concerned.wife Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Help please! My husband and I have only been married for 11 months, and he has been gone for work the last 6 months. We have a healthy relationship, talked and facetimed daily while he was away, and I did get to visit a few times. We have NEVER had an issue with trust (though I have a lot of experience with dating liars in the past)- and I have never lied or kept anything from him. He is not the type of person to lie to anyone, let alone me, but this week I caught him lying about texting one of his girl-friends (just a friend, never dated each other, but she has also never supported our marriage). It took me several days to bring it up because I kept telling myself I was overreacting because I fully believe he would never intentionally hurt me or cheat on me. Last night, I asked why he lied to me about when he had last spoken with her, and he replied that "he didn't really lie," but he didn't tell the whole truth either. He then lied again-directly to my face and said they spoke a few weeks ago when I saw her message him on Tuesday this week! After telling him I knew the whole story he then admitted that he lied and apologized, saying he just didn't want me to be upset because she has never liked me. To make a long story short, there is another girl who he is friends with and the conversation shifted to her- he then lied twice in less than 5 minutes about talking to her, and only admitted the truth (that he facetimed her and talked that day!!!!!) after I asked to see his phone. I have never told him he couldn't have friends that were girls, and they have been in his life long before we even met. While neither of these girls support our marriage, I have always trusted my husband and never questioned his intentions with either of them. I am not one to tolerate any type of lie, and if this were a dating relationship and not a marriage I would have ended it on the spot. Oh and did I mention I'm 9 months pregnant and inducing on Wednesday??? Not good timing to lose trust in my husband. Where do we go from here? How do I move past these meaningless lies? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
purplesorrow Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I'm very sorry you're going through this. Being lied to hurts. That being said, I think you should get off this forum and focus on bringing a healthy little one into the world. You can deal with this after. You are bound to get some answers that may add unnecessary stress. Congrats by the way.
warshaw Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Him lying to your face twice, about other girls, and so early in the marriage is certainly an ominous sign. Especially since he doesn't feel the least bit remorseful about doing so. His lack of respect for you is troubling to say the least. 1
Gloria25 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Are you sure your hormones are not getting the best of you (pregnant and all)? You don't need this stress if you are pregnant. So what if he's talking to these women. Is he dating them? Is it sexual/intimate? Is he living up to his responsibilities as a husband/father? At this point too late to stress. There is nothing to gain here right now by stressing. You need to relax and concentrate on having your child. BTW, after your child comes out, your hormones are still kinda gonna be up the wall and you need to try to chill out cuz you two need to bond and be supportive of this newborn. So, give this some time, concentrate on your child together and revisit this at another time once you got your child healthy and on the path to proper weaning... Neither you nor your child need this stress at "this" time.
Author concerned.wife Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 Thank you all for the feedback. I definitely don't want to be adding stress during this already emotional time, but I also hate to not take advantage of these few days we have to maybe fix the animosity I'm feeling towards him. I don't want to bring a baby into this world with our marriage having problems. Also, as one reply mentioned, I didn't know if maybe I am overreacting because of my hormones...but to me, a lie is a lie, no matter how small. He now admits to talking to them way more frequently than I was aware of, and says he was only keeping it from me to avoid unnecessary conflict (since they are "only friends catching up." Should I believe this and move on? Or ask that he not be friends with them anymore? I don't feel that these "small lies" are enough to even question divorce, but also know it could lead to bigger lies. I'm just confused as to where to go from here and how to move past it all. Thanks again for the advice!
Gloria25 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 My bet is these are not just emotional affairs. Yes and no... Believe it or not, there are some men out there who just like "talking" to other females and it goes nowhere. That's why I was asking the OP as to what the nature of these convos he was having with these women. Some men are flirts. They just like attention from other women without it being a physical and/or emotional affair. They just wanna massage their ego. I was listening to the radio the other day where like for a whole year a dude was literally making plans to wine/dine and take some women on vacation and they haven't even kissed!!! Well, he eventually did a fade/backout and never followed through. 2
Gloria25 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Thank you all for the feedback. I definitely don't want to be adding stress during this already emotional time, but I also hate to not take advantage of these few days we have to maybe fix the animosity I'm feeling towards him. I don't want to bring a baby into this world with our marriage having problems. Also, as one reply mentioned, I didn't know if maybe I am overreacting because of my hormones...but to me, a lie is a lie, no matter how small. He now admits to talking to them way more frequently than I was aware of, and says he was only keeping it from me to avoid unnecessary conflict (since they are "only friends catching up." Should I believe this and move on? Or ask that he not be friends with them anymore? I don't feel that these "small lies" are enough to even question divorce, but also know it could lead to bigger lies. I'm just confused as to where to go from here and how to move past it all. Thanks again for the advice! Thing is, again, IMO, you should focus on having a healthy baby cuz too late to say you can prevent bringing a child into a bad marriage ("if" that is the case here - which it doesn't seem to be). Again, I say concentrate on having your child, let your hormones level out and then do some marital counseling with your husband and go from there. My thing about "lies" is whether or not it affects the RL and from what you posted here, seems like he just is talking to these women and it hasn't gone anywhere.
Poppyolive Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 If they were just friends of his, yours and your marriage, I'd say why not? Stay in touch. But stand firm on no more lies. But, for whatever reason, these girls aren't supportive of your marriage, then, he should make a choice. Why aren't they supportive? Why on earth are these issues happening right now, when you need them the least. Why on earth is he lying to you? I'm with you on the lies. They break down trust. They cause conflict, unnecessary pain. I have a feeling there is something more, possibly emotionally cheating? Look, right now your health and your babies health is of upmost importance. Sorting this out before babe arrives will take both of you. And a little more of him. If he's not doing the work to help you through this, then, you have no choice but to put it aside, for now. If I were you I would request he cut communication with these women. I would request transparency. And stand firm on no more lies from this day forth. And above all, you need his support as you welcome babe, with absolutely no drama. From here, watch his actions closely. Be prepared to go stay with family if he let's you down again. Best wishes.
madjac74 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I didn't read a single bit of this but how do you know it was the first time he lied? 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I didn't read a single bit of this but how do you know it was the first time he lied? I was going to ask the exact same question. It might be a good time to remind him of his vows....
No Limit Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 How do I move past these meaningless lies? The thing is, most likely they aren't meaningless. The "she's just a friend" talk is typical for cheaters; I guess the distance was just too much so soon in your marriage.
Gloria25 Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 The thing is, most likely they aren't meaningless. The "she's just a friend" talk is typical for cheaters; I guess the distance was just too much so soon in your marriage. Well, also, 9 months pregnant, 11 months married - 6 of which he's been gone. You do the math....
perol Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 You don't know he only lied once, you don't know that this was the first time, and you don't know how far he's taking it with these other girls. You can't know. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Your concerns are valid, in fact you're downplaying the potential problems here.
PinkInTheLimo Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 I think you should hire a detective. This does not sound good, esp. not if he has been gone for work for 6 months. I would take care of you baby now but for the rest try to find out who this guy really is. Did you know him a long time before you got married?
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