IronZ Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 OLD meetup. Talked to this girl for about a week or so through text. She seemed withdrawn a bit and eventually opened up more. Went on a date tonight. Dinner + coffee. Talked for a couple hours about pretty much anything and everything. I felt like it went well it's not like there was ever a dull or awkward moment. Unfortunately neither of us attempted anything physical/romantic during the date. Pretty much kept it casual. I figured I wouldn't be so forward the first time around. While walking her to her car after I asked her about going out again and she gave this answer which usually has me worried, but with her I'm not so sure how to interpret it. She said something along the lines of "yeah it might be tough with my schedule but we can see" (I'm not remembering her exact words sorry but this is how I thought she said it). Usually this is like a girl doing the seemingly polite turn-down and disappearing later but I don't know. She had mentioned on more than one occasion that she's not the type of girl to lead people on or play mind games. I would think she meant that and wasn't being dishonest. When she got home we texted very briefly. No sign of trouble yet. She was nice about the date and thanked me. Obviously if there is a second date I would try to bring a little more romance into it and see if we click on that level but I'm still trying to figure out if she meant anything by what she said. Those of you who know me by now know that I have some anxiety issues so situations like this tend to build up in my mind (sometimes unnecessarily). I guess I just wanted the outside perspective.
smackie9 Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 Stop worrying so much, dating will always be a hit or miss.....you don't have control over that. Save your energy. Ask her out again....you will find out if she is legit or not. 2
smackie9 Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 To me, her answer was non-committal. My guess is that she is not all that excited by another date. Women that want to date you find time to do so. I agree with this. Her answer wasn't what I would call "interested". Tip: just because the date went well doesn't mean there was any chemistry.
Author IronZ Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 I guess that non-committal thing is the same feeling I got. I've had dates before where the girl has been non-committal and it ended up not going anywhere. Just a little confusing given that she was all about not playing these head games. I guess it's always possible she didn't mean her words to sound like that. And you're right, even the busiest of us would make time for someone we like. So I will ask her out on another date in the near future and find out where I stand. 1
losangelena Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 Mmm, I'd say it's inconclusive. Personally, I would probably never say that to someone who I was genuinely interested in. However, some people just aren't so aware. You really are risking nothing by asking her out again, I mean you've only had one date. If she disappears, or you go out again and the sparks still aren't there, then you can both say goodbye.
losangelena Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 I guess I'd ask you what I always get asked here, which is what do YOU want? Do you want to try so hard with someone who doesn't seem so interested? Or do you want to find someone who will enthusiastically join in? That's a hard thing to answer only after one date, but it's something to keep in mind.
Author IronZ Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 I guess I'd ask you what I always get asked here, which is what do YOU want? Do you want to try so hard with someone who doesn't seem so interested? Or do you want to find someone who will enthusiastically join in? That's a hard thing to answer only after one date, but it's something to keep in mind. It's not that she didn't seem interested though. Like I said we had a really nice time. We've talked quite often over text before our date and it seems like we get along. It seems like we want the same things out of life and to have a nice relationship without all the games and drama many people play. It sounded like that's where she and I both wanted to take it without actually saying those specific words. The only questionable part happened right at the end when she gave that non-committal response and it really came out of nowhere I thought. I don't really know what I could've done wrong at that point because the rest of the date went smoothly. Also I have not heard from her today yet. That's another weird sign to me because every other day we've texted each other even if it hasn't been long conversations. Something tells me this is a no-go and I'm just a bit confused by it. Obviously I'm not infatuated with her because it's not like we've known each other long. Just disappointed really because I thought we fit together very well and she seemed nice. Shouldn't someone who makes a big thing out of being straightforward at least let me know she's not interested? Unless she was just lying.
