Sunberry Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I've spent a lot of self-analyzing and realized that the guys I've been attracted to end up being complete a**holes. Even the ones I don't fully know, I end up asking someone close to them what they're about and they'll tell me their a**holes. I just don't get it... Another thing I want to ask: Usually, I must find a guy physically attractive in order for a relationship to work. It's not the end all say all, as personality makes or breaks it. But that's honestly the first thing I look for. With that being said, I haven't been in a relationship in 5-6 years. There have been a few guys over the years, but it's just been sexual. So far, now, the guys who want more than me, I'm on board emotionally, but not physically (meaning they're sweet, but I can't see anything more because I'm not physically attracted to them). Am I being TOO picky? Am I being ridiculous? Am I being shallow? Thanks!
h0000 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Knowing nothing about you and your looks, I can't tell if your being too picky. And maybe , you are just attracted to the wrong type
road Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Sounds as if your picker is broken. That is why you keep picking the same type of losers. Are you confusing the way a man looks with the way he carries himself, bravado, swagger?
Gaeta Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Attraction is attraction. It's not something you control although through the years who you are physically attracted to will change as you change. You may change a few things though. Try to be quicker to dismiss them when they show their true color. That's something I am working on.
Maggie4 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Yes, of course. It tells a lot about you. If you say I keep dating people who are this and that, then it's time to look at yourself. Not all of it is negative, though.
Vintage79 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Who you date, who you would, and who you won't date absolutely speaks volumes about you. Basically, you're preferences suggests superficial taste. So yes, it's fine to be attracted to who you're attracted to, but it may be worth giving the guys, who have a great personality, another shot - the physical interest may grow, and truthfully, the physical component leaves - do you really think it's going to matter all that much what they looked like at your age when you're 60? Probably not all that much...but their personality will still be a huge deal... 1
Redhead14 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I've spent a lot of self-analyzing and realized that the guys I've been attracted to end up being complete a**holes. Even the ones I don't fully know, I end up asking someone close to them what they're about and they'll tell me their a**holes. I just don't get it... Another thing I want to ask: Usually, I must find a guy physically attractive in order for a relationship to work. It's not the end all say all, as personality makes or breaks it. But that's honestly the first thing I look for. With that being said, I haven't been in a relationship in 5-6 years. There have been a few guys over the years, but it's just been sexual. So far, now, the guys who want more than me, I'm on board emotionally, but not physically (meaning they're sweet, but I can't see anything more because I'm not physically attracted to them). Am I being TOO picky? Am I being ridiculous? Am I being shallow? Thanks! The first time I met my current SO, I thought he was, eh, kinda cute, not over the moon for him that way. As I talked to him though I was more drawn in. At that point, we were just two people having a nice conversation. It wasn't about dating. That "pressure" wasn't on the situation. The next time I saw him, he asked me for my number and we set up a date. I continued to see him and as time went by I found him more and more handsome. Now I think he is very handsome and turns me on very much. I think if a guy who may not be "all that" to you starts talking to you and you just don't think about him in terms of the physical aspect in the very beginning, just focus on listening, etc., he may "grow' on you. Of course, if he's totally unappealing, that's a different story. I think that looks are just really the first thing you have to work with as a start. I mean, you can't say, "hey, that guy/girl looks like a great conversationalist, or funny or what have you, I'll go up to him/her". It's the look that draws you at first blush. That being said, I've been approached by guys who were 10's but when they opened their mouths they became 2's My guy was probably a 6 but now he's a 12 It's the way he makes me feel.
Gaeta Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Who you date, who you would, and who you won't date absolutely speaks volumes about you. Basically, you're preferences suggests superficial taste. So yes, it's fine to be attracted to who you're attracted to, but it may be worth giving the guys, who have a great personality, another shot - the physical interest may grow, and truthfully, the physical component leaves - do you really think it's going to matter all that much what they looked like at your age when you're 60? Probably not all that much...but their personality will still be a huge deal... There has to be something in the person you meet that speaks to you. I did meet men I felt so-so about their body or face but after 2-3 dates I grew into them. I did because there was something already there that had peaked my curiosity even though they weren't my usual type. If the man is absolutely not attractive to a woman there is NO point trying to grow attraction out of complete disinterestedness. And there is nothing shallow to want to be with someone who we find attractive and endearing. Ya sure personality is fun but if the man has poor hygiene, can't put himself together nicely for a date, doesn't smell nice, and lets be honest if he cannot bend forward to tie his own shoes, I don't care how fun his personality is.
losangelena Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 OP, I had a similar experience. After I was dating for a while, I noticed that all the guys I was MOST attracted to were all emotionally unavailable in some way. It made me start to question if I was also emotionally unavailable, and therefore found comfort in having a degree of separation with the men I dated. That realization actually landed me in therapy, and I'm still trying to close that gap.
Gaeta Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I met tons of flakes, men that slowly faded away or do a sudden disappearing act. Yet, after meeting 10s of 10s of men I have NEVER ever done a flake or disappearing act on any of them! So NO who I have encountered don't speak volume on the type of person I am.
Author Sunberry Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 Who you date, who you would, and who you won't date absolutely speaks volumes about you. Basically, you're preferences suggests superficial taste. So yes, it's fine to be attracted to who you're attracted to, but it may be worth giving the guys, who have a great personality, another shot - the physical interest may grow, and truthfully, the physical component leaves - do you really think it's going to matter all that much what they looked like at your age when you're 60? Probably not all that much...but their personality will still be a huge deal... I don't shallowly pick out a hot guy from a crowd. If they're cute, I'll give it a go. If they're hot I'd question everything about life, haha...When they're 60 of course it won't matter what they look like because I believe if I'm with someone for that long I must be in love with them... I think there are instances where I have gave that guy with the awesome personality a try, but I've realized that I'm not too excited about the date as I see it as nothing but two people getting to know each other as friends. When i'm interested in someone romantically I get a bit nervous, whereas if I'm not I'm more confident. So confidentally, I'll talk to them as if we're friends. The issue just comes when they confess and I have to turn them down. I feel like a terrible person.
Vintage79 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I don't shallowly pick out a hot guy from a crowd. If they're cute, I'll give it a go. If they're hot I'd question everything about life, haha...When they're 60 of course it won't matter what they look like because I believe if I'm with someone for that long I must be in love with them... I think there are instances where I have gave that guy with the awesome personality a try, but I've realized that I'm not too excited about the date as I see it as nothing but two people getting to know each other as friends. When i'm interested in someone romantically I get a bit nervous, whereas if I'm not I'm more confident. So confidentally, I'll talk to them as if we're friends. The issue just comes when they confess and I have to turn them down. I feel like a terrible person. Ok - so maybe it's not that you're too superficial - with more context, it sounds like the nerves. It's a pretty easy nix if the girl I go out with is super nervous when I see her...it doesn't make me comfortable and certainly doesn't get me to think about her as a passionate fling/date/partner. Basically, this sounds like you need to learn how to date - stop putting that much pressure on yourself when you meet someone you think you could like - chances are it won't work out anyway, so why fret - just have a good time and go with the flow, as opposed to putting tons of pressure on yourself and killing the mood...
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