Why cant I call him but he can call me

[Ecoastgirl]

Ok.. I dont understand guys.... so PLEASE help me understand guys.

 

I have been involved in an LDR for about 5 months.. My very first, so its a bit odd for me. We live across the country from each other. We used to talk on the phone in the morning and at night.. for hours.... I could call him, he could call me. We developed a pattern somewhat and logged quite a few hours on our cell phones. Summer hit and both our hours at work changed so the morning conversations stopped (understandable). Then.. just recently the nighttime ones stopped. He has been very ill the last few weeks and gets tired easily so I tried to be understanding about it all.

 

He still calls me every day when he gets off work and we talk for a few hours. When we talk we have fun and its like nothing is wrong. Here is the problem......

 

He never answers anymore when I call. It seems lately I only talk to him when he calls. I honestly dont think he has someone living with him, becuase he talks to me all the way home then cooks himself dinner and such. I got frustrated and finally asked him if I was pestering him and should stop trying to call.. his reply was "no, If i wanted that I would have told you that". Yet, every single time I try there is no answer. I am so fed up I dont ever want to call again, but i really love talking to him and dont want to lose that.

 

He told me to relax that everything is fine, but its hard to. I feel like i chasing him now.

[Marshbear]

Stop answering when he calls and see if his frequency of calls increases. I know you like talking to him but back off at bit and see what happens...

[Merin]

I would advise you to be careful.

 

Although you don't think there is someone else.. it's been known to happen.

 

I'm not saying that is what's going on just saying don't rule it out.

 

Stop being so available to him like Marsh suggested and see what happens.

[Ecoastgirl]

well I did a quick experiment, following your advice, and now he is concerned that something is wrong and has been sending me messages all day

[SeaShells]

Maybe he just likes to have his time with you on his own terms? Is he independent, likes his alone-time? It may just be a matter of him wanting this relationship (the way it is, now) on his terms, and he has a TV show to watch, or wants his evening free to do his own routine? Just a thought. . . . he might be establishing boundaries in a passive way . . .

 

I suggest you be upfront and ask him how he sees you two spending time together? Phone time, etc. What are his expectations, and why, etc.?

 

BUT, you need to be open for anything . . . as he very well may have numerous scenerios for you to someday discover, one of which you will find out about and be surprised. Yes, another woman (maybe another man!), you never know. Maybe he likes to slug in the evening with a six-pack watching TV, and that's a side of him he doesn't want you to know just yet. Maybe he's a closet cross-dresser and goes out in the evening. You get my drift . . .

 

You are behind closed doors in a LDR (as I felt in a 4-year LDR that I just left). You don't know what's on the other side, except for what he presents to you . . .

 

Good luck ~

[Ecoastgirl]

I am sure that he does indeed have a routine in the evenings. I know of one major hobby, that consumes most his evenings.

 

After I thought to try that experiment (which I didnt even have much time into) the evening calls started again. Damn! it didnt take much.

 

There is another thing that bothers me in this relationship... I stated before that I am new to LDR's.. I have always relied on Body language and facial expressions. I am not able to do that now, and this man is very closed off when things are bothering him. He refuses to discuss issues if he is having a "bad night" He just gets silent, and tells me everything is fine. I have no clue if he is upset with me, or semething else and it drives me batty.

I used to be like this, and have grown out of it. I know now what past boyfriends went through during that stage of my life. It is very hard to deal with.

[SeaShells]

Yes, there is an entire set of behaviors/traits, etc. that you don't have privy to in a LDR (sharing them and inter-relating, as well). The ever-so-subtle things. It was the hardest thing for me. . . . and something you just can't 'catch up on' when you see each other during trips/vacations/weekends together. It's a huge facet of someone to get to know, if you ask me, and you're stifled in a long distance situation.

 

It turned out to be part of the ruin of our relationship. I won't go into details, but there is so much you can't get in an LDR. Again, it's as if each is behind a curtain . . . only experiencing parts of the person, and with terms. Very difficult .. . no matter how hard you try.

 

good luck to you . .. ..

[tiki]

He sounds married.

[Ecoastgirl]

Well, we have resumed our evening calls and he answers now when I give a call. I am not sure if it is the direct result of the experiment, or just that he was having a few bad nights. I would say with 99.9% certainty that he is not married. I am way less certain that there may not be another LDR he is dealing with.

 

I told him once that I don't expect anything from him and just want to enjoy his company. I could very well have screwed any chances up by stating that, but too late to take it back. Now I just enjoy him and see what happens.

 

Its funny how you say, or dont say, things to protect yourself. I know I am hesitant to reveal how I feel, and try to come off as easy going. Mainly becuase he is so closed off. I cant very well tell him that I carry my phone around waiting for his call, or that I melt when I hear his voice. I wouldnt want to scare him off so I keep those thoughts buried. What I become instead is more of a "fun" "easy going" girl, without a care in the world. But in doing so, that could send the wrong signal. He may think I have no intention of bringing what "could be" along further. I guess thats the trick.. knowing how far to cross that line. This is much more amplified in an LDR, where all you have to go by is what you say on a phone or type in a chat window.

