Mrs. John Adams Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Shattered lady....I have just read all of the threads you have started so I would know more about your story... You and your husband are in your 40's...you have been married 25 years. You are both from Europe. You were a successful businesswoman. Your husband became dissatisfied with his job and with your encouragement...you moved to the United States. You became a housewife.Two years after moving to the USA...your husband had an emotional and physical affair with a woman he worked with. You forgave him...but many things were left unresolved....this has haunted you all these years. You now have 2 children 5 and third grade. Then you suffered a fall which broke your back...and it was discovered that you have degenerative spine disease and your back is crumbling. You have shrunk three inches. Your husband is very critical and judgmental of physical appearance. You are very insecure about what you have physically become. Your husband suffers from depression...and has been medicated for this illness. Last year your gall bladder burst and you almost died. You then discovered that your husband has rekindled his affair with his old mistress...but she lives several states away so it is strictly Emotional. In addition he sends her gifts and cards and e mails and phone calls. You belong to a health and pain management forum where you discuss your health issues. Your husband joined that site and posted a thread about being saddled with a crippled and sick wife. All his dreams have died....he is miserable. It took you three days to come across his post. You have recently been diagnosed with female cancer and need to have a hysterectomy. In addition to all this...your only sibling committed suicide. I realize this is an abbreviated synopsis...but do I have the facts correct? If I do not please correct me. One thing I think is important here is that I know you need your husbands help to care for your children during your upcoming surgery and recovery because you have no other family here. I also know that you are overwhelmed....and frightened...for so many reasons...and rightfully so. Your world is falling apart...and you cant stop it....and the one person you should be able to depend on...is the one person who has proven...he does not care about you...he cares about himself. He has had an affair twice with the same woman...and he confessed on a forum so you would read it that he no longer cared about you and he wanted his dream....and you are not part of it. My question for you is this.....How can you depend on this man? I truly think you need to pack up your children and go back to your parents...I think you need to depend on them and allow them to heal you in so many ways. You are emotionally spent....you need someone to depend on that you know you can count on. Your relationship with your parents is good...and as a mom I am telling you...I would be so upset with my child if she did not tell me what is going on in her life. As a mom...it is my job to protect her....no matter how old she is. If she needs me...I want her to know I am the one person she can always depend on. Please think about this...you have children...you know what i am saying is true. I know you love your husband....but i fear that the damage he has done is beyond repair. I am a woman of hope....but I also know that if I were walking in your shoes....I would leave. He wants his dream....let him have it.....because as long as he stays in your life....you will both be miserable. He will never be able to heal you from the wounds he has caused mentally....and you are too ill physically to try to deal with him. Your husband is a very selfish man....in so many ways.....and in my opinion...I think he is very cruel. Reading the things he has done and said....especially knowing you are sick...shows the kind of man he is in his soul. I wish I could say I think there is hope for this relationship...but i cannot be less than honest... I have a great deal of hope for YOU....I think you are a fabulous woman, a fantastic mom, and a great daughter...and i know you are strong...so very strong. I think you can win....no...I KNOW you can!
waterwoman Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 "I truly think you need to pack up your children and go back to your parents...I think you need to depend on them and allow them to heal you in so many ways." Yep! What MrsJA said. Times 1000. Ditch the selfish **** and find people you can rely on who love you unconditionally. IF (it's a big if) he truly is sorry and wants to fix his mess let him do the running - let him make some compromises and come to YOU.
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 "I truly think you need to pack up your children and go back to your parents...I think you need to depend on them and allow them to heal you in so many ways." Yep! What MrsJA said. Times 1000. Ditch the selfish **** and find people you can rely on who love you unconditionally. IF (it's a big if) he truly is sorry and wants to fix his mess let him do the running - let him make some compromises and come to YOU. Amen I know this will be so difficult...but this man needs to prove to this woman he thinks she is worth whatever it takes. He needs to grovel in the mud and realize what he has done. I don't know that he could ever make it up to her. cheating twice and blaming her for being ill....my God....she did not choose any of this.
Author ShatteredLady Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 Underpants. No, I'm Sagittarius
eye of the storm Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 ShatteredLady, I have nothing to say but I am sending you positive energy and cyber (((((HUGS))))). I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. I tell my guys all the time, just do all you can. Nobody can expect anymore from you. Let the rest go. Take care to tend yourself.