losangelena Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 It's not that she didn't seem interested though. Like I said we had a really nice time. We've talked quite often over text before our date and it seems like we get along. It seems like we want the same things out of life and to have a nice relationship without all the games and drama many people play. It sounded like that's where she and I both wanted to take it without actually saying those specific words. The only questionable part happened right at the end when she gave that non-committal response and it really came out of nowhere I thought. I don't really know what I could've done wrong at that point because the rest of the date went smoothly. Also I have not heard from her today yet. That's another weird sign to me because every other day we've texted each other even if it hasn't been long conversations. Something tells me this is a no-go and I'm just a bit confused by it. Obviously I'm not infatuated with her because it's not like we've known each other long. Just disappointed really because I thought we fit together very well and she seemed nice. Shouldn't someone who makes a big thing out of being straightforward at least let me know she's not interested? Unless she was just lying. Ha, funnily, every person I've met who says they value communication has been pretty awful at it, so I don't know what to tell you there. I get what you're saying—you're trying to interpret her non-verbal behaviors for signs of interest. It can be hard sometimes. In my case, I know that I can be quiet outgoing, friendly, charming, etc., and had many "good" first dates where I enjoyed myself, but that didn't always translate to, "I want to do this again." There can be a lot of factors involved; maybe I met someone else in the interim, or after some consideration, I decided I didn't want to see them again. Whatever the case, it happens. Also, I know she said she likes directness, but a woman's way of being direct still looks quite indirect to men sometimes. We just are not direct in the same way. Her deflecting, and now ignoring you, is her way of being direct. She's probably thinking to herself, "surely he'll get the hint!" Anyway, I'm sorry, 'cause it does suck. If I were you though, I would try and not think of it as you did something wrong or there's something wrong with you. It just didn't work out. Also, it's Sunday, so who knows. I find that people tend to be pretty disconnected in the later half of the weekend. 1
Author IronZ Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 Ha, funnily, every person I've met who says they value communication has been pretty awful at it, so I don't know what to tell you there. I get what you're saying—you're trying to interpret her non-verbal behaviors for signs of interest. It can be hard sometimes. In my case, I know that I can be quiet outgoing, friendly, charming, etc., and had many "good" first dates where I enjoyed myself, but that didn't always translate to, "I want to do this again." There can be a lot of factors involved; maybe I met someone else in the interim, or after some consideration, I decided I didn't want to see them again. Whatever the case, it happens. Also, I know she said she likes directness, but a woman's way of being direct still looks quite indirect to men sometimes. We just are not direct in the same way. Her deflecting, and now ignoring you, is her way of being direct. She's probably thinking to herself, "surely he'll get the hint!" Anyway, I'm sorry, 'cause it does suck. If I were you though, I would try and not think of it as you did something wrong or there's something wrong with you. It just didn't work out. Also, it's Sunday, so who knows. I find that people tend to be pretty disconnected in the later half of the weekend. Oh it's ok, I'm not too worried about it. I had another date today with a different girl and at the end she told me straight up that she likes me and she will see me again next weekend. Now THAT'S direct I just don't get women sometimes. I guess it's like you said, the ones that make a big hoopla over communication are usually terrible at it. Or maybe they just think they're above their own rules. Who knows. I'm not writing her off just yet. I will maybe hopefully hear from her again this week and maybe I'll give it another shot. If I don't then it's really her loss
empresario Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Magic eight ball says: try again later. Everything is OK. If she is straight forward she will tell you if she's not interested. If she's not, she will ignore you and you will figure it out that way. Either way all you can do is continue to pursue her gauge her responses. Now about the physical aspect: Take your time. The biggest problem with the dating scene right now is everyone is worried about sex...specifically how soon, in what manor, or what it means if no intimacy happens. Who cares? Let things play out. There is no manual to how to do this. If it feels right, do it...if not, just enjoy getting to know someone new.
joseb Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Ok, if I got that message from a girl I'd take it as a polite no, and I wouldn't bother contacting her again. I don't know that many women that would say something like "no I don't want to see you again" as an answer to that question. She probably thinks she is being pretty direct and honest. 1
Author IronZ Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 Ok, if I got that message from a girl I'd take it as a polite no, and I wouldn't bother contacting her again. I don't know that many women that would say something like "no I don't want to see you again" as an answer to that question. She probably thinks she is being pretty direct and honest. If she were being direct and honest she wouldn't then text me when she got home and act like everything was fine. She wouldn't then play the disappearing game, especially when she was all about not playing mind games. She could've just texted me that she wasn't interested if she felt weird saying it in person. Sorry but I have to call BS on this idea that some women seem to think is perfectly fine in dating etiquette. It's not. I think that if you have a guy take you out to a nice date and he spends money on you and gives you an honest chance getting to know you, you at least owe him an explanation. You don't have to like him, you don't have to see him ever again. But at least let him know it's not going anywhere. Nobody likes waiting around for a text/call that won't come. That's an awful feeling and quite frankly you are not mature enough to be dating if you think it's ok to do this.
