Breakup, NC for over a year, I broke it... idiot

[SoThatHappened]

You can read my back story here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/480018-i-contacted-after-some-time-nc

 

Been on this forum a long time and heeded all advice for a year and a half.

 

Even though this girl is a real piece of work, I genuinely loved her and she ripped my heart out. She was cheating on me with the boss's son at work when I broke up with her.

 

Then, this past weekend, my cousin who talks to another employer at her job, told me she's engaged to the dude. This guy who my cousin talks to and works with the ex, absolutely cannot stand her. Which is why he and my cousin complain about her.

 

Who cares.

 

The point of this stupid rant is to remind people to absolutely never break NC unless you can't even remember your ex's name.

 

As soon as I found out, I stalked her on social media and read her wedding website. She claims they started dating while her and I were still together. Well, at least she's telling the truth about that.

 

Don't break NC. Ignorance is bliss. Your own imagination about what they're doing is better.

 

Don't break NC

Edited September 21, 2015 by SoThatHappened

[erklat]

Why did your cousin gobble you with such

information? Last dude I remember that tried to

pull such stunt on me, I asked him trice to stop. I

stopped him actually making fun of her in front of

me, so it seems she's unhappy.

 

Dedication is the key.

[dyna85]

Well she's no winner if she was cheating on you, so you dodged a bullet, and in time, your heart will heal fully and you will be grateful for this experience.

 

Don't beat yourself up for checking up on her after over a year. I believe everything that happens happens for a reason and clearly you were meant to see that it's truly a done deal now, so you can completely turn the focus to yourself.

 

The reality is... she's a cheater. Cheaters never win and winners never cheat. If I were the guy engaged to her, I would be worried, given her tendency to stray, and if I were her, I'd worry too, given that he cheated too. They're both cheaters, and good riddance to both. You deserve better! Rock on dude.

 

I agree that ignorance is bliss to a certain extent, but I can say when I looked up my first love up after years of no contact, and found out he got married, it fully closed the book for me. Then I met this current guy I'm slowly getting over now.

 

No worries. Better things are in store. As long as you're grateful for what you have and recognize your worth.

 

I do like that you encourage everyone to stick to NC though, because it truly does help with the healing.

 

All the best to you. 'So that happened...' to pave the way for something BETTER to happen.

[BC1980]

Something similar happened to me. Very similar. I don't think it's that bad that you looked at her website. Just don't do it again. For me, when this same thing happened, it brought up some residual anger. But honestly, I finally let go for good. Finding out he had been engaged for nearly a year gave me that final push I needed to put the entire saga behind me. And yes, I also found out that he had started dating her when he was still feeding me BS about getting back together. So technically we weren't together, but it was still shady and misleading on his part.

 

Try to spin it into something good. This is the final part of the story. The worst has happened. You will never have to wonder. So you can process what is left to process and be done.

[mightycpa]

STH, ah, family... even the extended kind. I'll bet you wish you stuffed your fingers in your ears and chanted Nee-nah! Nee-nah! Nee-nah!

 

I'll bet you knew what a bad move that was even as you did it... but sometimes, the pull is stronger than we are.

 

Well, cat's out of the bag, I guess. Now with your new, updated information, your imagination can run wild in the right direction. Maybe in the long run, this will help.

 

Nice of you to send out a warning to others.

[Meli22]

This is the worst. When people tell you things that you don't actually ask for. My ex is a tattooist and is currently tattooing a guy friend of mine (has been since we were together). My guy friend has always mentioned my ex and stuff I don't want to hear about him, and continuously posts pictures of them together on Facebook. So I've cut said friend off. No real friend would do stuff like that.

 

But back to you.. I wouldn't necessarily say you broke no contact. You did what most people would have done when curiosity takes over. At least you know she's a cheat and will probably do the same to her current partner too.

[SoThatHappened]

I don't think it's that bad that you looked at her website. Just don't do it again.

Oh I did it again... all day at work today. Broke down every picture, every post, every "like" on Fakebook. Got encouraged that she only had 3 likes when she announced her engagement and that the guy's mom didn't even like her posts on the engagement.