Author ShatteredLady Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 Synopsis - "You and your husband are in your 40's...you have been married 25 years. You are both from Europe. You were a successful businesswoman. Your husband became dissatisfied with his job and with your encouragement...you moved to the United States. You became a housewife.Two years after moving to the USA...your husband had an emotional and physical affair (?? Says never sex) with a woman he worked with. You forgave him...but many things were left unresolved....this has haunted you all these years. You now have 2 children 5 and third grade. (So many HUGE tragic things happened after the A I actually completely got over it. It very rarely crossed my mind. What Loyal says about H being an ALIEN is more correct. Only WHILE he is betraying his morals does he turn into this abusive 'thing'. The rest of the time he is a kind gentle man. No-one we know would believe him capable of the things he's done & said. I've honestly feared for his mental state. I've learnt the phrase "Affair Fog" but it's sooo much more extreme than that! There was extensive 'Rug Sweeping'. Basically first time there was D-Day, torture, abuse, then "It's all over. We're wonderful. It never happened") Then you suffered a fall which broke your back...and it was discovered that you have degenerative spine disease and your back is crumbling. You have shrunk three inches. "Your husband is very critical and judgmental of physical appearance. You are very insecure about what you have physically become." (Terrible things were said during "fog". He's now saying lovely things. I'm over this!! That was part of my initial 'loosing my mind, hate myself, stuff'. I can now look in the mirror & honestly say, all things considered, I'm more than 'ok' for a woman my age with 2 kids! I'm past that self loathing stage "Your husband suffers from depression...and has been medicated for this illness." (He has always suffered from self-depricating depression. Only during A's & very rare occasions is it directed AT me. Leading up to both A's & during are the ONLY times he's been medicated in 25 years. I fear he's more Bi-Polar or something & regular antidepressants 'fry his brain'. I honestly believe this is more than just an excuse by me) "Last year your gall bladder burst and you almost died. You then discovered that your husband has rekindled his affair with his old mistress...but she lives several states away so it is strictly Emotional. In addition he sends her gifts and cards and e mails and phone calls." (Gallbladder died & made my body septic. Horrific time! Life changing. My Dad also had terrible health issues. Ugh! So much was going on. Personal tragedies, H lost job, started new stressful job (with people who had worked at company with H & OW in past) she contacted H less that 4 months after surgery & it took 3 mails for him to get her to open a 'secret account'. I could FEEL the complete change in him. Mr Alien was back (not as bad as first A that was abuse) No phone calls. Lots of gifts, daily emails "You're the first thing I think of when I wake. Last thing I think as I fall asleep". Lots of lies.) "You belong to a health and pain management forum where you discuss your health issues. Your husband joined that site and posted a thread about being saddled with a crippled and sick wife. All his dreams have died....he is miserable. It took you three days to come across his post." (This was my blind side. New Years Day. Before I read this it never occured to me that we wouldn't grow old & die together. He was my FAMILY. This was a passive aggressive way of 'getting at' me. NOT & genuine post! Yes! H is incredibly conflict avoiding. I thought this was the 'real' problem....Me being a burden. I didn't know it was Mr Alien for a long time. My parents were staying. Kids off school. I was going days without sleeping or eating whilst pretending everything was Hunky Dory. NIGHTMARE!) You have recently been diagnosed with female cancer and need to have a hysterectomy. In addition to all this...your only sibling committed suicide. I realize this is an abbreviated synopsis...but do I have the facts correct? If I do not please correct me." We've done lots of talking. I've screamed & shouted for the first time ever! I believe COMPLETELY that all contact has stopped. Mr Alien has vanished. H says it was a fantasy. Doesn't recognize himself. Remembers saying & doing things but it was like another person was doing it. He's even said "OMG! & cried when I've reminded of things. We've grown-up together. We've been closer than close. We were married 10 years before having our first child. For some years we've been together 24/7. Travelled. Sat up all night talking about everything & nothing. We KNOW eachother. I never knew Mr Alien existed, I don't think my H did either. He's trying, really trying. The problem is I've lost me. I'm overwhelmed. I see him on his phone or computer & my blood still runs cold even though I KNOW he's not talking to her. I got paranoid & thought he wasn't talking to me a couple of weekends ago. We went a whole day without exchanging a word!! I fell into a deep dark hole & 'hid' playing with my daughter. One