Leaa Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I know I won't be able to get a real answer out of this question i just want some perspectives on my situation. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me because i flipped out while he was away with his friends. We were very serious, looking for a house and he had a date planned to propose to me in just a few months. He broke up with me 2 months ago but we still kept contact, and saw each other about a dozen times. Every time I would mention a relationship he would back off, and remind me that he doesn't want that right now and just needs time and space. The past 2 weeks we were pretty much dating. We saw each other a bunch of times, he brought me on dates, we saw our mutual friends, he kissed me in front of our friends, etc. Things were going SO well and then one day I asked him to hangout and he said "maybe i'll let you know"...he didn't even bother texting me the rest of the day even tho i was sitting at home waiting for him. It pissed me off and I got a little mad, he told me just to give him some space. I left him alone for a day, texted him the next and he said he didn't want to talk or hangout anymore. I kept questioning why over and over so he blocked my number. the next day i went on Facebook and messaged him, saying i was sad and confused. he told me to leave him alone, i asked him just to explain himself and he got mad and said "I have to block you on everything, you're not giving me a choice. sorry". And I haven't heard from him since. Even though it's only been 4 days I have this bad feeling that he's happier without me...So, if this was your situation...would you ever unblock your ex (me)? Maybe I set him over the edge but how can you go from "i love you so much" to cutting someone out of your life 3 days later?
lv123_go Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Maybe he does need some space? I know waiting is killing you. But be patient
Author Leaa Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 I just feel like i'm not waiting for anything, i feel like he's done forever and he means it. and that's it.
katiegrl Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Maybe he does need some space? I know waiting is killing you. But be patient Well she has no choice, because he blocked her on everything. OP, next time a man says he needs space, you pull the hell back and give him space. You don't bombard him with questions ad nauseum asking why... you succeeded in pushing him away further. I guess all you can do now is leave him alone and go on with your life. It sucks, but the ball is in his court. Sorry...but hopefully lesson learned for next time.
edgygirl Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 This reminds me of when Prince William broke up with Kate when they were dating, and instead of sobbing on the corner, feelings miserable and anxious, she went out and had tons of fun (documented by tabloids and all) - well at least apparently to the outside world she did. When a man asks for space, you give it to him, leave him alone and live your life. If he comes back, great. If not, he's not the right one. 4
phineas Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 So, how did you know he had a date set to propose?
Jules Dash Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 It is very, very bothersome to ask for space and not get it. It doesn't matter what sequence of events led up to the request for space, just give it or things will only multiply in its ugliness.
edgygirl Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Yeah that was weird. So, how did you know he had a date set to propose?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 So, how did you know he had a date set to propose? I was wondering the same thing. Also, OP, why did he break up with you? In any case, you need to consider this done. It's not cool that he continued to invite you on dates and bring you around friends if he had no intention of getting back together. He might unblock you but that's not the point. The point is that something wasn't working in the relationship and he apparently wanted out.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Could we also know how old you guys are....? By the way - I hate to tell you this, but - as the dumper, he's done exactly the right thing..... The big mistake was carrying on seeing one another after he broke up with you. Did you guys have sex, after you broke up...?
Lois_Griffin Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 (edited) OP, next time a man says he needs space, you pull the hell back and give him space. You don't bombard him with questions ad nauseum asking why... you succeeded in pushing him away further. I guess all you can do now is leave him alone and go on with your life. It sucks, but the ball is in his court. Sorry...but hopefully lesson learned for next time. When a 'man' (he sounds like a disordered douche bag, actually) says he wants space, that's usually the kiss of death. Sorry, it is. "Space" usually means the beginning of a breakup and/or the freedom to go off and date others while you sit at home, waiting to hear from him. I disagree with the quoted post above and don't think you did anything wrong at all. When you've been seeing someone for 2 years (even though he's acted like a real douche bag for a lot of that time) you still deserve the RESPECT of an answer when he does a sudden about-face and acts like you're suddenly Public Enemy #1. You had every RIGHT to ask him why he was suddenly treating you like the plague. Had he given you the respect of an answer, then you could have given him the respect of the space he apparently so badly needs. It goes BOTH ways. To tell you that you have to meekly sit on the sidelines in silence and hope and pray he 'comes back to you' is ludicrous. To insinuate this was a 'lesson' you had to learn is even MORE ludicrous. The actual lesson here to learn is - never allow a man to DISRESPECT you to the level this jerk has done. The ball is in YOUR court. Don't sit around crying for this jerk. He's not worth it. Edited September 21, 2015 by Lois_Griffin 1
Author Leaa Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 I knew he want ed to propose because he mentioned it to my dad. I am 23 and he's 24.
