vagabonder Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I have been dating a guy for a couple of months. He was one of those rare guys I have instant chemistry with. My first impression was that he was okay looking, but once we started talking, the physical attraction grew strong. We can talk for hours on end (which is also rare for me because I am an introvert). It had been a long time since I felt that way about anyone so ended up sleeping with him on our first date (second meeting). The next morning, I googled his name and it turns out he has a criminal record from drug use (4 years ago) and an arrest but not conviction of contemplating robbing a cvs (10 years ago). I was devastated. I had never dated anyone that used anything hard, much less a criminal record with jail time. After processing it, I talked to him about it and he apologized for not telling me. He wanted to but felt we were having such a great time he felt the time was off. He seemed sincere in his story and that he has worked hard to turn his life around and has no desire to use again. He is a vet and claims to have struggled with PTSD and also a pretty rough upbringing. I spoke with my therapist who encouraged me to have compassion on him and give him a chance. So I took her advice and did. I do tend to be overly compassionate and want to believe he has changed from then. One of the reasons I am drawn to him is that he seems very spiritual with similar beliefs to mine - a rare trait to find in a guy. He is so good to me. Brings me soup when I am sick. Flowers every week. Calls every day. Wants to see me as much as he can (I'm limited because I have kids). He has told me he loves me, although I haven't said it back so he doesn't much now. I really enjoy my time with him. When I am with him. When I am not, the doubts creep in. Is he playing me? Is he a sociopath trying to come into my life because I make decent money? How do I know he wouldn't use again? It's only been 4 years and two of those were in prison. Is he so good to me to con me or does he really feel this way about me? (He says he's never felt this way with anyone before.) I'm at a crossroads where I need to either get out or to at least explore being exclusive with him and put my doubts to rest. I was confused by my therapist encouraging me to give it a try in the beginning and now she seems of little help. Advice?
menyou Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I have been dating a guy for a couple of months. He was one of those rare guys I have instant chemistry with. My first impression was that he was okay looking, but once we started talking, the physical attraction grew strong. We can talk for hours on end (which is also rare for me because I am an introvert). It had been a long time since I felt that way about anyone so ended up sleeping with him on our first date (second meeting). The next morning, I googled his name and it turns out he has a criminal record from drug use (4 years ago) and an arrest but not conviction of contemplating robbing a cvs (10 years ago). I was devastated. I had never dated anyone that used anything hard, much less a criminal record with jail time. After processing it, I talked to him about it and he apologized for not telling me. He wanted to but felt we were having such a great time he felt the time was off. He seemed sincere in his story and that he has worked hard to turn his life around and has no desire to use again. He is a vet and claims to have struggled with PTSD and also a pretty rough upbringing. I spoke with my therapist who encouraged me to have compassion on him and give him a chance. So I took her advice and did. I do tend to be overly compassionate and want to believe he has changed from then. One of the reasons I am drawn to him is that he seems very spiritual with similar beliefs to mine - a rare trait to find in a guy. He is so good to me. Brings me soup when I am sick. Flowers every week. Calls every day. Wants to see me as much as he can (I'm limited because I have kids). He has told me he loves me, although I haven't said it back so he doesn't much now. I really enjoy my time with him. When I am with him. When I am not, the doubts creep in. Is he playing me? Is he a sociopath trying to come into my life because I make decent money? How do I know he wouldn't use again? It's only been 4 years and two of those were in prison. Is he so good to me to con me or does he really feel this way about me? (He says he's never felt this way with anyone before.) I'm at a crossroads where I need to either get out or to at least explore being exclusive with him and put my doubts to rest. I was confused by my therapist encouraging me to give it a try in the beginning and now she seems of little help. Advice? everyone is human and we all make mistakes. Do you think that this will always be something that you question? if yes, move on. I know people who have done the unthinkable and have completely changed. So yes it is possible. it really just depends on whether or not you are able to accept their past.
