll do the same with the next. Believe that. When she gets tired of it and leaves, he'll be wishing he had the girl back who put up with his $h*t. The best part is now you know not to put up with that. You've grown. Not him. Thanks it definitely feels good to know I loved someone flaws and all. And not having anything resting on my conscience, not one single thing.. Feels good 2
Downtown Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Yeah, she was freshly 22 when we got together, and is now freshly 24. Maybe she came a long way in those 2 years.STH, I agree with you and Oregon that it is risky to marry a 22 year old because people keep changing, in some important respects, until their late 20s. Yet, the behaviors you describe for your exGF -- i.e., rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, and lack of impulse control -- are not normal for a 22-year-old woman. Rather, as we discussed in your earlier thread, those behaviors are typical for four year olds -- and for emotionally unstable adults exhibiting strong BPD traits (i.e., adults exhibiting the emotional development of a four year old). But, granted, spotting these immature behaviors falls far short of a diagnosis. Only a professional can tell you whether her behavior is sufficiently strong and persistent to constitute having full-blown BPD traits.
Author SoThatHappened Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 STH, I agree with you and Oregon that it is risky to marry a 22 year old because people keep changing, in some important respects, until their late 20s. So glad you responded Downtown. Thank you. Yes, this girl fits every BPD trait to an absolute tee except for harming herself. (Unless you can attribute her chosen past to harming herself) Didn't mention it earlier, but found out from the same conversation with my cousin that she went on vacation to Florida with her fiancee's family (and his 7 y/o and 10 y/o kids) and walked out of the ocean with her top off, and sat next to everyone like it was nothing. According to the coworker (who's also her fiancee's uncle), the guy's mom flipped her lid. She wanted to drop her pants in front of me (and about half a dozen other people) the first night I met her to show me a tattoo, so I'm not shocked. True or false on the topless thing, it doesn't matter. It's been a couple weeks since I found out that she's been engaged since February. Been dreading the dreams, especially based on what I saw when I stalked her online. I've avoided those somehow. BPD or not, I was warned... by her cousins, aunt, uncle, sisters, and ex boyfriend. I was pulled out of the path of the bullet... I didn't dodge it. Dodging it would have required me to see the red flags and run... I didn't run at all. I let myself fall for her. She's an amazing actress. or... ...if how she said she felt for seven months was true, then she had a lobotomy when she cheated on me. She's done the same exact things with the new guy that she did with me and the 3 guys before me (that I know of). Same exact Facebook posts and pics, same over-the-top social media blasts. Regardless, I've actually been able to accept it more from knowing than I did before, ala BC1980. Yes, I was doing much better after over a year without knowing, but this just pushed it off the cliff. I actually think I needed that. No more wondering, just facts. Sure, age played a part in it. But, that wasn't why the relationship ended. I honestly came home from work late tonight on a Friday thinking I was going to type this out, print it, and burn it. But, LoveShack has been so great to me I had to post it. Forgive me for the rant. Just found out the ex that sent me here was engaged. Needed to let it out. Thanks Downtown, mightycpa, BC, Simon, Chi, and everyone else. You've all been a voice of reason (and comic relief, honestly) when needed. Yeah... I'm done being "dumped." Done. Time to only post here for support to others. No more about me. Been dealing with me and my crap for too long over the wrong person. No mas... 1
BC1980 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 For me, finding out my ex had been engaged for months set me free. I was angry at the injustice of it for awhile, but I ultimately was able to see the entire situation for what it was. I'm glad you're feeling the same.
Downtown Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Time to only post here for support to others.STH, thanks for giving us another update! I'm so glad to hear that you intend to stay around to help other members and lurkers. You have a lot of valuable experience to share with the many folks who are traveling the same path you ventured upon. BPDers account for 6% of the population and likely account for at least 12% of the close relationships. 2
Meli22 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 So glad you responded Downtown. Thank you. Yes, this girl fits every BPD trait to an absolute tee except for harming herself. (Unless you can attribute her chosen past to harming herself) Didn't mention it earlier, but found out from the same conversation with my cousin that she went on vacation to Florida with her fiancee's family (and his 7 y/o and 10 y/o kids) and walked out of the ocean with her top off, and sat next to everyone like it was nothing. According to the coworker (who's also her fiancee's uncle), the guy's mom flipped her lid. She wanted to drop her pants in front of me (and about half a dozen other people) the first night I met her to show me a tattoo, so I'm not shocked. True or false on the topless thing, it doesn't matter. It's been a couple weeks since I found out that she's been engaged since February. Been dreading the dreams, especially based on what I saw when I stalked her online. I've avoided those somehow. BPD or not, I was warned... by her cousins, aunt, uncle, sisters, and ex boyfriend. I was pulled out of the path of the bullet... I didn't dodge it. Dodging it would have required me to see the red flags and run... I didn't run at all. I let myself fall for her. She's an amazing actress. or... ...if how she said she felt for seven months was true, then she had a lobotomy when she cheated on me. She's done the same exact things with the new guy that she did with me and the 3 guys before me (that I know of). Same exact Facebook posts and pics, same over-the-top social media blasts. Regardless, I've actually been able to accept it more from knowing than I did before, ala BC1980. Yes, I was doing much better after over a year without knowing, but this just pushed it off the cliff. I actually think I needed that. No more wondering, just facts. Sure, age played a part in it. But, that wasn't why the relationship ended. I honestly came home from work late tonight on a Friday thinking I was going to type this out, print it, and burn it. But, LoveShack has been so great to me I had to post it. Forgive me for the rant. Just found out the ex that sent me here was engaged. Needed to let it out. Thanks Downtown, mightycpa, BC, Simon, Chi, and everyone else. You've all been a voice of reason (and comic relief, honestly) when needed. Yeah... I'm done being "dumped." Done. Time to only post here for support to others. No more about me. Been dealing with me and my crap for too long over the wrong person. No mas... Great mindset to have you did indeed dodge a bullet.
Itspointless Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Didn't mention it earlier, but found out from the same conversation with my cousin that she went on vacation to Florida with her fiancee's family (and his 7 y/o and 10 y/o kids) and walked out of the ocean with her top off, and sat next to everyone like it was nothing. According to the coworker (who's also her fiancee's uncle), the guy's mom flipped her lid. [...]Time to only post here for support to others. No more about me. Been dealing with me and my crap for too long over the wrong person. No mas... I my country it was something like ten years ago very normal for woman to sunbath topless. Anyway ... Post about you when you feel the need to, nothing wrong with that.
Author SoThatHappened Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 I my country it was something like ten years ago very normal for woman to sunbath topless. Anyway ... Post about you when you feel the need to, nothing wrong with that. It's normal in many countries. It's not normal in Florida while in front of possible in-laws, coworkers, and young boys. That's just not normal behavior, but none of her behavior was ever normal, really. Thanks for the advice about posting and your previous advice along the way.
Itspointless Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 It's normal in many countries. It's not normal in Florida while in front of possible in-laws, coworkers, and young boys. That's just not normal behavior, but none of her behavior was ever normal, really. Thanks for the advice about posting and your previous advice along the way. Iit has changed a bit here too, younger generations somehow do it not as often as the generations before, which is an interesting change. With regards to your ex it is a perfect example how she deals with certain social boundaries, a.k.a. not. So yes it is telling, especially with in-laws. Your welcome man, I am happy that some of the things I wrote were helpful to you!
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