What does he expect? I'm so frustrated

[CeciliaBueno]

I have been dating someone for five months. At the two month mark, I told him that I didn't want any misunderstandings, and I asked him where he was that with things. He said he wasn't ready for relationship, he didn't want anything serious, or exclusivity or anything like that. He told me that he really cares about me, and wanted to continue to see me, but that he just wasn't really looking for a relationship together yet. So My reaction was OK, that's where things stand, and we continued to see each other for the last five months total. I still have an online dating account on the site that we met on, and so does he. I only have an online dating account because the man I've been dating for 5 months has said that he wants things to be "not serious" and "not a committed relationship situation."

Well someone messaged me on there the other day, and I said hello back. That person just so happened to be someone that knows him and they commented to him a few days later about having met me online, because they knew he knew me. He never said anything to me about this person telling him they knew me when it happened, which I guess was a week ago.

 

Well, when I texted the person that I've been dating over the last five months today, I said "hey do you want to get together this evening?" And he said "why don't you call Joe from the dating site we met on and see if he wants to get together." And I said "I don't know who that is." (We literally never even exchanged names). And he explained that it was someone that he knows that showed him a picture of me and said that he had "met" me online (it was literally "hello" and "hello" back, there was no further conversation that took place or anything FYI. I haven't actually gone on a date for like 3 months). So I responded to his text and said "you told me that you didn't want anything exclusive or serious or committal. So when we talked that was what you told me. It's not what I wanted, but it was what you wanted. So I have been forcing myself to just try to accept it. Because you have said that that is what you want. You have been aware I have dating accounts still and you do too. But it's been because you wanted that, not me. I have not wanted open non-exclusive dating but you have. I haven't been on a date in months." He responded and said "I'm not mad or something, I'm just telling you." I then called him and he was out to dinner when I called, so he was busy, but he said again "I'm not mad, I'll call you tomorrow, no worries." That was last night. So we have not talked about it yet.

 

I feel like I don't know what to say or do here. He tells me all about how he doesn't want commitment and her being exclusive, but then he acts jealous and like his feelings are hurt, over me being on a dating site, when he's on dating sites too, it's so many mixed signals I don't even know what to do. What would you do? We're going to have a conversation about it at some point, I don't even know what to say. He says "I'm not mad or something"....but I feel like I AM. I'm really upset that his approach about it was to get an attitude with me almost like I was doing something wrong, when I wasn't. We both openly have been aware that the other one has dating accounts. Which has all been driven by HIS words and opinions and wants. I'm so frustrated I could scream.

 

I have been telling my girlfriends for 3 months how hard it is to be dating a man that doesn't want a commitment. They constantly encourage me to date around, they like him, but they know it's not what I want with him, I want exclusive dating at this point, and every single girlfriend that knows the situation has flat out told me I'm very much in the right that wanting exclusive dating after 5 months is very reasonable and I know it is, but I wasn't going to pressure him about it when he told me a long time ago what he was looking for. I feel like this is maybe a good point to share with him that this is exactly why open dating doesn't work at 5 months, because there's too much room for misunderstandings, and we need to either date exclusively or not date at all. Yet I am scared to have that conversation with him because I don't want to lose him over him possibly feeling pressured to be in a relationship, but he sounds like maybe he's ready for a relationship if he is that jealous of me even considering going out on a date with someone else.

 

I'm a mixture of frustrated and wanting to scream over mixed signals, yet almost glad this happened because it opens the conversation up to a very much needed conversation that needs to happen about what we are and what we want.

 

Would you be approach being exclusive with this man after all of this? I swear part of me is ready to walk away over absolute frustration over the whole situation. Yet I do love him.

 

Uuuuuugh! Thoughts?!?!?!

 

I literally feel like I'm either walking away or need exclusivity and there's no in between anymore. I don't want to lose him but I guess that's the risk I take in talking about it. Feels like I would be giving him an ultimatum, I guess I would be.....

 

His comments were "I'm not mad...." I feel like that's great, but you are obviously "something" about it if you are messaging me about it.

[Lois_Griffin]

I'll give him points for being straight up from the beginning, claiming he wasn't looking for a commitment.

 

However, it sounds as though he thinks only he should be able to remain uncommitted and free to date others, while you're supposed to just sit and wait around for him in between dates with him.