TunaCat Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Personally I would be very very cautious. Especially since you have kids. Your kids need to come first no matter how much this guy spoils you with flowers and soup etc. I understand you two are wildly attracted to one another, but I worry what could happen if he DOES feel the need to use again. Would you leave the relationship right away or would you think "your love can change him"? Yes, people can turn their lives around, but I've never seen it personally. I wouldn't put myself through the wondering & worrying about him, and that's why anyone with a drug past OR a criminal past is automatically eliminated from my dating pool. 1
h0000 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I think you should do some research on rehabilitation/re-offend rate. Numbers don't lie
pleasedtomeetyou Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 We have a family friend who was a major heroin addict in the late-80's. She has overdosed and her boyfriend died of an overdose. This was when she stopped using. She went to college and is now a career counselor at one of the biggest state universities in the country. And her son is an A/B student in high school as well. So yes, it is possible. 3
Author vagabonder Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 everyone is human and we all make mistakes. Do you think that this will always be something that you question? if yes, move on. I know people who have done the unthinkable and have completely changed. So yes it is possible. it really just depends on whether or not you are able to accept their past. Ugh. I guess the reality is that I probably would always question if he can. And that in turn will leave me guarded and unable to really further the relationship with him. I largely wonder if the attraction here is created by him because he is a sociopath. But then, I married a severe narcissist and got burnt bad by a friend that had a lot of sociopathic qualities, so now I am a lot less trusting going into a relationship.
scooby-philly Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I think you should do some research on rehabilitation/re-offend rate. Numbers don't lie I want to be there the first time you **** up in your life or have something bad happen. She's looking for a real answer because she obviously has feelings for him. If people like you are serious then I should be able to pay 10 for home insurance where I live since people in cali fla, hawaii, Colorado Missouri, etc all cause my insurance to be higher than what it should. I dont disagree....the situation lends itself to caution. OP, I think you have a question to answer first. Can you live in the now with eother that fear or perhaps work on it with him and a support network. If it's been 4 years... thats good progress. Of course every alcoholic will tell you that relapse can happen jn an instance....very often its a matter of choice (and triggers). If you can live with it, take a two pronged. Fill in all the gaps between now and 4 years ago and learn hos triggers.if you cant get past this then you are not doing anyone a favor here 1
Author vagabonder Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 Personally I would be very very cautious. Especially since you have kids. Your kids need to come first no matter how much this guy spoils you with flowers and soup etc. I understand you two are wildly attracted to one another, but I worry what could happen if he DOES feel the need to use again. Would you leave the relationship right away or would you think "your love can change him"? Yes, people can turn their lives around, but I've never seen it personally. I wouldn't put myself through the wondering & worrying about him, and that's why anyone with a drug past OR a criminal past is automatically eliminated from my dating pool. This was my therapists point. If he uses just once, I can leave the relationship. But the reality is that it is not that simple. I would be attached. We would possibly be living together. My kids would be attached. It could devastate our lives. I looked up heroine relapse rates and saw it is 40-60%. High for sure. But still a lot that do turn their lives around. Part of the question here too is how much the heroine use caused him to do other things (stealing), or if that was to support the addiction.
Jules Dash Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Ask yourself what would be the likely outcome of this relationship. Forget about the possibilities for a moment and just ask yourself what would be the likely scenario.
empresario Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Yes, people can change their lives around if they truly want to. I've done it myself (though not having to do with crime). Look, if your concern is about the money you make and him trying to get at it...that's really simple. Don't give him money. If he's in it for your assets you will figure it out REAL fast.
