neowulf Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 So, been struggling with this over the past couple of days. I'll be 37 in a couple of months and well, I just feel like I'm washed up in terms of dating and love. I haven't "been in love" in over 10 years now. At least not something I could clearly identify as love. I have a steady job that pays well. I rent a nice apartment in the inner city. Debt free. Could stand to lose a few kilo's I guess, but not sporting a beer belly. Still got all my hair. Never divorced, no children. On paper, you'd think I'd be doing ok. Yet, I feel unloveable. I look around me, at other people who seem to be finding their match, yet I can't seem to make it work. I don't know what's wrong with me, or why it's so difficult. I've had numerous female friends tell me I'm an amazing man. Yet these days I walk down the street and I feel invisible. No eye contact, no smiles, no second glances. Nothing. It's like I don't exist. The problem with blind spots.. is well, you can't see them. I've tried doing postmortems on my relationships to better understand what's going on. Maybe I just keep choosing the wrong people. I've been at this enough to know the standard line. Work on yourself, work on your interests, etc etc. Yeah, I know. Just feeling a bit dejected of late. Nothing seems to make any difference.
Versacehottie Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 awww, well i supposed everyone feels like that at points--even when you are IN a relationship!!! I think you need to get passionate about your life. Yes, that is the standard get interests, make new friends, have new experiences. Do a brainstorming where you think of everything you would want to try--be crazy and unconventional. Then start scheduling stuff. I'm a huge proponent of scheduling and physical fitness. Scheduling at first makes it feel like life is routine and boring. But you can always bump something you have scheduled for something else. The point is that you are guaranteeing yourself options and not just letting life pass you by. I think if you get more passionate about your life it will transfer in the enthusiasm you show to others and what you truly have to offer. It's definitely more attractive and when you love yourself you find love. Cheesy but true. About working out. If you have kilos to lose, get your ass in the gym. A) for the way you look B) to connect mind/body again. It is SUCH a help in building confidence and passion and feel that you are living your best life. You sound like you have a lot going for you. It's just a few little tweeks. Also make sure when you are ready enough (maybe a month's time) that you take ACTIVE steps to meet girls and date. You kinda have to approach it in a business like way to be realistic of how you will find someone amongst the competition that other guys create and then have fun and bring passion for your life in a not business like way on the dates. Good luck 1
menyou Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 So, been struggling with this over the past couple of days. I'll be 37 in a couple of months and well, I just feel like I'm washed up in terms of dating and love. I haven't "been in love" in over 10 years now. At least not something I could clearly identify as love. I have a steady job that pays well. I rent a nice apartment in the inner city. Debt free. Could stand to lose a few kilo's I guess, but not sporting a beer belly. Still got all my hair. Never divorced, no children. On paper, you'd think I'd be doing ok. Yet, I feel unloveable. I look around me, at other people who seem to be finding their match, yet I can't seem to make it work. I don't know what's wrong with me, or why it's so difficult. I've had numerous female friends tell me I'm an amazing man. Yet these days I walk down the street and I feel invisible. No eye contact, no smiles, no second glances. Nothing. It's like I don't exist. The problem with blind spots.. is well, you can't see them. I've tried doing postmortems on my relationships to better understand what's going on. Maybe I just keep choosing the wrong people. I've been at this enough to know the standard line. Work on yourself, work on your interests, etc etc. Yeah, I know. Just feeling a bit dejected of late. Nothing seems to make any difference. you had me at "still got all my hair" do you walk down the street making eye contact? smiling? second glances? It really is true that the energy you exude is infectious. try smiling and greeting some people as you go about your day tomorrow. you never know. 3
Buddhist Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 So, been struggling with this over the past couple of days. I'll be 37 in a couple of months and well, I just feel like I'm washed up in terms of dating and love. I haven't "been in love" in over 10 years now. At least not something I could clearly identify as love. I have a steady job that pays well. I rent a nice apartment in the inner city. Debt free. Could stand to lose a few kilo's I guess, but not sporting a beer belly. Still got all my hair. Never divorced, no children. On paper, you'd think I'd be doing ok. Yet, I feel unloveable. I look around me, at other people who seem to be finding their match, yet I can't seem to make it work. I don't know what's wrong with me, or why it's so difficult. I've had numerous female friends tell me I'm an amazing man. Yet these days I walk down the street and I feel invisible. No eye contact, no smiles, no second glances. Nothing. It's like I don't exist. The