Putting in right...

[ShatteredLady]

So....You feel the distance growing & wonder why. Mr WS turns into the creature from the black lagoon. Everything you say & everything you do is wrong & you don't understand why. Thy tell you that every single insecurity is REAL & you're just too horrible to live with.

 

Then D-Day happens. You're suspicious. You snoop. You read a lot of things you wish you'd never seen. You find the receipts. Suddenly everything makes sense. You've been kicked into the gutter so he can handle his guilt & put her on a pedestal. There's crying, screaming, talking.

 

Reality is dealt with. He loves you more than he could ever love anyone. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you. His family is everything. He was living a fantasy. It wasn't real. He was in a fog. Worst mistake ever blah blah blah. Lots on bonding & talking. Full on R.

 

Now you get to the real stuff. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? How did the cracks develop that made it possible for the EA to start?

 

We read lots of books, articles, forums. Lots of really vital information & advise.

 

So... What do people do? They fill the cracks? They work on changing the fundamental issues that led to the weakness.... That's great it makes lots of sense. It is totally logical. If communication, sex, social life, date night etc is the big issue you work on it. Things get sorted & everything is ok. The promise of "The marriage can be even stronger, even better....". I get-it. I truly do.

 

So.... Here's my problem. I have a degenerative spine. That means my spine is collapsing. I've shrunk over 3" in the last couple of years. As the discs in my spine collapse they press into the nerves cause excruciating pain. Medically I know EVERYTHING about this issue. It can't be fixed for me. That kind of advise isn't going to help.

We live thousands of miles away from friends & family. We don't have a support system. We have 2 young children. My H works long hours. I've pushed through. I MUST get out of bed every morning & do kid stuff.

 

Last summer I was pushing through the pain but I was getting very frightened. Things were bad but I didn't want to stress my H. I'm a people pleaser. Long story short I nearly died. My gallbladder had died & was sending my body septic. When I came home from the hospital my H cooked for the first time in 25 years! My Mum stayed (from Europe) for a couple of weeks to take care of house & kids.

 

Lots of talking. Lots of stress. H lost job. Major stress. Started EA with old (12 years) mistress after she contacted him.

 

Basically our 'prior issues' are my health. How do I control, work-on, change something so beyond my control? During the EA I passed a kidney stone (theory. Paralyzing pain) H wrote to family, friends, OW, that he's just sick of being surrounded by pain. He wants to be "selfish" & pursue "Love, Romance & Adventure". Whatever.

 

Fully into R (I believe this to be completely sincere) H says he doesn't even recognize the man that said these things. I get the 'affair fog' but partners choose things to say (can't deal with health) because there's an element of truth. It's what they're thinking, the excuse they're making for breaking their moral code & having an affair. I know he said a lot of crap but this is the one that sticks....

 

Now I find I have cancer cells & need extensive surgery! While I'm fighting with insurance & finding surgeons that meet their criteria in hospitals that are in-network I'm struck with the kidney stone?...Debilitating pain. It's taking more strength than I thought I had to move. How do I not recognize that I can't "change" or "Work-on the problems in my marriage" because I am the problem in my marriage".....

[Mrs. John Adams]

oh sweetheart....bless your heart....first i am sending you hugs.....know that you are so important...and that your family loves you...

 

you are not the problem in your marriage

 

We cannot predict how our health will be...and stuff happens. If your husband...is not being supportive, if he is blaming you...is is his fault and his problem.

 

I don't have all the answers....god knows i have made my share of mistakes....but i hate to hear you so down. Please don't give up and don't give in to this overwhelming guilt you are placing on yourself.

 

You are so worthwhile....please know that.

[Popsicle]

I think that you should talk to your H about these feelings you have. If he truly wants to R and be there for you, he will do everything in his power to help you with this.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I am so very sorry to read of what is happening to you. My heart truly goes out to you and I wish I could do more than write these words to you.

 

But, please know that you're not the problem in your marriage.

 

Please don't put that, in addition to all you're suffering, on yourself.