look, one perceived rejection, being quiet & my mind short circuits. It's like PTSD. I know that sounds dramatic! I don't know! I don't know! I don't know anything. I'm not this person (I read that a lot here for a lot of different circumstances) I've battled pain so long. Since my surgery last year Sooooooo much has happened. I'm fighting to keep my head above water, I'm drowning, I'm surfacing, I'm drowning again. At my most fragile, my most needy, my most desperate for love, security & safety everything was ripped away from me. My H was my partner, my best friend, my husband, my FOREVER FAMILY. learning that he is a man, just a man who can walk away anytime, any day. I'm so vulnerable & WORST of all my CHILDREN are vulnerable. If Mr Alien goes looking for "Love, Romance & Adventure" I can't support myself or my babies in America. I've made HUGE life altering choices for my H, for my FAMILY. I was so happy with my dream, fantasy little family. Only now do I realize that I've created a life that's completely & utterly dependent. I hate myself for this. Everything, EVERYTHING is beyond my control. My health, my life, my future, my past. I don't know! Thank you all for trying to help me out of this darkness. The kindness of strangers is overwhelming.
underpants Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Underpants. No, I'm Sagittarius Well, good. You were sounding like one. I'm in my 40s as well. The fire signs are natural fighters. Love them. Just be careful that you are in the right battle. As it seems you have taken a lot of hits. What hill exactly do you want to die on? My sign is known to want to build time machines. I wish I could build one for you, me and others, to change things. The thing is we would need our experiences and knowledge to also go so that we did not repeat perceived mistakes or know to enact such changes. As much as some of those experiences hurt, they further our humanity (good or bad) and we learn from them. Thus learned from 'Hot Tub Time Machine'. I do like someone's, on here, opinion on that topic. 'Every day that you wake up is a time machine'. You can decide to do something differently, make a change and commit to the change with every day that is slipping by. Have you considered that a risk of surgery is that you could die or go under and your husband would be your care decider / beneficiary. That is a real consideration. Would he care for you after surgery when you are vulnerable? If you haven't, please get a second (or third) opinion on the Cancer/hysterectomy diagnosis. Just be sure and don't trust the first doctor. Get confirmation. Can you have it in the UK with family you can trust? Reading your posts, I get the sense that it will play out in 3 scenarios... an 'open marriage/look the other way' or 'he finally left me', or 'I died and he moved on' directions. Or the scenario where you wake up to and make a choice for yourself. Good luck Shattered.
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Shattered....and indeed you are....I so want to put your pieces back together for you...oh I wish I could say the magic words and everything would be ok. But we both know That I cannot do that. I have a friend on another forum who was married thirty years and her husband had an affair....for three years she has put her life on hold....not reconciling...not divorcing...just living in limbo....and the whole time she keeps saying...I just want my life back the way it was. And THAT is the bottom line. All of us affected by infidelity...want that very thing...even us bad guys that caused the destruction to begin with. Your life as you knew it...your little beautiful family....will never be the same....not just because of your husbands betrayals...but because of your body's betrayal as well. The one thing we hope we can count on is that our bodies won't fail us. But...they all do...eventually. Yours has come sooner than it should have and i will be the first to say it is not fair....God it just is not fair that you have to suffer this way! You want to hold on to this man....and nothing i can say or do will change your mind if that is really what you want. If you trust him...if you think he will be there for you...then that is your call. You are drowning because you are afraid...and anyone walking in your shoes would be afraid.....afraid for your life, afraid of pain, afraid he will abandon you, afraid to leave your children motherless.......so many fears must be on your mind. In addition to the medical help you need... I think you also need some help from a counselor, psychologist, some one that could help you obtain peace. I know you said you are not involved in a church...but maybe you need to talk to a priest or rabbi, or minister......SOMEONE that can soothe your soul. I am glad to hear you believe your husband is trying...and i sure hope he is. Is there a possibility that he might come here and read some of the things you have written? I think he needs to know your fears...and maybe reading them is a way to reach him. You know you have touched my heart....you know i am here to listen.....I wish I could do more. I am praying for you...for healing and for peace.
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