Robert Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 (edited) Thread has been cleaned up and reopened. I would suggest that members respond to the current valid posts to support this new member as she has requested. Thank you, ~ V Edited September 23, 2015 by Robert New Directive ~ V
Versacehottie Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 You're right, I am giving him a situation where he doesn't have to fully commit. But I haven't wanted to be "that women" that decides we need to "have the talk" and things...I'm afraid it will scare a man away that has gone from not wanting a relationship yet when we met, to really liking me, to spending weekly time tigether and texting daily. I've been trying to ease into things if they go past non serious casual dating. Let it kind of naturally happen for a while. And it is. But we definitely can't continue with it undefined forever, as we can both see, that won't work. But the part you are missing is that guys fall for the girl who is not scared at all if he wants to walk because he won't do the reasonable thing. When you are not scared, you are essentially showing him you have value. You put yourself, your needs and your wants for a relationship first and if he can't give them to you, you keep it moving. A girl who is worth committing to does not lie to herself and "pretend" to be ok with a relationship that is half of what she wants, not the whole thing. He knows what he is doing and he knows how you feel because you are giving him the "whole" deal like you ARE in a relationship. The worthy girl says much like you said in your initial conversation (minus the I-haven't-dated-anyone-else-in-3-months) which is why you did good with that. And then she says something along the lines of: you know what happened the other day got me thinking. I do want to be exclusive and your girlfriend. I can't see investing any more of myself or not progressing since we are 5 months in. It's ok if you don't want to do this but I realize I want this type of relationship in my life so if you don't we should stop seeing each other. This worthy girl doesn't nag. She just tells the facts and her needs/wants, if he can't meet them, no emotional freak out, she moves on to someone who can give her what she wants. She refuses to invest further in someone who is telling her to her face at a reasonable juncture that he will NOT give her what she wants. It's a fair wish and good couples work with each other to compromise and make each other happy. On the biggest issue of all, are we or aren't we?, it's not even an issue of compromise. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't know this. No ultimatum. Just say we are not on same page now.
Qboro90 Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 But the part you are missing is that guys fall for the girl who is not scared at all if he wants to walk because he won't do the reasonable thing. When you are not scared, you are essentially showing him you have value. You put yourself, your needs and your wants for a relationship first and if he can't give them to you, you keep it moving. A girl who is worth committing to does not lie to herself and "pretend" to be ok with a relationship that is half of what she wants, not the whole thing. He knows what he is doing and he knows how you feel because you are giving him the "whole" deal like you ARE in a relationship. The worthy girl says much like you said in your initial conversation (minus the I-haven't-dated-anyone-else-in-3-months) which is why you did good with that. And then she says something along the lines of: you know what happened the other day got me thinking. I do want to be exclusive and your girlfriend. I can't see investing any more of myself or not progressing since we are 5 months in. It's ok if you don't want to do this but I realize I want this type of relationship in my life so if you don't we should stop seeing each other. This worthy girl doesn't nag. She just tells the facts and her needs/wants, if he can't meet them, no emotional freak out, she moves on to someone who can give her what she wants. She refuses to invest further in someone who is telling her to her face at a reasonable juncture that he will NOT give her what she wants. It's a fair wish and good couples work with each other to compromise and make each other happy. On the biggest issue of all, are we or aren't we?, it's not even an issue of compromise. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't know this. No ultimatum. Just say we are not on same page now. Superb comment. Excellent advise and example of how to approach starting the conversation with him about what you're looking for and want out of the relationship. Any time a guy gets jealous or his behavior changes and he gives you more attention following you standing up for yourself or showing him that he's about to lose you, or you're open/entertaining the idea of dating other guys….it just shows that he's the kind of person who needs to be challenged and called out in a sense. While you were going along with his "not ready/looking for a relationship" act for 5 months and still treating him like he was your bf and sleeping with him to boot….he had no incentive to ever do anything that would make you happy. Why should he? If I tell a girl that I'm not going to date her and don't want anything serious but she continuous to be there for me and hang out with me whenever I'm up for it, answers my calls and texts as if we were dating, sleeps with me, supports me emotionally…..what else do i need? The second he thought you were slipping away his entire demeanor changed. You made a mistake by being so open and forward with your feelings towards him. You had changed the balance of power when he heard from his friend you were active and talking to other guys on the dating app. His text clearly shows he's upset and nervous and grasping to know that he can still have you if he wanted to…. The key there was to keep him on that edge so he starts putting the work and effort in that you want. Once you told him "no no, i haven't dated or talked to anybody in 3 months…i only want you and am dying to be exclusive with you but you told me you don't want to so i didn't know what to do" (in a nutshell) he can breathe a sigh of relief and thnk "whew..ok so she's not going anywhere, i just need to charm her a bit and things will go back to normal" 1
katiegrl Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Some of you may have missed Cecilia's recent post, but apparently they talked and have agreed to be exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend, so any subsequent posts, while certainly helpful in general and great advice, are pretty much moot with respect to her relationship. Good luck Cecilia .....hope but works out!