 

What is happening to you is the problem and that's beyond your control just as it's beyond your husband's control.

 

I've been through a horrible and painful physical illness that Drs. had no answer for so I can tell you that I know what it's like to face pain that seems as if it will never end. I believed a miracle from God was my only answer and I prayed to Him for help and did get a miracle eventually, but it wasn't in my timing and I really suffered as I waited.

 

I suppose you've looked into all kinds of alternative forms of pain relief?

[m.snow]

((((ShatteredLady))))

 

keep strong!

talk about these feelings with your husband he will understand. don't hide these feelings out of fear.

 

----

regarding your health

based on my families experience regarding the cancer. follow the doctors advice regarding surgery best way to get rid of it. don't hold back on surgery.

[Dutchman1]

Dear ShatteredLady,

 

I'm really very sorry this is happening to you after all the other worries.

The " fog" does wierd things to a brain, could the health issue been the first believable thing to be said to the AP ?

 

Mrs Dutchman and myself are both survives of cancer. Modern medecine and good doctors can almost make miricals happen.

 

Why don't you talk to your H, you both be better off fighting this beast together.

 

(When my voice went I sounded like a bear, so my youngest granddaughter asked if I still had this beast in my throat. )

 

My thoughts and prayers go to you.

 

Please hang in, you also gonna find a lot of support here.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[BetrayedH]

You're blameshifting your husband's affair onto yourself. It happens.

 

Knock it off.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You are dealing with so many things at once...I think you have just become overwhelmed.

 

My first thought is that you need to be concentrating on you...getting YOU well...getting your pain controlled. I may be wrong...but i am thinking...how can you possibly concentrate on repairing a broken marriage when you have so many other issues. I honestly don't think you can. I think you need all the positive energy you can muster to HEAL.

 

I guess what that means is maybe you put your marriage on the back burner....you stop worrying about a cheating husband....

 

This could also be a very good test for him.....without coaxing from you...put his feet to the fire and let's see what he is made of....let's see if he is capable of putting your needs before his own. Let's see if he capable of providing you with the things you need physically and emotionally without you giving instructions.

 

I think you should become "selfish".....

 

My heart is breaking for you...pain is a horrible thing...emotional and physical...so devastating....and just makes you tired....please don't get so tired that you give up the fight.

 

Surround yourself with those things that make you feel positive and hopeful.....

[Winterina]

What kind of cancer it is? I am asking because when I heard years ago that almost 50% of the people will at some point in their life be diagnosed with cancer, I figured that sooner or later it is going to happen to me or someone in my family.

So I started gathering anything and everything that I read in the news that worked for someone who had cancer.

All alternative therapy, all the treatments that you cannot get in the normal hospital.

Usually they are taken alongside the standard therapy.

Sometime, people were let go home to die and took the matters into their own hands and recovered.

 

So I can send you some of the info I have gathered.

 

Hope he will be there for you through all this.

[TrustedthenBusted]

So sorry to hear this, and I have to say that your post resonated with me. While my wife is the picture of health, she does have some emotional issues, anxiety, depression etc. I know nothing of these things, and was never very understanding of them. I just saw a beautiful, successful, popular woman. She used my seeming indifference to justify her affair.

 

We worked on it, and I learned to sit and listen and understand that even though I don't see or feel her problem...she does. Ok fine.. we're over that.

 

Now she's been diagnosed with a thyroid disease that also comes with symptoms that I can't see or feel. She has pain here, or there... discomfort that always seems to come on at really inconvenient times etc, and coupled with her anxiety and depression, her symptoms are constantly being worried about, talked about, reflected upon, etc. She is constantly reading articles that freak her out even more, and it's basically the only thing she ever wants to talk about.

 

While I have never been a very good nurse, I am trying. I listen for as long as I can. I go to her appointments with her. I encourage her to do all her workouts and follow her diet, and I've gone gluten free with her even though I apparently love gluten! ( whatever it is, it is awesome because food is horrible without it )

 

Anyway, call it selfish...but I get tired of it. I'm not sick. In fact, I feel great almost all the time. I don't have any anxiety. I don't suffer from depression. I don't have any irrational fears that I'm aware of, and generally speaking.... I'm good to go.

