ConfusedInOC Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 First day of therapy today and here's what she said: 1. The Ex is the source of my PAIN, not my happiness. I HAVE to make a clean break. (duh, NC) 2. The Ex is not emotionally mature enough to have a real relationship (based on her actions and the # of times she broke it off). 3. She told me to keep telling myself every day, over and over, that this relationship is OVER. 4. She said that I was a "healer" in that I wanted to fix The Ex's problems and when I did, she didn't need me anymore. That's no basis to have a relationship. 5. She said that I needed to exercise and force myself to eat. (duh). She wants me to RUN instead of just lifting weights. Anyway, I am going back on Thursday and 2x a week for as long as it takes for me to get through this. But I know, and always have, that NC was the best option and by breaking it all I did was delay the healing process. My ex doesn't deserve me and I know that. I just have to break the addiction. And it starts all over again today.
Jennifer'sSecret Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 My lord, you are OBSESSED with your ex! Keep in mind that there are 3 sides to every relationship - your perception, her perception, and the truth. Your therapist is focusing on how to fix YOU and getting you to MOVE ON, without necessarily focusing on the truth of what occurred during your relationship and breakup. That said, take your therapist's advice - maintain NC and your therapy sessions. Finally, you should stop thinking things that are focused on her, such as "she didn't deserve you." Maybe she just didn't want you. Did you ever think of that? But it shouldn't matter anyways, because you shouldn't want someone that X, Y, Z (all of her issues). It's about YOU, not her.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by Jennifer'sSecret My lord, you are OBSESSED with your ex! Thus the need for therapy. If I wasn't so heartbroken I wouldn't be going. And no, the therapist isn't candy-coating anything. In fact, she said "She had one foot out the door the entire relationship.." and she is right. Keep in mind that there are 3 sides to every relationship - your perception, her perception, and the truth. Your therapist is focusing on how to fix YOU and getting you to MOVE ON, without necessarily focusing on the truth of what occurred during your relationship and breakup. That said, take your therapist's advice - maintain NC and your therapy sessions. I agree. The therapy is part of my medical plan and you know, even if I didn't need it, I am still going to take advantage of it because it isn't costing me much and it IS helping/ Finally, you should stop thinking things that are focused on her, such as "she didn't deserve you." Maybe she just didn't want you. Did you ever think of that? But it shouldn't matter anyways, because you shouldn't want someone that X, Y, Z (all of her issues). It's about YOU, not her. The focus, she said, should be on that it's OVER. Nothing else.
Jennifer'sSecret Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Thus the need for therapy. If I wasn't so heartbroken I wouldn't be going. And no, the therapist isn't candy-coating anything. In fact, she said "She had one foot out the door the entire relationship.." and she is right. Fair enough. But what you should really be paying attention to is WHY YOU allowed the "relationsip" (for lack of a better word) to continue given her conduct. It's about you, you, you...not her. And it IS over, my dear. Now let's stop talking about the ex, and start talking more about the trainer or whatever other hot chica has got your heart pumpin'!! I know you're a guy, so the saying doesn't really apply to you, but as my best girlfriend says, "The best way to get over a man is to get under another one!"
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by Jennifer'sSecret Fair enough. But what you should really be paying attention to is WHY YOU allowed the "relationsip" (for lack of a better word) to continue given her conduct. It's about you, you, you...not her. Because I was in love, she was not. I am guilty of loving someone who, as it's so plainly obvious, didn't want my love. And it IS over, my dear. I was pretty much aware of that when she started fondling the new guy. But your heart doesn't always want to agree with what your brain is telling it. Now let's stop talking about the ex, and start talking more about the trainer or whatever other hot chica has got your heart pumpin'!! Trainer didn't call me back. But I am going to the gym now to run (per Therapist's orders) so I might see her tonight. I'll let her approach me if she chooses. I know you're a guy, so the saying doesn't really apply to you, but as my best girlfriend says, "The best way to get over a man is to get under another one!" I know you're trying to crack a joke, but the problem with that statement, whether girl or guy, is nothing could be further from the truth....
Marshbear Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 U know when I broke up with my ex I had to take a hard look at myself and really see the true me, warts and all. I had to ask myself what was wrong with me that I couldn't see her for what she was, a shallow, self-centered,selfish women. Was it just her looks that peaked my interest ( she is a very attractive girl ) or was their something missing in me? Did she dupe me that much that I could not be objective and only see what I wanted her to be? I finally came to the conclusion that I made some errors in our relationship but the bottom line was that she was not even my friend. I wanted things to work out so much that I over looked the obvious flaws in her character. I lost myself and what I was about and I am really disappointed in that. I pride myself in being able to judge people but I could not judge us. I have spent the past 6 months trying to find me and I really like who I am. I am an awesome person and I deserve someone who loves me without reservation. So I guess I am telling you to keep up your treatment and in the end you will discover that the most important person in all this is you. If you can look back on your time with her and say that you loved her with all your being but there was something in her that could not return that love then you have won. You have nothing to be ashamed about for love is a special and wonderful thing and should be shared in this world that is full of hate. Be proud of yourself and see you as a good and caring person. Don't be afraid to show your love and it will find you in all things and people that you meet. Be strong and your love will be rewarded. Peace...
