Guy disappeared the second time?

[mariekatie]

Hi everyone,

 

2 months ago I met a guy online and we were hitting it off instantly and constantly talking for 2 weeks. He was working in my country (Europe) and he seems really secretive.. He does use any social media and I barely know anything about him. He was a workaholic.

 

Out of the sudden, he just disappeared and I couldn't contact him. I tried messaging him but he wasn't online at all..

 

Right now I am on a business trip to America and one day he just texted me out of the blue (after 2 months). He explained that his dad passed away and he couldn't handle the grief and he went back to his country (which is also America).

 

I was wary but we started talking and continuing from where we left off. I like him and told him that, he expressed the same feelings too and was apologetic about his disappearance..

 

A week after chatting as usual, he disappeared again.... He wasn't online at all. I feel like I am so stupid to believe in his lies again. This is the first time I've met someone who ghosted me as I'm not experienced in the dating world.

 

Does anyone know what's up with this guy? thanks in advance for the advices!

Am I over reacting?

[h0000]

This is what guys online do, they ghost.

Nothing to analyse. move on

[losangelena]

Ehn.

 

A dead dad is a pretty heinous thing to lie about. Having gone though it myself, I don't know if I'd really be in a place to keep consistent contact with someone I had only just met online. Granted, I might give them a head's up. But still, even if he's not lying, you know exactly where on his priority scale you are.

 

I'm a little confused—did you two actually meet IN PERSON, or is this someone you've just been chatting with online?

 

If I may ask, why are you chatting with foreigners? That already is a recipe for disconnection and miscommunication. What about single men in your own country? Men you can meet up with and spend regular amounts of time with?

 

I'm not ragging on you, I'm just curious. Why bother with something that is inordinately destined to fail?

 

Also, you chatted and texted for two weeks. That's not a particularly long time, even if you "hit it off instantly" and "chat constantly." Y'all two are practically still strangers. Also, you're not an idiot for taking this guy at his word—again, you barely know him, why wouldn't you give him the benefit of the doubt?—but I think it's good to keep in mind the reality of the situation, "you live in different countries, you've (presumably) never met," and scale your emotions accordingly. Wait until you have anything substantial before you start getting bent out of shape or down on yourself. Try and have realistic expectations on what is happening and what may happen in the future.

 

Worst case scenario is you're dealing with a compulsive liar, or with a man who's unavailable (physically and emotionally) to provide you with anything at the moment. Try to put him out of your mind for now and meet other people.

[mariekatie]

Ehn.

 

A dead dad is a pretty heinous thing to lie about. Having gone though it myself, I don't know if I'd really be in a place to keep consistent contact with someone I had only just met online. Granted, I might give them a head's up. But still, even if he's not lying, you know exactly where on his priority scale you are.

 

I'm a little confused—did you two actually meet IN PERSON, or is this someone you've just been chatting with online?

 

If I may ask, why are you chatting with foreigners? That already is a recipe for disconnection and miscommunication. What about single men in your own country? Men you can meet up with and spend regular amounts of time with?

 

I'm not ragging on you, I'm just curious. Why bother with something that is inordinately destined to fail?

 

Also, you chatted and texted for two weeks. That's not a particularly long time, even if you "hit it off instantly" and "chat constantly." Y'all two are practically still strangers. Also, you're not an idiot for taking this guy at his word—again, you barely know him, why wouldn't you give him the benefit of the doubt?—but I think it's good to keep in mind the reality of the situation, "you live in different countries, you've (presumably) never met," and scale your emotions accordingly. Wait until you have anything substantial before you start getting bent out of shape or down on yourself. Try and have realistic expectations on what is happening and what may happen in the future.

 

Worst case scenario is you're dealing with a compulsive liar, or with a man who's unavailable (physically and emotionally) to provide you with anything at the moment. Try to put him out of your mind for now and meet other people.

 

Hi there, I appreciate the advice! We have not met as he said his work is hectic which makes me wary at first and then he disappear. I'm really bad at online dating but I tried as I'm also a workaholic and barely socialize. He's working long term in my country (not on contract) and he's currently on leave due to his dad's death. I reckon he would lie about his parents death.