Small victory. Apparently, according to her coworker, no one in the office likes her. The guy's parents are not for the wedding or the courtship.

 

For me, when this same thing happened, it brought up some residual anger. But honestly, I finally let go for good. Finding out he had been engaged for nearly a year gave me that final push I needed to put the entire saga behind me. And yes, I also found out that he had started dating her when he was still feeding me BS about getting back together. So technically we weren't together, but it was still shady and misleading on his part.

What a piece of work. I've done some crappy things, but would never do that. Glad you were able to finally let go for good. Maybe this is what I finally needed. I was wondering for over a year (after her last text to me out of the blue) exactly what was going on with her. I figured FOR SURE that she quit or got fired and wasn't with him anymore. Being wrong there, and the fact that they've been together for over a year (her longest relationship) really got to me.

[SoThatHappened]

STH, ah, family... even the extended kind. I'll bet you wish you stuffed your fingers in your ears and chanted Nee-nah! Nee-nah! Nee-nah!

 

I'll bet you knew what a bad move that was even as you did it... but sometimes, the pull is stronger than we are.

 

Well, cat's out of the bag, I guess. Now with your new, updated information, your imagination can run wild in the right direction. Maybe in the long run, this will help.

 

Nice of you to send out a warning to others.

I knew I shouldn't have let him continue to say what he said. He hinted that I'm really better off after what he now knows. I should've just said, "I don't want to know" and just changed the subject. Being a little intoxicated, I said I only want to hear it if it's bad for her.

 

He said she's white trash and only hoping to get "in" on money through the company through a divorce. How he (or the coworker) could know that is beyond me. Her Fakebook posts are over the top "in love,." just like she was with me.

 

I hear you on the "pull" to find out. When I woke up the next morning it was like I couldn't stop myself from looking her up. I knew it was going to hurt, but it was like something else took over my body.

 

I don't know if this is a good thing to help me move on, or if I should have just kept NC. I was finally doing well. Now haven't eaten in two days.

 

My advice to anyone in NC and still not completely healed, just stay in NC. Doesn't have to be NC forever, just NC until you couldn't give a sh!! less.

[BC1980]

When something like this happens, it can be a good indicator of how far you've come. A lot of times, you don't know how it will affect you until it happens. Your reaction sounds normal. I think you'd have to be superhuman not to be affected or check social media. I did the same thing. Don't make a habit of it though, and don't read too much into it. I think you can move on from this quickly.

[SoThatHappened]

Interested to find out how others moved on after finding out similar news.

 

I'm waffling right now between "dodged a bullet" and "can't believe she moved in with him after 4 months and was engaged 4 months later."

 

I've posted her timeline before and it's pretty wacky. But, she's been with him for over a year now.

 

What really hurts is that she's still with him. I was her longest relationship before this guy. Is it because they work together and she's not abandoned? Is it because he just fits what she was looking for?

 

He's not a good looking guy. Not successful at all. Overweight.

 

On paper, I destroy this guy. Looks, success, lack of baggage, intelligence, independence, etc. I know all of this doesn't matter when it comes to the heart.

 

Just have to accept it.

[mightycpa]

He's not a good looking guy. Not successful at all. Overweight.

 

On paper, I destroy this guy. Looks, success, lack of baggage, intelligence, independence, etc. I know all of this doesn't matter when it comes to the heart.

 

Just have to accept it.

I know, right? I'm sure you'd feel a lot better if this guy was a multimillionaire, erudite and uber-educated Chippendale super-stud. I know I would, because then, at least I could say "Even I'd dump me for him!"

 

Oh well, as you say, there's no accounting for taste in love. Take it from me, I know all about accounting.

 

From what you've written before, I'm going to go with bullet dodged... like machine gun rampage dodged. Count your blessings.