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear U know when I broke up with my ex I had to take a hard look at myself and really see the true me, warts and all. I had to ask myself what was wrong with me that I couldn't see her for what she was, a shallow, self-centered,selfish women. Was it just her looks that peaked my interest ( she is a very attractive girl ) or was their something missing in me? Did she dupe me that much that I could not be objective and only see what I wanted her to be? It's funny, when I talked to her mom not long after the breakup, I told her I was 50% of the equation and I was indeed at least 1/2 responsible for where things ended up. I was head-over-heels in love and I know for sure I overlooked a lot of her faults and in turn replaced some bad faults I had with other bad faults. So I know I am not innocent. I finally came to the conclusion that I made some errors in our relationship but the bottom line was that she was not even my friend. I wanted things to work out so much that I over looked the obvious flaws in her character. I lost myself and what I was about and I am really disappointed in that. I pride myself in being able to judge people but I could not judge us. I have spent the past 6 months trying to find me and I really like who I am. I am an awesome person and I deserve someone who loves me without reservation. Yes, you are. And your situation mirrors mine exactly. I tried too hard. Changed things I didn't need to change, bent over backwards to make her happy. I did everything you should not do if you want to be respected... So I guess I am telling you to keep up your treatment and in the end you will discover that the most important person in all this is you. If you can look back on your time with her and say that you loved her with all your being but there was something in her that could not return that love then you have won. You have nothing to be ashamed about for love is a special and wonderful thing and should be shared in this world that is full of hate. Be proud of yourself and see you as a good and caring person. Don't be afraid to show your love and it will find you in all things and people that you meet. Be strong and your love will be rewarded. Peace... Amen. I know I was hopelessly in love. I did what I thought was right. But when she stopped reciprocating, I should have walked away. I didn't have enough self respect to do it at the time, but I won't let it happen again in the future. This has been a hard lesson. I hope other men out there learn from my mistakes and don't repeat them. It's OK to love someone, but know when to pull the ejection handle if you aren't getting anything back....
BigB Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Interesting... How'd you go about picking a therapist? Is your medical insurance covering some of the cost? Did you have to get like a referral from your doctor or something? Hope it helps mang...
Jadey Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Wow, Jennifer youre abit "know it all" arent ya. Talk about rubbing it in his face man Confused, Im glad you ahve found some help. Continue to go and continue to do NC. Youre doing reallt really well. And i know it doesnt help much but you ARE too good for her. Keep ya chin up and keep smiling I too am getting help
blind_otter Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 I have an idea. CIOC, why don't you try, for 2 weeks, to NOT make any statements like "My ex used to..." and "My ex was like...." and "My ex did this/that/the other..." I was, last year, and early this year, horribly hung up on my abusive, nasty exboyfriend who is now in jail for stalking me and breaking into my house. Of course with the restraining order, NC was a natural thing. What I had to work on was stopping the way I (you do this, I noticed) incorporated memories of my past relationship into my present day existance. No, you can't turn off your heart. But you can discipline and train yourself to focus on other things. Part of this is noticing when you reference your ex too much, eg in conversation with friends or family, and STOPPING yourself. It's almost a compulsion that you have to re-train out of your system. I am glad that you are in therapy but remember, your therapist is not infallible. She is a human being who may or may not have gotten good marks and appropriate training. As I learned in my undergrad practicums, 80% of the work is done by the client.
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 My lord, you are OBSESSED with your ex! He's not OBSESSED with his EX. He was deeply inlove! It's really hard to move on when you've been with somebody that you think is IT. Feels like you've lost part of body and now that person is gone, you gotta learn how to cope without them in your life forever! Some take it hard, some accept, deal with it and move on. There is no time limit on how to mend a broken heart!
Jadey Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup He's not OBSESSED with his EX. He was deeply inlove! It's really hard to move on when you've been with somebody that you think is IT. Feels like you've lost part of body and now that person is gone, you gotta learn how to cope without them in your life forever! Some take it hard, some accept, deal with it and move on. There is no time limit on how to mend a broken heart! Word! I agree..
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by BigB Interesting... How'd you go about picking a therapist? Is your medical insurance covering some of the cost? Did you have to get like a referral from your doctor or something? Hope it helps mang... I have an HMO and I called the therapist in their netweork until I found someone who could see me that day.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by Jadey Wow, Jennifer youre abit "know it all" arent ya. Talk about rubbing it in his face man Agreed. Confused, Im glad you ahve found some help. Continue to go and continue to do NC. Youre doing reallt really well. And i know it doesnt help much but you ARE too good for her. Keep ya chin up and keep smiling I too am getting help Thanks. It's hard. I've never felt love quite like this. I used to think being love sick was a wives tale. Oh how wrong I was...
