ErinErinErin Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Hi! I just need some advice about my dumb ex...he broke up with me for a stupid reason and now we are close to getting back together...but the problem is and he's even admitted it that he's stubborn and doesn't want to let me back in so easy... I try to get close to him and he says that I will get the wrong idea...but then he admitted that he is scared to fall for me again and that he misses me... How do I get him to fall? I know that you can't make up someones mind for them, but he is so close to being with me again...and he admits that he is stubborn... The NC thing doesn't work becuase he said it is hard to be around me cause he wants me so badly...
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 In the physical world the law of gravity is simple: you push and he falls. In the emotional world, the law of emotional gravity is also simple: you push and he leaves. Step back. Don't push. He has clearly stated where he is in this process. He won't get any further forward if you start dragging him forward. He will only go forward when he chooses to, without any interference in any way, shape or form. Try to reconnect with the person you were when he was initially attracted to you and fell in love with you. If he is coming back, he will want to come back to that person: not the person you turned into during the course of the relationship - the one that he chose to walk away from. He changed too, and I expect the process he is going through is trying to reconnect with that person he was when he fell in love with you. He is afraid of you once again becoming the woman he fell out of love with, and is afraid of going back to being the same guy who fell out of love with you. Second chances are fragile. They are built on a broken foundation - so they start slowly, gingerly... You are treading through sharp jagged things together, still raw from the break. No one wants to go back to a condemned house on a broken foundation. So, leave it behind you. Start new. Ground zero. Second chances only gather strength if you stop holding onto the old foundation, and focus on building a new one with the lessons you learned from the breaking of the first one.
Author ErinErinErin Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Thank you so much for the post! It was really beautiful and very true...It is just very frustrating to me because it has been three weeks since the breakup and things are finally looking up... For the first week we were still sorting our stuff out so we had to talk but it was mean and rude and I was begging... For the second week he didn't want to talk anymore because he said it was too hard for the both of us and I agreed- but I thought it was definately over! Then in the past week, he started hanging around where I work and calling me to ask about the dumbest things- I think he was checking up on me becuase I did NC with him for the week. I know him really well and I know he expected me to come running up to him when I seen him at work- but I didn't. I know he was expecting me to call him crying every night- but I was strong. So I deceided to write him a letter and then leave things up to him- by not contacting him at all. Well we talked about this and he said that he does miss me and still wants me and that things are bad without me there. But I told him he was being very stubborn about not wanting to let me back into his life and he agreed that he is being stubborn about this. We joked about having sex and he said that I would get the wrong idea...but I told him that he would probably get the wrong idea and want to be together again...he agreed there too! So that is where things stand now- kinda in limbo for me...I sent him a text late last nite about not being stubborn and that I miss him (he was surprised that I still loved him when we talked last- he was under the impression that I hated him!)... So now what to do? I know the less he sees of me the more he tries to forget me- that's why seeing me the other day was hard for him- he said it reminded him of me being that close before... Now what? Any advice? I am sick of NC becuase he just ends up being weird and calling me about weird things and it's going nowhere!!! Thanks so much!
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Think of it this way: are you forgetting him? Is your time away from him causing you to forget that you want him back? If he feels the same way that you are about this, then he won't forget either.
Author ErinErinErin Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 [color=blue]Think of it this way: are you forgetting him? Is your time away from him causing you to forget that you want him back? If he feels the same way that you are about this, then he won't forget either.[/color] Hmmm....that is something to think about...I miss him dearly- just all of the times we spent alone and how he poured his heart out to me (which made him scared...) but if he misses me half as bad as I miss him, then that's a start... Actually makes sense cause he admitted to me that he really misses me but had lame excuses why we are apart... So what to do now though...I will give him some space, but I may call him tonite and ask if he wants to spend some time together...????????????????
outdated Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Please believe me when I say this. Don't contact him. He will contact you if he wants what you want. That is it.
Merin Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by outdated Please believe me when I say this. Don't contact him. He will contact you if he wants what you want. That is it. Please believe Outdated For real, BELIEVE HIM!