 

This is a very hard dynamic for us at times, and it sounds the same for you, and I'm sorry you are getting the shlt end of the stick here. I really am.

 

That's all. I'm just saying that I empathize with you. Your husband's choice of coping mechanism is the worst one possible, but I sort of get where he's coming from.

 

When we say " In sickness and in health" I think we all really only expect health. it can be really hard.

[Dancewithme]

Dear Shattered Lady,

I have read your various posts throughout this forum. I am so sorry for all that you have experienced. I myself suffer from disc disease, I understand how pain can overtake you and consume your being. As wives and Moms, people unrealistically expect us to push through and continue to be caretakers. As I semi- joke at my house, " everyone can get sick but Mom".

 

I am glad your husband stepped up and cooked, but more is needed for you. Sometimes men cannot imagine their once strong and capable women as debilitated, in pain, and in need. Sometimes they cannot face that reality, and show fear as resentment, disrespect, inappropriate relationships, and other inappropriate coping. They may sail on as if you are still perfectly fine, and everything is ok, putting their heads in the sand, and even lashing out. But we're the ones in need! We can't be strong all the time.

 

I cannot recall from your previous postings if your husband has had IC, but I would recommend it. So he can realistically and appropriately deal with his issues as it relates to what you're going through, and learn to be more of what you need.

 

My heart feels for you. I don't know if you are a praying person, but I hope you don't mind if I pray for you, and ask others in my circle to as well. I wish I could do more...

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry. I'm a mess at the moment. It feels like I've been through so much in the last year. To be honest I was numb, just void when the 'bad cells' were found. Then the nightmare of dealing with insurance & finding new doctors. I was sleepwalking through it all. Then this crippling left side spasms hit again at the weekend. It's just all too much.

 

My daughter just started kindergarten. I feel like I've been sleep deprived & forcing 'perky' for so long. Now all I want to do is sleep. It's like my mind & body have just had enough.

 

Mrs Adams. Thank you for writing this, "pain is a horrible thing...emotional and physical...so devastating....and just makes you tired....please don't get so tired that you give up the fight." that's exactly how I feel.

 

I'm sleeping or crying. I've spent the last couple of years supporting people with chronic pain. I'm just beyond supporting myself at the moment. They say 'Its darkest before the dawn...'.

 

I know... This too shall pass. Or 'What will be will be'. Ugh! Even cliches aren't helping much. I would give almost anything for just one day of 'normal'. I thought I'd run out of tears...

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am wondering...who is your support system? A 5 year old baby takes lots to of energy mom...and if you are so drained you can't give her what she needs either. One thing about 5 year olds...they still need momma and cuddles.

I hope you can take cuddle time and watch a movie so you can rest. Do you have someone that can also have a day out with your baby so you can have a day to rest. Are you able to rest while the baby is at school?

 

I know I am repeating myself....here's the word...rest.

 

You need rest for healing and coping.

 

Now let's talk about those tears....I am a cryer....and while crying can be exhausting...they can also be so very cleansing.

 

If anyone has a right to tears...it is you. Pity parties are allowed...give yourself permission to cry.

 

You will notice that I am avoiding the husband issue...because I think right now your health and your mentality is much more important. You cannot deal with his infidelity until you are stronger.

 

I am praying..that he will step up...I am hoping he will give you want you need...and if he does...you will have some answers to very hard questions.

 

I almost want you to ignore him. I want you to act indifferent. I want you to take back the power.

 

Does this make sense? If you take back the control....it will begin to be present in all areas of your life.

[LivingWaterPlease]

(((((((ShatteredLady))))))). I am so touched and saddened by what you're going through and am praying for you.

 

I really like Mrs. John Adam's post to you right above this one. I was also going to write that whatever happens you must get your rest.

 

Get rest, drink plenty of water. Walk a little outside (for Vit D3) in the sunshine for exercise if you're able.

