Dating a Narcissist??

[Guyouthere]

Would you, can you, does it work? Can she change? Should I bother? All women tend to exhibit traits of it…. but when it too much "too much"?

[LostOnes05]

I think too much is if she tries to emasculate you and you can't get her to come to a mutual understanding. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for women who exhibit this kind of behavior.

[Smitten and Bitten]

Would you, can you, does it work? Can she change? Should I bother? All women tend to exhibit traits of it…. but when it too much "too much"?

 

I would say everyone exhibits some traits of narcissism, at least occasionally, and that the term is probably overused. But...

 

How much is too much? As soon as you realize that your main purpose in his or her life is to serve as a decoration or a prop...or when you find yourself on the floor in a fetal position. Whichever comes first.

[menyou]

Would you, can you, does it work? Can she change? Should I bother? All women tend to exhibit traits of it…. but when it too much "too much"?

 

It only works if you can put up with it. Not easy by a stretch. Scary most of the time if you get a glance of your relationship with a true narcissist from the outside.

[losangelena]

Would you, can you, does it work? Can she change? Should I bother? All women tend to exhibit traits of it…. but when it too much "too much"?

 

Is this the same woman from your other threads?

 

I think the key thing here is that ultimately—no, you can't change anyone, whether they have bad personalities or communication issues. If you're dating someone like that and it's causing you stress/anxiety/depression/second thoughts, you excuse yourself from the relationship and find someone who will treat you with respect and as an equal partner.

 

There are many (better) fish in the sea.

[Guyouthere]

Is this the same woman from your other threads?

 

I think the key thing here is that ultimately—no, you can't change anyone, whether they have bad personalities or communication issues. If you're dating someone like that and it's causing you stress/anxiety/depression/second thoughts, you excuse yourself from the relationship and find someone who will treat you with respect and as an equal partner.

 

There are many (better) fish in the sea.

 

It is.

 

I wrote her a long email which detailed it all… don't know if she will read it, but I basically told her everything in detail, and I know (if she reads it) that should make her think of what SHE did wrong.

 

I'm trying to see if she really even cares, because at this moment, I still feel as though I might have lost something good here (or until I can see or feel otherwise).

 

It was an intense 6 months with a LOT of variables involved, so getting over it isn't going to be a fast thing.

 

And I still ask the "what ifs".

 

What is I didn't do this or that….. but then I shift back and look at how she made me feel at times herself.

 

Still wondering if all she needed was to mature, and feel guilty I didn't give her that space.

[Siquijor]

They're too self-absorbed to even consider having a long term relationship with.

[menyou]

It is.

 

I wrote her a long email which detailed it all… don't know if she will read it, but I basically told her everything in detail, and I know (if she reads it) that should make her think of what SHE did wrong.

 

I'm trying to see if she really even cares, because at this moment, I still feel as though I might have lost something good here (or until I can see or feel otherwise).

 

It was an intense 6 months with a LOT of variables involved, so getting over it isn't going to be a fast thing.

 

And I still ask the "what ifs".

 

What is I didn't do this or that….. but then I shift back and look at how she made me feel at times herself.

 

Still wondering if all she needed was to mature, and feel guilty I didn't give her that space.

 

It's one thing for someone to slip up unintentionally and make you feel bad in a relationship and then sincerely apologize after. But when it's multiple times over various things you need to bow out and know that your wellbeing is worth way more. You should never feel bad in a relationship. That's not what having a "partner" is about.

[Maggie4]

I assume you mean the personality disorder? I can easily date a narcissist and I think I can recognize one, but I wouldn't waste my time because it's not long term. But just dating, yeah, narcissists can be great fun. They'll do anything to please you because they're so hungry for praise. They are entertaining but these poor souls are also easily manipulated because their self image relies on the judgement of others.

 

If you think all women exhibit traits of narcissism, then I think you need to examine your own characteristics.

[Guyouthere]

I assume you mean the personality disorder? I can easily date a narcissist and I think I can recognize one, but I wouldn't waste my time because it's not long term. But just dating, yeah, narcissists can be great fun. They'll do anything to please you because they're so hungry for praise. They are entertaining but these poor souls are also easily manipulated because their self image relies on the judgement of others.

 

If you think all women exhibit traits of narcissism, then I think you need to examine your own characteristics.

 

Not singling out women….

 

I went on various sites and saw the "characteristics lists".

 

In reality, I see really everyone can and does have at least some of them within them, including me.

 

My concern is when it becomes an issue.

[katiegrl]

It is.

 

I wrote her a long email which detailed it all… don't know if she will read it, but I basically told her everything in detail, and I know (if she reads it) that should make her think of what SHE did wrong.

 

I'm trying to see if she really even cares, because at this moment, I still feel as though I might have lost something good here (or until I can see or feel otherwise).

 

It was an intense 6 months with a LOT of variables involved, so getting over it isn't going to be a fast thing.

 

And I still ask the "what ifs".

 

What is I didn't do this or that….. but then I shift back and look at how she made me feel at times herself.

 

Still wondering if all she needed was to mature, and feel guilty I didn't give her that space.

 

What you are feeling is normal ...