Author Leaa Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 And yes, we had sex post-"breakup". more than once.. I guess it's because the breakup didn't feel real. We've gotten in arguments in the past and always got through it together.
Diezel Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I wouldn't unblock you, but I wouldn't expect you to take me back if I decide to go back on that. You need to move on.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 .... I am 23 and he's 24. Too young still.... And I am not just saying that.... You'd really be better off waiting a few years, to be honest... And yes, we had sex post-"breakup". more than once.. I would imagine he initiated... You were a booty call. He was relegating you to a FWB status. But you were too clingy, too insistent and he realised he was never going to get any, without the additional aggro of you constantly trying to turn your FWB status BACK into a relationship, which is why he finally dropped the other shoe....
Redhead14 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I know I won't be able to get a real answer out of this question i just want some perspectives on my situation. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me because i flipped out while he was away with his friends. We were very serious, looking for a house and he had a date planned to propose to me in just a few months. He broke up with me 2 months ago but we still kept contact, and saw each other about a dozen times. Every time I would mention a relationship he would back off, and remind me that he doesn't want that right now and just needs time and space. The past 2 weeks we were pretty much dating. We saw each other a bunch of times, he brought me on dates, we saw our mutual friends, he kissed me in front of our friends, etc. Things were going SO well and then one day I asked him to hangout and he said "maybe i'll let you know"...he didn't even bother texting me the rest of the day even tho i was sitting at home waiting for him. It pissed me off and I got a little mad, he told me just to give him some space. I left him alone for a day, texted him the next and he said he didn't want to talk or hangout anymore. I kept questioning why over and over so he blocked my number. the next day i went on Facebook and messaged him, saying i was sad and confused. he told me to leave him alone, i asked him just to explain himself and he got mad and said "I have to block you on everything, you're not giving me a choice. sorry". And I haven't heard from him since. Even though it's only been 4 days I have this bad feeling that he's happier without me...So, if this was your situation...would you ever unblock your ex (me)? Maybe I set him over the edge but how can you go from "i love you so much" to cutting someone out of your life 3 days later? When someone tells me they need space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is and/or when they realize they have another problem. If it takes them more than a week to get back to me, they have some splainin' to do. Beyond a week is not just about needing a little space, it simply becomes disrespectful especially in a long-term relationship. I do understand the need for space sometimes when there is a big stressor or event, but there is a line. The best thing to do when someone says they need space is to let them have it. Don't reach out to them in a day or two, that only resets the clock for them -- Every time I would mention a relationship he would back off. And, if you do reach out to them after a couple of days without hearing from them, you do not mention relationship issues. You reach out in a light and supportive way, ask their advise on something, hope you are well, etc. Hammering them and questioning them is like picking at a sore, it gets inflammed and infected. Your ex was pushed to the point of no return perhaps. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. But, like I said, you just have to let them go. It sucks, but the tighter you hold on to someone, the harder they may struggle against you. If he hadn't blocked you, and you stopped being "clingy and needy" about it all, he may have had the opportunity to see that you were understanding the problem and gradually come back. Leave this alone. Let him reach out to you if he is going to. He may have just gotten to a point of uncertainty about buying a house, proposing and needing a little breathing room to absorb it all. That is common. If you try to pull them in, it doesn't give them that room. In the meantime, begin the process of recovery. Go out with friends, get on with your life. Be strong and independent.