 

As if.

 

There's just no respect for you in issuing an ultimatum. If that's the length you have to go to in order to get a guy to commit to you, then that's just pitiful.

 

I'd be telling him that he's getting exactly what he WANTED - a non-committed 'relationship' with me. But if he expects you to sit in the dark every night crying into your soup and waiting around for your next date with him, then he's sadly mistaken.

 

I can't help but notice when you were telling him that although you have an active dating profile you haven't been on a date in months - that HE didn't make the same claim.

 

Lastly, please stop pandering to him. You keep telling him that you don't WANT to date but since he won't commit, this is how it has to be but it's not what you want and blah blah blah. You're giving HIM all the power to dictate how this relationship progresses and feeding his damned ego while you do it.

 

I'd simply tell him he's a selfish ass because he seems to think only HIS needs matter, here. He also knew going in that you wanted a committed relationship. While he's getting what HE wants, you're both ignoring what YOU want - and contrary to his beliefs, your needs matter just as much as his. Yeah, what a surprise - the world DOESN'T revolve around him.

 

I'd continue to start dating others. And you know what else? I'd also become less available to Mr. Selfish. He's had his way long enough.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're right, in the sense he doesn't have a leg to stand on when you told you he didn't want commitment.

 

But - he told you he didn't want commitment and you said you don't like that. So why did you continue to date him for the last several months? That's on you. You don't want the same things, so you were free to walk away.

 

I would stop seeing the first man. He doesn't want a relationship. You owe him nothing, but you seem to be expecting him to change his mind. Start dating other men.

[kassy]

I would suggest you talk to him and don't get angry with him, but be real with yourself, he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship and you do. You have come to the point where the two of you can't make the difference work. Break it off with him and find someone who wants the same thing as you.

[CeciliaBueno]

I feel that I cannot break things off with him. He has become one of my best friends. I have been going through a horrible divorce situation where my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, and I finalize my divorce two months ago, and during my entire divorce and even now he has been so supportive, with such kind words to say to me about how proud he is of me, how he's glad for me that I ended the situation when it was so abusive to me, and he has really helped me to get my self-confidence back from a situation that ripped it apart. He tells me I'm sexy, and hot, and he's always making me laugh or being funny. I cannot lose his friendship. It would rip me apart. You guys I would be so incredibly sad if things ended and I had to lose him from my life.

 

In reference to the things I have said to him about how I feel and what I want, I have said them because they are real and genuine. I don't date because I care for him and want a relationship. I only have dating accounts because he's not ready for a relationship. I've straight up told him that because I want him to know how much I care. I'm not pandering to him. I'm being straight up honest. I know in my heart that I am in love with him. Could I go out with another guy if I wanted to? Sure. It's not that I don't feel I can or should or whatever. I don't want to. I'm in love with him. I can't bring myself to going out with someone else when I'm in love with the person I'm dating. I don't want anyOne else. I spend time with friends or family or my daughter or doing hobbies or exercising and I stay very busy and active and I certainly don't just cry myself to sleep over him. But I truly love him.

[CeciliaBueno]

When I texted with day, he said why were you so upset last night about my text messages about the dating site thing? I'm just messing around with you, I know that we're not exclusive.

 

I think he thought he was just teasing me....in his mind....

[Leigh 87]

I hate to say this.

 

But when a man says that he " isn't ready " for a relationship after seeing you for months, it almost always means: " I am not ready for a relationship with YOU.

 

Sooo many guys who I know who have said that, are " ready " for a relationship when the girl who knocks their socks off comes along.

[Leigh 87]

When I texted with day, he said why were you so upset last night about my text messages about the dating site thing? I'm just messing around with you, I know that we're not exclusive.

 

I think he thought he was just teasing me....in his mind....

 

No man who fell hard for you and was smitten with you, would NOT want exclusivity after FIVE months.

 

Look, I've been on this website for years. Over five years. I've been on loads of dates, and I have met a lot of couples from around the world.

 

I can tell you with a high degree of certainly that after 5 months, if a man hadn't fallen in love with you, he NEVER will. Not ever. He can grow to love you sure, we can grow to love just about anyone. But falling head over heels or madly in love with you, he will not.

