Lovelorn00 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 First, I'm happy to report that, despite the anxiety expressed in my previous post over a perceived loss of interest due to a small shift in texting habits, the guy I'm seeing (and constantly obsessing over) did eventually contact me. It's been a few days since the freak-out, and he's still initiating contact daily, hinting at future plans, flirting, etc. Here's the thing, though - he still hasn't made plans for another date. He was out of town this past weekend and just got back tonight. We've been on a few dates so far, and usually, he sets up another date while we're still hanging out. This didn't happen during our last date, so that's what contributed to the freak-out. Is he losing interest? Or am I jumping the gun here? Perhaps give him time to get started with his week? I've spent a lot of time reading posts by women here who were in a similar situation, and none of them are really helpful. As always, it's the old initiate vs. don't initiate debate. Do I just ask him out? Or will that scare him off? Or is the fact that I haven't initiated anything scaring him off? I don't wanna scare him off! Why are men so easily scared off? Help! P.S. I'd like to add that, while I haven't been the one to initiate contact and dates with this guy, I do actively help to come up with suggestions for date ideas. For example: Him: What's your week look like? Me: I'm free on Wednesday and Thursday. Him: Great! Let's do something on Thursday. Me: Sounds good! Hey, that new movie we were talking about is out now. Let's check it out! So, I do feel like I'm meeting him in the middle by reciprocating and actively participating in the planning of the date, but... perhaps it's not enough?
Versacehottie Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Sounds like he is just getting comfortable. You didn't say how long or frequently per week you are dating. I think how you are doing it now sounds good in general. I feel like guys who want you to initiate will make a peep or two about it before they just lose interest. They will say something like "you can call me sometimes, you know" or other similar hints. If you've gone out more than 4 times, make sure you pick up the check so he can see that you are not on a free ride (lots of guys think this or get resentful about it and this is something they won't necessarily speak up about). Some might not even mind paying but when you do, it has a lasting, positive effect. I've said it on other threads recently. If he is taking you for granted with the scheduling, teach him how to treat you. For example, if he's left you hanging all week or asks for a last minute date, there is one way to teach people not to do that again--don't be available. Or you can squeeze him in for an hour before you go do your other thing. IMO, if he just got back tonight/today, he's a guy and he's probably not even thinking what the rest of his week is going to be. Remember physiologically guys are not mulit-taskers!! If I were in your shoes, I'd act breezily about it and don't panic. 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 Thanks, Versacehottie. We’ve only been seeing each other for about a month and a half, and despite both of our super busy schedules, we manage to see each other 1 or 2 times a week. He’s a bit of a nerdy guy and a tad awkward, but very outgoing. He also seems to know all the “rules” when it comes to dating (he initiates communication, he sets up dates, he texts AND calls, he opens doors, etc.). He’s very much a gentleman. He’s never asked me out on a last-minute date. All of our dates were initiated by him days or even a week in advance. I’m just afraid that we’ve reached the point where I need to either continue letting him initiate or risk scaring him off by initiating something. I always feel like I have to walk this fine line with guys – like I have to walk on eggshells out of fear that I’ll come across in an undesirable way. It’s so difficult.
MidwestUSA Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 You've been on enough dates to start initiating. If it scares him off, his loss. Do you really want a guy who would be offended by that? Next time you mention a movie, give him a date and time. 3
Versacehottie Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Or next time you suggest something, like a movie or whatever, make it clear that you are paying and organizing--all he has to do is say yes and agree to which date and time. I think he is just getting a little more comfortable. On your end, don't use the excuse that it's ok to initiate a bit now to totally ramp up the level of contact. I'm still of the belief that will scare a guy away, partly because it's a 180 and essentially you want him to "sell" you on the idea of being with him not the other way around, ie don't chase him. But if you are already seeing each other regularly once or twice a week, just have one of those be the nights, you take care of everything. Good luck 1
xcupid Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Thanks, Versacehottie. We’ve only been seeing each other for about a month and a half, and despite both of our super busy schedules, we manage to see each other 1 or 2 times a week. He’s a bit of a nerdy guy and a tad awkward, but very outgoing. He also seems to know all the “rules” when it comes to dating (he initiates communication, he sets up dates, he texts AND calls, he opens doors, etc.). He’s very much a gentleman. He’s never asked me out on a last-minute date. All of our dates were initiated by him days or even a week in advance. I’m just afraid that we’ve reached the point where I need to either continue letting him initiate or risk scaring him off by initiating something. I always feel like I have to walk this fine line with guys – like I have to walk on eggshells out of fear that I’ll come across in an undesirable way. It’s so difficult. There's nothing wrong with YOU initiating something. And you're throwing out enough hints. 1
menyou Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 If you want to get together with him don't just initiate. Tell him these are the plans. Are you available? If he is not interested hopefully he will just decline your offer otherwise he is an a&$hole that doesn't know any better. The waiting games that people play drive me insane. Just be upfront that you are into him and either he will react accordingly, which is in a positive manner, or he will hem and haw which will give you a better idea of how he feels. Honestly, you have nothing to lose but finding out sooner than later that things will just not work out. 2
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 Or next time you suggest something, like a movie or whatever, make it clear that you are paying and organizing--all he has to do is say yes and agree to which date and time. I think he is just getting a little more comfortable. On your end, don't use the excuse that it's ok to initiate a bit now to totally ramp up the level of contact. I'm still of the belief that will scare a guy away, partly because it's a 180 and essentially you want him to "sell" you on the idea of being with him not the other way around, ie don't chase him. But if you are already seeing each other regularly once or twice a week, just have one of those be the nights, you take care of everything. Good luck I'm totally with all of you. We have a date tomorrow, and since he celebrated a birthday recently (he was out of town), I'm going to make this date my treat. The birthday prevents me from seeming like I'm coming on way too strong (initiating contact, paying for dates). And you're right -At this point, I don't think it'll hurt to initiate our daily communication every now and then. I hope... lol. 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 You've been on enough dates to start initiating. If it scares him off, his loss. Do you really want a guy who would be offended by that? Next time you mention a movie, give him a date and time. This pretty much sums up the mindset I should be having about this whole dating thing anyway. If a guy gets “scared off” by a woman initiating contact once in a while, then I’m not sure he’s the guy I’d want to date anyway. I guess if I look deeper into it, those are the men who may have issues with insecurity. Or perhaps hold way too strongly to male/female gender roles in relationships. Those issues are likely to show themselves in other aspects of our relationship, so it’s best that I find out now.
jam.over.jelly Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 So what's the update? Has he contacted you since and asked you out again yet? I think at the very least if he's interested he would still text you and set up a date. 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 So what's the update? Has he contacted you since and asked you out again yet? I think at the very least if he's interested he would still text you and set up a date. Oh! Yes! Sorry, I forgot to update. Yes, he did eventually contact me, and he did initiate plans with me for another date. Phew! Freak-out for nothing! So, I’m going to take our next date as an opportunity to show him that I’m into him and willing to meet him halfway when it comes to this whole relationship thing. I don’t want him to get the impression that I expect him to do all the work. 1
menyou Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Oh! Yes! Sorry, I forgot to update. Yes, he did eventually contact me, and he did initiate plans with me for another date. Phew! Freak-out for nothing! So, I’m going to take our next date as an opportunity to show him that I’m into him and willing to meet him halfway when it comes to this whole relationship thing. I don’t want him to get the impression that I expect him to do all the work. Awesome! Keep updating!
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