[Oregon_Dude]

STH,

 

wow, man. Just spent a few minutes reading through the thread you linked in the OP. There are some similarities between your "story" and mine that are a bit eerie. I also recently dated a 22 year old chick, and I'm older (31). Mine didn't have a kid, but started going cold and distancing herself from me before saying she basically didn't want a r/s. This, after mutual commitment, I love you's and the whole deal from both of us for quite a while.

 

Mine was only a 3.5 month r/s, but I was all in. Loved the girl. But she started ignoring me flat-out, and I decided not to tolerate it, and ended things on my end (pretty much what she wanted me to do). I believe you have posted in my threads about this, so this may ring a bell.

 

Anyway, I suspect there was someone else. I've done myself the favor of blocking her on FB - did this immediately, actually - so as to spare myself that special brand of pain. Ignorance is bliss, even if you can guess at the truth. You definitely handled your b/u like a man, and you certainly have your head on straight. That is one thing us older guys have over our young, hot exes

 

My ex strikes me as a person with BPD. I've done all the research, and many of the pieces fit. I would not be surprised if yours has it, or many of the tendencies, as well. B/u's with pwBPDs are really tough, b/c they make absolutely zero sense. When you try to piece the puzzle together, it just won't.

 

I know that you've been hurting recently, having checked up on her FB and wedding site. The thing that you have to remember, especially if she has BPD - which is likely - is that her interpersonal r/s's are incredibly unstable. Yes, it's good for now, but they crash and burn, always at her own sabotage. You have nothing to be jealous of the other guy about. Good guys like you and I will find someone more stable, women who don't run away on a whim.

 

Hang in there and stay you. No more peeking at her dumb f*cking websites, though.

[BC1980]

Interested to find out how others moved on after finding out similar news.

 

I'm waffling right now between "dodged a bullet" and "can't believe she moved in with him after 4 months and was engaged 4 months later."

 

I've posted her timeline before and it's pretty wacky. But, she's been with him for over a year now.

 

What really hurts is that she's still with him. I was her longest relationship before this guy. Is it because they work together and she's not abandoned? Is it because he just fits what she was looking for?

 

He's not a good looking guy. Not successful at all. Overweight.

 

On paper, I destroy this guy. Looks, success, lack of baggage, intelligence, independence, etc. I know all of this doesn't matter when it comes to the heart.

 

Just have to accept it.

 

It's so hard not to judge yourself against the new guy. So hard. It's almost instinctive. But it has nothing to do with you. Honestly, it doesn't. I think that since we can only see out POV, we have to make other people's choices about us. She also has other exes that could be asking the same thing.

[SoThatHappened]

@mightycpa,

 

One of my favorite posters on here and I'm really glad you've responded.

 

I don't know if I'd feel worse if the guy was "better" than me or not. I'd rather he be an absolute pile. However, I do see your point in that, "At least she traded up."

 

I remember you mentioning an ex of yours leaving you for Santa Claus. Your imaginative comparisons always make me laugh. I'd rather be left for an 80 year old sugar daddy so at least I could make sense of it.

[SoThatHappened]

@Oregon_Dude,

 

Yes, our stories are very similar, which is why I posted on your threads.

 

Maybe these girls are too immature. Maybe they know what they want and don't waste time jumping from one to the other in order to land on that sweet spot for them. Maybe they really have BPD traits. Maybe they're just nuts.

 

Doesn't make sense to me how someone can profess their love in every media known to man, just to drop their SO like nothing when something new/different/better comes along. I'll never get that.

 

I do believe that her over-the-top professions of love the last couple weeks were one or all of the following:

 

a) She wanted to convince herself she should stay.

b) She wanted to convince me she WILL stay.

c) She was trying to leave me with lasting memories that she loved me until the end. (I honestly think the last time we slept together was a going-away-bang... a parting gift.

d) She truly is BPD or something. She hits every sign to a tee. But, she's been in a relationship for over a year now. Knowing her, I couldn't imagine a single person dealing with her traits for longer than I did.

e) Fill in the blank

[SoThatHappened]

It's so hard not to judge yourself against the new guy. So hard. It's almost instinctive. But it has nothing to do with you. Honestly, it doesn't. I think that since we can only see out POV, we have to make other people's choices about us. She also has other exes that could be asking the same thing.