problem with blind spots.. is well, you can't see them. I've tried doing postmortems on my relationships to better understand what's going on. Maybe I just keep choosing the wrong people. I've been at this enough to know the standard line. Work on yourself, work on your interests, etc etc. Yeah, I know. Just feeling a bit dejected of late. Nothing seems to make any difference. Some people don't meet their matches until later in life. I find it odd that the age thing is weighing for you. 37 is still extremely young, but wise enough to know better. It's a great age. I'd say your feelings of invisibility are creating that reality for you. What kind of attention are you seeking? From someone younger, similar age, older etc? Because they are different demographics and you'll have to adjust your activities accordingly. People can see and smell dejection even if you think you're not showing it. Unfortunately the world does tend to reflect the way we think and feel about ourselves. I'd say your number one priority is to feel differently about you, then others will follow suit. 3
Author neowulf Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 Thanks guys. Really great points. Going to get myself to the gym for starters. At the very least, hopefully I'll feel better. I also take the point about finding the passion in your life. It's been feel very much like just "surviving" of late. Not exactly connecting with my passions. Great thoughts all. I'll give it some thought and see how I can action it. 1
Maggie4 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 You can easily find a date, but falling in love doesn't always happen. It's a good idea for you to date casually, enjoy a little romance even if it's not falling head over heels in love. Get warmed up. Otherwise you go stale. 2
J21 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Your self worth shouldn't depend on how well you do in the love department. Sure it's an important part we all want, and I understand that's missing; but it shouldn't be assessment of self worth. 2
edgygirl Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Honestly I think tons of people are feeling the same things these days. And sometimes I feel the same as well. It's kind of brutal to date in your 30-40s these days - and specially hard to find a real connection. I have wonderful friends who feel the same, they don't get why they can't find the one and what's wrong with them. I don't know either as they are wonderful people. Ahh. Sorry I wasn't helpful but just wanted to say I understand. 1
Author neowulf Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 @Maggie4 - A friend of mine suggested I should "date more, relationship less". I think she's probably right. Just use dating as a way of meeting people, rather than expecting things to go anywhere. Still, I find the whole process of dating draining. Like an endless series of job interviews... @J21 - Yeah, I know my self worth shouldn't be so tied on in it. In an ideal world it wouldn't be. Yet, my best friend is married, starting a family. Most of my friends are paired off, moving on with the next phase of their lives. I'm being slowly left behind. I feel sad watching them move on, grow as people while I feel trapped in this phase of my life. I want to move to the next stage you know... @edgygirl - Thanks for the kind words. It's ok. I don't expect people to chime in with a magical solution to my problems. Sometimes it's just about reaching out, knowing that you're not the only one struggling. So thanks for sharing.
Popsicle Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 When I was younger, back before I got married, no one was "dating", everyone was just hanging out and having fun. Where there was a connection to be made, one was made, where there wasn't, there wasn't and it was no big deal. There were no hard feelings or expectations crushed. Perhaps this is just the attitude of the young, but this is the place I am trying to get back to mentally, because it is healthy and because of that so many good things happened to me when I had that simple attitude. 3
J21 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 @J21 - Yeah, I know my self worth shouldn't be so tied on in it. In an ideal world it wouldn't be. Yet, my best friend is married, starting a family. Most of my friends are paired off, moving on with the next phase of their lives. I'm being slowly left behind. I feel sad watching them move on, grow as people while I feel trapped in this phase of my life. I want to move to the next stage you know... Yepp, I totally get ya. It seems like everyone is getting on their buses to go off to college, and you're still in HS. But you gotta be careful not to rush into the next phase of life just for the sake of getting there. That's a recipe for disaster. There are so many people that rushed into marriage and totally regretting it. I know this guy at the gym that's going through a divorce, he vents all his problems in the sauna and it's saddening. Enjoy your freedom, one day that special will come along and take your time to get to know them. You won't have all the freedom you have now. Keep your chin up and good luck. 1
Versacehottie Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 @Maggie4 - A friend of mine suggested I should "date more, relationship less". I think she's probably right. Just use dating as a way of meeting people, rather than expecting things to go anywhere. Still, I find the whole process of dating draining. Like an endless series of job interviews... Yes if you are feeling like it's job interviews, your dates aren't going to go well. Even your paranoia about that will be the uninterested vibe you are giving off. Go with the only expectation to have a fun afternoon/evening and make a new friend. If more happens because you are having fun, all the better. 2