Kyle_Larson Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Its a lot of psychoanalysis but the fact is, he wasnt sure about you. Maybe since he said y'all were together now was because he didnt want you to walk. Just because you didnt say you were going to doesnt mean he cant tell. I have to admit, ive played this game. Thats exactly what it is, a game. I didn't want anything serious but i wanted something serious at the same time. Make sense? Its not love, its a partner. I knew that. Men dont want to be alone just as much as women dont want to. I wanted someone around, that i could have a relationship with without saying we were together. That way in certain situations i could always pull that card that says "we arent together though". The fact that after 5 months you weren't together should show you it isnt love. Seems to me like y'all just finalized the contract to some sort of business deal. Doesnt take a psychic to see how this will go. There will be an end to this "contract agreement"
Versacehottie Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Its a lot of psychoanalysis but the fact is, he wasnt sure about you. Maybe since he said y'all were together now was because he didnt want you to walk. Just because you didnt say you were going to doesnt mean he cant tell. I have to admit, ive played this game. Thats exactly what it is, a game. I didn't want anything serious but i wanted something serious at the same time. Make sense? Its not love, its a partner. I knew that. Men dont want to be alone just as much as women dont want to. I wanted someone around, that i could have a relationship with without saying we were together. That way in certain situations i could always pull that card that says "we arent together though". The fact that after 5 months you weren't together should show you it isnt love. Seems to me like y'all just finalized the contract to some sort of business deal. Doesnt take a psychic to see how this will go. There will be an end to this "contract agreement" Good points I agree with a lot of what you've said, especially the bolded. Although I tend to be hopeful and think that this shake up was great so don't think now that he's agreed that they won't make it. The next week or two will tell.
katiegrl Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 (edited) Its a lot of psychoanalysis but the fact is, he wasnt sure about you. Maybe since he said y'all were together now was because he didnt want you to walk. Just because you didnt say you were going to doesnt mean he cant tell. I have to admit, ive played this game. Thats exactly what it is, a game. I didn't want anything serious but i wanted something serious at the same time. Make sense? Its not love, its a partner. I knew that. Men dont want to be alone just as much as women dont want to. I wanted someone around, that i could have a relationship with without saying we were together. That way in certain situations i could always pull that card that says "we arent together though". The fact that after 5 months you weren't together should show you it isnt love. Seems to me like y'all just finalized the contract to some sort of business deal. Doesnt take a psychic to see how this will go. There will be an end to this "contract agreement" Kyle, that's you, but just because that was *your* game, that does not automatically mean it's HIS *game*. Same for everyone's own personal experience. Everyone is different, different feelings, emotions, motivations, etc. It took one of my brothers a little over a year to formally agree to exclusivity with his now WIFE of four years! I only say that to point out that everyone's feelings and experiences are different... and just because one has experienced the same or similar, does not make what they experienced true for everyone else. Could he be playing the same *game* as you did? Possibly. Could he be just like all of Leigh's past douchebag boyfriends? Possibly. Could he be like my brother, who took a bit longer to formally commit to exclusivity despite loving his now WIFE the entire time? Sure, possibly! This is for Cecilia to decide, as SHE is the one who knows him, and having a relationship with him, not us. All we can do is provide our *opinions* based on past experiences or even just knowledge of basic human nature/behavior in general, but as far as knowing for certain what *another person* is actually feeling and experiencing, it is impossible, unless we're psychic. Cecilia has posted they have talked and are now formally exclusive. I for one am happy for her! Okay, it took him a little longer to get there, but that does not make the commitment he has just made with Cecilia any less valid or real. Edited September 23, 2015 by katiegrl
BriNyc82 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want to commit to you but doesn't want you to be with anyone else. It's selfish. Him saying he was just messing around is BS. I think you are doing the right thing. Why put all your eggs in one basket if he is clearly saying he does not want to commit? He had a good deal. He got all of the relationship benefits without having to actually commit. Good for you for getting back out there and showing him he's not the only guy out there for you
katiegrl Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 QqSounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want to commit to you but doesn't want you to be with anyone else. It's selfish. Him saying he was just messing around is BS. I think you are doing the right thing. Why put all your eggs in one basket if he is clearly saying he does not want to commit? He had a good deal. He got all of the relationship benefits without having to actually commit. Good for you for getting back out there and showing him he's not the only guy out there for you Read the thread. He "has" committed and it appears it's working as she hasn't posted again in almost a week. 1
BriNyc82 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Oops of course I skipped the most important ones
Popsicle Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 This is how ALL men who want to be casual or FWB act. They want to be free to date others but don't want you to date others. You made several mistakes, the most important one being A) Continuing to see him after the 2 month mark of him saying he didn't want anything serious. B) Contacting him just recently to ask if he wanted to get together once you started talking to another man who you KNEW knew your FWB. The best thing for you to do is to completely drop both the FWB (nothing will change with him, he will never want more) and his friend who you just started talking to, because he will never respect you, and at best it will cause tension in their friendship. You need to start fresh and go for another man besides these two guys.
Popsicle Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Well, I'm sitting at his house right now typing this on my phone, and we just talked and were a couple that's exclusively dating. He said he has known we should talk about it for a while and he just hasn't known what to say because he isn't "good with words in that department" he says. Oh shoot I missed this too. Good for you!
Recommended Posts