Comparing myself against him is half of the struggle. The other half is the rejection/shock that she's not knocked up by now and broken up with a few more guys in this timespan.

 

Her ex before me warned me. As did her family and friends.

 

I'm fine with accepting the facts (I think I'm getting them straight now) and moving on. Sucks that I was "over" it with the lack of knowledge I had, and now I feel those same pains as when the breakup was fresh.

 

I've gone through every conversation and interaction we had. Still just puzzled.

 

But, it makes sense that she would jump at the chance to live in the same city she worked and see her boyfriend every day. She gets to see him at work and at home now. That would have never happened with me.

 

I always thought that her text 3 months out of the breakup and in NC meant that she was having second thoughts and wanted to get back. Instead, I think she was just trying to alleviate guilt. But, why was I so "heavy on her mind" while she was with this guy?

 

Why did she say she "didn't deserve me"?

 

Alleviating guilt for ripping my heart out? Probably. But, I alleviated that guilt for her right after the breakup via email. Why text me 3 months after I'd already told her that I was sorry it didn't work out and I hope the best for her?

[Oregon_Dude]

she's been in a relationship for over a year now. Knowing her, I couldn't imagine a single person dealing with her traits for longer than I did.

Dude, don't underestimate the length of time someone will stay in a tumultuous r/s with someone who is crazy-making. Just go to BPD Family and read all the stories there of people being in marriages for 15+ years with BPD partners.

 

We'll never know if our exes were BPD or not. But don't you feel like these things didn't work out largely because of how young and immature our exes are? We're too old for this sh*t. The 21/22 year old brain is still developing. Women at that age have no idea what they want. Should we really be surprised? Fact is, it was foolish of us to have gotten involved with them in the first place. A 21 year old who is mature "for her age" is still a 21 year old.

 

Something that is disconcerting to me is that you and this ex broke up over a year ago, and it sounds like you still go through the wringer about it from time to time - especially when you creep on her pages, etc. What I'm saying is that I REALLY hope I'm not still hurting about my ex a year from now. Thing is, with BPD r/s's, since they end so abruptly, that total lack of closure can often leave us wondering what the hell happened for some time after. They're hard to get over by the very nature of the r/s and its end.

 

Anyway. Don't assume that just b/c their r/s has been going on for over a year that it's at all stable, or healthy for him. He just has a higher threshold for bullsh*t than you do.

[Stealth46]

Thanks for posting this and updates, actually gives me a bit of hope and shows that I need to move on in my own story.

[SoThatHappened]

Dude, don't underestimate the length of time someone will stay in a tumultuous r/s with someone who is crazy-making. Just go to BPD Family and read all the stories there of people being in marriages for 15+ years with BPD partners.

Like Downtown. The dude should have a freakin' medal. If that's not love, nothing is.

 

We'll never know if our exes were BPD or not. But don't you feel like these things didn't work out largely because of how young and immature our exes are? We're too old for this sh*t. The 21/22 year old brain is still developing. Women at that age have no idea what they want. Should we really be surprised? Fact is, it was foolish of us to have gotten involved with them in the first place. A 21 year old who is mature "for her age" is still a 21 year old.

100% right. I've wanted to put the BPD tag on her so I can "justify" why she strayed on the best guy in the world, right? She has to be crazy.

 

I'm pretty sure what happened is she was spending more time with this guy, by default of working together, that she fell for him. I was an hour away everyday, only seeing her when we got home and when we went back to work. But, she still couldn't profess her love enough everyday. Even up until the last few hours.

 

Yeah, she was freshly 22 when we got together, and is now freshly 24. Maybe she came a long way in those 2 years. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt instead of just saying "Poor me. Look what she did!"

 

I DO know that the behavior isn't normal. She hasn't spent more than a month or two alone since she was in high school. Just guy to guy. Maybe she just found the one for her.