Edited September 21, 2015 by LivingWaterPlease

[nightmare01]

No marriage is ever all songs and roses. We sign up for both the good and bad when we day "I do". That was the "for better or worse" part.

 

IMO successful marriage is about sacrifice. Not sacrifice with resentment, but sacrifice that is necessitated - that comes from - love.

 

Sure a supporting spouse can get down, tired, bored, and discouraged. But we signed up knowing that hard times inevitably come - and that our bond, our love, and our determination to do the right and moral thing because of that agreement that came from love will be tested.

 

Your health issues are not the problem. Your husband's lack of ability to deal with his selfishness is the problem.

 

This is the time when your husband should be stepping up. He needs to double or triple his efforts to keep you comfortable and at peace. He needs to understand that his affair has added to your anguish - it is making your distress all the worse. He needs to address that.

[Mr1oyalty]

ShatteredLady........ I agree with what Nightmare stated. Your health issues are not the problem at all! You are carrying a heavy burden and he basically said here carry this too. So at the least he should now be trying to relieve you of the extra burden he himself gave you. You have done your part so that's done, you are the priority right now and there is no one else you need to worry about. As Mrs Adams said you need to become selfish in a sense, sometimes life would have it so we have to for the sake of others even, prioritize our self first. This is one of those times where being "selfish" is needed so you can later go on and be that selfless person you are.

[waterwoman]

Oh my lovely...so sorry to read this. There is never an excuse for infidelity and by the sound of it your H should have been too busy caring for you to even consider it. I suffer from chronic back pain and depression so I do know how it can be to suffer from constant pain..... but compared to your issues it's nothing x

 

Marriage is about sharing and supporting. It isn't for the faint of heart. Is he really up to doing it properly? Do you trust him not to let you down again?

 

He was a selfish stupid man and he had been granted a huge favour by you. I hope he is worthy of you from now on.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you all so much. Could anyone offer me any ideas?

 

I don't have a support system. My Mum would fly over from England to help post surgery if I needed her to. She's in her 70's & already has a lot to deal with. I haven't told my parents yet about anything. (obviously they know about my spine & 'septic' stuff) She doesn't drive in the USA.

 

My kids live too close to the school to bus but too far to walk. My latest 'insanity' is how I'm going to cope with this very practical thing.

It's going to include a complete hysterectomy. I'm a fighter but I know I won't be allowed to drive for X? amount of time.

I've looked at Care.com (or whatever it's called) & 'proffesional' help is too expensive. I've found a local (university) student with great references. She could be a 'mothers helper' but I'm still not sure if she can do the school drives yet. Ugh!

 

'Fortunately' my lovely kids are used to my spine issues. We have our own little ways of doing things. We do homework & lots of games/crafts with me laying down. I know that for the first few days after my last surgery I could hardly walk but enough to get snacks etc. just couldn't lift anything more than 5lbs.

 

Has anyone has a hysterectomy? I need 'honest' advise on what I will & won't be able to do. Surgeons in my experience are over optimistic to help patients. Could I 'cope' on my own if I can find someone to drive?

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation & found any groups, services that can help? My H can help get the kids ready in the morning & drive them. Both are at school now. Would I be better arranging surgeries at the start of school holidays & have the kids home or finding after school care?

 

I know this isn't the sort of question that's common to this forum. I'm just trying to deal with the practical things but keeping in mind I have all the other nightmares running side by side with this. I don't want to over stress my H. He doesn't get payed leave or vacation because he's a contractor. We have some money by the medical bills alone are going to be substantial. He's lived with my bloody health for a long time now. He's never been my care giver but there are sacrifices (social life etc). I don't want to loose my M & break my family over this.

 

I'm used to pushing through a lot but post surgery can be difficult because I don't want 'failure to heal' because I'm doing too much that I'm not supposed to do. That just makes things worse in the long run. Ugh!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you so much for your answers...we have a much clearer picture!

 

Let me ask you this....do you belong to a church?