Oregon_Dude Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 I think that if you have a guy take you out to a nice date and he spends money on you and gives you an honest chance getting to know you, you at least owe him an explanation. You don't have to like him, you don't have to see him ever again. But at least let him know it's not going anywhere. Nobody likes waiting around for a text/call that won't come. That's an awful feeling and quite frankly you are not mature enough to be dating if you think it's ok to do this.You're wrong. You're not owed anything just b/c you paid money, etc. A WOMAN's way of letting you know she is not interested is by not contacting you. If you are waiting around for a call/text, then frankly your life isn't very interesting. You're too sensitive, and if you're going to play the dating game, you need to toughen up and learn to understand how it's done: if they don't like you, they won't contact you or respond. 1
Oregon_Dude Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 PS. Take it from a guy who took a girl out tonight, spent money on her, and realized there was not a "spark" in either direction, despite some interesting convo. She ain't gonna contact me, nor I her. It's fine, and it's how 75% of these things go. Nothing wrong with either me or her; just not a good match.
Author IronZ Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 You're wrong. You're not owed anything just b/c you paid money, etc. A WOMAN's way of letting you know she is not interested is by not contacting you. If you are waiting around for a call/text, then frankly your life isn't very interesting. You're too sensitive, and if you're going to play the dating game, you need to toughen up and learn to understand how it's done: if they don't like you, they won't contact you or respond. I'm not saying strictly spending money is the reason why. You're summing it up to that one point to drag my argument down. What I'm saying is if a guy is putting work and energy into a potential relationship then he at least deserves some respect, does he not? It's not about what he's owed, it's about common decency and you know, that whole being nice thing. Same as a guy holding a door open for a lady, or giving up his seat on the bus for someone who needs it more. If you're saying that being courteous and respectful to someone else should only happen if it's owed to them, then you're just part of the problem my friend. There's no dating etiquette anymore and it's quite sad if you ask me.
Oregon_Dude Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 What I'm saying is if a guy is putting work and energy into a potential relationship then he at least deserves some respect, does he not? No. You don't "deserve" anything. Your entire concept is wrong. You give and you either get back, or you don't get back. As Eastwood said in Unforgiven... "deserve's got nothin' to do with it." 1
losangelena Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Oh is this turning into another ghosting debate? I'd say ... after one date, that's OK grounds for ghosting. I have done it, and I've had it done to me, I don't take it personally. Ideally, if more dates occur, or if anything physical happens, then maybe a head's up text/email is in order. And as far as "time and energy" are concerned, even if the woman doesn't pay her own way, she still has to spend time getting ready—maybe even to the extent of getting her hair done or buying a new blouse; shaving/waxing (don't even get me started), doing her nails, makeup, trying to look "cute" for the guy; talking herself down off the first-date jitters, gearing up mentally to be "on," remembering to ask questions, keeping her facial expressions in check, be engaged, act interested. Regardless of who pays, the initial stages of dating are a really big time and energy commitment from BOTH parties. Also, don't even get me started on all the times that women give to men their bodies, only to never hear from them again. Now THAT'S disrespectful (though, I'm not saying it negates your point, just adding to it). 1
Oregon_Dude Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 I'd say ... after one date, that's OK grounds for ghosting. I have done it, and I've had it done to me, I don't take it personally.I really don't even consider that ghosting. You can tell if there's not mutual chemistry, if you are at all in tune with yourself and people. Not following up on a so-so first date is not ghosting; it's realizing that nothing need be said; there's nothing there.
Zippy2000 Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 She said something along the lines of "yeah it might be tough with my schedule but we can see" . Such a wish washy response. Its either a nor a definite yes. I used to read into this but as a man I d pursue until she said no. I m trying to date a girl at the moment who is EXACTLY the way you describe. I ve only met her 2 times but when I ask her out its the same as "When I get my rota, I ll let you know and we can see". She still continues to text and respond. I believe people like how we describe in their actions as LUKE WARM. They like you but they may be the type of person who doesnt have the excitement and the urge to see you like some people do. However I do like how you are being open minded and dating other people. That was you dont waste time on one girl who ultimately on the end may not want to be with you. I say good luck out there. Its a minefield.
Recommended Posts