 

Something that is disconcerting to me is that you and this ex broke up over a year ago, and it sounds like you still go through the wringer about it from time to time - especially when you creep on her pages, etc. What I'm saying is that I REALLY hope I'm not still hurting about my ex a year from now. Thing is, with BPD r/s's, since they end so abruptly, that total lack of closure can often leave us wondering what the hell happened for some time after. They're hard to get over by the very nature of the r/s and its end.

Don't let my scenario concern you. This was the only person I've even fallen this hard for. Never had rejection like that, especially after a certain point. This one was fun, a challenge, and I accepted it. For some odd reason, it affected me big time. Really not like me.

 

To my credit, I was completely blindsided, as were you. Over-the-top affection from her for 7 months straight. No breaks. Then bam.

 

Anyway. Don't assume that just b/c their r/s has been going on for over a year that it's at all stable, or healthy for him. He just has a higher threshold for bullsh*t than you do.

Maybe. I didn't have a high threshold at all before I met this one. Then, everything changed. I was the one walking on eggshells.

 

She's done the SAME EXACT THINGS with every guy she's been with. I've even seen the social media posts from prior to our relationship. She did the exact same things with me that she's done now. However, she stayed engaged. She was engaged 2 months before meeting me. Then 8 months after we broke up.

 

As much as it hurt to know and see, the nail is in the coffin completely now. The nail was started before I broke NC, but it's glued, screwed, and tattooed in now.

 

Thanks OD

Edited September 26, 2015 by SoThatHappened

[BC1980]

Comparing myself against him is half of the struggle. The other half is the rejection/shock that she's not knocked up by now and broken up with a few more guys in this timespan.

 

Her ex before me warned me. As did her family and friends.

 

I'm fine with accepting the facts (I think I'm getting them straight now) and moving on. Sucks that I was "over" it with the lack of knowledge I had, and now I feel those same pains as when the breakup was fresh.

 

I've gone through every conversation and interaction we had. Still just puzzled.

 

But, it makes sense that she would jump at the chance to live in the same city she worked and see her boyfriend every day. She gets to see him at work and at home now. That would have never happened with me.

 

I always thought that her text 3 months out of the breakup and in NC meant that she was having second thoughts and wanted to get back. Instead, I think she was just trying to alleviate guilt. But, why was I so "heavy on her mind" while she was with this guy? I think that half the time, people are doing and saying stuff without thinking it through.

 

Why did she say she "didn't deserve me"?

 

Alleviating guilt for ripping my heart out? Probably. But, I alleviated that guilt for her right after the breakup via email. Why text me 3 months after I'd already told her that I was sorry it didn't work out and I hope the best for her?

 

My ex contacted me after he got engaged, but I didn't know he was engaged at the time. I never responded, and I'm sure glad I didn't. Maybe he was baiting me to get a response, so he could tell me about his new life??? You just never know. Honertly, I think a lot of it is for attention. To prove they can still get you to respond.

 

It's normal to compare. My ex married a suped up version of his first wife. I have a lot of mutual friends with her. Whatever. It is odd to find all of this out after being NC for so long and essentially being done with the person. It makes it relevant again. I was thinking, dang, can I ever get away from this guy? I don't go looking for trouble, but it just keeps seeming to find me. The only thing I can say is that all I went through has made me so resilient. I'm really thankful for that actually.

[SoThatHappened]

Will be posting on your story soon, Stealth46

[hunk]

You need to understand that fundamentally, at their core, every single woman you ever date will be exactly the same. You seriously need to grasp and really allow yourself to be consumed by this reality. You need to stop playing around with reasons, justifications, excuses and explanations for their behavior. Your ex was and is a young girl. She, like every female her age, is a serial monogamist. She will go from guy to guy chasing that rush of the new relationship, that is essentially what she wants and looks for. This is what she believes a relationship is all about. She can't be blamed for this, you just need to take it for what it is.

 

While you might feel like you are growing with her, appreciating her for who she is, forming stronger connections etc., in her eyes you are actually becoming boring, unattractive, dependent, predictable and familiar. She is simply becoming more and more bored and restless and this new relationship "energy" fades away and the rose colored glasses come off, and other guys who she views as being a challenge or exciting become more appealing. Young women are basically incapable of thinking in the future, they literally act on their tumultuous, constantly changing daily emotions and moods.