Author ErinErinErin Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 I know I have to beleive you...but he even admitted that it is hard to see me cause it makes him want to be back together...I am worried that when he doesn't see me that he will forget about me...I feel like such a wimp and that I am so helpless about the entire thing! He even said that he loved the letter I gave him and reads it often...I just want to let him spend time with me and realize that we were good together as he admitted... If being together makes him want to be back together what to do? I don't want him to forget about me, but I don't want to seem clingy and desperate... I feel so lost cause he sends such mixed signals...I know he wants to get back together cause he said so but he is being sooooo stubborn! Help!
outdated Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by ErinErinErin I know I have to beleive you...but he even admitted that it is hard to see me cause it makes him want to be back together...I am worried that when he doesn't see me that he will forget about me...I feel like such a wimp and that I am so helpless about the entire thing! He even said that he loved the letter I gave him and reads it often...I just want to let him spend time with me and realize that we were good together as he admitted... If being together makes him want to be back together what to do? I don't want him to forget about me, but I don't want to seem clingy and desperate... I feel so lost cause he sends such mixed signals...I know he wants to get back together cause he said so but he is being sooooo stubborn! Help! Let me put it to you this way. I had limited, and I mean limited contact with my ex for the first 8 weeks. She said, and still says (until I went completely NC) that she can't see me because it's too hard. Who knows how long this will go on. I have to keep her away from my phone so that I can keep her away from my head. My advice to you would be to do the same. Limited contact doesn't give you proper decompression. He and you will still feel the initial ties being broken and this will hurt until you let them go completely. Once you've both done this, then the real thinking begins. And possibly the healing that is required to get back together (if this is even a possible outcome). Who knows what the future will bring, and I think there is something to the stubborness factor, but the truth of the matter is that he can't and doesn't want to deal with you right now. You have to let it go for a while and get on with something you like without him. If the mixed signals confuse you, and they are probably meant to, you have to exorcise them from your daily rountine.
Author ErinErinErin Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Thanks for the advice again- I think that he is really confused- he is divorced and his ex wife completley trampled on him and he admitted to having trust and closeness issues because of that...he is scared of being hurt and always asked me not to hurt him (I wouldn't)...I told him that maybe he hurt me before I got the chance to hurt him... I know it bothered him that I got close to him the other day...I always ask for excuses for us not being together and he never has any good excuses...he says it was because of the way I acted on his kids birthday- but that is a cope out cause I was just having a bad day... I know he is not dating anyone else cause he told me that and that he doesn't want to...he said he may be alone for the rest of his life... Why does he feel the need to be the martyr for being alone? He keeps telling me how he has been alone before...yet he misses me not being there... So last time we talked he said "I'm not ready to give you a second chance right now..." If I listened to any of the good advice you guys give to me- I will 1) Leave him alone and give him time to think and 2) Leave him alone and give him time to think... Any advice please? I know that he loves having me chase him and that he has issues...cause the second I back off he is the one talking to me... Help!
Author ErinErinErin Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 Okay...so to update...I sent him a text basically saying goodbye and what not (I'm tired of him shotting me down and then bringing me up again)...then I have had NC with him since then... So my phone rings at 8:30 am this morning...I was slepping in a little bit! And it was him. He was all like Hey and told me that I left some papers at his house (I know which ones...I work in cosmetics part time and they were just some dumb flyers I got from work about new products---- He could have thrown them out)... So we talk for a while...instead of just telling me abou the "important" papers we asks what is new etc...then tells me he works so hard, but what else does he have to do anyways? He is always throwing in these little comments like that... So I think he is the "challenge" we were discussing...the second I back off (literally the next day) he is calling me for the dumbest reasons...he could just leave the papers in his mailbox or drop them off at work... But I know he will just shoot me down when I go and get them on Sunday...What is going on? If you don't want to be with me then don't be with me...I know he has issues with his ex and the divorce and the kids etc...but WTF?????????????
queenie01 Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Erin I think they all have issues...thats why im just doing my own thing. Either my ex will regret what he has done or he wont, its that simple! Today is 3 weeks since we broke up and 14 days with no contact.... It sucks so bad because I seriously saw him almost every day this week and we dont smile or say hello...nothing. To me he is being super immature and acting like a child, in my whole life i havent experienced anythign quite like this and we didnt even end on bad terms!!! WTF!
Author ErinErinErin Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 It is week three for me too Queenie!!! These guys are dumb- I'll bet your guy is just waiting for you to freak out and be all I love you and stuff and it bothers him when you're calm and collected... My ex, I think, is bothered byt the same thing and hates when I cut my ties to him with my pathetic "goodbye" texts...When we talked today, I mentioned my friends brother who is interested in me...Boy, that shut him up... Like I said, just keep your head up...maybe smile at him at work, just a nice indifferent "we work together Hi coworker" smile...that might throw him for a loop... Me, I have to see the ex on Sunday to pick up my useless flyers... And he will have his kids with him for the first time since we broke up...they will probably ask about me cause they liked me...that should make him squirm... BTW...WTF is the only thing to say sometimes!!!!
queenie01 Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 yeah i have no clue what is going thru my exs head, problem is that he is a great guy and we had an awesome relationship then one day he just says "something is missing" what kind of lame crap is that.... I wish he wouldnt go to the gym at the same time as me either because it sucks seeing him and not talking....really sucks!! i dont know how he is handling it!! Im sure at this point he is waiting for me to iniate some form of communication because my stuff is at his house but it was his brainy idea to keep it at his house for a couple weeks in the first place. I swear I was trying to be nice and give him the benefit of the doubt that he was sincere with his text message suggesting we get together in a couple weeks to talk and see how we feel.... I think im just an idiot whos being taking for a ride!! Should be interesting to see how your ex acts on sunday....just keep your cool!!