 

My friends boyfriend wasn't ready for s relationship when they met. He had online profiles up stating he just wanted fun because he just got out of a long relationship and wanted to be single for a year minimum. The moment he met her he changed his mind. He became enamoured with her. The vast majority of men who say they aren't ready for a relationship WOULD want s relationship with the right woman..

 

Occasionally, men lake the capacity to fall in love. Either they have been through trauma or they juts lack general empathy and depth to their feelings. I've met both types.....

 

But more often than not, the reason a man isn't ready to commit after five months, is because he just isn't that into you. Sorry.

[beanie66f]

Well. It's out there now so I agree with you on just telling him what you want. My guess is he isn't going to want to be exclusive. The vibe I'm getting is he isn't as into you as you are to him.

 

So find out and if he is.... Great - he is not a great communicator of his true feelings. But I'm guessing he likes you and enjoys your company but it's not the right match for him. When I did online dating after about the 4th or fifth date Was when I would hear the " lets not date other people".

 

Good luck!! I hope I'm wrong and the wheels start turning in his head. But if I were you I would try dating other people.

[anna121]

When I texted with day, he said why were you so upset last night about my text messages about the dating site thing? I'm just messing around with you, I know that we're not exclusive.

 

I think he thought he was just teasing me....in his mind....

 

It's possible he is telling the truth. Even if he is not, at this point I would go with it and pretend the incident never happened/he wasn't upset at all. If you are not ready to break up with him then you might as well avoid further conflict.

 

But I think you are setting yourself up for incredible pain down the road, and strongly advise you to end this.

[Versacehottie]

Oh shoot, shoot!! I didn't get to this in time. I thought you handled it really well in first conversation though I wouldn't have copped to not being on a date in 3 months--that he DOESN'T need to know. He needed to be worried you had been. I think it's a good thing this happened even though it's uncomfortable at first. You need to be strong and tough out the uncomfortableness.

 

Damn, you already texted him!!!! My advice would have been to just let your first conversation (the original post) marinate with him and LET HIM come back to you next. You needed to have him living with the uncertainty and worry about possibly losing you and maybe you having a bad reaction to him comments and irrational jealousy, in spite of what type of relationship he said he wanted. That would have been your best chance to have him come around.

 

Now I wouldn't say much, leave him in that uncertain state. Don't commit to him that you "haven't been on a date in 3 months" that's basically reassuring him that you are not going anywhere! Leave him wondering. My personality is such that I would probably even tease him about "joe" where it is clear that i'm not going out with joe because they are friends but it doesn't mean i'm not going out with anyone else. He's taking your relationship breezily SO you've got to let him know you are doing the same and he's kinda a joke to you. Guys like to be valued as a total person. I think your guy is getting off on basically having a relationship where he is treasured that way and fulfills your needs that way but can step in and out of it. He was obviously jealous and is now trying to cover it up and act like it was no big deal. Do not reassure him in any way. This is just dating stuff which we can easily help you through as it unfolds.

 

What really concerns me is in your later posts you say you would be torn to pieces or something like that if you lost him. Well you are really setting yourself up for potential heartbreak here. Now is the moment to make a play to have him commit or move on yourself. Or you will be doing this to yourself and it will be painful. I also believe if you let this moment slide where he KNOWS you are in the palm of his hand, you will lose lots of value to him and maybe the relationship as a committed one will NEVER be. My advice is:

1. Get clear on what you want. You are acting like you want a relationship and that's fair at this point. If you want that, don't accept less or you are in for a world of hurt--when you are even more invested.

2. Pull back. If he approaches the dating site situation or tries to have a conversation about it, (which I think he will if you just keep him in dark about what you are doing on dating site for a few weeks and pull back), then say "yeah, I've been thinking about our conversation about that. Try to pause or leave it vague enough that he will need to fill in blanks to keep you in his life. He needs to get feeling over the next few weeks and in any conversation you have about this that you are having major doubts about keeping him in your life under these conditions.

3.If he will not try to pin you down, sorry it requires drastic measures. Stop dating him. I think he will come back HOWEVER you need to do this for yourself no matter what and if it hurts some now, it will give you best chance to be happy in long run and not completely crushed down the road.