 

I do know one thing, a persons imagination is soooo powerful, and that makes an LDR seem that much more intense. It is quite thrilling really, but on the flipside, I am afraid that the "letdown" (if that happens) will be that much more of a devistating thing.

[htinulas]

Sounds a lot like T.G. as well.....he called me at work a few weeks back to ask me a question about his supplier who is in Ontario as well....which I really think was an excuse becuase he misses me, and then says, go ahead and fire off your emails to me - don't be shy. Yet when I do, he only picks and chooses the ones he answers. He also has always said to call whenever I want to. It's like he wants me to chase him forever.....I think guys like to be chased, but how do we handle it ? Not sure on the answer to that one. My gut is telling me to stop chasing him but my heart is telling me to keep trying.

 

My only advice is not to go overboard - for example, don't get drunk on a weekendwhere he'd say he'd be in touch and call him 5 or 6 times after you've had a few - not too wise to do that.

[Ecoastgirl]

I agree, men like to be chased, but then, so do we

 

When you find yourself being the "chaser" it is very hard to stop doing it. At least it was for me. Its odd actually.. I have always been secure with relationships.. never really cared too much or had a "fear" that they wouldnt work out. I hate using fear, becuase there shouldnt be fear in a relationship, but I am very much so emotionally attached and I do worry a lot more then I ever have.

 

Something happened to change that though. I worked a double shift early this week, and it just so happened that I left my cell phone at home. I had a whole night of not being there for him and he had no idea why. The next morning my internet was down, and another busy day at work... again... no way of letting him know. Since then he has been extremely attentive. He has turned into the chaser. I dont know if I would have been able to do this on my own, I would have broke down and contacted him in some way. It has amazed me how the tables are now turned and I have a "calm" about me now.. I no longer worry.

 

I have a theory about this whole "game playing" thing that happens in realtionships.. please feel free to shoot it down in flames, or yell at me if someone else has talked about this.. hehe

 

There are a lot of posts that talk about game playing, and some people feel that in a true relationship game playing is not needed.

 

Heres the theory:

 

Every once in awhile you find someone that wants to progress with a relationship at the same "speed" as you. No game play is needed as neither one is doing the chasing. Both parties are thrilled at the speed at which it progresses. This is, of course, the perfect senario to be in. Most of us poor slobs will never experience this.

 

The majority of relationships are much more complex. There will always be one in a relationship that wants to go slower then the other.. hence the "chasing". The key is to not chase the other person away.

[htinulas]

That's excellent advice. I wish I had read that sooner - then again, my friends have basically said the same thing - but they have not experienced the LD thing, so I just didn't really follow their advice.

 

You are right, every once in a while I get really brave and decide not to contact T.G. for a while for wtahever reason - each time he has contacted me for one reason or another - like the time I mentioned that he called to ask a question that really he could've found with a click of the mouse online about a transit strike in Toronto - it felt really good when he contacted me first......but generally I have not let i go long enough for him to miss me - I go about 1 entire day during my work week and then I end up contacting him........

 

I liked your post...now I'm thinking perhaps he is still into it,just wants to go a lot slower than me - then again, I'm almost 2 years older than him and I will reach 40 this year, so I guess I've been in too much of a hurry...LOL. It has, after all, been over 8 months now, though.

 

What if you do 'case him away', is it possible to uncase him - i.e. if I stop freaking out and overhwelming him, will whatever atracted him to me in the beginning keep his interest up??

[Ecoastgirl]

Well, I think the only thing you can do if you chase someone away is to let it go and hope they reconsider. Thats damn scary!! I shudder at the thought. And then, there are the relastionships that were just never meant to be.

 

If there is one that both parties are making an effort and want it to work, its finding that medium ground where you both progress at the same level. Now all I have to do is practice what I am preaching here.. hehe

[htinulas]

Well you're doing pretty good going through the entire night without your cell phone!!!! That's a huge step - seriously, I went to my baseball banquet in October - it was so loud in the hall and I was expecting a call from him that night - he called a few times and I kept missing the call - my freinds said that's good to keep him wondering, but no, I put my phone on vibe and put it in my chest pocket just so I'd be there.

 

I guess it's like that old saying If You Love Someone Set Them Free........etc. etc. although I always did hate that saying!!

[Ecoastgirl]

It sounds as if his interest in you is still there. So it seems like its time to let him do some of the work.. it will be hard, but worth it I think

[htinulas]

I've been trying to catch up on old posts, since this is my first day on the board.

Have you and your LDR ever met? If so, how did it go? I have played the first meeting with T.G. over and over in my head so often that I'm sure it won't be nearly as romantic as I have it in my head.

 

So you live in the same country but on opposite sides, is that right?