 

does your husbands family live close enough to help?

 

Do you work outside of the home...do you have any neighbors that you would call friends?

 

Does your children have any close friends that live nearby that perhaps their moms could help you?

 

I am just trying to hone in on possibilities for you.

 

I believe recovery time for a total hysterectomy is 6 weeks...but you really need to discuss this with your doctor. Ask him all the details.

[Spectre]

I'm very torn on this as a chronic pain sufferer myself. On one hand I know how rough it can be, on the other hand I also know how rough it can be on those around you. You get into a weird spiral where sometimes you try to maybe not let on how much you are hurting to those around you. What you fail to realize is those around you are probably doing the same thing with whatever is bothering them.

 

Can I blame someone like your H for being selfish in this situation? Yes and no. I can't blame a person for a bit of selfishness in a time like this, but I can blame them for how they express that. An affair is the last thing that should of happened. Of course I would of kicked him to the curb, but you have kids and seem to of decided to try to reconcile so I figured I'd try to see this from all sides.

 

Sometimes dealing with this kind of physical pain can be hard enough, then throwing in having to care for two young children and deal with being cheated on..those other things will be sapping you of what little strength you might of had. I would say yes probably better to try to arrange surgeries during times you won't have to worry much about getting the kids to school, homework, etc.

[ShatteredLady]

Both of our families are in England. My H's family have never visited & I can't see his sisters coming to help. (I get on well with them)

My parents are in their 70's & have been through a lot. My only sibling took his own life & they're fragile.

My best friend from home has had a terrible year full of funerals. His father is at the end with cancer. It's in his spine & he's had MANY surgeries. He doesn't drive either!

 

I don't belong to a church. I had friends from Mom's Club but most of them have drifted away. Chronic pain makes you a very unreliable friend. Ugh!

 

My friends in America work or have little kids at a different school.

 

I know a lady who has collected my son in emergencies. My daughter has just started kindergarten so it's both kids now. There's a big difference between 'once in a blue moon' & everyday.

 

I know my neighbors. Invited to parties, BBQ's, I've made gifts etc. for them. Is asking for this kind of help unacceptable? If someone asked me I would help but it seems to be a very different culture here. I don't mean any disrespect. People say nice things but they don't seem to go out of their way for others. I don't know?!?!

 

I sound like a flake. It's just I've been through so much in such a short period of time. My brain feels like its shut-down. Since D-Day I've felt like I'm having a 24/7 panic attack. It would be so hard to admit in 'real life' that I'm not coping as well as I should. It's like I have the energy to deal with only so much. I think I'm doing great with my kids, ok with my H, ok with the house, failing on the physical & mental side of things. I'm finding it hard to think straight. I'm creating endless lists. Ugh!

 

Thank you for talking this through with me. The comfort of strangers is an incredible thing.

 

I'm terrible at asking for help. I know this is a huge flaw. I'm a care taker NOT someone who needs care. I'm trying. I really am.

[Mrs. John Adams]

There is a difference in asking a neighbor for help and imposing on them. Put your self in their place....and them in yours. How would you react?

 

6 weeks in not a long time to help a neighbor with her kids...especially if you can. Is there someone you can PAY to perhaps take your kids to and from school? Maybe ask the teacher if she knows of someone.

 

You of course will have to depend on your husband...for many things during your recovery...

 

I do think you need to discuss your health issues and taking care of your children with your husband....and if you have the energy and a time opens to discuss the infidelity go for it....but i really think you have so much on your plate right now...you just need to concentrate on your health issues.

 

The holidays are just around the corner when the kids will be off school...and they can be a big help to you as you recover...but i worry about postponing anything that has to do with cancer....so this is another thing you really need to discus with your doctor.

[ShatteredLady]

Specter.

 

Quote - "Can I blame someone like your H for being selfish in this situation?"

 

I do understand, I really do. The problem is from New Years Day until July/Aug my H denied that there was an OW. He blamed everything on my health & me not making him feel 'special'. He said & did some incredibly cruel things.

