AnyTakers Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 Hi All, I have a long distance relationship with someone who lives in Seattle. His birthday is coming up, and while it's hard as it is with this long distance thing, it's even harder since he told me that he told me that his best friend invited to take him to Canada for his birthday. I was hoping to spend it with him (talking to him) He seems to have a fuller schedule than I do, and I am really trying like hell to fill up my schedule so I don't rely so much on him for entertainment. I don't have friends like he does, which I'm trying to change. He has a much more established like than I do, point blank and that's what I do like about him. He is a such sweet person for the most part. Am I being selfish for wanting to spend his birthday with him? When he does go to Canada for a few days, I will most likely not hear from him,and I fear that will create some emotional distance between us.How can I deal with his absence while he's in Canada (since i'm dealing with the long distance as it is)? How can I make sure not to fall into the trap that most people fall into and that is becoming insecure to where I push him away and things end up failing between us? Thank you.
casey.lives Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 make alternate plans, in case it doesn't fall through. But be sure your plans are memorable to you, for you. It's wonderful that you met a sweet established person who has an interesting life and includes you in it. Try and be the thing you like.
Author AnyTakers Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 make alternate plans, in case it doesn't fall through. But be sure your plans are memorable to you, for you. It's wonderful that you met a sweet established person who has an interesting life and includes you in it. Try and be the thing you like. Sounds great and all, but a bit vague. Could you elaborate? Particularly on the part about being sure my plans are memorable for me and being the thing I like? Again, thank you.
Lois_Griffin Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 Honestly? If I had the choice of enjoying myself with friends in real time and making actual memories for my birthday or sitting in front of a computer screen talking about how much fun it would be if we weren't sitting in front of a monitor chatting, I'd take the first choice. 4
Els Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 I think if it was YOUR birthday you'd have a slightly legitimate complaint, but it's HIS birthday... he should be able to celebrate it the way he wants. Yes it sucks that you can't spend it with him, but if he has the chance to go out with his friend and have a good time you should be encouraging IMO. (this best friend is a guy... right?) Don't you have any hobbies that you enjoy doing?
Author AnyTakers Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 I think if it was YOUR birthday you'd have a slightly legitimate complaint, but it's HIS birthday... he should be able to celebrate it the way he wants. Yes it sucks that you can't spend it with him, but if he has the chance to go out with his friend and have a good time you should be encouraging IMO. (this best friend is a guy... right?) Don't you have any hobbies that you enjoy doing? I do, but this distance thing is hard as it is. And you are right in what you're saying and another poster is right and what they said about going out with their friend would be a lot better than sitting in front of a computer. I'm not telling him he shouldn't go. I'm just trying to figure out how to not let it bother me and so forth. You're making is sound so easy, but it isn't.
Author AnyTakers Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 Another thing I struggle with is being afraid of missing out talking to him if I do go ahead and do things I enjoy. He has a busier life than I do. What I mean by missing out is if I miss my chance to talk to him due to me being busy with whatever I'm doing then I will miss out talking to him so I find myself putting off stuff so I don't miss the opportunity since I am aware of how hard long distance relationships can be and how I really do not want this long distance relationship to fail. Also, he has told me that he had a long distance relationship before. I asked him why didn't it work out and he told me that they basically drifted apart due college taking up her time, and that only made me afraid that the same will happen to us as to why I have found myself afraid of missing out talking to him so we don't drift apart. I have been trying to find a way to get past this fear. Any suggestions?
Els Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I do, but this distance thing is hard as it is. And you are right in what you're saying and another poster is right and what they said about going out with their friend would be a lot better than sitting in front of a computer. I'm not telling him he shouldn't go. I'm just trying to figure out how to not let it bother me and so forth. You're making is sound so easy, but it isn't. Believe me, I understand how difficult it is. I was in a LDR for 2 years before we closed the distance. It was all worth it, though. I think the best way to not let it bother you is to put more effort into getting friends of your own, and having a few hobbies that you are passionate about. IMO both of the above are indispensable for everyone, but even more important in LDRs. Another thing I struggle with is being afraid of missing out talking to him if I do go ahead and do things I enjoy. He has a busier life than I do. What I mean by missing out is if I miss my chance to talk to him due to me being busy with whatever I'm doing then I will miss out talking to him so I find myself putting off stuff so I don't miss the opportunity Schedule Skype sessions if you need to. Nowadays with smart phones and data plans it's a lot easier to schedule things on the fly. Don't both of you have whatsapp? Use that to send brief texts to find out when your next Skype session should be. Just don't overdo the texting, is all. You definitely should NOT be missing out on RL things just for the 'possibility' of having a talk when there are no concrete plans for a talk.
Author AnyTakers Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 Believe me, I understand how difficult it is. I was in a LDR for 2 years before we closed the distance. It was all worth it, though. I think the best way to not let it bother you is to put more effort into getting friends of your own, and having a few hobbies that you are passionate about. IMO both of the above are indispensable for everyone, but even more important in LDRs. Schedule Skype sessions if you need to. Nowadays with smart phones and data plans it's a lot easier to schedule things on the fly. Don't both of you have whatsapp? Use that to send brief texts to find out when your next Skype session should be. Just don't overdo the texting, is all. You definitely should NOT be missing out on RL things just for the 'possibility' of having a talk when there are no concrete plans for a talk. We video chat daily, and talk on the phone as well, but that obsessive feeling and that feeling of me starting to revolving my life around him is starting to creep up and that's what's worrying me and I am trying to up a stop to it. I have made that mistake in a previous relationship and it has done nothing but cause me heartache in the end. I very badly want things to go differently this time. I talked to him yesterday and told him that if I came off selfish about him going out with his friends for his birthday then I apologize and that I want him to have a wonderful time. Aside from that, I have found myself feeling like my availability is causing him to take me for granted a little bit. I even asked him yesterday if he felt like we're talking to each other too much, and he said no. But I cannot help but to feel that way, since he was ready to get off of the phone with me. I just want this insecure feeling to end and for me to feel like a normal person and for me to go on about my life and not worry about if I'm not available due to me living my life, that he will be gone. I don't know if that makes sense.
Els Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I just want this insecure feeling to end and for me to feel like a normal person and for me to go on about my life and not worry about if I'm not available due to me living my life, that he will be gone. I don't know if that makes sense. It does make sense, and I understand, but you just have to make yourself do it. If it helps, going on the way you are is a self-fulfilling prophecy - more LDRs have died due to insecurity than due to both people living their lives (while making a reasonable amount of time for communication). 1
Author AnyTakers Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 It does make sense, and I understand, but you just have to make yourself do it. If it helps, going on the way you are is a self-fulfilling prophecy - more LDRs have died due to insecurity than due to both people living their lives (while making a reasonable amount of time for communication). Thank you. I'll try my best. 1
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