[CeciliaBueno]

Katiegirl hit the nail on the head of the point that I am trying to make on certain aspects of this. He said at the two month mark, which was three months ago, that he wasn't looking for anything serious or a relationship together yet. But that he really liked me and wanted to continue seeing me. Now it has been a total of five months that we have been dating, we have not talked about it further at all over the last three months. We have just several times agreed we really like seeing each other, and we text daily that we miss each other or we check in on how each others day is going, and we see each other weekly. At the current point now, if anything at all resembling me seeing someone else comes into the picture, he gets VERY jealous. I would be very jealous vice versus as well. I am in love with him, but I've never told him that, but I know I am.

 

If he isn't wanting a relationship, or doesn't have feelings for me that are more than casual fun non-serious dating feelings, why is he soooo incredibly jealous if a man even talks to me????

[katiegrl]

Katiegirl hit the nail on the head of the point that I am trying to make on certain aspects of this. He said at the two month mark, which was three months ago, that he wasn't looking for anything serious or a relationship together yet. But that he really liked me and wanted to continue seeing me. Now it has been a total of five months that we have been dating, we have not talked about it further at all over the last three months. We have just several times agreed we really like seeing each other, and we text daily that we miss each other or we check in on how each others day is going, and we see each other weekly. At the current point now, if anything at all resembling me seeing someone else comes into the picture, he gets VERY jealous. I would be very jealous vice versus as well. I am in love with him, but I've never told him that, but I know I am.

 

If he isn't wanting a relationship, or doesn't have feelings for me that are more than casual fun non-serious dating feelings, why is he soooo incredibly jealous if a man even talks to me????

 

Cecilia, he *does* have feelings for you, that's obvious. Otherwise he would not have gotten as jealous as he did.

 

As to why he does not wish to commit to a relationship, IMO, it is because you are making it too easy for him not to!

 

He knows he's "got you," no matter what .... so there is nothing propelling him forward.

 

I believe if he truly believed there was a chance he could lose you (to another guy), or because you are fed up with the status quo ....THAT would be the push he needed to kick it up to the next level...

 

Unless he is a commitment phobe, which is a whole n'other issue altogether!

[runningscared79]

My situation is kind of similar, only I am not still on my dating profile. My guy seems all in one day and then freaking out about being together the next. I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me too. This dating crap just gets harder and harder as we get older.

[d0nnivain]

Cecelia

 

You need to calmly point out to him that he is the one who put you in this predicament. If he owns the responsibility by acknowledging that his decision to forgo a commitment left you free to date / message whomever & that he has the power to change that by being exclusive, there are no more problems.

 

Ask him what he wants.

 

See where you go from there.

 

Don't phrase it as an ultimatum but if you don't like the answer, walk.

[CeciliaBueno]

You're right, I am giving him a situation where he doesn't have to fully commit. But I haven't wanted to be "that women" that decides we need to "have the talk" and things...I'm afraid it will scare a man away that has gone from not wanting a relationship yet when we met, to really liking me, to spending weekly time tigether and texting daily. I've been trying to ease into things if they go past non serious casual dating. Let it kind of naturally happen for a while. And it is. But we definitely can't continue with it undefined forever, as we can both see, that won't work.

[katiegrl]

Cecelia

 

You need to calmly point out to him that he is the one who put you in this predicament. If he owns the responsibility by acknowledging that his decision to forgo a commitment left you free to date / message whomever & that he has the power to change that by being exclusive, there are no more problems.

 

Ask him what he wants.

 

See where you go from there.

 

Don't phrase it as an ultimatum but if you don't like the answer, walk.

 

Cecilia, given your last post, do this ^^^^.

[CeciliaBueno]

I agree Katiegirl, that's exactly what I need to do.

[CeciliaBueno]

Well, we are supposed to see each other tonight so I am going to let him bring up the dating site situation (he will) and then I'm going to let that be an opportunity for us to both say where we are at. I'm going to say that I'm at a point of really, really caring about him and not wanting to lose him from my life, yet also knowing I don't want to continue to date with things undefined, because it's just not what I want. Either a boyfriend/girlfriend situation is where it should go, or we should maintain contact and not pursue anything outside of two friends that care about each other, yet not lose contact because we have an awesome friendship.