 

I discovered the A when I found a receipt for both of our mothers day flowers. Hers had the note "To the BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD" & LOVE. He convinced me she was just a friend & I was CRAZY for thinking other wise.

 

He said that I was a burden stopping him from living a life full of "Love, Romance & Adventure". I was stuck in that mind set for so long. It was all my fault. Even though I now know the 'Affair Fog' was speaking a lot of the words I still can't really get over the thought that if I was better, if I'd tried harder none of this would have happened. If I could only pretend I'm not sick, not in pain...but that's impossible

[underpants]

Shattered,

 

There are some side effects to having a hysterectomy. Including hormone loss (libido loss), hair loss, hair gain...etc. I would talk to your doc about it as well as hormone replacement therapy and how long you can safely take that as well as how that may interact with whatever else you are taking.

 

Have you considered, since you (like so many others) I see post every life milestone under the umbrella of 'infidelity/reconciled, but not really because everything that happens still reminds me of it' area.

 

Have you thought that perhaps if you could remove yourself from this relationship that your heath problems might improve?

 

There are probably a million reasons why you can't, but you only need one to see if the theory holds, and that one reason is you.

 

Seems like you could hire a driver/nursing student to take you to medical appointments. A nursing student would probably get class credit for helping.

Call a college, tech school or university near you and inquire.

 

Last question and purely for my personal log. Are you a Virgo?

[Mr1oyalty]

Seems you have already got some great advise.

 

I don't want to over stress my H.

 

 

I don't want to loose my M & break my family over this.

 

To me these statements are indicative of where I think your are carrying more then you need to unnecessarily.

 

Its hard to advise much because there is so much we don't know including your husbands state of mind currently. I do think he would at least be able to work some of this out. It seems as if you are a little too concerned with not stressing HIM? So you are trying to carry the world on you shoulders while sick. I understand you are trying to save your M but without your health, without YOU there is no M anyway. You have to see that right now YOU are the most important element to your M, not his stress. If you need him then you need him. Talk to him and let him know what you need and he may be willing to help. Its sucks for you both to have to deal with this and its noble of you to try to carry as much of it yourself as you can. However no matter the difficulty he signed up to be a husband and the reality is he will have to deal with your burdens when you are in need. I can feel for him but I think you are being so awesome you are trying to relieve him of his duty as a husband because he said it was a hindrance to his adventure and romantic life. I think you have to still give him his load to bare because you are in need. He may be more then willing to handle a lot of this.

 

Remember you said to me that your husband and yourself found the man who said all those outrageous things to be an alien, someone neither of you could recognize? Also both times he was on some medication. Well if he has come to his senses he will relish the opportunity to be there for you now. I believe if he really did see how crazy he was acting before he will gladly take on what ever stress in order to help you, seeing as you clearly are willing to do that for him. So give him that stress, and give him whatever burden you can to lighten it up for yourself, let him know what you need as that is his job as a husband. You can not free him of his duties because when he apparently was out of his mind he thought doing his part as a husband was a hindrance to his lifestyle. Give him a chance at least if he claims to have seen the light. I personally hope he will handle much of this for you.

 

Lastly for your own mental well being you have to stop giving credence to the insane statements he made before. That is not even normal blame shifting but those statements sound like someone who flew off the rocker. When you give credence to those statements its like a Doctor in a hospital for the mentally ill taking suggestions on treatment from the patients. You have to look at it like there was something not right upstairs when he said that stuff, it is not for you to consider such talk or even try to understand it. It is a waste of your mental energy. If he is claiming to be back to reality then by all means give that man his load. If he does not carry it there is no M to save. You cant call a timeout when life gets rough unfortunately.

 

You are a fighter but you will need help sometimes. Its not always a one on one. I feel your husband can and will help you, and you need not feel ashamed or guilty for asking someone to do what they signed up for. If you feel reluctant to ask him because you feel it will cause trouble in the M tell him but I just feel you are over working your mind and stress is the last thing you need on your immune system in this position. Remember though your not just a fighter but a winner .