 

When we reconnected, we did both expressed interest and he suggested to meet up when he is back to my country. I am returning back next week and he's not sure about when he is returning back to work. You're right about the benefit of doubt, I wanted to meet up with him and then get to know him better instead, so I didn't push on asking many personal questions.

 

I guess I was just shocked, that I not only get fooled once but twice. I'm the type who don't trust people easily and he's just one of the few that I really liked and let him into my trust circle. I guess I should move on and not be fooled again. I'm just curious on why people do that.. I'm inexperienced so I guess hard lesson learnt..

[losangelena]

Hi there, I appreciate the advice! We have not met as he said his work is hectic which makes me wary at first and then he disappear. I'm really bad at online dating but I tried as I'm also a workaholic and barely socialize. He's working long term in my country (not on contract) and he's currently on leave due to his dad's death. I reckon he would lie about his parents death.

 

When we reconnected, we did both expressed interest and he suggested to meet up when he is back to my country. I am returning back next week and he's not sure about when he is returning back to work. You're right about the benefit of doubt, I wanted to meet up with him and then get to know him better instead, so I didn't push on asking many personal questions.

 

I guess I was just shocked, that I not only get fooled once but twice. I'm the type who don't trust people easily and he's just one of the few that I really liked and let him into my trust circle. I guess I should move on and not be fooled again. I'm just curious on why people do that.. I'm inexperienced so I guess hard lesson learnt..

 

I totally get what you're saying, but if his dad DID die (which, if someone is going to lie about that; good riddance to them), then he will probably be all over the map, literally and figuratively, for a good long while. He may think he's doing OK, but that grief, phew, it's brutal.

 

So yeah, I think the takeaway here is A) you're not an idiot, and B) keep your expectations extremely low when you're just first meeting people. Bad sh*t can happen, and people do flake. That doesn't mean you have to get down on yourself or be cynical.

 

But at the same time, I would really probably try and just let him go.

[mariekatie]

I totally get what you're saying, but if his dad DID die (which, if someone is going to lie about that; good riddance to them), then he will probably be all over the map, literally and figuratively, for a good long while. He may think he's doing OK, but that grief, phew, it's brutal.

 

So yeah, I think the takeaway here is A) you're not an idiot, and B) keep your expectations extremely low when you're just first meeting people. Bad sh*t can happen, and people do flake. That doesn't mean you have to get down on yourself or be cynical.

 

But at the same time, I would really probably try and just let him go.

 

 

Thank you so much! I guess due to lack of experience in real dating that leads me to have such high expectations of people. I had tried online dating once and within a few days I met my ex and we had a long distance relationship too.. I guess I am not realistic enough. I was never the type who socialize due to some bad past so I guess I need to step out more to explore!

 

I was upset because I thought that if I was sincere then people would be the same towards me but I realized that not everyone will be like this. I appreciate your advice and it gives me a lot to think about! I'll try to move on and not have such high expectations next time.

 

and if he do return, what should I do? I believe he is not over his grief as he became a drinker to numb his grief. I've not lost my parents yet so I didn't understand the pain but I could imagine how bad it was.. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you're feeling better now.

[ExpatInItaly]

He isn't ready to date you right now. Actions speak louder than words. If he is indeed in the depths of grief, you can't do much at the moment. Let him come to you. In the meantime, try to connect with others. Don't wait around for him because there's no guarantee here.

[mariekatie]

He isn't ready to date you right now. Actions speak louder than words. If he is indeed in the depths of grief, you can't do much at the moment. Let him come to you. In the meantime, try to connect with others. Don't wait around for him because there's no guarantee here.

 

I agree with you that actions speaks louder than words. well I guess I was hurt again as he couldn't even tell me what's wrong, priorities I guess.

 

I'm not gonna wait around but also I'm planning to take a break from all these dating mess too. I've met too many wrong guys who only wants to hook up. I'm not sure if it's the online dating culture or am I looking at the wrong places?