katiegrl Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 (edited) When someone tells me they need space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is and/or when they realize they have another problem. If it takes them more than a week to get back to me, they have some splainin' to do. Beyond a week is not just about needing a little space, it simply becomes disrespectful especially in a long-term relationship. I do understand the need for space sometimes when there is a big stressor or event, but there is a line. The best thing to do when someone says they need space is to let them have it. Don't reach out to them in a day or two, that only resets the clock for them -- Every time I would mention a relationship he would back off. And, if you do reach out to them after a couple of days without hearing from them, you do not mention relationship issues. You reach out in a light and supportive way, ask their advise on something, hope you are well, etc. Hammering them and questioning them is like picking at a sore, it gets inflammed and infected. Your ex was pushed to the point of no return perhaps. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. But, like I said, you just have to let them go. It sucks, but the tighter you hold on to someone, the harder they may struggle against you. If he hadn't blocked you, and you stopped being "clingy and needy" about it all, he may have had the opportunity to see that you were understanding the problem and gradually come back. Leave this alone. Let him reach out to you if he is going to. He may have just gotten to a point of uncertainty about buying a house, proposing and needing a little breathing room to absorb it all. That is common. If you try to pull them in, it doesn't give them that room. In the meantime, begin the process of recovery. Go out with friends, get on with your life. Be strong and independent. Bolded -- this is more in line with what I had posted earlier.... I have experienced it myself with my current boyfriend (now fiancé)... as well as my two previous boyfriends before him (long term relationships). Lois, I agree she should confront (eventually if he stays gone long enough), but often times, a guy really does just need a little space. Hell, I myself need a little space from time to time too! Don't you? A couple of days is no big deal IMO. I don't "meekly" sit on the sides lines, I simply live my life and do my own thing. Maybe I am an anomaly around here, but I really don't think a slight change in texting habits and no contact for one or two days is a huge deal. To confront a guy, demanding an explanation (and in the OP's case ad nauseum) under those circumstances is super needy IMO. And no doubt HE will think so too. Just chill for god's sake and go on with your life. Like Redhead said, anything longer than one week (or even 3-4 days in a LTR) is rude and disrespectful....and probably DOES mean something is amiss and/or he wants out. And the woman deserves to be told that. But 1-2 days? Come on, just chill out and go do your own thing. He doesn't need to be burdened with what are essentially YOUR insecurities and anxieties (in demanding an explanation) after telling you he needs space for a couple of days. Sheesh. Edited September 21, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author Leaa Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 I'm just sad and confused. We talked every day for 2 years. We were with each other most days. We were so comfortable together, he was my absolute best friend. All of my favorite memories are with him. Did he never love me? I feel like you can't do this to someone you love. Yea, everyone deals with break ups but to completely shut me out of his life? Block me on absolutely everything so we can never check up on each other?
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I'm just sad and confused. We talked every day for 2 years. We were with each other most days. We were so comfortable together, he was my absolute best friend. All of my favorite memories are with him. Did he never love me? I can't answer that. Love is indefinable, ask any two people. I feel like you can't do this to someone you love. Yea, everyone deals with break ups but to completely shut me out of his life? Block me on absolutely everything so we can never check up on each other? I doubt he will check up on you. That was his purpose for blocking you. And he doesn't want you checking up on him. Why would you do that, when he has made it abundantly clear he's off-limits....?
Author Leaa Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 ??? because i LOVED him for 2 years... i don't see how you can love someone with everything in you and not want to check up on them. Even if he doesn't care about me I will always care about him, i'll always wonder if he's happy. No matter how much he hurt me.
craw Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 It hurts like $%&! Now, but you truly need to be someone who deserves your love.