Mz. Pixie Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Hmmmm, seems like Dr. Pixie might have told you all of that already........ Where is my fee??
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 have an idea. CIOC, why don't you try, for 2 weeks, to NOT make any statements like "My ex used to..." and "My ex was like...." and "My ex did this/that/the other..." I was, last year, and early this year, horribly hung up on my abusive, nasty exboyfriend who is now in jail for stalking me and breaking into my house. Of course with the restraining order, NC was a natural thing. What I had to work on was stopping the way I (you do this, I noticed) incorporated memories of my past relationship into my present day existance. No, you can't turn off your heart. But you can discipline and train yourself to focus on other things. Part of this is noticing when you reference your ex too much, eg in conversation with friends or family, and STOPPING yourself. It's almost a compulsion that you have to re-train out of your system. I am glad that you are in therapy but remember, your therapist is not infallible. She is a human being who may or may not have gotten good marks and appropriate training. As I learned in my undergrad practicums, 80% of the work is done by the client. I loved her more than life itself. When you lose someone who means that much to you, the pain is unbearable. I'll try and retrain her out of my thoughts. It's hard. CO...What's your favorite color??? Black. He's not OBSESSED with his EX. He was deeply inlove! It's really hard to move on when you've been with somebody that you think is IT. Feels like you've lost part of body and now that person is gone, you gotta learn how to cope without them in your life forever! EXACTLY!!! Some take it hard, some accept, deal with it and move on. There is no time limit on how to mend a broken heart! Thank you! That's exactly what I am going through. Something I took VERY hard, have not really accepted and I am not ready to move on. I miss her so much.....
Illusion24 Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Black...Oh no...Can I ask Why?? It's so depressing maybe you should change your color and lighten up your life a little. I guess what I'm trying to get at is ...Remember the things you like, remember what a nice sunny day smells like, remember how you enjoy spending time with your family and friends etc etc... Try to take your EX out of your mind for just 5 minutes of your day. Think about work and something else that might distract you. I know it's hard and your dealing with a lot of emotions but try to find happiness in yourself again. What happened to that girl from the gym??? You actually sounded excited about her..
blind_otter Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 I think I understand more than you realize. I felt the same way after my miscarriage - it wasn't about the baby's physical presence, although I felt him do little somersaults in my tummy - it was the idea of him in my head that I was totally in love with, and when I lost him in the bathroom at the ER it was a tragedy to me. A horrible thing. You have to do this. Don't act as if you are the only one who ever loved with all your heart and lost someone. Listen to the advice, don't discount it because you think other people haven't gone through what you have. I HAD to re-train my thoughts to not include a future with my unborn child. My due date is coming up and I am slightly melancholy, so forgive me if this seems inapplicable.
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Black. The album? Glad to hear your therapy got off to a good start.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by NeverSayNever Black...Oh no...Can I ask Why?? It's so depressing maybe you should change your color and lighten up your life a little. I wear black shirts all the time. Always have. I guess what I'm trying to get at is ...Remember the things you like, remember what a nice sunny day smells like, remember how you enjoy spending time with your family and friends etc etc... Funny you say that. When I was with her, my senses were heightended. When she left me, everything took on a gray hue and I notice more bad smells than good. Try to take your EX out of your mind for just 5 minutes of your day. Think about work and something else that might distract you. I know it's hard and your dealing with a lot of emotions but try to find happiness in yourself again. I am playing a game in my head lately. I try to see how long I can go without thinking of her. I've made it a few hours tops.....one day I hope to clear her out for good. She doesn't deserve any space in my mind....that's reserved for people who loved me and treated me good. What happened to that girl from the gym??? You actually sounded excited about her.. I like her but it may not be mutual. She smiled at me and waved on Mon but she hasn't called me back yet. I saw her last night and she kind of avoided me. I never bother her when she has clients. I am the kind of guy that, unlike alpha, won't play a game with her. I left her a message, if she is waiting for me to chase her down, it isn't going to happen....
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I think I understand more than you realize. I felt the same way after my miscarriage - it wasn't about the baby's physical presence, although I felt him do little somersaults in my tummy - it was the idea of him in my head that I was totally in love with, and when I lost him in the bathroom at the ER it was a tragedy to me. A horrible thing. You have to do this. Don't act as if you are the only one who ever loved with all your heart and lost someone. Listen to the advice, don't discount it because you think other people haven't gone through what you have. I HAD to re-train my thoughts to not include a future with my unborn child. My due date is coming up and I am slightly melancholy, so forgive me if this seems inapplicable. Sorry about your loss. I can't imagine how badly it must feel. I know that I have, in some morbid way, found solace here at LS in the simple fact others are going through the same thing and finding love with someone else. There's hope. As I said, it's in God's hands now.
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