 

The way you saw your relationship is not the same way she saw it. This is especially true for women under the age of 25. Every female under the age of 25 needs to be treated as a fun, temporary companion who you can mess around with and enjoy. You should never invest emotions in anyone in this age bracket - this is if you're going to "invest emotions" at all, (which i don't even really recommend). Treat young females as a fun addition to your life but nothing else. It doesn't work, it's nonsense to think it will and you're in for a world of pain if you think your situation is the exception. Work on yourself and making yourself happy without anyone else. Continue NC.

[Meli22]

You need to understand that fundamentally, at their core, every single woman you ever date will be exactly the same. You seriously need to grasp and really allow yourself to be consumed by this reality. You need to stop playing around with reasons, justifications, excuses and explanations for their behavior. Your ex was and is a young girl. She, like every female her age, is a serial monogamist. She will go from guy to guy chasing that rush of the new relationship, that is essentially what she wants and looks for. This is what she believes a relationship is all about. She can't be blamed for this, you just need to take it for what it is.

 

While you might feel like you are growing with her, appreciating her for who she is, forming stronger connections etc., in her eyes you are actually becoming boring, unattractive, dependent, predictable and familiar. She is simply becoming more and more bored and restless and this new relationship "energy" fades away and the rose colored glasses come off, and other guys who she views as being a challenge or exciting become more appealing. Young women are basically incapable of thinking in the future, they literally act on their tumultuous, constantly changing daily emotions and moods.

 

The way you saw your relationship is not the same way she saw it. This is especially true for women under the age of 25. Every female under the age of 25 needs to be treated as a fun, temporary companion who you can mess around with and enjoy. You should never invest emotions in anyone in this age bracket - this is if you're going to "invest emotions" at all, (which i don't even really recommend). Treat young females as a fun addition to your life but nothing else. It doesn't work, it's nonsense to think it will and you're in for a world of pain if you think your situation is the exception. Work on yourself and making yourself happy without anyone else. Continue NC.

 

You actually sound pretty bitter against women and I can vouch against everything you've just said. It actually happened the other way round for me so I'm one of the women who is 25 (was under when it happened too) who doesn't and didn't get bored of a relationship. My ex who is actually 32 was the one who got bored of me. And the funny thing is, he was the one who never wanted to go out or do new things and was happy watching TV all day and night whenever we spent time together. I was the one always suggesting exciting things, going for a little "car ride," nights out, weekends away etc but he was never interested. And after all of that, had the nerve to say our spark had faded.

 

So whilst what you say may ring true for some females, it definitely can be the other way round and not every woman will get bored once that initial high wears off.

[hunk]

Meli your situation is one that is rare, whereby your ex essentially controlled your relationship and was in the driver's seat so you never lost attraction and therefore never felt compelled to dump him. Even though he behaved the way he did you were still fundamentally attracted to him and wanted to stay with him because he wasn't budging in his stubborn-ness and you felt like he didn't need you. In most cases it's the other way round, it is the young girl who is calling all the shots and completely steering the relationship, while the guy just complies like a lost puppy who is terrified to do any wrong in case his reliable, young hot vagina is offended and leaves him. This is almost exclusively how these relationships work out.

[Meli22]

Meli your situation is one that is rare, whereby your ex essentially controlled your relationship and was in the driver's seat so you never lost attraction and therefore never felt compelled to dump him. Even though he behaved the way he did you were still fundamentally attracted to him and wanted to stay with him because he wasn't budging in his stubborn-ness and you felt like he didn't need you. In most cases it's the other way round, it is the young girl who is calling all the shots and completely steering the relationship, while the guy just complies like a lost puppy who is terrified to do any wrong in case his reliable, young hot vagina is offended and leaves him. This is almost exclusively how these relationships work out.

 

Actually you have a point. God I hate myself for being so soft at that time!