TunaCat Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 My kids would be attached. It could devastate our lives. I looked up heroine relapse rates and saw it is 40-60%. High for sure. But still a lot that do turn their lives around. I am the daughter of a heroin & meth addict. He has been an addict since he was 14. He is now in his early 50's. He has been in and out of jail & rehab ever since he began using. He has a rap sheet as long as his arm. I have not seen him since I was an infant. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh on you, but knowing that my "father" would rather be addicted to drugs than have a relationship with his eldest daughter still hurts me. For your kids' sake, please be careful. 1
Siquijor Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Everyone deserves a second chance and I don't think you should walk away unless he's still doing drugs. You need to be straight up front and firm with him though. Tell him you like him but under no circumstances will you tolerate any kind of criminal activity including drug use if there's going to be any future between the two of you. Maybe he needs someone like you in his life which could bring the best out of him. You could be that spark he needs but he has to thoroughly convince you and earn your trust, but that takes time. Take it slowly with caution is my advice. I hope it works out. 2
Siquijor Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Yes, people can change their lives around if they truly want to. I've done it myself (though not having to do with crime). Look, if your concern is about the money you make and him trying to get at it...that's really simple. Don't give him money. If he's in it for your assets you will figure it out REAL fast. If he's done with drugs I'd imagine he's earning enough from his profession as a vet, and him becoming a 'thief' could have been the result of his drug habit, although according to the OP he wasn't actually convicted of a robbery. 1
todreaminblue Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I have to offer that you give him a chance.....just one..it is possible to turn your life around and i dont know if the drug use was after service and involving the ptsd or not.....i think when you get in a relationship you have to take it from this day...not yesterday or two years before...but how the person conducts themselves now......but that is how i would want a person to take me...not what i have done in the past or what has happened to me but who i am today....with an understanding of my past and that it is past....... you are right though it is a risk......for you...for your children..... but then really ...so is dating any guy you havent known for a very long time......because the seemingly sweetest guy with no criminal activity or drug use on record could turn out to be a fledgling ted bundy who hasnt found his feet.....but plans too as soon as he has a cover of a loving ready made family......these are truths.....you never know...now...its easy to sit back and say yeah ok stuff this ...i am now a nun.and move to tibet with llamas and your kids.....or...you can take a risk with a guy who you know the score with..........and if he proves to be a statistic of drug dependency......you know what you have to do..... ultimately it will be you and your heart that decides what is best for you and your kids......i would suggest praying about it and listen closely to what your heart tells you make it clear to him you wont tolerate drug use...do you know his family and friends...have you seen him interact with them.......i wish you well....deb 2
ThugLifing Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 (edited) I think it's important to get more information. Has he been to rehab? Does he still go to meetings? Has he learned to cope with life in a healthy manner? Has he gone to therapy? Addicts will always have to struggle with addiction their whole lives.. Meetings are important to sober living. Has he lied to you about anything else? Is he working and can hold a job? Compulsive lying can be a problem with an addict, in my experience. You have reason to be cautious and should continue to fact check until you decide anything. Edited September 21, 2015 by ThugLifing misread question 2
Author vagabonder Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 I think it's important to get more information. Has he been to rehab? Does he still go to meetings? Has he learned to cope with life in a healthy manner? Has he gone to therapy? Addicts will always have to struggle with addiction their whole lives.. Meetings are important to sober living. Has he lied to you about anything else? Is he working and can hold a job? Compulsive lying can be a problem with an addict, in my experience. You have reason to be cautious and should continue to fact check until you decide anything. You're right, these are things I need to peg him down about. When we talked about it, he said he had a support group, but didn't go into details. I've dropped the subject since because it felt like for awhile there our relationship was becoming so much about his past and I felt that was unfair to him. He does drink alcohol, which I've wondered if is normal for a recovering addict to heroine? He also made the comment he has no desire to use, which my understanding is that the desire is always there, but they actively work to fight against that desire? The thing that has been bothering me this week is that he did lie the first time we met. He told me that because he is Italian that he is a great cook. I pressed him on that this week (I was bothered that our plans never involve meals), and he admitted that he doesn't know how to cook. I get that people say those kinds of things meeting someone to impress them and get them to go on a date, but even if it was a "white lie," because of his past it feels like a big lie. Especially because him supposedly being a great cook was one of the things that initially interested me in him.
Author vagabonder Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 Yes, people can change their lives around if they truly want to. I've done it myself (though not having to do with crime). Look, if your concern is about the money you make and him trying to get at it...that's really simple. Don't give him money. If he's in it for your assets you will figure it out REAL fast. And, see, I'm concerned I wouldn't find out until further down the road...let's say a year or so, until he is wanting to move in. I have been concerned about his income before. He has a low paying job at the vet center. I finally pressed him that I was concerned where he gets his money from and he admitted that the government pays him generously for having PTSD as a vet. I have no idea if that is something realistically he could live off of. I have never seen the place where he lives, either. He either always comes to my place or we get a hotel room. He claims that he has always enjoyed getting a hotel room once a week to "escape" from it all and finds it relaxing. He recently moved to a new place and says that once he is more settled, he will invite me over. He has sent me a picture, but it is on a base and he will more than likely have a roommate. So, I'm wondering if all these things are red flags as well, and I am ignoring them because I really like him.
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