ConfusedInOC Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Queenie, just be confident in yourself and who you are. He will see that and you will gain some of your attraction back in his eyes. But you have to THINK it to BE it. And you have to think it all the time. Not arrogance, just self confidence.
Jadey Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Its funny, thats one thing my ex says he sees in me (he still says it now) "my confidence" He says i ahvent lost it. I am sometimes confident but most the time its an act. Its like a natural thing with me when i see Joe its like BANG soemthing happens and im smiling, laughing, acting like im fine. When really im in hell. I dont know wot happens, its just when i see him i do it without even thinking, nomatter how much it hurts to see him. Do anyone do this? My friend says its my gaurd or wall.. Fake it to make it..
Author ErinErinErin Posted May 21, 2005 Author Posted May 21, 2005 Queenie- I will let you know what happens on Sunday...I'm planning on being calmer than ever before...and dressing nicer than ever before...lol I'm not getting my hopes up though cause as usual he will probably just shoot me down and I'll be right back to square one...
Author ErinErinErin Posted May 26, 2005 Author Posted May 26, 2005 Just a qucik update to let you know what a jerk he is being to me! He called me a few times this wekend to let me know that he seen me driving near where I work and he lives- he was all mad cause he thought I was ignoring him because I didn't wave... Then I had to go to his house to pick up some more of my stuff I needed... I get there and he is being really nice...he says stuff like "We'll get back together soon, but it might be too late and you'll have moved on" and asking stuff about who I am seeing... But the comment that made me open my eyes was "In the meantime before we get back together, I know you'll always just be a phone call away!" WTF!!! So that's how he thinks of me...that he can just have me there whenever he needs...So I am going to have some self respect and there will be absolutely NC!
ConfusedInOC Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 Originally posted by ErinErinErin Just a qucik update to let you know what a jerk he is being to me! He called me a few times this wekend to let me know that he seen me driving near where I work and he lives- he was all mad cause he thought I was ignoring him because I didn't wave... Then I had to go to his house to pick up some more of my stuff I needed... I get there and he is being really nice...he says stuff like "We'll get back together soon, but it might be too late and you'll have moved on" and asking stuff about who I am seeing... But the comment that made me open my eyes was "In the meantime before we get back together, I know you'll always just be a phone call away!" WTF!!! So that's how he thinks of me...that he can just have me there whenever he needs...So I am going to have some self respect and there will be absolutely NC! There you go. He thinks you're his doormat. No mutual respect. He's crossed your line many times. You're on the right track and I think you know what to do.
queenie01 Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 Forget about that guy Erin, hes not worth it... thats how im feeling about mine too. We finally spoke thru email on tuesday regarding getting my things back and he said he could drop them off at my place if i wanted and i told him thats fine but he would need to let me know when so that i can plan to be home, he said this week was shot for him so maybe like next thursday and i said that could work but iwould let him know if something changed and told him the option to talk is still there if he had anything to say since that was his "idea" he said he really has nothing much to say other than he feels bad for the way he handled things... WHATEVER!!! Then he emailed me again later and said he wished it didnt have to be so awkward, which started an whole hour long email conversation only to find out that he is still stuck with his reason "something was missing from our relationship" Basically the romance died, i even knew that towards the last week, our relationship was so boring and routine, we needed to make some changes but his idea was to throw the towel in because he said that it wasnt something that "trying" would fix... made me realize that if he really cared abotu me or the relationship he would have made an effort, he told me he did try and wanted things to workout and it sucked losing me but it wouldnt have been fair to either of us.. WTF... He tried, funny i didnt know anything about it, how fair was that!! It takes effort on both parts for it to work....
Author ErinErinErin Posted May 28, 2005 Author Posted May 28, 2005 Thanks for the advice- I think I needed his last comment of "You'll always be one phone call away" to finalize things for me... Some things that I have realized and that I think are important in the future...Love shouldn't leave you guessing and shouldn't hurt like this...Love shouldn't rejoice in defeat or be arrogant...And like the bible says...Love is patient, Love is kind... So we'll see if he calls me or not...I know my friends would freak (as would many of you guys here!) if I ever gave him a second chance...
Recommended Posts