Buddhist Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 I know I won't be able to get a real answer out of this question i just want some perspectives on my situation. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me because i flipped out while he was away with his friends. We were very serious, looking for a house and he had a date planned to propose to me in just a few months. He broke up with me 2 months ago but we still kept contact, and saw each other about a dozen times. Every time I would mention a relationship he would back off, and remind me that he doesn't want that right now and just needs time and space. The past 2 weeks we were pretty much dating. We saw each other a bunch of times, he brought me on dates, we saw our mutual friends, he kissed me in front of our friends, etc. Things were going SO well and then one day I asked him to hangout and he said "maybe i'll let you know"...he didn't even bother texting me the rest of the day even tho i was sitting at home waiting for him. It pissed me off and I got a little mad, he told me just to give him some space. I left him alone for a day, texted him the next and he said he didn't want to talk or hangout anymore. I kept questioning why over and over so he blocked my number. the next day i went on Facebook and messaged him, saying i was sad and confused. he told me to leave him alone, i asked him just to explain himself and he got mad and said "I have to block you on everything, you're not giving me a choice. sorry". And I haven't heard from him since. Even though it's only been 4 days I have this bad feeling that he's happier without me...So, if this was your situation...would you ever unblock your ex (me)? Maybe I set him over the edge but how can you go from "i love you so much" to cutting someone out of your life 3 days later? If that was my situation, and it has been at some point. No I would never un-block you for this simple reason. I've asked you to back off and you repeatedly keep intruding. Clearly the issue in your relationship was that he felt suffocated by your constant attention and although he tried to create space in the relationship where he could recharge and have some alone time, you kept putting a limit on that by constantly contacting him and being unable to control your need for his time. Your bad feeling is intuition talking, he probably is happier without you. Sorry to say it but as an introvert myself the one thing I cannot handle is too much of a good thing. Yes I could absolutely do what your boyfriend did and it would make perfect sense in my mind. I can love someone but find them over-bearing and unwilling to accomodate my needs. And when that happens love must be sacrificed for self preservation. It won't make me happy to do that but it will be less miserable than being with someone who does not understand my needs and also refuses to accept a boundary I'm putting in place. It's not up to you to decide when his alone time, is up. In conclusion - he finds you smothering and like all people who need air, he had no choice except to breathe and sacrifice the relationship in order to save himself.
Buddhist Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 I'm just sad and confused. We talked every day for 2 years. We were with each other most days. We were so comfortable together, he was my absolute best friend. All of my favorite memories are with him. Did he never love me? I feel like you can't do this to someone you love. Yea, everyone deals with break ups but to completely shut me out of his life? Block me on absolutely everything so we can never check up on each other? I think the real issue here Lea is that you were unable to let the relationship change, and relationships always change the longer they continue. He can't (no-one can) maintain a honeymoon period indefinately. That kind of intense contact is short term for a reason, it burns people out. It seems to me he wanted the relationship to evolve into something more comfortable, where you are both free to be yourselves. It's unrealistic to expect anyone to be your best friend, chat to you everyday and maintain this level of contact. Think about it, not even your own family have this kind of intensity with you. When thinking about a marriage partner you have to consider if you can live with this person's habits forever. Clearly the answer for him was no. He couldn't promise to be your everything and live up to that without burning himself out. I don't actually see anything douchey in his actions. He does love you, he considered a life with you, and tested the waters to see if you could give him what he needs. A life where he was trusted out of your sight, able to spend time with friends without you and access space where it's just him and his own thoughts. Unfortunately you showed him that wasn't going to be possible. I think this is a good opportunity for you to now consider how to cater to your own needs instead of expecting someone else to fulfill them for you.
stillafool Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 What do you mean you "flipped out" when he was away? What did you do?
Omei Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 I'm just sad and confused. We talked every day for 2 years. We were with each other most days. We were so comfortable together, he was my absolute best friend. All of my favorite memories are with him. Did he never love me? I feel like you can't do this to someone you love. Yea, everyone deals with break ups but to completely shut me out of his life? Block me on absolutely everything so we can never check up on each other? Hurts but because he did this you'll heal a little faster you can skip the whole "hoping hes gonna come back" part and go right into accepting you're not gonna hear from him, had my ex done this sooner than later it prob would of shed a year of sadness for me because keeping in contact is really just constantly hurtful.
Recommended Posts