 

I know what you mean about wondering if they're married. I would be everything T.G. isn't, I know it from when we used to chat for hours and hours, and yet there are a few sceptics who think he is. I think there is definintely something that I'm not quite understanding, but I don't think he is married. Yeah, I agree with you, the thing I've wondered more is whether they are doing the same with other people?

 

I once asked him that - I said, well, you should be glad I'm kind of wimpy, otherwise, I may not have waited for you to comit to a date to meet, and would've just come there and met you myself (I know his address, his work address, his buddies address, his hangouts - geesh, what is stopping me). I said, be careful the others might be braver. (yeah, one of the many things I wish I hadn't said.). He said, this is not something I do all the time, in fact, I'm not even quite sure what I'm doing this time.

 

I never understood the attraction of LD relationships, I thought people were nutty, until I had this happen - now I realize how you can really connect with someone who you have not met in person.

[blind_otter]

Do you have a date when you can be together again? It's so much harder when you don't. And planning regular visits as well? I am new to LDRs also, but I'm visiting my lover in July and he's moving here in August to be with me! Hooray! OK I'll shaddap now.

 

On edit - I met my lover in person and we had a good solid 7 weeks together before he went home for 3 months, so our LDR is pretty easy to deal with.

[Ecoastgirl]

No we haven't met, but we plan too after the summer. He asks me about hotels in the area and such, but I really want to meet up somewhere nuetral. I wasnt looking for anyone at all when I met him, and this whole thing just shocked the hell out of me. Like you, I never looked at LDR's as anything of merit, and honestly had no idea that it was so common.

 

I used to hound on him a bit.. about whether we would meet or not and when.. I had no clue how he was feeling about it all. He told me the distance was a huge factor... which it is... He also told me that how can we really know what this is unless we do meet and see if we hit it off... also very logical. So I have taken a step back and just enjoyed the ride (so to speak).

[htinulas]

We used to talk about meeting as well - first he said he would come here, then we decided to meet in Buffalo....niehter one happened. Yep, I harassed him to commit to a date, but why the heck not - I want to meet him so badly.

 

I'm in the same boat as you - I was definintely not wanting something like this to happen - I was just minding my own business at work when he swooped in and won my heart - there was just so many coincidences - we both love kids but have none, we both love sports, even to the extent that we both play cf and bat 2nd, we both do a lot of volunteer work, both have coached kids sports.....it goes on and on.

 

How long did you wait until you seen pics of yours? I met T.G. on Sept 22 (well not met - you know what I mean) I didn't receive a picture of him until November - although by that time, ya know what, I didn't care whta he looked like - not saying that I"m into looks or anything because that's the furthers from the truth - I'm a tomboy at heart and wear a ball cap and sweats most of the time - but it was interesting by the time I seen his pic I was already hopelessly into him..

 

Oh and get this, I presently work at the company that does business with his - I started here on June 14 of last year - guess when his birthday is - June 14. Now if that's not a sign I don't know what is.

 

I plan on calling him the morning of his birthday - not sure if that's wise, but I wouldn't want to not do it and then feel badly.

[blind_otter]

You guys don't talk to your dudes every day?

 

I can't imagine not talking and emailing every day. That would suck.

[htinulas]

Well I used to talk to him several times a day - I am playing it cool right now.

[Ecoastgirl]

I think it was a month before we sent pics to each other and a few days after we started talking non stop on the phone.. another milestone for me since i usually have nothing to say on a phone. we have so much in common its almost scary. I didnt really care too much what he looked like either, so it was a shock that I found him extremely handsome.

 

I do have one fear. This is not his first LDR, I know of 3 he has been in. I am not saying thats a bad thing, but what if he prefers to keep people at a distance?? I guess that is something I wont know for awhile.

 

 

YES! call him on his birthday! Everyone likes to know someone cares enough to remember that!

[htinulas]

Man, your circumstance sounds so much like mine it's actually funny.. Hey, maybe it's the same guy...LOL.

 

Thanks for the advice on calling him on his b.day.......it sort of leaves me vulnerable, because mine is in July and I will feel bad when and if he doesn't reciprocate, but I like to get that little messsage of I do care in there, just in case he is just so hesitant around women still and perhaps he just needs to know someone is still thinking about him . I sent him a Christmas card - nothing personal, just Greetings from Ontario, he liked that.....didn't send anything on V. Day - although I thought of it. If things had been as good as they were the frist couple of months, I most definintely would have, but I didn't think it was right to do so by Feb.

[Ecoastgirl]

yes.. it is very similair

its just really nice to bounce this off of someone.. ive felt so isolated with it all.. my family would never understand, nor would my friends.. so ive held this all in.. thank you for being a sounding board!!!!!

[htinulas]

Ditto - it's good to hear that someone is going through the same thing. My friends were very receptive at first because of how excited I was - now they just tell me to drop it....but I won't.

 

Keep me posted, I'm interested to hear how others are going in this type of scenario.