Maggie4 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 @Maggie4 - A friend of mine suggested I should "date more, relationship less". I think she's probably right. Just use dating as a way of meeting people, rather than expecting things to go anywhere. Still, I find the whole process of dating draining. Like an endless series of job interviews... Oh no, not interviews. You're not looking for a second date, you just want a pleasant time enjoying each other's company. 2
empresario Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Remember an important thing: women are like drug-sniffing dogs that seek out insecurity a mile away. If you really want to attract women, start by doing some things that make yourself feel good. When you're walking taller, having positive thoughts, and smiling wider...women will take notice. Take it from the nerdiest guy alive that gets hit on daily. There is nothing special about me at first glance. But I do own it...do I ever. 1
losangelena Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 OP, I feel ya. I just got dumped last week and I feel completely invisible/undesirable. I went to a concert this evening at an outdoor amphitheater. I had taxied over with a mother and daughter—the mother had treated her daughter to tickets because it was her 18th birthday. They'd never been to that venue (they came in from Fresno), so I offered to walk in with them so they'd know where they were going. On the way into the venue, I saw so many men just blatantly stare at this girl. Granted, she did have the literal body of an 18 year old and her midriff was exposed, but still. It seems like such a small thing, but I thought, "I don't remember the last time I got looked at that way." I'm 35, and can get dates online very easily, am funny and smart and outgoing, have been told I have a pretty face, am sexy, etc. Yet, I still don't feel like I get attention, like I too am invisible. On the way back out of the venue later (I had to leave early), I intentionally would look at men I passed to see if there were any smiles, any recognition, any second looks, and no, nothing, just 100-yard stares. Finally, as I was waiting for my taxi, I watched as a guy was getting out of his to go to a convenience store, and he briefly make eye contact and smiled, and I felt a bit better. Like you, I KNOW that self worth should not be so wrapped up in the amount of quality of attention you get from the opposite sex (or same sex, if that's what floats your boat), but I sometimes fear that my ex is the last man on earth who is going to find me attractive. And even his interest was questionable at the end there. It sucks, I get it. As I get older it just seems more and more impossible. I'm already doing what Versace (bless her) suggested. I'm signing up for a movement class, and for a class in verbal storytelling (like performative stories; getting up on stage, etc); I'm planning a road trip for December. These are things I've wanted to do for a long time but never have, until now. I'm hoping to explore new areas of myself, and like you say, reconnect to my passions (and also try things that scare the bejeezus out of me). Hang in there and good luck. You do seem like quite the catch! 1
Author neowulf Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 It sucks, I get it. As I get older it just seems more and more impossible. I'm already doing what Versace (bless her) suggested. I'm signing up for a movement class, and for a class in verbal storytelling (like performative stories; getting up on stage, etc); I'm planning a road trip for December. These are things I've wanted to do for a long time but never have, until now. I'm hoping to explore new areas of myself, and like you say, reconnect to my passions (and also try things that scare the bejeezus out of me). Hang in there and good luck. You do seem like quite the catch! I did see your thread about the breakup Losangelena I only got dumped myself about a week ago too. Much like yourself, I do ok online. Never really struggled to get dates like some guys to, but out in meatspace.. well, not much luck :-/ I'm glad to hear you're taking charge of your life and pushing for some new experiences. I think that's absolutely the thing to do in this situation, as others have suggested. "Do what you can, where you are, with what you have". Time to start thinking about how to fill my days I guess. Helps to see I'm not the only one struggling with these feelings though. Thanks for the support all 2