 

Intense relationship = addictive relationship.

 

What you are experiencing is withdrawal.... SHE and the intensity of relationship was your *drug* of choice.

 

It will take time. ....just like a drug , this woman and relationship was no good for you. In fact, the way you described it in earlier thread, it sounded toxic!

 

Give yourself time to break the addiction. Cold turkey, no contact.

 

You will eventually.

 

You feel guilty because you care. That's okay but don't let it override the reason you ended it.

 

How quickly we forget once the person is gone.

 

Give yourself time.

 

Wish you the best ....

[Smitten and Bitten]

Hi Guy, I missed your earlier post where you described her behavior. I don't think you've misapplied the term "narcissist" at all; I was married to one for 15 years and what you described sounds textbook. Here's my advice: Run. Run fast and run far. Run as if the very Hounds of Hell are pursuing you. Then run some more. Then, once you're far enough away to see her for what she is, thank whatever Gods you believe in that you didn't marry her.

[MovingOnIsHard]

The same girl from your last threads again.

 

In some ways, i can relate to what you are experiencing.

 

My last ex exhibited traits of narcissism. He would give affection readily and withdraw when he didnt get what he wanted. His wants came first without regard for me.. He would identify himself as 'the victim' and played the role well. I was always thinking to myself, "did i do enough?" " maybe if i did this..." I had to go through therapy to grt over that last 'relationship'

 

Meanwhile, he went around my back talking to girls on dating sites and lying to me about it.

 

It's becoming obvious that you are obsessed with this girl, judging by the numerous threads you post about her. It's time to stop being co-dependent and being a White Knight to her.. Stop feeling guilty for her! She's not worth it!

 

I finally pulled the plug on my year long relationship with my ex...I took time to really heal myself, 6months to be exact.

 

Now i am in a healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationship !

[Smitten and Bitten]

The same girl from your last threads again.

 

In some ways, i can relate to what you are experiencing.

 

My last ex exhibited traits of narcissism. He would give affection readily and withdraw when he didnt get what he wanted. His wants came first without regard for me.. He would identify himself as 'the victim' and played the role well. I was always thinking to myself, "did i do enough?" " maybe if i did this..." I had to go through therapy to grt over that last 'relationship'

 

Meanwhile, he went around my back talking to girls on dating sites and lying to me about it.

 

It's becoming obvious that you are obsessed with this girl, judging by the numerous threads you post about her. It's time to stop being co-dependent and being a White Knight to her.. Stop feeling guilty for her! She's not worth it!

 

I finally pulled the plug on my year long relationship with my ex...I took time to really heal myself, 6months to be exact.

 

Now i am in a healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationship !

 

 

Yes, Yes, Yes!

[Guyouthere]

It was intense… actually involved me in a high strung police rescue, where she had been held hostage in Pakistan, and I helped her get out.

In fact, I was talking to her the moment the police and officials came, it was no joke and I was in contact with the government myself (yes for real, not a scam).

 

I had accidentally met her online, she had been a prisoner all her life, a sad thing, and actually did change and get her a new life, which is why this has hit me really hard. We met recently and I did spend time with her, so yes I know she did have real feelings, but I think the idea of a new life excited her more, and then the guy who looks like her ex (who she evidently wasn't over) came along, and that (along with her new life) is her new agenda.

 

The relationship was intense, we spent long hours talking on the phoneme chats, Skype, we really did have a good time in many ways. To be honest, we both saw a future for us, and I believe she had wanted that, until I began seeing things I had ignored before, like the narcissism.

 

There was a recent comment she made…. just after the "breakup", where I didnt know we had broken up (in her mind we were)…. she said "you are important in what I am doing"….. meaning, in her case, I believe I was serving some type of purpose in her greater goals in life.

 

It is a change for me,,, we were very close, and for a long time, day and night for over 6 months, and like I said, very trying times. I was there for her. I still can't help to think the "what ifs".

[TheBathWater]

Would you, can you, does it work? Can she change? Should I bother? All women tend to exhibit traits of it…. but when it too much "too much"?

 

As others have commented, we all have some degree of narcissism. Sometimes, life really does require it. For example, if you're about to give a public presentation, you really do have to aggrandize your attitude toward yourself in order to make it through confidently.

 

It is only when narcissism becomes a habitual and inflexible way of being in the world and relating to others that I would say one's character is essentially "narcissistic".

 

Narcissistic women (and men) are truly taxing to be in any sort of relationship with, let alone to date! I believe certain personality types are more attracted to narcissists than others, for reasons that are complicated and that stretch far beyond the brevity of this post. But, to answer your question, I could date someone with occasional, natural, contextual narcissistic tendencies...but someone whose personality is organized around this way of living, no...f'ing...way. I have been there before, and it's hell.

 

Finally, and I will probably get flamed for this comment, but women are inherently more narcissistic than men and you have to remember this with a grain of salt. When our genetics and culture make it so that women's central value is their body, they naturally organize their self-esteem around social affirmation more than men, who are valued more for a variety of attributes beyond looks. It's not "their" fault. This is why I 'get' cultural narcissism and can overlook aspects of it.