 

Wish me luck! I'm prepared to walk away if I need to and possibly have a friendship that becomes more distant and things. Yet, it will be best for my heart and emotions to just have the conversation. I need to do what's right for me overall. And the uncertainty of "what are we" hanging over my head with things just isn't really something I can happily deal with day to day anymore. Too much left unsaid in that scenario.

 

I will let y'all know what happens....

[katiegrl]

Well, we are supposed to see each other tonight so I am going to let him bring up the dating site situation (he will) and then I'm going to let that be an opportunity for us to both say where we are at. I'm going to say that I'm at a point of really, really caring about him and not wanting to lose him from my life, yet also knowing I don't want to continue to date with things undefined, because it's just not what I want. Either a boyfriend/girlfriend situation is where it should go, or we should maintain contact and not pursue anything outside of two friends that care about each other, yet not lose contact because we have an awesome friendship.

 

Wish me luck! I'm prepared to walk away if I need to and possibly have a friendship that becomes more distant and things. Yet, it will be best for my heart and emotions to just have the conversation. I need to do what's right for me overall. And the uncertainty of "what are we" hanging over my head with things just isn't really something I can happily deal with day to day anymore. Too much left unsaid in that scenario.

 

I will let y'all know what happens....

 

 

Okay but how do you remain "friends" with man you are in love with?

 

 

How will you handle hearing about the other women he goes out with...etc etc etc.?

 

 

What happens if/when he meets another woman and starts dating her....and, and as his friend, tells you about it?

 

 

How will you handle seeing him so happy with "another" women?

 

 

I don't see how a friendship will work for you Cecilia.... I foresee it ultimately being very hurtful to you.

Edited September 22, 2015 by katiegrl

[CeciliaBueno]

We have an extremely strong friendship. I don't think at all that things will end tonight. But if they do, then I can go from here with my comfort level with everything else. He would be a fool to let things end, but if he does, I will accept it and love him as my friend and be supportive of him as my friend. I've been a very good friend to him just like he has been to me. I've also been a great "non-girlfriend woman he's been dating" to him also. So...honestly if he moves on and dates someone...it could easily make him miss what he had which is very likely. And if not then not, he might find a good situation with someone else, no hard feelings if so. I just want what's best for us both. Together, apart, whichever. I feel that I know with certainty at this point that he is a lucky man to have had me as a woman in his life, because I'm confident in who I am as a woman, and how I have treated him as a man in my life, so I will have peace with knowing I have been myself and have given things my true genuine effort, and that any woman that comes along that he might date would have a real hard time competing with what a great woman and friend I have been towards him. Bring it on if we don't date anymore and he sees someone else. Maybe it will knock some sense into him. Most women he's going to date are going to love him for his money, and I love him for his friendship and his heart. and I will date, and I will go wherever I want to go with someone else if they are special enough to me. But I will keep loving him regardless if things end. Because he really is that special to me.

[CeciliaBueno]

By the way, I am 100% a self respecting woman in this situation. Theres nothing wrong with open dating for 5 months. I didn't want to be exclusive immediately either and jump right into something super serious and things right away. And I was okay with open dating at two months. Ive just reached a point where I want more than open dating with him if we continue to see each other, that's all. Not jumping right into a serious relationship isn't a bad thing in my opinion. I've done that my whole life and it was a bad idea. Ended up not getting to know someone enough first before being a couple. Then major problems arose after all of the newness of the great sex and the "new love" feelings wore off.

[CeciliaBueno]

Well, I'm sitting at his house right now typing this on my phone, and we just talked and were a couple that's exclusively dating. He said he has known we should talk about it for a while and he just hasn't known what to say because he isn't "good with words in that department" he says.

Edited September 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited due to response from thread jack ~ V

[Buddhist]

It's pretty obvious here isn't it? He doesn't want exclusivity for himself, but he still expects it of you. Personally I would tell the moody bitch to take a hike. When he suggested you call John, I would have said....oh! Good idea thanks.

[craw]

Well, I'm sitting at his house right now typing this on my phone, and we just talked and were a couple that's exclusively dating. He said he has known we should talk about it for a while and he just hasn't known what to say because he isn't "good with words in that department" he says.

I'm really confused. Does this story have a happy ending or not?

Edited September 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited out removed response ~ V