Versacehottie Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 wow, how nice to hear my (screen) name from losangelena I truly believe in the advice I give about these things getting the interests, passion and fitness. I think sometimes people can want something so much in terms of a romantic connection with another that they become kind of empty otherwise or feel like they are not quite the awesome person they are since they are "lacking" a partner. So then you just need to do things to reconnect....with yourself. Your enthusiasm about yourself can almost not be contained once you start living for yourself, first and foremost. If you don't,, no one else will. Sadly, I do think that as far as people passing you on the street, that people in general are more self-absorbed than ever and don't really as much. I guess we can blame online dating for that in part. People aren't necessarily keeping their eyes peeled for their next bf/gf because they now have a (so-they-think) easier, more direct alternative. Don't take it too personally. Most of us, even hot 18 year olds, are not looking for the quick, physical attraction type relationship anyway; we want more of an emotional and mental connection that can't usually be determined in that one minute drive-by. That said, when you feel good about yourself, it's easy to strike up these conversations yourself and not wait on the "other person". It's a much more fun life to have this power and not hand it over to random strangers anyway. Most people are receptive enough when you like yourself and the ones that aren't you have a great piece of information that they don't make your cut. 2
jen1447 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I'll touch on the invisibility thing as well, as I hear a lot of that from ppl. With the exception of a very small percentage of ppl who genuinely seem to always fade into the scenery bc they're extremely plain or for similar reasons, that feeling of invisibility comes from within. It's sth you project that's determined by your attitude and how it manifests outwardly. I can better describe it with examples ....I'm kinda the go-to girl in my social group so once in a while I get the irrelevance or invisibility feeling reports from friends for various reasons - they recently broke up, they reached some age that they see as significant, some life event happened that makes them feel irrelevant, etc. What I usually do in these cases is invite them out with me - shopping, dinner, whatever. When we go out walking around I tell them to pay attention to how I'm carrying myself. We get lots of appreciative looks. I might do this over the course of a couple outings, then ask them what they picked up about me and how it differs from them. It's always behavior that's reflective of attitude - I look up all the time, smile (at ppl and in general), appear energetic, and some outwardly 'sexy' stuff like I walk with a sway in my hips, etc. (Women know this but for any guys who don't, hip swaying is totally volitional. It can be narrowed down to a stick-up-the-butt walk when we're uncomfortable or widened out to a red-light-district swagger when we're feeling saucy.) After they've figured out what I do, I ask them to 'wear' that themselves in the future, and presto, it usually results in becoming visible again. Bc of the attitude change. It doesn't mean men come sniffing around them automatically but ppl stop looking thru them. I'm sure the same applies to guys (minus the hip-swaying lol) - just move around like you own it and ppl will see you. 3
Toodaloo Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Neo honey I am so very saddened to read this. What I will say though is that your breakup, its all new and fresh and we all feel like this at some point. I know it sucks but for goodness sake go out and do something that makes you smile. Grab a friend who verges on crazy and go do some crazy stuff with them. Smile. Learn to smile again honey. It does pass. Sorry I am the opposite end of the earth because I really do just want to give you an enormous hug right now. Hell I could do with one too so if you fancy giving me a squidge back that would go down well Chin up chook. It does get better. 2
Author neowulf Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 Where the heck is meatspace? Lol William Gibson reference leaked out sorry Cyberspace = The web, internet, the mind Meatspace = Real life, where the body resides. Feeling a bit better today guys. Thanks so much for all the kind words and practical advice. It's people like yourselves who make the site and the world at large a better place 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I think it's normal to feel like this after a breakup. I went through a breakup not long before you, and I sometimes feel blah about the prospect of ever finding lasting love. But I agree that worrying about it only gets in the way of it happening. I'm focusing on being healthy and fit, enjoying the moments, and thinking about what I'm looking forward to. I feel much better doing this than feeling sorry for myself. Sure, sometimes I slip and start feeling sorry for myself again - but that's not a mood I like to stay in for long. 2
RightThere Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Google Brene Brown and watch her Ted talk on Vulnerability. She does another on Shame, but the first talks about not feeling worthy of love. Excellent. 2
Oregon_Dude Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I think once you have a really fun date with some chemistry, this feeling will start to fade. Once someone new finds you attractive, you yourself begin to believe it again. Until then, give yourself a head start and believe it anyway. And work on getting that date! 2
nickf100 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 My mentor always says to remind yourself that nothing stays the same even though in the moment it may not seem like it. You could literally be married with kids and living in another country within 2 years. You never know where life takes you is what i mean. I've had huge changes in my life happen in no time. I feel like this is especially true for love. 3
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