[Maggie4]

Oh hey Tuna upstairs... when it comes to narcissism, the personality disorder, more men are diagnosed with this order.

We women have to raise children so we have to think of others.

[Siquijor]

Narcissism is not so simple. Pretty much everyone exhibits some narcissistic traits, but that does not make them a narcissist.

 

 

I agree. Pretty much everyone loses their temper at some point but it doesn't make them a mad lunatic.

[TheBathWater]

Oh hey Tuna upstairs... when it comes to narcissism, the personality disorder, more men are diagnosed with this order.

We women have to raise children so we have to think of others.

 

Hi Maggie - there is a difference between being narcissistic and having NPD. Please reread my comment.

[Maggie4]

Hi Maggie - there is a difference between being narcissistic and having NPD. Please reread my comment.

 

Yeah I know, that's the point I've been making on this thread. Having NPD is not the same as our common use of the adj. narcissistic.

 

I don't think the OP is talking about NPD. Anyway, I was giving you a hard time, ha ha, for fun, cos you opened up the discussion of men vs women. But you know, I think really more men are diagnosed npd.

[Guyouthere]

As far as I know, she wasn't diagnosed with anything but then again she wasn't really analyzed either (lack of health care).

 

I can oily go by what I saw, and what I saw was her definitely having the "high and mighty" attitude, the most I have ever seen in anyone. She would say people couldn't understand her,and then eventually said that to me. She would say things like she had a very dark side which she could control, boasted the "Scorpio" thing, and generally saw herself above everyone else, that most did not approach "her level".

 

She also had this idea that she was called to "something great in life", and I know we can all feel that, but she took it to the excessive level. Yes she was very much above average intelligence, one reason I thought she was for me. She said things like she "couldn't lie", couldn't hide her feelings".

 

I can't ever remember her apologizing for anything, she couldn't see herself as immature in some ways, kind of talked down to me at times as well, feeling "frustrated she had to explain".

 

You know I put up with this **** because I know just how stressed she was, as said I saved her life.

 

She is biseuxal too, and had just broken up with her ex who she said burned her during sex, and she had been "addicted to the hot sex".

 

Overall she did start to get over it admitted that she needed to "rewire her brain", and I had been there all along.

 

So the question becomes….

 

Did I really leave too soon, or should I have just continued to be there all along and give her space.

 

That is what I struggle with.

 

Part of me believes that had I just let her sort herself out, she would have been good.

 

Maybe that is just a lie.

 

All I know is I didn't like the belittling, the fact she couldn't forgive, or so it seems.

 

She said I abandoned her in her time of need.

 

I had kept getting the thoughts of her telling me she wondered why she was with me at all, how she wasn't attracted to me (she blamed that on her attachment to her ex).

 

I also remember her telling me when we first started talking, not to "hurt her" because she had the "ability to kill someone in her mind" (in terms of abolishing their memory/all feelings).

 

So I guess we reached that point because her last words were I will send you your things back, I am going away, and bye.

 

Also that my words

"no longer had meaning to her".

Edited September 21, 2015 by Guyouthere

[MissBee]

Not sure what you mean here, if she actually has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder or you're just using it casually, but that's one of the most difficult personality disorders to deal with as people who have it are completely oblivious to it and simply do not care and they are difficult to change and if you're already starting a relationship wanting the person to change......well that doesn't bode well for the future.

 

You already know the answer!

[Guyouthere]

Not sure what you mean here, if she actually has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder or you're just using it casually, but that's one of the most difficult personality disorders to deal with as people who have it are completely oblivious to it and simply do not care and they are difficult to change and if you're already starting a relationship wanting the person to change......well that doesn't bode well for the future.

 

You already know the answer!

 

She never had an actual complete mental health screening (other than her dad tried to convince others she had bipolar). Her parents held her hostage all of her life (at home), threatening to marry her off in her culture, so I helped her out of that situation.

 

The events that she/we experienced were way beyond ordinary, so much of what I noticed I attributed to her excessive stress.

 

I just recently found an old email of hers, a pic, she had written a story and drew pictures as a child, a story of a nightmare she had of going into a house and seeing blood all over the walls.

 

I think she was like 6 years old when she wrote it.

 

Result of abuse by her dad? I dunno.

 

She has a lot to deal with.

[Guyouthere]

She said I abandoned her in her time of need.

 

<-------this is what perhaps plays on me the most….. because I know she was going through a lot.

 

And I let my frustrations come out, in terms of yelling at her.

 

She said I hurt her, but again, no mention of apologizing from her about how she made me feel.

 

The "I can do no wrong" mentality.

 

I realized I shouldn't have yelled and said F-you.

[menyou]

She said I abandoned her in her time of need.

 

<-------this is what perhaps plays on me the most….. because I know she was going through a lot.

 

And I let my frustrations come out, in terms of yelling at her.

 

She said I hurt her, but again, no mention of apologizing from her about how she made me feel.

 

The "I can do no wrong" mentality.

 

I realized I shouldn't have yelled and said F-you.

 

You yelled etc because honestly enough is enough. There was no room for you in this relationship. It's not all about her.