kkat Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 I just finished two weeks of 100% NC with my ex-MM, which was a very long time for me. (Even though I quit seeing him in September I still spoke to him on the phone several times a day and he still dropped off gifts for me at my apartment building several times a week). I had asked him to please stop contacting me, at least for a while, and the two weeks stretch was so great for me. Even though I broke down and spoke to him once over this past weekend, it didn't upset me, and in fact, I felt even more sure about my decision to end the relationship with him, less obsessed with him and my fantasy of him and in general, more hopeful (dare I say confident?) of moving on, for good, than I have felt in two years. (Yippee!). Now that I'm closer to some emotional freedom (I'm still upset but nowhere at the level I was before) I see a theme in the postings of OW that echoes the way I viewed my relationship for months. It seems that many OW (not all of course) get very caught up in the minutia, the drama, and the details, without really absorbing the big-picture, in-your-face reality of the fact that we are giving our hearts, lives, and souls to men who ARE MARRIED to someone else. Does anyone out there connect with what I'm saying? For myself, I have never dated a guy who wore ugly shoes, didn't have a good job and a great work ethic, had bad table manners...the list is endless. I have always been too selective, too picky, and focused on all those details. But yet, I was willing to give my heart to a man who, on a daily basis, through his actions and choices, put me after another woman, his family, society's viewpoints, etc. I wouldn't date a single guy who was seeing another woman, especially if sex was involved, but yet, I dated a man who slept in the same bed with another woman every night! I see so many other OW getting caught up in the details.... "We have so much fun together". "He tells me he never felt this connection with his Wife." "They only stay together for the kids, (mortgage, dog, parents, business they own together....fill in the blank)." "He is moving his stuff out and leaving home in a week/month/decade." "We love the same things and have such a unique bond." And the drama-- when/if he will leave does the Wife know what is he thinking And we don't really absorb the one detail that matters. He is in another relationship that he chooses to stay in, with someone else that he has a commitment to legally and otherwise. And he's a liar. Makes a guy with ugly shoes look pretty good.
notrust Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 I agree 100% with your post. I was involved for 5 years with my xMM and thought it was the greatest love of my life. After 9 weeks I of NC I have really started to see it for what it was. It took me a while to truly understand that my xMM was not at all what I thought he was. I never doubted him while I was in the relationship, and now I can see that he was only looking out for himself. It has been such a learning experience for me. I regret the relationship more than I will ever be able to express in words. I look back and now I question everything. I thought we were sole-mates and that there was no one on this earth that would love me as much as he did. Now that I am removed from it, it amazes me that I was so content with being down at the bottom of his priority list. He manipulated my entire life and I let him. I gave him all my power. I am taking that back now, thank you very much. I pray now that I will one day be able to forgive myself and that their marriage will survive. I hope that he finds what he needs with his wife and that he never does this to her again. I also pray that I will never again get involved with someone who belongs to someone else. I absolutely hate that I had any part of hurting someone as much as she has been hurt. NC is the only way to remove yourself from situations like these. As long as you remain in a addictive relationship in anyway, you can convince yourself of anything. It honestly did not become clear to me until ALL contact was stopped. I think the drama that was pointed out in the above post, keeps the secret relationship exciting, but the drama is what I miss the least. It adds far too much stress to a person's life. Everyday that I am removed from him it becomes clearer. I never thought I would be able to stay away from him but I have. For all of you involved with MM/MW, it can be done. You can break the spell. You will be so much happier once you do. One day I hope that I will feel strong enough to venture out into the dating world. His shoes can be ugly as long as his heart is available legally and emotionally.
Author kkat Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Amen! Thanks for your post. It's interesting that you mention the addictive nature of your relationship. This was (and remains) a key component and driving force of my relationship with the MM. I read several books on the topic of love addiction and through those tools, found the awareness and acknowledgement of a big part of my problem, and why I was staying in a relationship that made me so deeply unhappy.
Author kkat Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 By the way...congratulations on whatever you did to break a five-year relationship and go through 9 weeks of NC. That's amazing. Good for you and keep it up!
WithOrWithoutYou Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Wow, excellent post. Replace the MM with MW, and the OW with OM, and everything you have said applies to "other men" as well. The things you pointed out, are things we should remember, when we think about those relationships, and what they meant to us.
DesertDweller Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 Thanks for your wise and well-written posts. You've shown there is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope everyone will read them and learn.
MiChick43 Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 Very wise post Kkat. Very well put. IT hit home. My affair with a MM was 15 years ago now. IT was the biggest waste of my time. I always felt like 2nd best. I never asked him to leave his wife/kids. He even told me he loved her, but they didnt get a long. He never mentioned leaving. But the whole experience made me feel empty. When he left, from his visits *he did take me out, movies, dinner and such* I always felt empty inside. It wasnt worth it. Good for you for the NC. You ,as well as the other OW, are intelligent, beautiful and very worthy of happiness. NOTrust, One day I hope that I will feel strong enough to venture out into the dating world. His shoes can be ugly as long as his heart is available legally and emotionally. There are a lot of single, nice men out there. I found a great guy, rather he found me. Sometimes he is a little boring. But he is mine. He comes home to me. YOU will meet someone too. And you are right......the shoes do not matter. His character does.
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